Aa
co-sleeping
My husband and I just got married 2 months ago. we have 7 children combined. His 6 year old being the youngest. we have to share a 3 bedroom home so his 6 yr old son or my 16 year old son do not have a bedroom. My son sleeps in the living room on the couch. His son, 6 years old, had always slept with him since his first divorce (3 years). We talked about his son sleeping with us before we got married and he agreed we would gradually break him from sleping with us. Every since we got married in mid January 2008, his son has slept with us (and in the middle) every night that we have had him on our weekends/spring break. I have talked to my husband about it 3 times because it really bothers me and I feel like it is causing a wall between us. He says "he is only 6 and they are only little once and he doesnt have a bedroom" I dont agree with this and need advice. His son is a very very mature 6 year old and I know he will adapt well. He doesnt sleep with his mom or her husband, so why should he sleep with us when he is at our house? I think as often as his kids are over at our house his son can sleep with one of his sisters or on the couch or make a pallet. I just don't think it is healthy in any marriage, especially a new marriage and I think his son knows this is a way he can keep his dad from giving me any attention that he thinks he should get. What should I do? I think a parents room is for parents and should be off limits to children unless they are sick or just having a really bad night. But it should never be every night.
This discussion is related to 6 yr old sleeping with parents.
This discussion is related to 6 yr old sleeping with parents.
This is so complex. Most telling was "I think his son knows this is a way he can keep his dad from giving me any attention that he thinks he should get." I think you've got real problems with resentment here, that go beyond the inconvenience of having a child in your bedroom.
I also think your 16 year old should have a bedroom - even if that means you and your husband are on the couch. Kids need a bed that is theirs and theirs alone, and they need a space that is their personal space - even if the space is tiny or in a bedroom shared with another child. He really needs a private personal place, even if he tells you he doesn't. He does.
The six year old doesn't live with you all the time - just weekends? I think you need to bend on that. Just be flexible. Your husband is right, they are only young once.
As far as the entire house - can you subdivide a room, or can you move to a bigger house where you have adequate space for your family?
I also think your 16 year old should have a bedroom - even if that means you and your husband are on the couch. Kids need a bed that is theirs and theirs alone, and they need a space that is their personal space - even if the space is tiny or in a bedroom shared with another child. He really needs a private personal place, even if he tells you he doesn't. He does.
The six year old doesn't live with you all the time - just weekends? I think you need to bend on that. Just be flexible. Your husband is right, they are only young once.
As far as the entire house - can you subdivide a room, or can you move to a bigger house where you have adequate space for your family?
Could you possibly explain who sleeps in which rooms? How old are the kids and who sleeps where? I'm sure his 6 yr old could share a room on the weekends or he could use a pallet or blow up bed when he's there. There must be a way to share rooms to get everyone in their own bed. That's why I asked who sleeps where...
I am having the same problem with my Fiancee's 5 and 7 year old girls. They DO NOT sleep with her mom and her husband either at her home. I have told my Fiancee on numerous occasions that the co-sleeping thing has to stop. I am 34 weeks ( 8 and 1/2 months) pregnant, and those girls KICK like you wouldn't believe!! It is likely that I will have a c-section because the baby hasn't flipped yet, and we only have about a month before she is due. We have the crib in our room for the baby.. that combined with the complicated fact if I have a c-setion it will be extremely painful to be kicked in the belly. His kids do have a room of their own that they share. They have nice beds, they have a c r a p load of fluffy pillows they have everything they've ever wanted and NEED plus some! I really would love to read the responses that you are going to get... because even though his girls have their own rooms, their own beds and a TON of comfy accesories for their bed, they STILL want to sleep in our bed.. which is right across the hall. Most of the time I think it's just an attention getter and that they really don't want to be in our bed. If they were comfy in our bed they wouldn't complain the ENTIRE time they are in there that they are SQUISHED or that they are HOT or that they can't sleep... that is why they say they kick. It's frustrating.
Gosh, this is tough. I would say you both need to sit down with your fiance/husband and tell them once more that it has to stop. If you have to look online or call a child psychologist or counselore and ask them what the effects of co sleeping at these ages can do to a child. It may not be harmful, but then again, there may be some effects that could be discouraging to your spouses. Good luck to you both.
I'm with your husband. They're only young once, he's used to sleeping with his dad, and he probably feels very insecure and probably not overjoyed over the situation.
I've always believed that kids should come first--despite the adults' wants, needs, desires, etc. But many people post here complaining about their step-children and how the child/children are making their lives unbearable. Kids don't have the same experience or coping skills as adults and to expect them to conform when they are likely feeling insecure and unhappy is not reasonable. And they didn't sign up for this two-home, back and forth life--it was created for them.
Try pushing the bed up against the wall on your husband's side of the bed and have your husband sleep in the middle if you feel left out.
I've always believed that kids should come first--despite the adults' wants, needs, desires, etc. But many people post here complaining about their step-children and how the child/children are making their lives unbearable. Kids don't have the same experience or coping skills as adults and to expect them to conform when they are likely feeling insecure and unhappy is not reasonable. And they didn't sign up for this two-home, back and forth life--it was created for them.
Try pushing the bed up against the wall on your husband's side of the bed and have your husband sleep in the middle if you feel left out.
So exactly how long do you think it is appropriate for a child to co-sleep with their parents?? No matter if it's in a home that has step-parents on or in a home that has the bio dad and mom? What? Until they are teenagers? Just let them decide when it's time to sleep in their own beds? Do you feel that a child should run a household? Do you feel that the children should make the rules? And what about a house that has more than one child, a home that has to see to multiple childrens needs? Should the other children suffer because there is one insecure child? This is not only a problem for step-parents.. my brother and sister-n-law have the same problem with their youngest.
In order to have a happy healthy home the parents MUST be able to function as a team. Without the captains the team would crumble, and lose. Kids need boundries, as well as their own space. Kids at some point need to be taught how to be independent, and not co-dependent. Wouldn't you agree?
In order to have a happy healthy home the parents MUST be able to function as a team. Without the captains the team would crumble, and lose. Kids need boundries, as well as their own space. Kids at some point need to be taught how to be independent, and not co-dependent. Wouldn't you agree?
what if he slept on a air matress on his dads side of the bed and then you could either keep him there or slowly move him somewhere else but its baby steps not a huge leap and then u dont feel as un comfortable its kind of a compramise
Boy...those were some amazing conclusions to which you jumped. Very silly.
I stand by my post.
I stand by my post.
I recommended a air mattress or a cot. He said it's an idea. But you still cant be "alone" with another child in the room. You know what I mean? So Last night he was finally going to have him sleep with his sisters. His son was cool with that...I thought. So We went to bed. We were going to have "quality" time in our own bed for the first time in almost 2 weeks without him being in our bed and he walked in on us. This is what I am talking about. He walked in our room 4 times! catching us the last time. I hate that because what does that tell your children? does it give them a visual for a long time catcing your parents in action? his son finally got his way to sleep with us again and we never got to take care of business. We have to have our alone time as well. Well, we will seee how tonight goes.
Oh, well, I thought maybe you could clarify what you wrote. You seem to think that she is so insensitive and selfish for wanting alone time with her husband.
"I've always believed that kids should come first--despite the adults' wants, needs, desires, etc. But many people post here complaining about their step-children and how the child/children are making their lives unbearable."
I don't recall anyone saying that the children make their lives "unbearable"... this was mainly pointed at step-parents, which mind you, does not make us any less of an authority figures or decision makers in OUR OWN homes.
"I've always believed that kids should come first--despite the adults' wants, needs, desires, etc. But many people post here complaining about their step-children and how the child/children are making their lives unbearable."
I don't recall anyone saying that the children make their lives "unbearable"... this was mainly pointed at step-parents, which mind you, does not make us any less of an authority figures or decision makers in OUR OWN homes.
BabyHardimon, this maxim of the adults run the house and the kids follow the adult's wishes only works if there is a stable, intact married family with their own kids.
It falls completely apart - and is no longer appropriate when there are live in girlfriends, and children parented by multiple bio parents and the children come and go and the live in girlfriends and boyfriends come and go - at that point, the adults no longer are in the position to make the rules and the children must abide.
Here's why. In a stable married family with bio kids, the decisions are most typically made in favor of the kids. THe kids come first in the hearts, although sometimes they don't feel that way. Their best interest is first in both the man and woman head of household.
This isn't true when marriages fall apart and new girlfriends come in and out and new babies come. THEN, it becomes a struggle for who gets the man's attention - will it be you, or will it be his children? There is no longer the set up that both of you are standing together trying to create a better life for the kids at sacrifice to your own comfort. At this point, it's every man for himself to get the most goodies and the most attention and be higher in the pecking order.
In cases of blended families, and unmarried new spouses the priority has to be reversed - and the kid's wishes have to take priority over the new live in lovers. To make it so the kids ever get enough of what they need. And that doesn't mean more fluffy pillows.
It falls completely apart - and is no longer appropriate when there are live in girlfriends, and children parented by multiple bio parents and the children come and go and the live in girlfriends and boyfriends come and go - at that point, the adults no longer are in the position to make the rules and the children must abide.
Here's why. In a stable married family with bio kids, the decisions are most typically made in favor of the kids. THe kids come first in the hearts, although sometimes they don't feel that way. Their best interest is first in both the man and woman head of household.
This isn't true when marriages fall apart and new girlfriends come in and out and new babies come. THEN, it becomes a struggle for who gets the man's attention - will it be you, or will it be his children? There is no longer the set up that both of you are standing together trying to create a better life for the kids at sacrifice to your own comfort. At this point, it's every man for himself to get the most goodies and the most attention and be higher in the pecking order.
In cases of blended families, and unmarried new spouses the priority has to be reversed - and the kid's wishes have to take priority over the new live in lovers. To make it so the kids ever get enough of what they need. And that doesn't mean more fluffy pillows.
I'm assuming you live in a blended family. I DO have a child on the way and SHE NEEDS to fit in there somewhere. We do NOT struggle for attention.. most of the time I am off in the background cooking, and cleaning up after all of them.. because they most certainly do not clean up after themselves. We do not have a "pecking order". I have read MANY books on blended families and STILL THE MAJORITY SAY that the PARENTS MUST put their relationship FIRST. DO NOT make my relationship out to look "dirty", please!!
And if I read one more post that says the kids must come first I swear I am going to pull my hair out. THE KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST IN OUR HOME!! But for goodness sake does NO ONE agree that they should have THEIR OWN space and the adults have theirs?? I am living my life for these kids and their father. We do EVERYTHING in our power.. and we DO A DAMNED good job of creating a stable environment for them. I DO NOT practice any rituals that their mother performs with them. They do not and will never call me "mommy". I do not dicipline them, unless it's a time out when their father is not around and they do things to harm each other.. which happens rather frequently, lets not forget they ARE KIDS. These kids know we are getting married. Between them they have 1 half brother, 2 half sisters, 1 step brother and 1 step sister, then there is the two of them. While the number is large, the competition is small. Everyone is treated equally in our home. You can try to make it out like we live in a zoo, but you are sadly mistaken. There are millions of families who live this way. It seems to me that you are trying to make the blended family out to be some evil immoral complicated mess.
By the way just to explain the numbers again:
At their moms house they have:
1 half brother who is 2 years old
1 step-brother who is 12 years old
1 step-sister who is 9 years old
At our home they have:
1 half sister who is 1 and a Half (who they do not see right now because of a custody battle between mother and father)
1 half sister who will be with us very shortly
The step-parents did not create this life for these kids.. if anything we come along to try to create balance and give more love to kids of broken homes. I did not break up my Fiancee and his ex-wife, they were divorced long before I came along. I am sick of people trying to make step-parents out to be evil good for nothings.
At their moms house they have:
1 half brother who is 2 years old
1 step-brother who is 12 years old
1 step-sister who is 9 years old
At our home they have:
1 half sister who is 1 and a Half (who they do not see right now because of a custody battle between mother and father)
1 half sister who will be with us very shortly
The step-parents did not create this life for these kids.. if anything we come along to try to create balance and give more love to kids of broken homes. I did not break up my Fiancee and his ex-wife, they were divorced long before I came along. I am sick of people trying to make step-parents out to be evil good for nothings.
You are protesting WAY too much. No one is making it out to be evil. Like it or not, it's rarely a picnic for the kids--whether or not millions of families choose to live this way or not.
Oh…you were actually asking me to elaborate via your snide comments. Ok. Sure. Why not.
My kids feel secure, confident, safe, and feel like they are our priority, because they are.
My son was in our bed while he nursed and could always come into our room to sleep on the crib mattress next to our bed whenever he felt the need to do so. He would do so intermittently until he was around four years old. He has slept in his own bed, in his own room, through the night, with no problems since then and he’s going to be 12 years old in six weeks.
My daughter is 13 months old. She is nursing and sleeps in our bed most of the night (starts out in the porta-crib next to our bed). The above will go for her, too.
My kids feel very secure, bonded, and connected with us and that instills confidence.
I look at it this way: You can rule one of two ways—as a dictator or a well-loved king. Well-loved kings are loved and respected because the well-being and needs of their subjects is their top priority. If a king were to suddenly put his own wants, needs, and desires before those of his subjects, without regard to the effect this has on his subjects, he would no longer be well-loved and respected. His subjects may even revolt and attempt to overthrow him.
We choose to rule like well-loved kings. It works for us.
My kids feel secure, confident, safe, and feel like they are our priority, because they are.
My son was in our bed while he nursed and could always come into our room to sleep on the crib mattress next to our bed whenever he felt the need to do so. He would do so intermittently until he was around four years old. He has slept in his own bed, in his own room, through the night, with no problems since then and he’s going to be 12 years old in six weeks.
My daughter is 13 months old. She is nursing and sleeps in our bed most of the night (starts out in the porta-crib next to our bed). The above will go for her, too.
My kids feel very secure, bonded, and connected with us and that instills confidence.
I look at it this way: You can rule one of two ways—as a dictator or a well-loved king. Well-loved kings are loved and respected because the well-being and needs of their subjects is their top priority. If a king were to suddenly put his own wants, needs, and desires before those of his subjects, without regard to the effect this has on his subjects, he would no longer be well-loved and respected. His subjects may even revolt and attempt to overthrow him.
We choose to rule like well-loved kings. It works for us.
I totally agree with u about the relationship first because if u dont have a strong unity which is the foundation to your home then the house will sink ie your marriage will fall apart and then wher are your children another statistic stuck in the middle I have been with my hubby off and on for 11 years and we did seperate because of personal prob. and the main one who suffered was our angle people our to quick to give up these days a marriage is tuff but if u really truely love someone u will stay with them and get outside help it will make ur relationship that much stronger but what do I know im only 25 and thats my personal opinion LOL........
And you are assuming that we "rule" like dictators? Give me a break lady. I never said I rule like a dictator, heck, I do "rule" at all. I do not dicipline his children, and I DO NOT talk about CO-SLEEPING in front of them. I see how unhealthy it is for his daughter to lay in her bed a scream to the top of her lungs to sleep with her father. It hurts both him and I. It is situational with her. If we give her a "treat" to sleep in her bed, there are NO tears. If she has a friend over, there are NO tears to sleep in her own bed. We can't continue to reward her bad hehaviour. Would you? She will say out loud "if you give me something I want cry"... what do you suggest we do? Should we allow her to sleep with us for as long as she wants. I guess I'll just take the baby and sleep down stairs on the couch, and she can have my spot in bed, because my daugher needs me, she will be an infant and unable to feed, and change herself... and I will need my sleep in order to take care of her needs.
hink the children need to know who's boss u never would have seen kid's acting the way they do in the 50's & 60's because they new there were consiquences the way kid's are in stores and imagine them at home mine act's out don't get me wrong even in storess I just realy envy thr quality of life and unity they had in those day's now were a wasteful society that is lazy and just want's to sit around and free load this is a generalization Im not at all saying everyone is I just think if everything wasnt child abuse are kis would know how's boss were not there friends first when it comes to disiplining and them pushing the limit way to far because they think there in control
BabyHardiman, you seem to be taking the comments in this thread very personally. The only reason to do that would be if you felt insecure (go ahead, protest all you want). I had no idea about your personal situation when I made my comments, so they weren't directed at you. Again...how we do it works for us. I think I explained that pretty well, but you seem to have come to inaccurate conclusions about what I wrote--took a word or phrase and got defensive over it (like assuming I was calling you a dictator). Again...it's odd how you take things so personally and get so defensive. I'm glad things are working well for you the way you do it.
My comments were "generally speaking, this is what I believe" comments, not directed at you personally. My point about the king comments is that when you suddenly put your own personal needs and wants ahead of those of your children (not wanting to be married to their other parent, wanting/needing to be loved by another person of the opposite sex (even if your child doesn't like that person or want to have that person in his/her life), wanting/needing a romantic relationship that takes your time, effort, and attention (time, effort, and attention that they would have had otherwise), having them go back and forth between two homes because that's what works for you and their other parent, having them have to deal with other adult parental figures because this is how you want it, having them have to find their place with other children of other people, because this is what you chose for yourself and them, etc., etc., etc.), it changes the dynamic. Like it or not, it AFFECTS them (and usually it's not in a positive way).
FreeSpirit4Life, I had a hard time making sense of your post, but I think I got the gist of it. I think you are referring to something different than I was saying. I never said anything about being friends and not authority figures and letting your kids do what they want and rule the house and get their way all the time. For some reason, that's the conclusion to which you and BH jumped. It's not black and white, all or nothing. But, I'm glad you figured out what works for your family.
My comments were "generally speaking, this is what I believe" comments, not directed at you personally. My point about the king comments is that when you suddenly put your own personal needs and wants ahead of those of your children (not wanting to be married to their other parent, wanting/needing to be loved by another person of the opposite sex (even if your child doesn't like that person or want to have that person in his/her life), wanting/needing a romantic relationship that takes your time, effort, and attention (time, effort, and attention that they would have had otherwise), having them go back and forth between two homes because that's what works for you and their other parent, having them have to deal with other adult parental figures because this is how you want it, having them have to find their place with other children of other people, because this is what you chose for yourself and them, etc., etc., etc.), it changes the dynamic. Like it or not, it AFFECTS them (and usually it's not in a positive way).
FreeSpirit4Life, I had a hard time making sense of your post, but I think I got the gist of it. I think you are referring to something different than I was saying. I never said anything about being friends and not authority figures and letting your kids do what they want and rule the house and get their way all the time. For some reason, that's the conclusion to which you and BH jumped. It's not black and white, all or nothing. But, I'm glad you figured out what works for your family.
Wow, things have gotten pretty tense here. My suggestion to the original poster is this... You certainly do need your own space, and so do your kids. There is no reason to bicker over whether or not co-sleeping is acceptable or not. Obviously, it's not working and will continue this way if nothing is done about it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get a little alone time. Your stepson needs to transition back to his own room. Give him a night light, tuck him in and maybe stay with him for a few minutes until he falls asleep. Rub his back or tummy or something to help him wind down.
Most importantly, as hard as it may be, make your husband walk the boy back to bed when he gets up. Every time. Or you can do it, but the point is, you tuck him back in and he'll finally see that he is going to have to sleep in his own bed because getting up isn't doing any good. It's not mean, it's simply loving and firm.
I know because our 4 yr old daughter did it too, she'd come in scared or something and we got lazy and stopped getting up to put her back. She'd climb in and then eventually, we couldn't get her to sleep in her own bed at all.
Most importantly, as hard as it may be, make your husband walk the boy back to bed when he gets up. Every time. Or you can do it, but the point is, you tuck him back in and he'll finally see that he is going to have to sleep in his own bed because getting up isn't doing any good. It's not mean, it's simply loving and firm.
I know because our 4 yr old daughter did it too, she'd come in scared or something and we got lazy and stopped getting up to put her back. She'd climb in and then eventually, we couldn't get her to sleep in her own bed at all.
Ribriane, you are in a different position from the OP, I believe.
In a situation with an intact family and no chaos, children should be expected to usually sleep in their own beds, as a matter of habit.
The original poster is in a blended family and the boy is only there for weekends (maybe everyother weekend, I couldn't tell) and he doesn't have any space in the house that is his, even the boy who lives there full time doesn't have a place.
Rules of thumb don't always work - looking at this boy's situation, from a divorced family visiting his dad in a house that doesn't have adequate space for everyone, and BOTH the dad and boy want to sleep together - that's a different issue.
In a situation with an intact family and no chaos, children should be expected to usually sleep in their own beds, as a matter of habit.
The original poster is in a blended family and the boy is only there for weekends (maybe everyother weekend, I couldn't tell) and he doesn't have any space in the house that is his, even the boy who lives there full time doesn't have a place.
Rules of thumb don't always work - looking at this boy's situation, from a divorced family visiting his dad in a house that doesn't have adequate space for everyone, and BOTH the dad and boy want to sleep together - that's a different issue.
Maybe it's ur dilivery ur a little harsh ur self and kind of rude at that. I apoligize im not a very good typer or speller but here I will take my time ur home is on a foundation correct and with out that foundation when it rains ur home will sink or slide down hill. So in comparrison if u do not put ur relationship first and show ur children who runs the house and makes the rules. Then u will have more arguments about the children and how to disipline them which causes more tension in ur home and if the children do not want u to be with one another like u said above. When they here u arguing about them they feel as if they have one by causing a rucus. This whole forum is about helping others and looking at things from a different view not to be SNIDE your self and snotty that is not fair if ur frustrated and can't understand it to act like that It doesn't feel good to treat others like that and it doesn't make them feel good either. Trust me my mom dated every man in the world and I was drug around sooo I know what it's like to be the child in the middle and trust me if I didn't like a guy he was out I threw a fit and stired up **** as that's what kid's do especially when they have no boundries set in the beginning because my mom treated me like her friend and it didn;t get her very far
Maybe it's ur dilivery ur a little harsh ur self and kind of rude at that. I apoligize im not a very good typer or speller but here I will take my time ur home is on a foundation correct and with out that foundation when it rains ur home will sink or slide down hill. So in comparrison if u do not put ur relationship first and show ur children who runs the house and makes the rules. Then u will have more arguments about the children and how to disipline them which causes more tension in ur home and if the children do not want u to be with one another like u said above. When they here u arguing about them they feel as if they have one by causing a rucus. This whole forum is about helping others and looking at things from a different view not to be SNIDE your self and snotty that is not fair if ur frustrated and can't understand it to act like that It doesn't feel good to treat others like that and it doesn't make them feel good either. Trust me my mom dated every man in the world and I was drug around sooo I know what it's like to be the child in the middle and trust me if I didn't like a guy he was out I threw a fit and stired up **** as that's what kid's do especially when they have no boundries set in the beginning because my mom treated me like her friend and it didn;t get her very far
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