I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!

[nita81]

I need some advice, i was diagnosed with post partum depression, which i already had post traumatic stress disorder, and depression before pregnancy. My life seems like HELL, i am engaged to a man that i love but i dont feel like he is there for me like he should be, i dont get much help with the baby, i do all the night shifts with jr, while he sleeps, i dont ask him to do much because he works and does college online but i need help. i have good things going on, im engaged, im in college online, i have a gorgeous baby, and we are getting a house soon, but i cant enjoy these things i am always down, and so negative about everything, since i had my son i havent went anywhere with any friends or nothing, ive been at home for most of the 4 months hes been here and the walls are killing me, i started taking anti depressants, fisrt zoloft that made me so sick, now i am on lexapro, which seems to be helping but now i feel myself falling back into the dark hole of depression. I do everything in my house hold, i help my fiance with his home work, take care of junior and myself, and its hard, i need some kind of support, my fiance is always bytching at me about something, when all i do is help him 24 7, im honestly sick of this relationship but i can never get enough strength to just leave. im sick of this!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE SO MUCH BUILD UP AND ANXIETY RUNNING THROUGH ME I JSUT WANT TO HIT A BRICK WALL! WHAT HAPPEN TO ME! I USED TO BE SO MUCH FUN, loved shopping, my friends, going to school, now im just this big ball of sadness, im to tired to do anything, i dont want to shower, i dont want to eat, nothing. i can barely function with my son, i hate getting frustrated with him becasue i love my baby so much, but im to the point where i just want to leave and never come back. all i want is to feel loved and appreciated, i do so much for my fiance and ive cut off every one to be with him, but all i get is bullshyt every day. what did i ever do to deserve a life like this? im truly miserable and the more i try to talk to him about it, the less and less he understands. i have to hide tha fact that im on anti depressants, everything is WHAT HE WANTS TO DO, NEVER WHAT I WANT!!!! im a sucker!! and i hate it, i dont stand up for myself i just sit and get dogged everyday not just by my fiance but my aunts too, i listen to what every one else thinks i should do, not what i want and im sick of this now, i look at my friend carlie and i look up to her shes so strong and she doesnt let anyone get over on her, but look at me, i feel like nothing, i feel ugly,  feel stuipid, i feel not wanted. i hate this, i truly need help

[nita81]

and yes i am a bit nervous, not really, i jsut have to make sure i have a car because i know no one out there! i dont want to make this desicion if things with me ad my fiance wont get better, we seem so disconnected

[nita81]

Yes i am on lexapro, 5 mg a day. i take it before bedtime, but im always SO DOWN! i hate this! i bytch at my hubby about everything, i am so insecure and i always thinks hes cheating, i hate living like this. i just want to be normal!

[ParamedFlorena]

Wow, you're moving the 18th already? Nervous? They can give advice, but you still can decide. It is YOUR family :-)

When my husband and I bought the house we have now, my stepmother and my father sat in the room as I won the bidding round. I had to go outside to scream from the top of my lungs of joy. It was such a great feeling. Mind me, they live in Sweden and didn't really fancy the idea of me and their granddaughter living 12 hours of day-travel away from them. It is the best place when it comes to crime and if I one day get my license in order for prehospital care I join the red cross in 5 minutes and work here (if not I'm bound to one of the biggest cities of the country and that's quite different). It is about 1200 inhabitants and it is pretty calm. It is perfect for a girl to grow up here, ought to be.

What I have taught the 5 years after my daughter was born, has been important. There is always a spare smile for her - and always an encouragement to myself: "Today I did something for US".

It's the family that counts most. Did you get on medications for the postpartum depression? How old is your son?

Florena

[nita81]

Well what i dont hate is that i have a beautiful family, and a great man that takes care of us. but i juss feel like something is missing. i dont know maybe im being spoiled, me and him are young, im 18 and hes 20. we asre working very hard to make this work out, not just for our baby but for each other. we have alot of love for each other, im guessing mabye things are hectic because we are trying to move and he is the only one working, ive told him time and time i can get a job to help out with bills but he says doing school and taking care of jr. is enough, when deep down i know its not,

and I WANT TO HELP SO BAD!!! IVE NEVER HAD A JOB BEFORE, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HELP HIM, whenever i get money i rush to find out what he needs done, ill buy groceries, give him gas money for the durango cause its a gas guzzler and gas prices in chicago are so bad right now, i get the baby diapers or any new clothes he needs, and when i do these tings he a totally different person, he looks like its a weight lifted off of his shoulders, and thats what i want to be able to give him HELP, his culture always takes care of the family and the man does everything but at the point we are at now WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER! i know what needs to be done, and thats for me to work something out and get a job and a car so that i can be more independent and helpful to him, when that happens i see a big change. i see him being happier and less stress, and more loving like he used to be, not snapping over money or bills.

i love him so much, and all im doing is praying i pray very hard for this relationship to work out. and i think it will, sometimes i just fall back into depression and everything seems so bad. I love him and my son TO DEATH! When i see them together i am SO HAPPY THE FEELING IS UN EXPLAINABLE, my son LOVES his dad he lights up when he sees him and i love it, THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY, us being a family and happy, i know things are not going to be perfect, but things can be done to make it better only if he would budge. he has no choice, im getting a job, and taking driving lessons next week, i have to make a change if i want this to work. i jsut wish i could stand up for myself, and not let every one

get over on me, thats a big downfall. for instance, chicago's violence has gotten so BAD the crime rate is higher then its ever been, me and my fiance' found a nice house in a great quiet neighborhood, about 15 mins from the city on the e way, its perfect for us. I told my aunts about it and the discourage me not to move way out there, and im to chicken to say we already took the house and we move on the 18th. i dont know why, i guess i hate to hurt peoples feelings, but moving there its what is best for our safety and OUR SON and thats what is important! i dont know man, my self esteem is sooooo low and always has been, friends are jealous of me because im told to be beautiful, i get compliments all the time, and my fiance is crazy about me, i know im beautiful but for some reason when i look in the mirror i see this ugly person.

[Shari4444]

Hi hon,

Listen to Florena. Just tonight, I was in a grocery store with two young parents and a baby ahead of me. I said to the mother,"Make a wanna -be -gramma happy and have your baby smile for me." The interaction between the parents, at that point, was incredible. They became proud and so tried to get that baby to smile for me (she did).  The point being, try to be around people who want you to be a family. This is not always easy for friends to accept, at first. Encourage, eachother, in your parenting roles. As "natural" as we think it all should be some times, it's not always that way. It's not a "magical" transformation at the child's birth, that you become "Mom" and the father becomes "Dad". Yep, it takes some work.  You are not ugly, stupid, or unwanted. Just look at that baby's eyes follow your every move. Could you possibly be more NEEDED?  Please, search for meaning in a new family life, not recovery of your old life with a family. Yes, it is time to grow (with that beautiful new baby). Good luck to you and your family!!!!

Hugs,
Shari

[ParamedFlorena]

Hi,

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. Having a baby and becoming more a family is supposed to be joyful. I think it will be too. Studies are no excuses to skip the father-role. My goodness how that had looked here at home - I can't just skip being a mother only because I have my studies! Oh no, the baby is number one.
Try to get some more organized hours for the studies so that you know when your baby's father is available. Communicate, talk, plan, do get out and take a short walk together.
Show off your baby together (oh I loved that!) People rush to as soon as they see a stroller. Their attention is the baby. They'd literarily dive into the stroller just to see your baby. That does something for a mother too.

It is tough work to adjust to becoming parents - together. You've been together about all this haven't you. Ok, we know how pregnancy happens. Flowers smell and bee's are... not always irritating?
Before that, what'd you do? Did you have friends you visited? (Keep in touch with them). Did you have movie-nights and make dinners at home? Continue to do so. Get a babysitter one or two nights and do what you used to do. Nurse your love for each other too. Talk about what you want to do with your parent-roles.

Nita81? Don't give up. Be proud of becoming a mother. If you have to leave your baby's father, don't do that before you've tried talking with him seriously at least two more times, give him a chance to change - and give your baby a chance to grow up together with him.
If you have to leave, maybe a therapist can be a great support while and after you have left?

What about life do you not hate? You don't have to love it. When my daughter was a baby, my husband worked 18 hours a day, and it was not great. I was going nuts until I found out that the more time you spend on loving your baby and spend time with him, the more it strengthens you. It gives a great bondage between you two, a bondage only a mother and a child can have. No one can come between that.

Do check back! Don't give up. Take one and one step at a time.

~Florena

[el_dave]

I think perhaps you might start by "uncutting" everyone else. My girlfriend used to be you, and she stayed with the guy. Now their kids are at the age where it would tear them to pieces to lose Daddy, and Daddy is a stay at home drug addict that Mommy supports. When I met her he had reduced her to someone who felt herself unattractive (the girl is gorgeous!), and.. well, to put it in a nutshell, she said, crying "I'm such a loser. Maybe the kids would be better off without me." At that time she was unemployed and had been unemployed for years, so received no responses to applications. He was working at that time, maybe 14-16 hours a day and bringing home maybe $100-$150 a week and excuses. Drugs, you know. Well, I'm a nobody and know nothing, but when someone is that far off base even someone like me can set them straight.. so today she's all right, she knows how fabulous she is, and has a great job and a greater future. And really, the only thing that happened is someone loved her and told her the truth about herself instead of using her and telling her what was required to keep her submissive. Thing is, if she'd had cut the strings with the guy when the children were younger she'd never have gotten to the point she did. So what I'm trying to say is it appears to me that you might want to make some more friends, perhaps open your mind to the possibility of finding a new gentleman friend who might appreciate you more. Believe me, you don't want to get into the situation my girlfriend was in (and in some respects still is.. he's still around, just no longer in control).