Growing depression....just venting

[paranoid2007]

I grew up in a family that wasn't very close.  I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters.  We don't act like family should.  When I started my period (around 10), there wasn't anybody for me to tell. I knew my mother used 'cloth' when she saw hers, so, that was what I used until I was around 15.  I was never close to my parents....i feel like a stranger around them.  I feel A LOT of anger towards my mother and father.  I cannot recally my parents ever telling me that they loved me, and I have never told me parents that I love them.

I am 32 and hardly have any friends.  I am from the Islands and recently moved to anotehr country.  I am not working and presently staying with my sister and her husband.

I have been depresses as far as I can remember.  I went on Xanax a few years ago, however, I didn't like taking it and didn't like how it made me feel and I came off it.

I am fearful, a loner, I am distant, I am afraid to talk around people (I wouldn't know what to say, I cannot hold a conversation).  My fear caused me not to have been able to perform in school, so, I am practically a dunce (I remember my dad called me a dunce when I was, maybe 9).  My dad doesn't know how to read or write.  I remember leaving high school and I told my mother I was going to go back to school....She wanted to know why I was going back to school.

Once I took several tablets, but I got scared and I told someone.  My family took me to the doctor and my stomach was pumped.  Another time, I did the same thing, this time, my family didn't know about it, I was staying with a girlfriend of mine at the time.  I guess I just wanted some attention.  

To be honest, I don't even know who I am.  I don't know the real me.

Believe it or not, I have been sexually involved with several men, and I cannot say that I was in a serious relationship with anyone.  I am not sure if I have ever been in love.  Was it love  or was it just infatuation or lust?  I do not know.  I am not sure if I've ever had an orgasm while having sexual intercourse or oral sex.  All these men just wanted sex and more sex, none of them wanted a serious relationship with me.

I have not been truly happy in a long time.  Don't know when was the last time I felt truly happy.  I have way too many things worrying about.  My life is a constant worry.  I wish so many times to die.  I just think my life is not big mistake.  

[imunwell]

Paranoid: As I read your story, I thought about how much it resembled my life and still does. I am a nobody now. I don't have contact with the outer world (outside my house) and my parents think even less of me for giving in to how i'm feeling. we were never a close family and I reckon this is why I am in this situation to begin with. Just letting you know that I know (was gonna say exactly) how u feel. i dont wanna say get elp because u might not feel ready. as a result of my deep depression, I've started thinking about the meaning of life...a point may come that you will suddenly realise that you can't live to please everyone so look after yourself....this is rich coming from someone who feels they can't go on but if you remember anything of what I've wrote, remember this. YOUR LOVE FOR YOU IS FOUNDED ON MUCH MORE THAN ALL YOUR INABILITIES AND HURT FORCED ON You. I dont know if I make sense or not but i like to remind myself of that often.

Sleepwanted: oooooouch!

[sleepwanted]

Sorry it took me so long to respond, while sleepwalking I fell down 13 stairs onto concrete and was in the hospital for 4 days, I'm home now.

[paranoid2007]

I will; study buddies sounds good....

[sleepwanted]

Please do and I guarantee that if your ready within the first chapter or two you will start to feel a differance, let me know how its going, we can compare notes or findings if you like (study buddies) : )

[paranoid2007]

I am in the U.S...

Thank you and I will definately get the book you suggested.

[sleepwanted]

P.S. you have to want a better life... and by reaching out I belive you do....

[sleepwanted]

What country do you live in? If you are from Canada go to emerge and ask to see crisis intervention, you will get a free psychiatrist and they can set you up with government funded help. I had to do the same. Ive been off work for 5 months now and I feel alot like you, I realize though I create much of my own problems. I have a little assignment for you if your up for it, I bought a book (It is probably available at your local library) called "The seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey", its not a self help book but rather insight into who you are and where you want to be and it is amazing. I spent the last 29 years of my life being miserable thinking of how nice it would be not to be around, being in awful relationships etc... This book started me thinking in a new way... I have a ways to go, but at least I'm headed somewhere good. I've noticed in the past two months my friendships are amazingly better, I smile more and am getting my drive back....

[paranoid2007]

Thank you for the encouragement.

I would love to get help, but I am in a situation right now where I am at a stand still...I am not working and have no source of income.  However, as soon as my financial situation changes, I hope to get the help I need.

I have been living in emotionally PAIN for so very long and I really need to free myself.  

[Venora Moonwind]

I am glad you came here to vent. It is time to see a psychiatrist and therapist so you can work through these issues that are holding you back form moving forward. and your life is not a big mistake . you are here for a purpose. get the help you need and you will find what your purpose is. your life is and open book with which you can do whatever you want.          going back to school, travel or what ever you always wanted to do or wish you could. you are in my prayers Please see about getting help . you dont have to suffer this way.I know for I have been where you are.I got help  and I am living a great life doing what ever I want to do. you can do the same.Its not easy to take that first step but you can do it. .
Love Venora