Grew up fatherless and feel like something is missing...

[Nyasha007]

I am a young girl in my early twenties and I've grown up with my father from since birth. My parents got divorced shortly after I was born. Our relationship is about almost non-existant because he lived in another country and also got remarried and has two other children. I have seen him about five times in my entire life and probably speak to him on the phone about five times a year if that much. I don't love him but i don't hate him. I jus feel nothing towards him because we don't really have a relationship. He is not a man of much words, he never said ' I love you' or 'I miss you' or ' I wish things were different'. I feel like something is missing in my life. My actual problem is that I feel as though I can't form an intimate relationship with a man, like there is a gap when it comes to loving someone. I have had only one relationship which lasted only 2 months in high school. I have had the opportunity for other relationships but it's like i can't do it. I dont fear rejection but i fear hurting the other person because I have never been showed and have never expressed love by my father. I'm tired of being called heartless and emotionless by guys. I wonder if growing up without my father and not having much of a relationship with him has caused me to feel like and act like this ?

[Nyasha007]

Hey hope all is well with you. Well seeing my father was quite an awkward situation as usual as I had to see his kids and his wife. I really didnt want to be there but my mother forced me to call him so i could have seen him duration my vacation. I was quiet most of the times, he was the one who tried to start any conversations because honestly Im just fed up and done with him  acting like everything is alrite in general. If i never hear him from him again I would be totally fine with that but it just burns me inside that never adresses and apologizes for the past. He just acts like everything is all nice and sweet.

[Nyasha007]

Sorry for the very late reply, been extremely busy at school since it was my last semester. I thank you for sharing your experience with me and I do agree it is best to adress the situation sooner rather than later. It's just that I dont know how to go about looking for a therapist and Im moving back home with my mother too since im done with college so I don't know how I will seek therapy without my mother knowing. We don't really talk about my father, the subject is just dormant and she never asked me how I feel about him or anything of the sort. My mother and I are not really close in that kind of emotional aspect of my life. She knows about all my problems relating to school and that is it, no problems relating to my actual personal life. Sometimes I really end up feeling lonely like I have to no one to talk to and address these personal issues especially since Im the only child and I don't don't have have like a boyfriend.  There is this one guy I've liked a year now and I do really care about him now. He is actually the first guy I've cared about and been emotionally attached to. I know it's a first for me feeling this way but the whole situation between us just tears me up inside at times. He was the one who started talking to me and showing interest in me and I guess after a while he jus grew on me and so we started dating for a couple months and then when I brought up the subject about being in a relationship he said he didnt want one since I was soon leaving college and the relationship would end up being a long distance one however after that we still talked and hung out and he says he still likes and cares about me. Sometimes he acts like he doesnt even care about me and I just don't get it, I just really wished I had never put myself in this situation because I think sometimes I end up looking to him for that male attention that i've missed out on over the years with regards of not growing up with my father and I end up getting hurt sometimes. At the end of the day I cant be mad at him because we're not in are relationship and he is not obligated to make me feel happy or be there for me at all times but the whole situation makes me feel so lonely at the end of the day that I don't have that kinda male figure in my life that cares about me unconditionally and that I feel like I will never find a guy that will understand me and care about me.

[AnonymousCO]

I'm 31 years old now and all you've mentioned is all too familiar with me life on how I felt in my early 20s.  I'm married now and wished that I did talk through my feelings with a therapist in your age.  Been married since 08' but been with my husband since Jan. 05'.  And due to me not addressing the issues that have affected my life growing up without having a consistent father-figure to tell me that 'he loves me', etc., etc., etc.  I'm now married to a man that's very much like my Dad.  Nursegirl6572 said it well.  I've realized that I'm living a life that my mother once lived.  My father didn't stand-by and protect my mom, but rather put his side of the family first at all times.  My mother was dispised by my father's side of the family and lived many years being ill-treated by them.  As if that was bad enough, my brother and I have had many disheartening chances to witness their discusting behavior towards my mom, while my father did absolutely nothing.  Now I'm in that boat and been told by my husband that he will not choose me or anyone over his family.  Yet, I often stood in front of him as his supposed wife.
So please do start NOW in seeking therapy on the effects of not having your father most if not all your life.  It's not going to be easy, but do express how it's effected you in the past growing up, how you feel now about the matter and any concerns you have for your future.  
I'm just waiting to get employment as a New Grad Nurse to have some insurance coverage to explore on the matter with my own life and perhaps explore my options with my own marriage as well.  If you have the luxury on seeking reputable counseling/therapy, do so now.  Don't wait until you're in my position or worse, married with children to watch you the way you watched your own mother with your father.  I pray for girls/women in our shoes and wish that this specific matter of growing up fatherless or having not much of a father-figure in fathers who are in our lives be addressed in our communities (i.e., schools, churches, etc.).    

[nursegirl6572]

How was it seeing your father?  Did it cause you any added stress or anxiety?  You sound like a smart cookie, it's a shame your Dad didn't do right by you, but at least you're wise enough to recognize that has NOTHING to do with you.

Hope you had a nice visit with your cousins!  Thanks for checking in, it's so nice when we get updates, we really appreciate it!  Keep in touch!

[Nyasha007]

Sry for the long wait for a reply, I was out of the country for a couple of weeks. I went to visit some cousins of mine. My father actually lives in the same state as they do so I saw him. I only called him because my mother forced me to because as i said i really don't have any feelings towards him. I didn't bring up any of my feelings or anything like that because I jus don't know how to. Anyways hope all is well with you.

[nursegirl6572]

I have stopped setting up myself for disappointment when it comes to him. .

Sounds great...it's super that you've recognized that HE is the problem, not you.

I do think therapy would be very beneficial to you...to work through all of those emotions, and hurt, and disappointment you've felt all these years.

We're always here to listen...please let us know how you're doing.  We really do care.

[Nyasha007]

Thank you so much for ur advice and thank you so much for listening. Sometimes we all just need someone to talk to. Yes, I do agree at the fact that I need to se a therapist but not sure when I will be able to. When it comes to to expressing myself to my father, I did once telling him how I had felt but he responded saying that he was disappointed that I would say such things and when I do ask him questions about the past, he just ignores them. It was all done by email. I have stopped setting up myself for disappointment when it comes to him.

[nursegirl6572]

Hello and welcome!

" I wonder if growing up without my father and not having much of a relationship with him has caused me to feel like and act like this ? ."

Of course dear!  You missed out on the fundamental father-daughter bond, and missed having a positive male role model in your life.  Not having a male role model results in a few things happening to some people.  For one, you develop an impression about the male population...lumping them all together...for instance, you may think that all men are going to act like your Dad.  Another thing that happens is you lack the ability to know how to relate to men, and form solid and lasting relationships with them...as friends, lovers, partners, whatever.  It's actually very insightful that you've made this connection between your lack of a relationship with men to your non existant Dad.

I think a few things would benefit you.  I think you need to explore your feelings about how your dad acted, and be very honest with yourself about the extent of the "damage" it caused in your life.  You can do this with a therapist.  They are great at guiding you in the exploration process.  

Then, most likely, it would be cathartic for you to tell your Dad exactly how you feel...tell him what his actions and being absent did to you...how it made you feel, and how it is affecting you to this day.  A therapist would be able to help you express to your Dad what kinds of things you need to get off your chest.  You need some closure with your Dad.  I think, as an adult, you realize you missed the boat on having that cherished father-daughter relationship...but there is probably still that little girl inside of you waiting for it to happen...so you continually are left feeling disappointed.

Please, seek out a therapist.  Tell him/her what you've shared with us here.  I think it will do you a world of good.  You're young.  You'll work through this and end up finding someone to love.  I think if you address these issues with a therapist NOW, you'll be better equipped to pick a guy who is going to treat you like you deserve to be treated...who will be a true Dad to your children.  It would be bad to just sweep this under the rug, and end up getting stuck in a relationship with a guy just like your Dad.  That happens all the time...history has a way of repeating itself, anf that's not a part of history you want in your future.

Very best of luck to you...let us know how you're doing!