Not sure...but need help.

[hpkatsn]

This is so difficult to put into words, I apologise if it's long.

I'm a 16 year old girl and for the past 2 years I've cried myself to sleep. I self-harmed up until the 3rd February 2013. This was triggered by my cousin dying. I knew the first 6 or so months were grief, however now I know it's not.

Like I said, every night I cry myself to sleep. I cry multiple times a day and get no good feeling out of crying, no reassurance or getting rid of bad feelings. Anything can trigger crying, but it can be random. I always feel numb inside and often feel like I'm having trouble breathing, like something is crushing me. I often feel like I'm really small and am surrounded. I get scared of what is going on in my head, like I have no control over my thoughts. Every morning I dont want to get out of bed. I just don't want to face another day of feeling like I do. I don't want to tell people because I feel like they'll think somethings wrong with me and they won't understand. I don't want to be diagnosed as mentally ill. I feel constantly as if something bad will happen.
I feel like I have a lump in my throat and a hole in my heart.

I really don't want to live like this.

[Bellatrix55]

Good luck and thank you. If you wanna talk some more, feel free to message me.

[hpkatsn]

Thank you so much. I feel like I don't want to be diagnosed as I don't want to be labelled with a mental illness. But your way of normalising it has actually made me feel as if it's not so bad.
I've decided to talk to my boyfriend about it today, I hope he'll understand.
Thank you for helping me

[Bellatrix55]

At this point I really think you need to see a doctor (I know it's hard to tell parents but I think you should tell them also). Understand that depression is usually a chemical issue that can be fixed. It really is a common issue, especially among teenagers due to hormonal imbalances and stuff. That said, just talking to people who care does help. You have to reach out to someone, please. It isn't your fault and I'm really sorry about your cousin. May I ask what your aversion to a diagnosis is? Depression is temporary and normal and if you do have it there is not reason to have a problem with the diagnosis. I'm 16 too and I get that life is stressful as hell and I know it doesn't seem like anyone would understand, but you're wrong. If you talk, someone will understand, even if it isn't your parents. Friends, teachers, guidance councillors, family, random internet people, someone. If you want to stop feeling this way, chances are you are going to have to reach out. People love you and want you to start to feel better, please do something.