Aa
I don't know who to talk to...
Here's my long story... Well, I was in college before I met my husband. Through college, I met many people and found out that there are no fairy tales... Once I met my husband, I was fulfilled. We became engaged, married, and now I'm no longer in school, and trying to go back. Right now, I'm sexually frustrated. Since being married, he has had a lack of sexual interest. I have never been with anyone but my husband, and he has been with 7 people, one being a one night stand. One of the women he has been with may have a child with him, but she decided to raise the child as her own seeing as she cheated with my husband on hers (he wasn't married to me when it happened, actually it was a few years before he met me). I'm almost sickened by his promiscuity, but at the same time, I have to rememeber that he was engaged 4 times before me and he's 5 years older than me, giving him more time to be in the "real world". I'm a traditional girl, so I waited until I was married. 3 of those have decided that they were gay, and didn't blame him. I'm so sad about that fact... and I admit that I've gained a bit of weight because he hasn't wanted to touch me. Since we've been married (dec of last year), I can count on my ten fingers how many times we've been intimate. I've talked to him about the matter, because I find it important to be intimate with your spouse... it's more than sex, it's an emotional connection, albeit, I understand that sometimes it really is all about sex, I'm not naive. He says that he's also gained weight, and it has curbed his appetite for the activities. I understand this, but right now we've been celibate for over 3 months, and I know that I have looked for personal pleasure in place of his touch, I can't imagine that he hasn't as well. I'm starting to drink while he's not home, and in my family, alcoholism is rampant. I don't want to drink, it's just a wonderful feeling where I don't (pardon my french) give a s^it. I was raised to be independent, not needing a man, seeing as my mother's relationship with my father wasn't the greatest, and I long for that love. I wouldn't ever dream of being unfaithful, it's not in me, marriage is forever. I just wish that he could push to show me he loves me. It's really not about the sex, it's about the compassion, just cuddling makes me feel more comfortable. I've started to hate movies other than horror or gore, just because every other movie has sex in it. Do I really need to see it to know it's happening? I feel it stems from my feelings thus far. I just need some help. I know that we should share our problems, but I don't want to burden him with everything when I feel something isn't going right. If you need more info, I will provide. Really I just need an impartial judge to help me through this, seeing as I cannot afford a counselor... anything helpful will be appreciated... Love, Karelise
You just wrote the story of my life. To the tee. I have been married since november and it seems like for the past few months (iv lived with him for over a year), we hardly ever have sex, and iv told him i want more romance and intimacy but honestly i dont think he wants to hear it... everytime im in the mood, he says its not the right time... the right time? wow. I didnt know there was a right time to do it. All of this has gotten me thinking lately about how angry i am at him for this. Its causing me to feel depressed all the time, and all i want to do is eat.
My mother was married for 36 years to a man who was, to all outward appearances, a great guy. He was loving, affectionate...except in the bedroom. They had sex maybe once a year and then it was hurry up and done. If you truly love your husband, you need to resign yourself to a life of near celibacy...he clearly does not have a high sex drive. If you can live with that, I suggest you do so. If you can't...only you can decide if a sexless marriage is acceptable to you.
I detest when people have side convo's in answers, but I think this is important. I cant say what she might feel for her, but if it were me I would feel attacked and offended by the tone and content of your post. In these forums people ask for help, not insults, I would imagine you may see it as tough love, but I dont think it comes off as such.
When people (including me) write about their partner in sadness or anger (or both) they often seem to be "bashing" and for obvious reasons; space and relevance. But no body is all bad or good and relationships are complicated. If someone rants and is shown a reflection of that it would be only natural to want to clarify the fact there is so much love, not just this one issue in the relationship. No one wants to hear others bash the one they love either, its hard to hear and often irrelevant due to the fact that we dont know much at all about them so our ability to give specific ideas or opinions is nonexistent. Just being able to relate to someone on the board would be nice, no need to be told what to do by a stranger.
When people (including me) write about their partner in sadness or anger (or both) they often seem to be "bashing" and for obvious reasons; space and relevance. But no body is all bad or good and relationships are complicated. If someone rants and is shown a reflection of that it would be only natural to want to clarify the fact there is so much love, not just this one issue in the relationship. No one wants to hear others bash the one they love either, its hard to hear and often irrelevant due to the fact that we dont know much at all about them so our ability to give specific ideas or opinions is nonexistent. Just being able to relate to someone on the board would be nice, no need to be told what to do by a stranger.
Im so sorry to hear how sad you are, I know how it feels to not want to burden your loved one with your own problems. I had so many issues recently, one major one being with him(my boyfriend of 5 years), but eventually he saw through me and he insisted that he wants to be here for me. Since then I have felt like Im not alone anymore, and we have begun to work out what was bothering us (not as big of a deal as it had seemed). I know its not necesarily going to work out that way for your relationship, but maybe one option is talking to him about all of this. (slowly and gently of course). I guess it depends, if he was feeling this badly about something would you feel burdened if he came to you? If you love someone I think you will want to be there for them, but thats only my perspective.
Ha, and I thought the people on here were out to help others, like you said, you don't know me and my relationship full out, just the negatives. thanks for the attempt. and yes, shame on me for admitting my faults and opening myself up for such wicked comments. I appreciate them, good or not. good luck with your live in boyfriend, that's not marriage, and I see now why you think it's ok to just dump my husband after it starts to go badly. You obviously know more than I do about relationships and how to make them last.
Thank you for your comments, I will take them for what they are. However, I know he loves me. Like I said previously, it's not a lack of affection, it's a lack of sex. We both have gained some weight, and I don't assume that it's because of my cooking. I've always had a thing with my self esteem, and I know that he hasn't, but with all the things I've been through, I know that this will last for a lifetime. People put too much emphasis on getting married, and if it's not right, they leave. It's so easy anymore. People are weak, get married, find out that you don't know the person, get divorced... it's sad really, marriage is not rainbows and sunshine all the time, sometimes there are storms and ice, but you get past it and it makes you closer. For example, my man has had some debt problems in the past, but now he's reformed and is taking responsibility for them. He realizes that he messed up, and is fixing the situation. I knew this from the beginning but didn't judge. It's hard, but it's not impossible. Thanks to all your support (all those that posted), it is nice to vent, but it shows me that there are less experienced people out there that think that marriage is a pass to see if you like someone, but if it doesn't work, just drop em'. I do appreciate those that took the time to post. There is a covenant with marriage, and it all depends on the person. No one should judge, and I'm one of them, I admit I should be less careless. Love to all, seeing as this transition to Christmas is near, I hope that all of you in pain shall find peace in this wonderful time of year.
well, to the first post, we do communicate, and express our love to each other every day. it's the physical part that is lacking, he tickles me and teases me with silly things that I just love, including hugging me and kissing my neck (which he knows I adore), it's just the sex that doesn't happen, emotionally we are attached very deeply. I love him very much, and I have no question as to if he loves me. I just get bored very easily, and due to my lack of performing in orchestras (I play bassoon very well, yet since college, I'm unable to afford an instrument). I think this may have a dramatic affect on my abilities. I feel worthless, which started to happen in college, I believe that if I can tackle more hobbies, maybe I won't feel so left out. We take a day off to just be together and spend "us" time. It's quite convenient. I know I've been married less than a year and probably don't know much, but divorce is not in our vocabulary. Marriage is a promise and dedication that we both take seriously... there is no "easy" out. He'll have to take me with him if he leaves me, and vice versa. We will be married 50 years from now if he lives that long... lol...
This reminds me of a bf I once had... Like with most men, they don't get the hint. They're always off in their own little world doing who knows what. I think if he does love you, he may not know how to express it because he doesn't have a real full connection with you. I think you need some real quality time with ur husband. You two need to get to know each others souls from the inside out, which will make sexuality come easy. If u feel he is not appearing affectionate towards you, direct him. Open him up to it. If he's sitting on the couch snuggle next to him. Tell him that you love him each day until he responds back with a meaningful I love u back. Tell him that you appreciate all that he does for you, men always like to cling to people and things that make them feel good. Go on a romantic date with him and talk about things that you both are interested in; this will drastically encourage conversation and allow for connection. Schedule days of the week with him that is convenient for both of you to just have you and him time. Have fun together. If he's always enjoying himself with you, then he'll want to be with you more. Possibly take away the things that are distracting him from you or work with them to fit your needs. Spend lots and lots of time together and really get to know each other from the inside out. Tell him how you feel, it may seem awkward but hey, it's your needs. A marriage is about communication, without it, it isn't a marriage at all.
Hi,
A marriage where you are celibate withing 12 months is no marriage at all I'm afraid. You basically don't like him and he won't be intimate with you. If that's the truth, as you told here, then the marriage is a farce and you should move on. Not that hard after only a year. Do it and find a life.
You don't say a thing about depression so I suspect you should be using another forum, relationships, not depression.
Good luck and don't drink, it's a one way road to a horror show.
A marriage where you are celibate withing 12 months is no marriage at all I'm afraid. You basically don't like him and he won't be intimate with you. If that's the truth, as you told here, then the marriage is a farce and you should move on. Not that hard after only a year. Do it and find a life.
You don't say a thing about depression so I suspect you should be using another forum, relationships, not depression.
Good luck and don't drink, it's a one way road to a horror show.
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