Hard for me to reach out

[mightymouse88]

I am in therapy and in group, but I still don't open up much. I hide myself so much that I'm not always sure of how I am. My therapist in group and the group member who i have become friends with both called me on it this week. She said 'I know you and I talk out side of here, but its hard to get you to talk about your stuff, and I still think you hide most of it' And the therapist said 'you noticed that too?'. I unsuccessfully muted a smile and let out a small laugh, it was nice to see someone had finally noticed it. My boyfriend and my mom seem completely oblivious, and I have more intentionally hid it from them because I don't know how to go about it anyways and I dont want to cause them to stress out. But I still let out little signals hoping that they will take the hint and ask so I can be pushed into it.

I hide a little bit differently from everyone, my home therapist doesn't know I have cut 3 times, my group only knows about the first time I cut, my mom has no idea, but my boyfriend knows all of it. I am drowning in math, my mom and boyfriend sort of know, my therapist knows, and i dont know what my group knows. I lost my job, my parents and boyfriend know, group doesnt know, and therapist thinks I quit. I am severely depressed and have symptoms like sobbing or not doing anything all day every few days, and I'm sad alot and its very hard to focus; group sort of, boyfriend isn't catching on, mom has no clue, therapist sort of. And funny enough my room mate doesn't know anything at all- except that I quit my job.

I guess I came to this forum so that I could tell someone lol

[whodunnit]

Hi,

Your nickname is a very strong indicator of your feelings. Both a mouse and mighty. By yourself you are mighty and with others around you are a mouse. Is that about right?

JG has asked you the absolutely spot on question. Seeing a therapist is about opening up, not hiding things and playing little games about whether they can guess what's wrong. Total waste of time doing that.

But you do it with yourself too don't you? Hiding your feelings from yourself. That's how we get depressed Mighty.

If you want to get better and recover you must overcome that innate shyness and start talking, in group and with the therapist. Outside is not so important initially but it will become critical once you do the first two things.

It's not as hard as it feels. I too was deadly shy for so long. It was truly awful but I got over it through work and became someone who could speak to large groups and control their behaviour.

I recall also a young lady who was in a group I was. She said nothing. Not one single word, not even a hello. For a year and a bit. Then one night she started talking and within a year was the group leader. So anyone can do it and nothing bad will happen when you reveal what you really think and feel.

Give it a try.

[JG525]

Why are you hiding things from a therapist? It sounds like you're not allowing yourself to heal.  Honesty is the best thing with everyone, but at least your therapist.  My thought would be that maybe you don't feel like you are deserving of a happy life.

You are deserving.  I hope you can get your meds adjusted (saw in other post).  Being out of work can be really tough, but it sounds like there is a lot going on.  Hang in there.

J