Any thoughts

[John_W]

Hello all,
Going to make this quick and short. in 2004 I made the attempt to suicide. ( Will be graphic ) Broke up with a girl thought was my life. Put a .44 to my temple and pulled the trigger. The gun jammed. I took the bullet from that gun and Drove myself to the hospital and checked myself in. 2 Weeks I was there and they did NOTHING for me and I mean nothing. No therapy no nothing. They gave me Lexapro and Zyprexa. I gained 20 lbs. in 2 weeks HORRIBLE. Anyway stop taking both meds abotu 3 months later. Met another girl with a 8 month old Daughter. That I fell in love with. I am her "Daddy" acording to her she is now 4. Well long story getting short. On July 4th 2007 My Bio Father passed away and was creamated on July 5th by his Girlfriend. I was notified by his employer of his death on July 12th. So that was hard enough. We were never close. he was that every other weekend father for the first 2 years of my life then I saw him maybe a week a year cause my Stepfather(Dad) would take me on vacation to Florida to see him. 8/1/2007 lost my job. collecting unemployment I was still able to support my family. 9/20/2007 Got a speeding ticket 77 in a 35 ( Did not know it was 35) In Jersey its Mandatory loss of DL for 30 Days. 9/25/2007 found out that I am getting sued.Any way During my 31/2 year relationship we got engaged and had a beautiful son together. ( now 2 ) On 10/3/07 I sat there and watched her cheat on me. ( And I did nothing ) God knows I wanted but I didn't. Well long story she made me feel like **** saying that I don't see that she needs her space and that I should offer to take the kids more often. So I do. Well Juts to find out that she did that so she can meet up with the other guy. We got in a fight ( Verbal ) I said if you cant tell me the truth How can I trust you with my kids. ( BIG MISTAKE ) 48 hours later got served with a restraining order. Which was dropped if I agreed to  " Joint Legal Custody " and ever other weekend visits. But I dont get to see my little girl.....So needless to say I have every sign/sypm. of Suicide/Depression. Hopeless, Helpless, Hurt, Afraid, Sad, Empty ,Angry, loss of intrested, Anxiety, and Im lucky if I sleep for more than 2 hours a day. Well on 11/18/07 I was willing to end it. posted my poems on MYSPACE. Well one of my friends saw them and called the police. They came and took me to the hospital. Where they told me the next day I had 2 options 3 months in a ward, or Intense out patient. I went with the second one.  I know I need meds. I DO NOT want Zyprexa again. Any other thoughts suggestions? Oh If you would like to read my poems that I wrote you can view them on MYSPACE.COM/PIERCEDTONGUE   If you like them I would love a comment on them, Only thing keeping me sane right now. Thanks for your help.

John

[John_W]

WOW What a break thru today. I still realized that I am still stuck on her but not for the reason that I want to be with her. Did some reading today and found out that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Which explains everything. Dont get me wrong still upset and depressed. But atleast I know know. So some of the distress feelings have faded away. Like I said before you can KICK me when I am down, But don't you dare hurt my kids. But again I cant be that mad. She is not herslef right?  My nature has always been to put others first. That's how we even got together. she had the signs back then but I didnt even really know what they were. Any thoughts on how I can try to help her??? Is she's happy Im happy my kids happy Im even happier..

[John_W]

Man i feel like a failure as a father. I can't do this on my own.

[MARIEALICE35]

HI JOHN, FIRST I JUST HAVE TO SAY I FOUND YOU!  IT'S THE CRAZYEST THING I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT THERE.  SOMEONE WITH MORE BAD LUCK THAN ME.  YEAH I AM DAMNED WITH MAJOR DEPRESSION AS WELL. 10 YEARS RUNNING. THE ONLY THING I TRIED, AND BELIEVE ME I TRIED ALOT, THAT REALY WORKED WAS EFFEXOR XR
75MG FIRST WEEK
150 NEXT WEEK
225 NEXT WEEK
LIFE BACK NEXT WEEK
ONE THING, LIKE HE SAID, GROUP THERAPY IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD TO KEEP YOUR DAY TO DAY LIFE GOING. YOUR SELF-WORTH. CAUSE LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE ON THIS SITE WITH 90% OF THE SAME TROUBLES (FOR A LACK OF A BETTER WORD).  AND WHEN WE TALK TO EACH OTHER DO WE NOT FEEL SOME WHAT BETTER?  YEAH WE SURE DO.  GOD BLESS  JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE BAD LUCK THING

[Lizard102]

I know how you feel. I am so down, I am stressed overwhelmed, Don't know who to go to and what to say! I have turned to knives and don't feel the need to be here. I am constantly crying and nothing helps. I am ready to quit meds...and say that its the end. I don't know but I think I can handle anything and everything and then back I go. last time I was suicidal was 3 years ago, and once again I am back. I don't know what to do:'(  I have been dealing with this since a child due to being sexually abused by my dad and physically abused by mom. I have lived in a foster home since about the age of 6 and was abused in all home from that age. I do't know what to do..I am scared!!

[John_W]

Randi and Debby Thank you both so much

[Debby8]

Hello John,  I am very sorry to hear what you have been going through. Depression is one of the worst illnesses anyone can deal with. I have been dealing with it for the past 6 or 7 yrs.
I have been on several different medications and they all have helped for a short time. I am now taking Cymbalta 60mg. and feel that I will need an increase in my dosage.
The one thing that does help is talking with God and trying to stay in church.  When I am going through my bouts with depression, all I do is sit and stare out the window. I do not answer the phone, go out of the house, or even spend time with my husband and daughter.  I have thought about suicide but didn't attempt because of my children. My son lives out of state and has problems of his own, so I try to keep my kids in mind although it is very hard at times.
I will pray for you that you soon will be able to face each day without dark thoughts and will soon be able to spend time with your daughter.

[rattyrandi]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  No one can say, " I know how you feel" because it isn't the same for everyone.  I wish I could offer you some suggestions, but I don't know much about meds for depression.  All I can say is hang in there.  Some of us feel emotions so much more stongly than others.  Sometimes when I think my world is too painful, that my life is too hard I turn on CNN.  I hate CNN, but it brings me a strong dose of reality:  life could be so much worse.  I know, little consolation when you feel like your soul is dying and your heart might burst.  I've been there too.  Poetry and writing is such a great way to get the poison out of your heart and soul.  I'll check yours out.  This is a great place for support.  Keep me posted.  I'll pray for you.