Depressed, alone, confused and ready to die

[Smalltowngirlinabigworld]

Hi I am a 14 yr old who has been suffering from major depression for two years.. I have been out of my residential treatment center for a little over a year now. In October I got in trouble for having sex with a senior... He was 17... He made me feel amazing and loved. I can't stop thinking about him and I see him in the halls all the time.. I swear he looks at me like he misses me! I love him but I can't tell him because my mom called the cops and they told him not to talk to me... My mom tried to say it was date rape but no believes me when I say I wanted too... I'm afraid of my mom... An I have no one to tell this because I severe trust issues.... I miss him and I swear he misses me too.. He is all I think about all day everyday.. Not being able to have anything to do with him anymore and thinking about and missing him so much is killing me.... I don't wanna get up in the morning I only wanna sleep and when I'm up I think about cutting and burning myself again....!how do you fix something like this? My life isn't worth this... I just want it to end but at the same time a close friend committed suicide a few months ago and it hurt everybody.... How do I prevent that when I really don't care about anything anymore.... What do I do about all this? :(

[nirvana1234]

Listen to nursegirl.. :)

[nursegirl6572]

You definitely need to stick with the therapy to help you deal with everything you're going through.  

I think we've all been where you are with a boy...that intense, almost obsessive "love" feeling.  He may be fond of you, and even "miss" you, but it's not a healthy situation to pursue, hon.  For starters, he really could get into a a lot of trouble, and your parents were only trying to protect you, so don't be too hard on them.  It's just not reasonable to pursue him.  I know that isn't what you want to hear, but someday you'll understand.  There are too many boys out there to get stuck on just one.  

Most likely, having a sexual experience when you were so young has confused you...made you have these feelings that are hard to process.  That often happens to girls who enter into sexual relationships before they are really emotionally ready to deal with all the stuff that comes with them.

As a Mom of a 14 yr old myself, I couldn't imagine what I'd do to hear my daughter had sex with someone that much older, I would most certainly do everything I could to protect her, as what he did could easily be seen as predatory.  I also would be devastated to hear if she was hurting herself, or felt like her life had no meaning, when the reality is...there is an entire life of possibilities ahead of her.  

Please realize that you cannot pursue and be in a healthy relationship with ANY boy until you start working on being okay with yourself.  You have to love yourself before you can properly love someone else.

Can you find some new hobbies, or new friends to hang out with?  Surround yourself with positive people who have similar interests.  Keep trying in therapy...try to open up about how you feel, and PLEASE turn to your Mom for support too.  She wants to help you...and she may not always do everything right, but trust me, she would do anything to help you, and protect you.

You may be interested in our Teen Depression forum:
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Teen-Depression/show/185

Please update us when you can...you'll be okay hon...you just have to try a little...try to move on from the boy, try to find pleasurable things in life, and try to work hard to get this depressin managed with a professional.  You CAN do it!

[rosey3216]

Wow sweetie. Sounds like you got a lot on your plate. :( I have gone through similar issues, I am 18 btw.. my experience has been that although counseling is scary at first, it gets easier with each visit and is actually helpful.. it helps to get everything off your chest, otherwise you bottle it up and that's usually when the self-harm comes into play.. a therapist is legally not allowed to tell anyone (not even parents) about anything that you talk about, unless you or someone else is in harm's way. I think it would help you, really. Best of luck to you hun and if you need to talk to someone you can always message me.