Aa
co-sleeping
My husband and I just got married 2 months ago. we have 7 children combined. His 6 year old being the youngest. we have to share a 3 bedroom home so his 6 yr old son or my 16 year old son do not have a bedroom. My son sleeps in the living room on the couch. His son, 6 years old, had always slept with him since his first divorce (3 years). We talked about his son sleeping with us before we got married and he agreed we would gradually break him from sleping with us. Every since we got married in mid January 2008, his son has slept with us (and in the middle) every night that we have had him on our weekends/spring break. I have talked to my husband about it 3 times because it really bothers me and I feel like it is causing a wall between us. He says "he is only 6 and they are only little once and he doesnt have a bedroom" I dont agree with this and need advice. His son is a very very mature 6 year old and I know he will adapt well. He doesnt sleep with his mom or her husband, so why should he sleep with us when he is at our house? I think as often as his kids are over at our house his son can sleep with one of his sisters or on the couch or make a pallet. I just don't think it is healthy in any marriage, especially a new marriage and I think his son knows this is a way he can keep his dad from giving me any attention that he thinks he should get. What should I do? I think a parents room is for parents and should be off limits to children unless they are sick or just having a really bad night. But it should never be every night.
This discussion is related to 6 yr old sleeping with parents.
This discussion is related to 6 yr old sleeping with parents.
I Feel for you. After a year of knowing each other me and my girl friend started dating exclusively. Come to find out after a few weeks of dating...that my girl friend, her 6 year old daughter and her 12 year old son sleep in the same bedroom together on a regular basis. Usually the son will sleep in the bed next to the mothers bed and the daughter in the moms bed with mom, or since the daughter kicks, the son will somtimes sleep next to mom and the daughter in the bed next to moms, even though the son has his own room..he still was sleeping in the moms room and/or bed. After a couple months i began to express my concerns and we dealt with it as best as we could, I'd like to think. It wasnt easy for me and our relationship for that first couple months. Reluctantly but understandingly, My place was the couch if I chose to stay the night. However when the kids were not there and at dads house for 2 nights every other weekend, then it was my turn to sleep with my girl friend!. This is a woman who is with her kids 24/7, unless she is at work, and except on Friday nights when her daughter stays with her aunt. However, even when the daughter was gone and the son was still at home with mom, the son would sleep in moms room, even with his own room. 6 MONTHS AfTER/Later: My girl friend moves into a 2 bedroom 2 bath... leaving the the two bedroom 1 bath behind. Now the daughter and the son sleep in the same room in their own beds..each having their own bed. I was surprised with the fairly smooth transition so soon that mommy decided when I was there 3 to 4 nights per week, I would be the one sleeping in mommys room and not the kids. The boy seemed to be dealing with it well, and usually the daughter was ok with it. However, recently, the daughter began to want to start sleeping with mommy again and would cry in her room saying" its not fair", over and over for 1/2 hour until I firmly suggested she go speak with her daughter. I enjoy and love being with these kids by the way, its just that I want some priority time with mom,(we've been talking about marriage). And I should say She is a great loving mom.So after 6 months(after we started dating) things seemed to be seeming pretty normal in the new 2 bed/2 bath, except for an occassional time when the daughter wanted to sleep with mommy. It seemed that the kids were beginning to get used to not sleeping with mom. Then mommy/girl friend told me that her 23 year old son needs to move back in with her. That meant that the daughter needed to move back in to mommys room. That same day mommy told me, appearantly she told her youngest kids that their older brother was moving back in. I was waiting for the mom and two youngest to come home while I was waiting at their apartment. As soon as the daughter walked in...the daughter said.."guess what Tom..my brother is moving in and you dont get to sleep with my mommy any more...then 10 minutes later she said it again and added a "ha ha" to it. The moms reaction was virtually NONE. So i had a few days left before the older son moved in. And by the way, the younger son eventually started using the bathroom in the mommys room for showers,etc, instead of the kids bath for the last several weeks. I confronted mom about it, asking Why does he need to be using your bathroom...Mom responded, deniably, " i don't know". I wont get into all the details and things in between. I will say that kids sleeping with their parent can develop some attachment/wedging issues. I see it first hand. Its been difficult for our relationship. Yes, we will certainly have to get a bigger house/apartment together. I just wonder sometimes how long this attachment/wedging issue will go on. I'm being general here and leaving other details/relative attachment struggles out in this relationship. I can probably write a mini book on it. In summary,without a healthy balance to it, I believe sleeping with your kids too frequently can be damaging, in the least, make a new mommy/daddy with their new partner relationships difficult. There are pros and cons to co-sleeping. I think its safe to say that if a single parent plans to have a relationship with another man or woman after a breakup with a parent of the same children...consider keeping a healthy balance of sleeping arrangements with your children and dont over do it....Allow the children to develop some independence and learn to deal with sleeping on their own and being comfortable with it. Hopefully, there will be favorable healthy quality time and loving expressed without it having to be primarily sleep time. This will help allow the new parent/step parent relationship to have less issues when it comes to a healthy balance of parent/step parent and children/parent priority time. As I've mentioned to my girl friend, "Giving me/US some priority time, doesnt mean you love your kids any less". It seems there is a fine line there and knowing how to keep a reasonable healthy balance is the key. And, i dont agree with Dr. Laura Schlessinger that a single parent should NOT date until all their kids are at least 18, even if your kid is less than a year old. However, more power to you if you can do it. Peace.
Hey, StepMom.
I think in order to have a harmonious home, there must first be agreement between the two of you. You and your husband are still newlyweds and although there are few bedrooms, I can't help but think that your bedroom should be off limits. Without private time together to work out things like family rules and develop a united front, it will be all chaos. Work on dividers or a rotation system and perhaps some plans to add on, but I believe you must nurture your new relationship and you need to be established as partner with their dad and someone who makes rules and is respected as well as relied upon.
Hang in there, StepMom!.
I think in order to have a harmonious home, there must first be agreement between the two of you. You and your husband are still newlyweds and although there are few bedrooms, I can't help but think that your bedroom should be off limits. Without private time together to work out things like family rules and develop a united front, it will be all chaos. Work on dividers or a rotation system and perhaps some plans to add on, but I believe you must nurture your new relationship and you need to be established as partner with their dad and someone who makes rules and is respected as well as relied upon.
Hang in there, StepMom!.
Wow, I hadn't been here in a while. Anyway, to the original poster, give the kid a break. If his mother is domiciliary parent, then more than likely he is only seeing his dad every other weekend. And I would be bound to say that more than likely, dad wants his little one in the bed with him as well. There time is indeed limited to do this because the boy will not want to co-sleep forever. He will probably soon want to join your 16 y.o. and turn that couch into a sofa sleeper. Also, I feel the sacrifice is minimal, considering the frequency. If it were consistent everynight, then you would have a viable concern. Blended families are difficult and full of sacrifices.
Baby Hardiman,
I must say, your tone is a bit over the edge. Don't be so defensive, this is simply a forum for opinions, which everyone is entitled to. As for your situation, once you are married, then perhaps you can stress the importance of this to your husband. Until then, the simple fact that he is having someone of the opposite sex sleep over is a HUGE no - no in the court's eyes. (May not even be applicable to his situation).
Another option would be for you and the infant to go in the girl's room when they are over. It would give their dad a little bonding time with them as well. How often does he get them?
Baby Hardiman,
I must say, your tone is a bit over the edge. Don't be so defensive, this is simply a forum for opinions, which everyone is entitled to. As for your situation, once you are married, then perhaps you can stress the importance of this to your husband. Until then, the simple fact that he is having someone of the opposite sex sleep over is a HUGE no - no in the court's eyes. (May not even be applicable to his situation).
Another option would be for you and the infant to go in the girl's room when they are over. It would give their dad a little bonding time with them as well. How often does he get them?
BabyHardiman -
I'm not that way to EVERYONE, in fact very few. I am that way to step parents who are posting about resenting step children - sleeping, being bratty, taking too much attention, drama.
So, that's fine if you don't respond to me anyore, your choice.
I'm not that way to EVERYONE, in fact very few. I am that way to step parents who are posting about resenting step children - sleeping, being bratty, taking too much attention, drama.
So, that's fine if you don't respond to me anyore, your choice.
I'm done replying to you. You are obviously bitter towards families that are blended, so therefor NOTHING I say will convince you (not that I really care because I personally get sick of your judgemental posts and you do it to EVERYONE, not just me) so, I'll move my happy bottom on down to the next thread and leave this one alone. Thanks for nothing. And thank you again, for nothing. We are a family and we function as one.
Agiesmom - If you have any advice will you PM me, please?
Agiesmom - If you have any advice will you PM me, please?
Give it a break already. I AM WORRIED ABOUT THE SAFETY OF MY DAUGHTER IF SHE WERE TO BE IN BED WHILE FEEDING!! I DO NOT plan on co-sleeping with her, but I would probably like to lay down with her every now and then. And NO if the 5 year old was my bio child she would ALREADY be sleeping in her own bed.
In other words you want me to give up and move on, right, because blended families never work. Stop twisting my words.
In other words you want me to give up and move on, right, because blended families never work. Stop twisting my words.
BabyHardiman - I do appreciate your civility, thank you for that.
Your last paragraph in this last post, though, is telling. If these were all your bio kids, the 5 year old would be welcome in your bed with the baby. I can't tell you how many pics I have of my last baby, and his 4 and 5 year old brothers all in our king bed together. Because we're a family.
The fact that you could just cry because you will have to share that time with your husband's daughter is exactly the point, precisely, that I keep harping on. This is why blended families aer so difficult. Because unlike intact families, the 5 year old isn't welcome in the bed with the baby. In a nutshell, you've illustrated what bothers me so much about blended families.
Your last paragraph in this last post, though, is telling. If these were all your bio kids, the 5 year old would be welcome in your bed with the baby. I can't tell you how many pics I have of my last baby, and his 4 and 5 year old brothers all in our king bed together. Because we're a family.
The fact that you could just cry because you will have to share that time with your husband's daughter is exactly the point, precisely, that I keep harping on. This is why blended families aer so difficult. Because unlike intact families, the 5 year old isn't welcome in the bed with the baby. In a nutshell, you've illustrated what bothers me so much about blended families.
RockRose -
"In a situation with an intact family and no chaos,"
I think you have alot of research to do before you offer advice to step-parents again.
Agiesmom -
I am not going to try to defend myself. I have a hard life that I chose and that I LOVE. This is my world and my reality, you are not in it. You say you co-sleep with your babies. Great, maybe I'd like to co-sleep with my new born... guess I can't do that because it will disrupt the 5 year olds world. We have a queen sized bed. I have a Fiancee' who works 10 long hard hours a day.. he works construction, he is tired and sore all over ALL the time. In the middle of our bed we have a 5 year old girl (and sometimes the 7 year old too) who kicks, and squirms all night long because she is hot or squished or because she just isn't sleepy yet and wants to play and talk. Next month I will have a newborn who WILL BE breastfeed. What is your suggestion here? You haven't offered me any advice as of yet. I was not planning on co-sleeping with my daughter. I plan on having her in her crib unless she is feeding. But, I would like to lie in bed with her and feel the warmth of her tiny little body so she can comfortably feed close to her mommy. The 5 year old has a mother. A very caring mother, maybe the best mother I've met. She has a loving step-father, and an abundance of toys, games, computers, tents, bicycles, she has every yard toy you can imagine and she has double everything at that. We feed her top quality food, which of course she hates so we have to give her Pediasure so she gets all the nutrients that she needs. We went the weekend before Easter and spent $240.00 on Sissy and Daddy pictures (I was not in them because I feel it is inappropriate to be in "family" photos until we are married). Yes, I am speaking of material things, and I am talking about giving her every and anything she wants. If it were not for my pushing him, those kids would not have half the structure that they have now. They were not eating at dinner before I came, they were not doing their homework, they were not brushing their teeth, and they were running wild for days without baths, and still do at their moms house. The 5 year old keeps a rash on her bottom because she refuses to bathe for her mom. She will bathe for me, I make it mandatory, and fun. Here they know they have to do things to take care of their bodies, especially being young ladies. We do all sorts of educational learning with them, I am teaching them sign language right now. I sit with our 5 year old and I play her learning computer with her to help her with her letters and numbers... she can count to 100, and know all of her colors, she knows all her ABC's and she can even tie her little shoes. I work very hard for and with these kids. I do not take away from Daddy time.. I feel VERY strongly that they need special time with their daddy. So, I do the cooking, the laundry, and the clean-up. This home functions like any other home in America, whether it is blended or not. I love and nuture those kids, but I would NEVER try to take their mothers place.
All I want is for our entire household to function in a healthy way. I am sorry if I came across defensive.. I guess RockRose and her usual comments upset me. I've got to start letting those things roll off of my back.
If you can suggest anything to help with the transition, my eyes and ears are wide open. I could just cry thinking about not being able to spend that time bonding with the baby because the 5 year old is in our bed. I fear for my baby's safety, and mine after my c-section. I just don't know what to do.
"In a situation with an intact family and no chaos,"
I think you have alot of research to do before you offer advice to step-parents again.
Agiesmom -
I am not going to try to defend myself. I have a hard life that I chose and that I LOVE. This is my world and my reality, you are not in it. You say you co-sleep with your babies. Great, maybe I'd like to co-sleep with my new born... guess I can't do that because it will disrupt the 5 year olds world. We have a queen sized bed. I have a Fiancee' who works 10 long hard hours a day.. he works construction, he is tired and sore all over ALL the time. In the middle of our bed we have a 5 year old girl (and sometimes the 7 year old too) who kicks, and squirms all night long because she is hot or squished or because she just isn't sleepy yet and wants to play and talk. Next month I will have a newborn who WILL BE breastfeed. What is your suggestion here? You haven't offered me any advice as of yet. I was not planning on co-sleeping with my daughter. I plan on having her in her crib unless she is feeding. But, I would like to lie in bed with her and feel the warmth of her tiny little body so she can comfortably feed close to her mommy. The 5 year old has a mother. A very caring mother, maybe the best mother I've met. She has a loving step-father, and an abundance of toys, games, computers, tents, bicycles, she has every yard toy you can imagine and she has double everything at that. We feed her top quality food, which of course she hates so we have to give her Pediasure so she gets all the nutrients that she needs. We went the weekend before Easter and spent $240.00 on Sissy and Daddy pictures (I was not in them because I feel it is inappropriate to be in "family" photos until we are married). Yes, I am speaking of material things, and I am talking about giving her every and anything she wants. If it were not for my pushing him, those kids would not have half the structure that they have now. They were not eating at dinner before I came, they were not doing their homework, they were not brushing their teeth, and they were running wild for days without baths, and still do at their moms house. The 5 year old keeps a rash on her bottom because she refuses to bathe for her mom. She will bathe for me, I make it mandatory, and fun. Here they know they have to do things to take care of their bodies, especially being young ladies. We do all sorts of educational learning with them, I am teaching them sign language right now. I sit with our 5 year old and I play her learning computer with her to help her with her letters and numbers... she can count to 100, and know all of her colors, she knows all her ABC's and she can even tie her little shoes. I work very hard for and with these kids. I do not take away from Daddy time.. I feel VERY strongly that they need special time with their daddy. So, I do the cooking, the laundry, and the clean-up. This home functions like any other home in America, whether it is blended or not. I love and nuture those kids, but I would NEVER try to take their mothers place.
All I want is for our entire household to function in a healthy way. I am sorry if I came across defensive.. I guess RockRose and her usual comments upset me. I've got to start letting those things roll off of my back.
If you can suggest anything to help with the transition, my eyes and ears are wide open. I could just cry thinking about not being able to spend that time bonding with the baby because the 5 year old is in our bed. I fear for my baby's safety, and mine after my c-section. I just don't know what to do.
How ironic my 4 year old daughter just removed our cat from my bed and said she needs to learn to be in her own bed I replied just like u did and she said ya just like me now that makes me feel lik Im teaching my child in an appropriate way because all she did is place milky in her bed and milky staied there if u teach them they will try to teach others this does work for me but ur right to each there own
Maybe it's ur dilivery ur a little harsh ur self and kind of rude at that. I apoligize im not a very good typer or speller but here I will take my time ur home is on a foundation correct and with out that foundation when it rains ur home will sink or slide down hill. So in comparrison if u do not put ur relationship first and show ur children who runs the house and makes the rules. Then u will have more arguments about the children and how to disipline them which causes more tension in ur home and if the children do not want u to be with one another like u said above. When they here u arguing about them they feel as if they have one by causing a rucus. This whole forum is about helping others and looking at things from a different view not to be SNIDE your self and snotty that is not fair if ur frustrated and can't understand it to act like that It doesn't feel good to treat others like that and it doesn't make them feel good either. Trust me my mom dated every man in the world and I was drug around sooo I know what it's like to be the child in the middle and trust me if I didn't like a guy he was out I threw a fit and stired up **** as that's what kid's do especially when they have no boundries set in the beginning because my mom treated me like her friend and it didn;t get her very far
Maybe it's ur dilivery ur a little harsh ur self and kind of rude at that. I apoligize im not a very good typer or speller but here I will take my time ur home is on a foundation correct and with out that foundation when it rains ur home will sink or slide down hill. So in comparrison if u do not put ur relationship first and show ur children who runs the house and makes the rules. Then u will have more arguments about the children and how to disipline them which causes more tension in ur home and if the children do not want u to be with one another like u said above. When they here u arguing about them they feel as if they have one by causing a rucus. This whole forum is about helping others and looking at things from a different view not to be SNIDE your self and snotty that is not fair if ur frustrated and can't understand it to act like that It doesn't feel good to treat others like that and it doesn't make them feel good either. Trust me my mom dated every man in the world and I was drug around sooo I know what it's like to be the child in the middle and trust me if I didn't like a guy he was out I threw a fit and stired up **** as that's what kid's do especially when they have no boundries set in the beginning because my mom treated me like her friend and it didn;t get her very far
Ribriane, you are in a different position from the OP, I believe.
In a situation with an intact family and no chaos, children should be expected to usually sleep in their own beds, as a matter of habit.
The original poster is in a blended family and the boy is only there for weekends (maybe everyother weekend, I couldn't tell) and he doesn't have any space in the house that is his, even the boy who lives there full time doesn't have a place.
Rules of thumb don't always work - looking at this boy's situation, from a divorced family visiting his dad in a house that doesn't have adequate space for everyone, and BOTH the dad and boy want to sleep together - that's a different issue.
In a situation with an intact family and no chaos, children should be expected to usually sleep in their own beds, as a matter of habit.
The original poster is in a blended family and the boy is only there for weekends (maybe everyother weekend, I couldn't tell) and he doesn't have any space in the house that is his, even the boy who lives there full time doesn't have a place.
Rules of thumb don't always work - looking at this boy's situation, from a divorced family visiting his dad in a house that doesn't have adequate space for everyone, and BOTH the dad and boy want to sleep together - that's a different issue.
Wow, things have gotten pretty tense here. My suggestion to the original poster is this... You certainly do need your own space, and so do your kids. There is no reason to bicker over whether or not co-sleeping is acceptable or not. Obviously, it's not working and will continue this way if nothing is done about it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get a little alone time. Your stepson needs to transition back to his own room. Give him a night light, tuck him in and maybe stay with him for a few minutes until he falls asleep. Rub his back or tummy or something to help him wind down.
Most importantly, as hard as it may be, make your husband walk the boy back to bed when he gets up. Every time. Or you can do it, but the point is, you tuck him back in and he'll finally see that he is going to have to sleep in his own bed because getting up isn't doing any good. It's not mean, it's simply loving and firm.
I know because our 4 yr old daughter did it too, she'd come in scared or something and we got lazy and stopped getting up to put her back. She'd climb in and then eventually, we couldn't get her to sleep in her own bed at all.
Most importantly, as hard as it may be, make your husband walk the boy back to bed when he gets up. Every time. Or you can do it, but the point is, you tuck him back in and he'll finally see that he is going to have to sleep in his own bed because getting up isn't doing any good. It's not mean, it's simply loving and firm.
I know because our 4 yr old daughter did it too, she'd come in scared or something and we got lazy and stopped getting up to put her back. She'd climb in and then eventually, we couldn't get her to sleep in her own bed at all.
BabyHardiman, you seem to be taking the comments in this thread very personally. The only reason to do that would be if you felt insecure (go ahead, protest all you want). I had no idea about your personal situation when I made my comments, so they weren't directed at you. Again...how we do it works for us. I think I explained that pretty well, but you seem to have come to inaccurate conclusions about what I wrote--took a word or phrase and got defensive over it (like assuming I was calling you a dictator). Again...it's odd how you take things so personally and get so defensive. I'm glad things are working well for you the way you do it.
My comments were "generally speaking, this is what I believe" comments, not directed at you personally. My point about the king comments is that when you suddenly put your own personal needs and wants ahead of those of your children (not wanting to be married to their other parent, wanting/needing to be loved by another person of the opposite sex (even if your child doesn't like that person or want to have that person in his/her life), wanting/needing a romantic relationship that takes your time, effort, and attention (time, effort, and attention that they would have had otherwise), having them go back and forth between two homes because that's what works for you and their other parent, having them have to deal with other adult parental figures because this is how you want it, having them have to find their place with other children of other people, because this is what you chose for yourself and them, etc., etc., etc.), it changes the dynamic. Like it or not, it AFFECTS them (and usually it's not in a positive way).
FreeSpirit4Life, I had a hard time making sense of your post, but I think I got the gist of it. I think you are referring to something different than I was saying. I never said anything about being friends and not authority figures and letting your kids do what they want and rule the house and get their way all the time. For some reason, that's the conclusion to which you and BH jumped. It's not black and white, all or nothing. But, I'm glad you figured out what works for your family.
My comments were "generally speaking, this is what I believe" comments, not directed at you personally. My point about the king comments is that when you suddenly put your own personal needs and wants ahead of those of your children (not wanting to be married to their other parent, wanting/needing to be loved by another person of the opposite sex (even if your child doesn't like that person or want to have that person in his/her life), wanting/needing a romantic relationship that takes your time, effort, and attention (time, effort, and attention that they would have had otherwise), having them go back and forth between two homes because that's what works for you and their other parent, having them have to deal with other adult parental figures because this is how you want it, having them have to find their place with other children of other people, because this is what you chose for yourself and them, etc., etc., etc.), it changes the dynamic. Like it or not, it AFFECTS them (and usually it's not in a positive way).
FreeSpirit4Life, I had a hard time making sense of your post, but I think I got the gist of it. I think you are referring to something different than I was saying. I never said anything about being friends and not authority figures and letting your kids do what they want and rule the house and get their way all the time. For some reason, that's the conclusion to which you and BH jumped. It's not black and white, all or nothing. But, I'm glad you figured out what works for your family.
hink the children need to know who's boss u never would have seen kid's acting the way they do in the 50's & 60's because they new there were consiquences the way kid's are in stores and imagine them at home mine act's out don't get me wrong even in storess I just realy envy thr quality of life and unity they had in those day's now were a wasteful society that is lazy and just want's to sit around and free load this is a generalization Im not at all saying everyone is I just think if everything wasnt child abuse are kis would know how's boss were not there friends first when it comes to disiplining and them pushing the limit way to far because they think there in control
And you are assuming that we "rule" like dictators? Give me a break lady. I never said I rule like a dictator, heck, I do "rule" at all. I do not dicipline his children, and I DO NOT talk about CO-SLEEPING in front of them. I see how unhealthy it is for his daughter to lay in her bed a scream to the top of her lungs to sleep with her father. It hurts both him and I. It is situational with her. If we give her a "treat" to sleep in her bed, there are NO tears. If she has a friend over, there are NO tears to sleep in her own bed. We can't continue to reward her bad hehaviour. Would you? She will say out loud "if you give me something I want cry"... what do you suggest we do? Should we allow her to sleep with us for as long as she wants. I guess I'll just take the baby and sleep down stairs on the couch, and she can have my spot in bed, because my daugher needs me, she will be an infant and unable to feed, and change herself... and I will need my sleep in order to take care of her needs.
I totally agree with u about the relationship first because if u dont have a strong unity which is the foundation to your home then the house will sink ie your marriage will fall apart and then wher are your children another statistic stuck in the middle I have been with my hubby off and on for 11 years and we did seperate because of personal prob. and the main one who suffered was our angle people our to quick to give up these days a marriage is tuff but if u really truely love someone u will stay with them and get outside help it will make ur relationship that much stronger but what do I know im only 25 and thats my personal opinion LOL........
Oh…you were actually asking me to elaborate via your snide comments. Ok. Sure. Why not.
My kids feel secure, confident, safe, and feel like they are our priority, because they are.
My son was in our bed while he nursed and could always come into our room to sleep on the crib mattress next to our bed whenever he felt the need to do so. He would do so intermittently until he was around four years old. He has slept in his own bed, in his own room, through the night, with no problems since then and he’s going to be 12 years old in six weeks.
My daughter is 13 months old. She is nursing and sleeps in our bed most of the night (starts out in the porta-crib next to our bed). The above will go for her, too.
My kids feel very secure, bonded, and connected with us and that instills confidence.
I look at it this way: You can rule one of two ways—as a dictator or a well-loved king. Well-loved kings are loved and respected because the well-being and needs of their subjects is their top priority. If a king were to suddenly put his own wants, needs, and desires before those of his subjects, without regard to the effect this has on his subjects, he would no longer be well-loved and respected. His subjects may even revolt and attempt to overthrow him.
We choose to rule like well-loved kings. It works for us.
My kids feel secure, confident, safe, and feel like they are our priority, because they are.
My son was in our bed while he nursed and could always come into our room to sleep on the crib mattress next to our bed whenever he felt the need to do so. He would do so intermittently until he was around four years old. He has slept in his own bed, in his own room, through the night, with no problems since then and he’s going to be 12 years old in six weeks.
My daughter is 13 months old. She is nursing and sleeps in our bed most of the night (starts out in the porta-crib next to our bed). The above will go for her, too.
My kids feel very secure, bonded, and connected with us and that instills confidence.
I look at it this way: You can rule one of two ways—as a dictator or a well-loved king. Well-loved kings are loved and respected because the well-being and needs of their subjects is their top priority. If a king were to suddenly put his own wants, needs, and desires before those of his subjects, without regard to the effect this has on his subjects, he would no longer be well-loved and respected. His subjects may even revolt and attempt to overthrow him.
We choose to rule like well-loved kings. It works for us.
You are protesting WAY too much. No one is making it out to be evil. Like it or not, it's rarely a picnic for the kids--whether or not millions of families choose to live this way or not.
By the way just to explain the numbers again:
At their moms house they have:
1 half brother who is 2 years old
1 step-brother who is 12 years old
1 step-sister who is 9 years old
At our home they have:
1 half sister who is 1 and a Half (who they do not see right now because of a custody battle between mother and father)
1 half sister who will be with us very shortly
The step-parents did not create this life for these kids.. if anything we come along to try to create balance and give more love to kids of broken homes. I did not break up my Fiancee and his ex-wife, they were divorced long before I came along. I am sick of people trying to make step-parents out to be evil good for nothings.
At their moms house they have:
1 half brother who is 2 years old
1 step-brother who is 12 years old
1 step-sister who is 9 years old
At our home they have:
1 half sister who is 1 and a Half (who they do not see right now because of a custody battle between mother and father)
1 half sister who will be with us very shortly
The step-parents did not create this life for these kids.. if anything we come along to try to create balance and give more love to kids of broken homes. I did not break up my Fiancee and his ex-wife, they were divorced long before I came along. I am sick of people trying to make step-parents out to be evil good for nothings.
And if I read one more post that says the kids must come first I swear I am going to pull my hair out. THE KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST IN OUR HOME!! But for goodness sake does NO ONE agree that they should have THEIR OWN space and the adults have theirs?? I am living my life for these kids and their father. We do EVERYTHING in our power.. and we DO A DAMNED good job of creating a stable environment for them. I DO NOT practice any rituals that their mother performs with them. They do not and will never call me "mommy". I do not dicipline them, unless it's a time out when their father is not around and they do things to harm each other.. which happens rather frequently, lets not forget they ARE KIDS. These kids know we are getting married. Between them they have 1 half brother, 2 half sisters, 1 step brother and 1 step sister, then there is the two of them. While the number is large, the competition is small. Everyone is treated equally in our home. You can try to make it out like we live in a zoo, but you are sadly mistaken. There are millions of families who live this way. It seems to me that you are trying to make the blended family out to be some evil immoral complicated mess.
I'm assuming you live in a blended family. I DO have a child on the way and SHE NEEDS to fit in there somewhere. We do NOT struggle for attention.. most of the time I am off in the background cooking, and cleaning up after all of them.. because they most certainly do not clean up after themselves. We do not have a "pecking order". I have read MANY books on blended families and STILL THE MAJORITY SAY that the PARENTS MUST put their relationship FIRST. DO NOT make my relationship out to look "dirty", please!!
BabyHardimon, this maxim of the adults run the house and the kids follow the adult's wishes only works if there is a stable, intact married family with their own kids.
It falls completely apart - and is no longer appropriate when there are live in girlfriends, and children parented by multiple bio parents and the children come and go and the live in girlfriends and boyfriends come and go - at that point, the adults no longer are in the position to make the rules and the children must abide.
Here's why. In a stable married family with bio kids, the decisions are most typically made in favor of the kids. THe kids come first in the hearts, although sometimes they don't feel that way. Their best interest is first in both the man and woman head of household.
This isn't true when marriages fall apart and new girlfriends come in and out and new babies come. THEN, it becomes a struggle for who gets the man's attention - will it be you, or will it be his children? There is no longer the set up that both of you are standing together trying to create a better life for the kids at sacrifice to your own comfort. At this point, it's every man for himself to get the most goodies and the most attention and be higher in the pecking order.
In cases of blended families, and unmarried new spouses the priority has to be reversed - and the kid's wishes have to take priority over the new live in lovers. To make it so the kids ever get enough of what they need. And that doesn't mean more fluffy pillows.
It falls completely apart - and is no longer appropriate when there are live in girlfriends, and children parented by multiple bio parents and the children come and go and the live in girlfriends and boyfriends come and go - at that point, the adults no longer are in the position to make the rules and the children must abide.
Here's why. In a stable married family with bio kids, the decisions are most typically made in favor of the kids. THe kids come first in the hearts, although sometimes they don't feel that way. Their best interest is first in both the man and woman head of household.
This isn't true when marriages fall apart and new girlfriends come in and out and new babies come. THEN, it becomes a struggle for who gets the man's attention - will it be you, or will it be his children? There is no longer the set up that both of you are standing together trying to create a better life for the kids at sacrifice to your own comfort. At this point, it's every man for himself to get the most goodies and the most attention and be higher in the pecking order.
In cases of blended families, and unmarried new spouses the priority has to be reversed - and the kid's wishes have to take priority over the new live in lovers. To make it so the kids ever get enough of what they need. And that doesn't mean more fluffy pillows.
Oh, well, I thought maybe you could clarify what you wrote. You seem to think that she is so insensitive and selfish for wanting alone time with her husband.
"I've always believed that kids should come first--despite the adults' wants, needs, desires, etc. But many people post here complaining about their step-children and how the child/children are making their lives unbearable."
I don't recall anyone saying that the children make their lives "unbearable"... this was mainly pointed at step-parents, which mind you, does not make us any less of an authority figures or decision makers in OUR OWN homes.
"I've always believed that kids should come first--despite the adults' wants, needs, desires, etc. But many people post here complaining about their step-children and how the child/children are making their lives unbearable."
I don't recall anyone saying that the children make their lives "unbearable"... this was mainly pointed at step-parents, which mind you, does not make us any less of an authority figures or decision makers in OUR OWN homes.
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