getting more depressed by the day

[tarponbound]

The past year and a half have been the most stressful of my life.  In Jan of 2007 I had to put my parents in a nursing/assisted living facility.  I lived 2500 miles away and my husband suggested I bring them out here so it was be easier to monitor their care.  I did that in May of 2007.  Around that same time my husband was going through a mid life crisis or something (at this point I don't much care) and didn't give me any support.  He couldn't even be bothered to go visit my parents.  My mom passed away in December - my Dad and I were there with her - my husband home sick - when I got home he didn't even bother to put an arm around me to comfort me.  He is an alcoholic and has been drinking more and more - comes and goes as he pleases - foul attitude etc.  In March of this year I lost my job after 18 years with the company - they phased out my position.  My dad has parkinsons, renal failure, and since my mom died has been depressed.  My home life is hell but my dad has no idea - although I think he can sense something is amiss since my husband never goes with me to visit (I make sure I go at least once a week) - My adult children live out of state and my plan is that I will move there after my Dad passes.  I don't want to go thru a divorce at this time because I feel like I have enough on my plate -  so I am just taking it day to day.  My son and daughter-in-law with their 10 month old came out here last week.  My dad got to see his Great Grandson for the first and probably only time.  When my mom died I cried but then I just straighten up and got strong.  But lately it seems like I just cry at anything - I stay very positive in front of my dad - but it seems like I am having a hard time dealing with everything.  This past week I agreed to putting my dad on hospice and that scares because in order to "qualify" the experts have to diagnose as having 6 months or less of life.  
I am sorry for rambling - just need to get so much out.  I want to move to be near my son, but I don't want my dad to die - and it all pends on that.  
I am on a very low dose of an antidepressent - which which my dr put me on last year to help me sleep - i was so stressed that I was only able to get 2 hours of sleep a night - now at least I can sleep a full night.  
I just hate crying so much -

[Steve1906]

I have to say I agree with Dave; I'm so sorry your feeling so down and so many negative things are happening all at once to you. You need to stay strong for your family and ask your doctor to up the Meds if you think that will help-it sounds like you should. I lost my mon when she was 62 15 years ago and my dad at 79 2 years ago. My mom needed everyday care for about 6 months and I take care of my dad everyday for over 2 years so I know how your feeling. When one is very close to there parents we never really get over it but we need to stay strong for the ones left behind. Its one thing being an alcoholic but its another thing being an total *******. With everything you and your family are going through your husband should have and should 101% there for you!!! Get through the next couple of months and then take care of yourself and your family and don't forget to smile everyday and do something nice for yourself!!!    You sound like a really good person and you need to find someone as good as you.

Take care and keep the notes coming - OKAY  :) :) :)

husband home sick - when I got home he didn't even bother to put an arm around me to comfort me.  He is an alcoholic

[tarponbound]

Thanks for the support.  I know my dad is going to die - just like I am going to die and so on.  It's just so hard.  And because my plan is to get a divorce and move once it happens I feel as if I am wishing it on him - although that is not the case.  My husband is a waste of life - but I am actually lucky this weekend - he must have gone somewhere for the weekend cause his overnite bag is gone -  maybe he just won't come back -
As for the boyfriend - I am too needy myself right now to have another needy soul -  I actually have a male friend in another state that has offered his home to me should I find the need to get away for awhile where I won't be found.  He has been there for me for 20 years or so - we probably should have hooked up back then but circumstances were not right.  But we both say shoulda, woulda, coulda - easy looking back.  
I think the final straw that made me start crying was when my Dad said good bye to my son, daughter-in-law and baby - my Dad cried and I am never seen my dad cry in all my 59 years.  With that I have now broken into tears once again -  

[el_dave]

You have a situational depression, same as I. Listen, your Dad is going to die. You don't want him to, but he will. Mine did. It's not your doing, it's part of life. Let it happen and be happy for him, because he'll be past this vale of tears. Be sure he knows he'll live on in memory and it'll be all right.

You need a good boyfriend, that's what you need. Not necessarily sexual, but fidelity, like respect, should be earned. Emotionally your ol' man isn't taking care of you, find another needy soul who will. I apologize if that offends anyone, but I think it's a better solution than drugging ones self, light or not.

And you feel free to ramble all you want to, we're here for that, we want to share your pain and maybe put our two cents in with a suggestion or idea. The more you ramble, the more data folks have to perhaps get an idea of how they might help. And in here, by helping others one helps theirself.

If you were in North Florida I'd go get you and take you for a long ride on my bike in the sunshine and rain. That's what I think you need... if you find your equivalent and do it it would be good for you.

-El Dave