child sex play/talk - what is normal, what is not?

[nadinejeanette]

My 6 year old daughter told my neighbor (male 8 yrs.) to take off my other neighbors (female 5 yrs.) clothes and kiss her all over and I think on her "privates".  They were my back yard playing when this took place.  The other kids parents happen to hear what my daughter said and scolded her immediately, which I am thankful for.  The girls parents, have since stopped talking to us because they feel that we handled the matter too "lightly" and didn't take it seriously.  They won't allow their daughter to play with either of my young daughters and my daughter asks to play with her daily, and the girls talk over our fence every day since.  My husband and I had a very serious talk with our daughter & grounded her from playing with the kids for a week.  We didn't even allow her out back for 4 days.  We explained she made a very poor choice and that we would not tollerate that kind of talk coming from her mouth.  We asked her where she learned to talk like that and she said "in her head".  I am concerned that the way my nieghbors are handling this may scar both of our girls.  I feel making TOO BIG a deal about it may make her more curious and make the subject of sex even bigger.  My neighbors feel I am "brushing it off".  Am I wrong?  Is this more serious than I believe? Am I taking this all too lightly?  IN NEED OF SERIOUS ADVICE!!!! PLEASE HELP!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your description indicates that you are responding in a serious vein. What is it that your neighbor thinks you should do? Are they looking for any particulalr response on your part? Your daughter's behavior was not appropriate;  you recognized that and responded to it by teaching her and by discipilining her. It would be a shame if your neighbors refuse to allow their children to play with your daughter, but you cannot control their response. Hopefully, continued and patient discussion will eliminate the impasse.

[amcr]

A related discussion, Child sexual play was started.

[onroute]

I believe that it is also important to affirm her as "OK".  She probably will be insecure with herself and her judgements.  Keep affirming her and she is not "wrong" within herself.  Everyone needs to be trained in some way or other but nobody is wrong......there is just training involved.  Keep affirming her as "OK".  Let her know we all need to learn things.

[nadinejeanette]

Thanks so much for your insight.  
I have definately been paying much closer attention to her and her behaviors because of all this.  There is definately no major changes in her/her behavior at all.  I do work full-time, but have a nanny that comes to the house and I work from home so I can be around my children and see what is going on with them at all times.  

As far as I know, she hasn't been exposed to anything innappropriate.  I am pretty picky about what my children see on TV.  She keeps telling me that these thoughts come from her head and are not from anyone else.  She has been very open with me when she so much as has a thought about something that her father or I may consider innapropriate.  She seems to keep "checking in" to see if she is okay.   When I ask her where she saw it, learned it, did someone teach it to her, she keeps insisting that it came from her head.  I have done my very best to keep it "conversational" and "curious" when we talk about it.

I feel I am walking a very fine line between making sure she understands the impact of her actions and making her feel bad for having a sexual thought or feeling which is totally natural for a human being to have.  I don't want my daughter to have bad feelings surrounding sex...I want her to be healthy when it comes to her own sexuality.

[greenmom]

Children are sexual, there's no denying it. If it were me in your situation, I would not punish her so much as explore more what prompted this imaginary play. I would do so in an indirect way, because direct questioning and re-hashing the event at this point won't work: she already knows everyone was disappointed in her by what happened. In other words, you've got to get more in tuned to what she is thinking and doing.

Is there a time of day in any situation where she could be exposed to viewing inappropriate things? Even prime time TV is very overtly sexually literal and suggestive, and kids don't skip a beat. Is there someone she is with regularly where behavior doesn't seem appropriate? Did you yourself start noticing your child was distracted or playing in a way that didn't seem natural?

I wouldn't chastise a child that may already be distressed in some way. Instead, expose her and engage her more in security instilling, and identity strengthening games and activities. As for your neighbors, I wouldn't let my child think I was more concerned about their opinion than my own daughter's natural development and healthy experiences. The children may one day play again, happily.