'Dead' ex-husband is returning

[kacy4912]

40 years ago, I married quite young.  During the 5 year marriage, I had 2 children and a husband who was rarely home.  He didn't work, he took the welfare checks and foodstamps and would disappear for days at a time.   We were constantly moving, and he didn't seem to care if the babies had enough to eat, let alone me.   I know he cheated on me and was doing drugs.  He'd beat me if I got too witchy with him.   I finally left him and divorced him.   Flash forward 20 years - a friend of a friend of his told me and my son that he had died.  Flash forward another 18 years.  My 'dead' ex is befriending me and my two children on Facebook.   I had nightmares for 3 weeks before I sent him an email about how I felt about our time together.  We've talked a lot since then and are getting along well.   He seems to have grown up and simply wants to get to know his children and grandchildren.  Suddenly, he tells me he's on a bus headed our way.  He can't wait to see me and the kids. (the 'kids' are now in middle to late 30's)   I'm quite confused about this.  I think he's expecting to stay with me, as I live alone and the children have families.  I'm not sure how to stand up to him if it comes to that.  Have a few phonecalls made me trust him again?  He's virtually a stranger.   Meanwhile, my soul-mate is in a nursing home.   I phone him every few days and now he's afraid that I'll end up telling him that I can't bother with him anymore.  I'm trying to be honest with him, but I'm hurting him and myself.  He and I cannot be together anymore.  I'm pretty much a wreck right now.  I don't know what I'm thinking.   My ex has hinted in our phone conversations that maybe he's coming back to get to know me again, too.  I'm so confused about where I need to be and what I need to do now!

[kacy4912]

Thank you so much for reading my dilemma and taking the time to give me your opinions.  Dead ex has met his daughter and youngest granddaughter and it went well.   Daughter is willing to give him a chance.   Dead ex has grown up a lot and has turned out to be a very nice man, although there is nothing romantic at all between us.   We have turned out to be friends, and that is a good thing.   Son is coming today to stay for Christmas.   Once again, me putting my children first and facing my fears appears to have been the right move.

happy and safe holidays to all of you!

Kacy

[opus88]

yes take it very slow, you two still have alot of memories and children in common...however  leopards don't loose their spots(isn't that the saying?)
he needs to stay in a hotel at least until 'you' see what he's like and what you both want out of this relationship..

I'm in a smiliar situation here. married 43 yrs. separated the past 3, but ex-DH is almost nursing home material....having a very hard time making it on his own. he comes home every 3-4months for a week or so, now he's here for the full month of Dec. its the ONLY way he can see his kids and grandkids......we are just friends. he really needs to be back here permanently, however we get along when living apart, so best to leave as is at least for now.
Every relationship is so different and as complicated as we are human.
Kacy, you sound to me like you are lonely too......otherwise why would you have restarted with any correspondence even on FB? I think you need him and want to trust him? but thats just IMO....best of luck in whatever you decide...♥

[mammo]

I totally agree with the above posts!  This ex ruined your life once and could do it again.  He may want something because he may have burned all his bridges, but it's not your problem.  You've found happiness, this man doesn't deserve to be a part of your life.  It's pretty arrogant of him to even think he could just walk back into your life, he appears very sure of you and that you would be accepting to him......not a good thing.  Stand your ground, history tends to repeat itself.  

[remar]

Wow, that's some story. Here you thought your ex had passed away. You probably dealt with that and moved on. Now he wants to be back in you and your childrens lives. Maybe he has changed and maybe he has'nt. Is he talking about staying for a long time? If I were you I would keep my guard up with the ex. Maybe you should tell him to stay in a hotel when he comes to visit. You say that you have a soul mate. He sounds like he really cares about you and he also sounds like the man you should stay with. I totally agree with everything the above poster wrote. Stay strong for yourself, your children and your soul mate.  

[Hopeless29]

Hi,Its a time to be genuine to the ones who really cared for u and was with u during ur hard times and not the moment recollect ur fond memories which shortlived and lead it to upsets. If ur dead husband returns its a happy news that he is still alive but that doesnt mean he has to be part of u again.U must be prepared to recieve him as a friend or a well wisher after all its been ages since he left and i guess there is no place for sentiments here except one or two moments(if u r made to remember or recollect by him when he visits u and u must or could cherish those glorious past but not get carried away, and must keep in ur mind that its someone(as u mentioned ur soulmate) who has been with u all these years and not the one who used u as a child bearing machine!

there could be sentiments if u r meeting but make sure u do justice to the present relationships who values u,its bit hard though, but no other go,bite ur teeth and let go off the sentiments and wish him goodluck and allow him to be ur wellwisher, so that he could take part in occasions at home but not stay or frequent.
It all depends on how u make up ur mind. so keep tellin urself that u not gonna fall for stupid sentiments and stay wise & prove ur children that u r a strong woman.
Good luck!