Depression at the wrong time

[ktirl]

I have depression but I really need to get myself back to normal as I am in a real decision making phase, of should I stay or should I go.

Background: I have been aware of having depression since about last November.  I was put on Lexapro 10mg and I came out of it last Feb/March when I decided to move to London from Ireland where the bad job's market and my general life was getting me down.

Now: I have been in London now since May. I found it difficult to get work, and settled on a low paid job with commission in a start up type business. This is the longest I've been away from home, with the stress of living with a friend, dealing with bills, and just have two friends (a couple) here. I ran out of meds here (not good - and I have been drinking and experimented with a puff or two of weed and tried some coke - EVEN WORSE, I know - not to be repeated)

I got a new prescription  - whereby I had a bad two weeks. I went back to the doctor who put me on 50mg of Zoloft and referred me for counselling which I have been to twice. I have been really really down (I've never lived away from home for this long - and I've been quite babied up until now with a lot of my decisions made for me by my family etc) As stress has been mounting with:
No real structure in work, stressed out in a new role, feeling inept
No social outlets/lonliness
No energy
Inability to get out of bed
Financial stress and worry
Stressed about the amount I've leaned on my flatmate

Two nights ago after a really bad stressed out episode I went to my friend's house who recommended that I should go home.... to which I agreed, even though I view it as complete failure. Our 6 month lease is up and I don't feel secure in my job, feel indecisive, lethargic and have had two breakdowns in front of my boss telling him how bad I am at my job. (Which is a difficult enough job  which has been magnified by my social anxiety, inability to do my job, and poor concentration and motiviation in general.)

So, I handed my notice in two days ago with the decision to go home - but now I feel like I am making a decision that I may regret once this depression has lifted AND if I return to Ireland - I'll be SO disappointed in myself and be back to square one again - i.e
Living with my parents
No job
Financial pressure
Depression
etc etc ..... and I can't face looking for another job etc...Sorry this is a complete rant but I've always been a girl of many words.

I'd be delighted of any advice from strangers that don't know me - as I just feel like I need to hear it from someone who doesn't know me.

[ktirl]

Hey, thanks for your words - I am back to feeling that I want to go home. Things have  changed again in work with my boss handing in his notice, I bought into his ideas and I had thought I am strong enough to stay but you are right - its potentially going to get worse here and I do need structure and support. I WANT to stay but I don't have the motivation or the energy or the finances to stand on my own two feet - on my own.   I saw my counsellor this morning who thinks that I never emotionally separated from my family and we talked about the amount of pressure I put on myself and the importance of success to me. Yes, this has been real life experience but I am so tired of feeling, alone, isolated and unable to look after myself - at 29! I know that I am hard on myself, its just that London was meant to be so much things for me - career, social life, love life, etc and I couldn't even manage to get a job that would allow me the foundations from where to start.

This is coupled with the fact that financially I am crippled trying to live on less than £100 a week, whilst paying over £700 on rent and bills.

Time is ticking and my motivation hasn't changed, whilst the stress is mounting again; mostly all on work and how its really affected my confidence, Angela thanks again, for your kind words - I just wish that I didn't have depression so that I felt stronger to fight (and not keep changing my mind) my challenges instead of letting them beat me - I also am trying to be thankful that by going home I might recharge and be able to start again - but this is frightening and depressing - as I just feel so unsuccessful and beaten by it all.

[Poo44clooner]

I was reading your post and I totally agree you NEED to be with your family. Go home as soon as possible.  You will not regret this decision.  You are falling apart and if you stay where you are, with all the stresses of being on your own for the first time, financial problems, etc., it is too much for a young lady like you.  You can still move out when you are a bit older, when you are more solid in your education or land a better job that you feel confident in but without a solid foundation of emotional well being, you will only get worse.  You need to get better, to be nurtured by your family and friends, and get help from a doctor or therapist, and slowly when you get better, when that foundation of emotional well being is solid and without any cracks, you can stand on your own two feet and be confident in what you do and who you are.  You are still very young, don't be so hard on yourself.  You have to learn when to fold the cards in,  this is not the end of your life, but just a very rough spot, perhaps even a learning life experience under your belt that you can share with others in the future to help them.  Go to your family and  take care of yourself.
You will be alright.
Angela

[ktirl]

Thank you both for your kind words. I really appreciate your opinions. Nexus you are right- it has begun to lift and as a result I am feeling stronger and not so afraid of the big decisions that await me. I have told my boss that I want to stay and I am calling home tomorrow to tell them the same. I realise that I have lived a sheltered enough life and that I don't deal with stress well. London makes me feel liberated and  I have had a load of stress at once. Going home to Ireland worries me more as I see it as 'going backwards'. If anyone needs similar advice or a shoulder I'd happily reply or PM me.  If anyone is based in London too even better! Much love to those dealing with the 'd' - remember that it's not you - it's repetitive negative thoughts and do whatever you can (small steps) to help yourself (mine is meds and counselling and being active in any way possible - break the negative cycle) and good luck -

[Anneinside]

If you go home, couldn't you look for a job there? Then you could move out on your own again but be close to family.

[nexus788]

You can get through this. Look at what you've achieved so far. Anything is possible just take every day and every hour as it comes. You're depression will lift just hang in there. PM me if you want.