Do i have depression?

[Alex5286]

For the past 4-5 years I've developed a sort of 'to my-self' attitude. I'm almost 20 years old and i first started feeling like this when my uncle posted a video all over the internet of me acting like mr.bean back when i was around 15. He then proceeded to post 2 more videos which brought upon a huge bullying episode for the rest of my schooling life (2-3 years). This i think, is what initiated my physical and mental behavior to change. Year 10 was the worst (16 yrs old) and i contemplated suicide countless times, almost rode my bike straight into the highway but bitched out at the last minute. Girls wouldn't talk to me because their reputation would of gotten tarnished from speaking to the 'mr.bean boy', understandably and guys just made fun of me. I did have a few 'friends' but no real ones, if you get what i mean.. By the last year of school i studied/read and motivated myself from videos on the internet (e.g: signing up and watching everything SimplePickup did) and got through the year better than the others but was still pretty bad, especially after when i received my finals results. The year after school ended i attended Uni and it was okay i guess. I tried to encourage and motivate myself like in year 12 but it didn't work at all. By semester 2 i was back to my earlier school days and even worse. I don't like talking to people (it's exhausting), i don't like anything, i don't like people in general, i hate leaving the house unless it's for gym (been going for a while). I'm not 'shy' talking to girls but i just have no interest in anything.

Now days all i do is watch movies, tv shows and play counter strike, it seems that this is the only relief i can receive from society and from actually 'living' as i'm meant to. I still go clubbing once every few months with friends but i despise it, i just stand there... i don't go to gatherings, hardly go out when there's group events etc. I'd rather stay home and do nothing than go out and party :/

I know i shouldn't feel like this because i don't even like staying home, my life just seems pointless, if i died right now i would not give a single ****, it would actually be less exhausting than going through every meaningless day. I don't have suicidal thoughts now because i guess I've matured a bit and know how many people it would affect if i selfishly proceeded in the act, but i'd like to just die without leaving an impact on anyone else, especially family which is not possible.. if you get what i mean.

I go to gym 2-5 times a week, i can't really gain anymore kilos because i eat like once a day... so there's really no point of going to gym but i do anyway... I used to eat crazy amounts a few years ago but simply one sandwich at lunch makes me really full now. I'm 80kg at the moment but don't do cardio, mainly just bodybuilding. I don't have a part time/ casual job and never had one and don't do sports but always liked boxing (from movies). I make my money online selling things on eBay (make more than most my friends who actually have a job) and trading currencies like bitcoin, forex etc.

I am also extremely self conscious and have spent hundreds on cosmetic surgery during the months trying to get rid of moles and **** on my face but they just keep coming back. I'm now booked in for a 'special' plastic surgeon next month which will cost around a thousand to get some moles removed for good. I personally think this will make me feel better as one of the reasons why i despise going out in public is because of my facial appearance. I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking wtf when they see me.. Removal of moles will also remove any resemblance to me and mr.bean. Yeah you'd probably laugh at that but if you were called 'bean' for 4 years straight and bullied about it (photo shopped (cyber bullying), name calling, fking everything) then you'd just want to get rid of every trace of it.

I have a pigeon chest which means half my chest sticks outs noticeably way more than the other (people usually say wtf is wrong with your chest when i'm at the beach). Doctor said nothing they can do. But ehh, i say i don't care about myself but in reality i know deep down that i really do. That's why i'm getting moles removed etc.
I know this story of my life may sound very wimpy and i know many people have much more problems and are going through much worse things and experiences than me but i guess i'd like to simply ask for some advise. Maybe i should see a doctor, psychiatrist, get on some tablets, get a casual job? I don't know.. i'm just living the same **** day over and over...

[Paxiled]

I'd say you need a psychologist to talk this through with someone who can guide you.  A lot of people aren't very social and are happy, others are isolated because they're avoiding.  Don't know which it is with you.  As for your body shape, you might just be amplifying your chest because you're overworking it with weights, neglecting other parts of your body, and if you're going to lift weights and not end up with injuries you'd better learn to eat.  Without sufficient antioxidants and protein you're going to be in trouble eventually if you keep working out hard and eating nothing.  But going to the gym isn't just for losing weight -- it's for the exercise, the movement.  You gotta move, and you like lifting weights.  No cardio isn't the greatest balance, but any movement is good -- working out is a formal way to do it, but just walking to and from where you're going is enough in most of the world.  I think you go to the gym because you enjoy it.  But you do need to talk to a therapist, I think, to learn why you're so indifferent and without passion.  Couldn't hurt.

[jsycz]

I'd say you have moderate to severe depression based on your rapid deterioration, and perhaps some anxiety as well. I would make an appointment with a Psychiatrist (MD) who can initiate medicine, do some genetic testing, and maybe start you in Intensive OutPatient Therapy. It was probably the most helpful for me and definitely people around my age. That way, you get all of the factors necessary to get past this as best as you can. Pharmacologically, you should get genetic tests to see which medicines will work better for you. Antidepressants work through different pathways and depending on the way they break down will determine if you will have side-effects or not.

As for the bullies, they can just sit by and have a popsicle because while they are sucking on that popsicle, you are getting better, and will be better then them when things stabilize.

[Paxiled]

As for the above post, there are no genetic tests that can tell you what medication to take or if you should take medication.  Nor should anyone's first step in the process be to see a psychiatrist and take difficult meds before you try other methods first any more than you should do surgery for a pain in your arm before seeing if something less invasive will do the trick.  First you need a diagnosis by a professional, not someone on an internet site.  I have no idea where the above post gets the idea that genetics determine what side effects you'll get from medication -- this is a very individual thing.  There are liver enzymes that can help determine if you can properly absorb certain medications, but in the end it's still going to be trial and error if you decide you need medication, but most people don't.  

[Gemfly]

I'm sorry you've been bullied. ❤️

The longer you stay to yourself and keep the stupidity of other's actions/words inside your head, the longer you will suffer. I know it's easier said then done, but you have to break the cycle. Things are tough in high school, it gets better. Worrying about what others think keeps you down. We are all different, that's what makes us special.

You need to get out. Appreciate the simple things. If you need to talk to a counselor, do it.

Find something you like to do. Walk, workout, exercise raises endorphins and makes you feel better.

Not everyone likes to go to clubs or party. It's ok to go more low key.