help.. i think im really depressed and don kno who to talk to

[AARTI87]

I'm scared, I really really am, I think I'm seriously depressed and that everything out there in the world is out to get me...I don't want to talk to my parents because I don't want to stress them out anymore than they already are... plus... I'm scared they will just laugh at me and think I'm crazy... My friends... sigh they kind of know what I'm going through... But they don't really try to help me out on it.. But then again there's a limit to how much they can help me out... My grades are dropping and I’m really worried about it… As it is my parents are struggling a lot to keep me in college… you see my dad lost his job last year in July and ever since then I feel so lost and helpless.. I could get a job myself yes I know but my college is from 8:30 in morning to 5:15 and I need time to work on my assignments and rest and such… I sleep at around 2 every night, sometimes later and wake up at 6 – 6:30…. I feel exhausted all the time…  I have to come home and eat ‘lunch’ and then I have to sleep … I then wake up in the evening and work on my assignments and study for any test and such… I feel I have no time at all during the day for myself…  I don’t know if I’m depressed… Maybe it’s just in my head… but I find myself feeling really low and empty a lot of times… in a second I can go from extreme happiness to feeling depressed over nothing or over some small little issue… I do sometimes wish for death, and get violent images of me killing myself and its really scary… Sometimes I just feel like crying for no reason at all… I want to be all alone away from people, even from my close friends but at the same time I want to be surrounded by people… I’m insanely confused and troubled and I just want to feel better and move on…  I’ve taken test online and they all say that I’m depressed, now I know I’m not supposed to follow these online tests.. and maybe this is what is playing on my mind, but I don’t know.. I really don’t know.. Someone please help me :(  

[ShaneTFletcher]

Hey, I know how you feel really. I seem to listen to the song "I want to die" by mortal love, I seem to go through the days but feel suicidal. Maybe its just me thinking in the wrong but my life seems to suck at the moment, nothing is going right, no true love, nothing.
But AARTI87, you hang in there. Don't let the darkness get you, you was born for a reason.
Tell a best friend about it or someone who you will really trust.

Peace

[AARTI87]

Hey Everyone,

Brief update on mee :)

I'm feeling so much more better compared to what I was like a few weeks back... mostly cos' I talk my 'issues' out with a really good friend :).. and yes my mother as well - not everything but some stuff...

I'm also insanely busy with college, the event, tests, assignments n such ... I got the flu recently, still have it.. but yeah taking my meds .. hopefully it will go away soon! hehe

I think of all of yall whenever I go to church which is weekly and pray for each and every one of youu ! well I do think of yall other times as well :p so yea hehe...  Thank you so so much .. I hope you all are well and happy... mwah !

Take Care! Hugs!

-aarti

[lonewolf07]

Hi

You sound like you are quite aware of your feelings which is a good thing.  Your parents probably already have an idea that something is bothering you, I usually know if something is bothering mine and would be hurt if they felt that I would laugh at them or that they would stress me out if they told me about it.  Shari 4444 is right - trust your mom.  You might be surprised at how much mothers know about their children, no matter how old they are.  With your friends - yes - there is a limit to what they can do.

I read your profile and see that you are studying something you don't want to be studying.  Is this because of your family?  I had students at the university here who didn't want to be at university at all but their parents pushed them into it.  A few dropped out, a few went to college and a few got jobs.  It's difficult to be told what to study and to please others.

It sounds like you are going through a stressful time and I think your reactions are quite appropriate, even the suicidal fantasies - just don't act on them.  Is there any possibility of talking to someone other than family or friends.  I know some folks see therapy as a negative stigma but if you get a good therapist, one you trust it can really help and you don't need to feel like you are stressing out your parents.

I go to sweats and ceremonies (I'm Native) as often as possible and it always helps, even if only in a really small way.  I'm not suggesting you go to Native ceremonies but I have found that combining our cultural healing with "western" healing has helped me a lot.  This forum has helped a lot too.  There are some really wise, caring people out here - like El-Dave and Florena.  For a first step towards healing, you have come to the right place.

Your feelings are not just in your head, they are in your body and spirit.  They are real.  

Hugs and good thoughts to you ....

lonewolf

[el_dave]

We just got adopted by a pigeon. I was sitting on the front porch with my wife, making up lies and generally having a good time like that, and this pigeon comes to roost on a tree brance five or six feet from her shoulder. *Shhhhh*.. don't move.. sneak in, get the camera.. Came back out, and the pigeon is on her shoulder! So I took lotsa pictures, carefully, slow moves, *shhhhh*, he'll fly away. Well, our house is as close to real Florida as you can get this far north, with plants growing everywhere, and they do have to be watered. Kiddo sez, "well, it's been fun, but I have to water this stuff" and stands up. Pigeon doesn't fly away. Kiddo goes out in front, grabs the hose, and walks around watering for like twenty minutes.. pigeon stays right on her shoulder! I extended my hand, and pigeon jumps onto it. I carried him around showing him to neighborhood kids, and he stayed with me the whole time. Of course when I came back he jumped right back to Mama.. anyway, he's in an enclosure on the front porch for the night in order to avaid becoming a tast-e-treat for neighborhood kitties, and I'll let him out in the morning. If he wants he can come back here and work with me during the day, kitty can''t get in here. It appears that pigeon, whose name is Bartholemew Bird (quite a dignified fella, yeah) needed a home.

There are scads of animalcules out there that need a loving home. They're all going to die one day, but in the meantime, they need a loving home. It does hurt us when they die, but it's sure bound to happen. While they're here with us, though, they sure can brighten up the day. I remember when I had that awful depression kitty (whose name is Little Bit) would come and sit on my chest and just nuzzle me and let me know he's there if I needed him.

One of my favorite kitties died right in my arms on the way to the vet, and my beautiful dog Precious died after being bitten by a snake, with her noble head in my lap. Now our only dog is Taco Bell, who is smaller than kitty. All will die one day, but in the meantime, we do for them and they do for us.

Gee, can you guess what my advice would be regarding getting another pet?

[AARTI87]

Hey,
Gosh feels like ages since I've been here, but just been so so busy!
I got through the test and presentations .. they were pretty okay.. right now I've got assignments and all to complete ... have to watch a lot of movies too ! part of the assignment .. which yeah sounds cool but the movies! OMG some of them are so so boring !
Right now yes, slowly slowly opening up to my mom about problems in general.. we have this family business you see, opened in partnership, and we have some hanky panky going on ... so we discuss about it at night, before we sleep...
All my mom right now, knows is that I'm extremely stressed out cos' of college cos' of the work load, and my class I think I mentioned before has to throw a farewell party event for our 3rd years that are leaving.. I'm in charge of cultural activities, including two other people... yikes... ( didn't ask for the responsibility by the way, someone assigned it to me.. uff )... Well we being graded on it, so I guess its a good thing... :S
Anyways, Yesterday and day before yesterday, 3 of my fighter fish died, and it really hurt, cried a little, I know some people may call me crazy, but yes I do miss them.. and losing all 3 in a time span of 2 days ... sigh...
It brought back memories of when my dog died.. and now THAT really HURT... i was just 8 or 9,  but I still remember... sigh ... and my fish were like friends to me, but when they died .. sigh.. now I just don't want any more pets, cos' its just heartbreaking to lose them... but yeah at the same time I want one.. sigh..
Anyways, this is just a general update, I don't get those empty feelings anymore thank the Lord... but yeah working through it... working progress...
I hope all of you guys here are fine, Thank you so much for your help, I do read the stuff you guys post, but just don't have time to post anything... Will pray for each and every one of you,
Take Care,
*hugs*
-Aarti

[ParamedFlorena]

Aw, those better days really are needed! It's so great to hear that you try to open up to your mother. She needs to know how her daughter is doing, feeling and thinking!
Good luck with your assignment/test/presentation!

Florena

[AARTI87]

hey,
Thanks so much for replying,
I'm trying to open up to my mom.. opening up a little more every single day...
so I think it's going well right now..
Today, I'm not down, or feeling empty as I did yesterday, thank the Lord..
Just tired, have to finish an assignment for tomorrow, Will be done with that in about... 30 minutes... so will sleep then yay ... hehe...
Will post more when I'm free..  bombared with assignments and test and presentations at the moment...
Take Care,
*Hugs*
-Aarti

[Shari4444]

Sorry you are having a hard time. I just wanted to give a Mother's point of view, for you. I don't know if your mom is like me, but I want to know what my sons are feeling -good or bad. One of the greatest things I can do as a Mother for 20-something year old sons is to listen. If, through my listening and understanding, I can offer some comfort to them, then I really feel like I'm doing something! Moms and anybody else, for that matter, can underestimate a child's/friend's depression. Sometimes, you just really need to let them know just how sad you are feeling. It is not that they don't care...they don't understand. Until one has been depressed themselves, they do not understand it in others. Please, give your Mom a chance. Make her know just how depressed you really are (you did a good job of telling us here on the forum). Write her a letter, if you need to. I would think, that at the least, she will sign for you to see a counselor. Good luck & take care of yourself, Aarti.

Hugs,
Shari

[ParamedFlorena]

Aarti - I hope this place is going to be a good place for you to find out what to do. I'm going to use a clichée and say that life absolutely is a rollercoaster.

I'm absolutely not an expert on depression - I am only one who managed my own depression through finding someone to talk to that would listen. That IS the way. When I was 17-18, I lived in the shadow and thought no one would want to listen, but all that was needed was to find that ONE special person to talk to that would take the time to listen carefully. It was easier to find out how I thought about things when I had someone to talk with.

You touch so many things that I went through. I lived in the belief that my father and stepmother wanted me to hold on to the happy feelings and the joy of living and that they didn't want to listen to me when I had a hard time, but only because you're getting older doesn't mean they don't want to listen. It is difficult to entrust them, but for me, it did finally work one day. You have maybe got enough to think over from el_dave so I'll finish off with saying:

Welcome to this forum!


Florena

[AARTI87]

Hey,

You're such a sweetheart! haha.. thanks so much for posting three timess :):).. I'm happy knowing that there are strangers out there who care for lil ol' me..

Sigh, I will get back to your messages definitely before I go sleep... but right now my mom wants to use the PC... once she's off I will read your messages again and reply back..:)

Thank you so much love

Do Take Care,

-aarti :)

[el_dave]

Back again!? I just read you'd written another before the one I just commented on. Forget most of that stuff I said, other than Indian or no, I really believe you should give your mother a better chance to be of help to you. But if you really go from ecstasy to misery in the space of a second or seconds and haven't been doing any dope for a while (you're talking weed, right? Oh, I hope you're talking weed) you do desperately need professional help with that, I think. No one deserves that bad a ride, and I hope you'll swallow whatever reservations you have and demand that permission from your parents.

Since you've entered one of my areas of expertise, I'll say another thing.. if you find yourself masking your problems with get-high again, always choose weed over alcohol. Having ridden both those trains and much, much faster, more destructive ones, I can tell you for sure that in the long run there's a deep sense of accomplishment in passing a joint on without hitting it. I know from a great "wealth" (what a sick joke) of personal experience that drugs, including alcohol, are doing a great deal more long term damage to your ability to find any lasting peace and happiness than one might suspect, especially since they're such a fine short term solution (as long as you don't get busted). Sometimes it sounds so silly, the world is such an insane place.. in the USA, whiskey is legal, grass is illegal.  So, how many guys got high and beat up their wife and kids last night?  So it all seems so crazy, and it's probably just as senseless there in the UAR. Anyway, of the evils, the best choice is none, second best is not at all, third best is abstinence, fourth is weed, and fifty second is hard liquor. One hundred and seventy fourth choice is drugs like X, Seven thousand four hundred and sixtieth choice is heroin, and negative to infinity choice is crack. I have thoroughly researched that data.

I like you, some of your messages are even longer than mine.

-E.D.

[el_dave]

Hi, El Old Fool again! While I was writing that, you were writing more. I have to stick my nose in again.

Telling your Mom you're feeling down/depressed and telling her it's so bad you sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be best not to be here at all are different things. For the college counselor, what would stop your parents from giving the needed permission? Look at what you said: "I do underestimate my parents a lot.. I'll definitely admit that... but its because of the way they act..."  Do you see the inconsistency there? If it's because of the way they act then you're not underestimating them. As a parent, if I were the judgemental type, I'd have to judge their attitude "wrong"... IF their attitude is what you think it is. I hope you're wrong, but I assure you of this: chances are, if you gave your Mom a chance to help you, it may help her. What you see as adding to her burdens could very well actually ease them. I don't really know either, but I do know many very direct experiences with mothers screams to me that I'm right.

"If only I wasn't so afraid of what what people I care about will think of me".. what do you mean? If you're talking about what they'd think if you ever offed yourself, you're on a very good track there. The pain of a parent who lost a child by the child's own hand is something satan, if he exists, would envy a child the ability to convey. Or do you mean like if your grades slip and all? Don't worry about it. You'll get them back up once you've whupped up on this. If your bike's rear wheel skids on a mountain road, don't waste any worry on grades 'til the skid is corrected. Your ability to make good grades won't dissipate, it's only masked.

"I'm one of those people who just wait for things to fall into place, and I should stop that". Well, in any event things WILL fall into place. Of course it's faster to work toward that end, but even without any cooperation from you at all, in time things will work out. Of course, the valleys you get to would undoubtably not be as low and the peaks you attain would be higher with effort on your part, but unless you do something crazy like hopping on the heroin (or etceteras) train, and as long as you hang tight and take it at least day by day, things are going to get better. They may even get worse before they get better, but they'll get better. Trust me on this.

[el_dave]

Howdy. I'll let these other folks make the suggestions about drugs and things like that. I can only tell you this.. a couple of weeks ago I'd have paid you to waste me, and today life's not so bad at all. So remember, if you find yourself with seriously suicidal thoughts, no matter how comforting death may seem, it is permanent. Life is not permanent, death is permanent, death is in the cards eventually, so it's cheating yourself to rob yourself of tomorrow's possibilities. All you have to control is your hand, you know. You don't have to control what's going on around you, it's your hand that has to take the steps to self destruction, so if it does come to that, just control the actions of your hand, don't even try to reason why. Worked for me.

Three times I've been on the brink. The first, I was just about your age, hiding in closets, panic attacks, the peace of death such a lovely goal. If I had a brain,  I could express to you the heights of joy I've known since, with my little girls making me proud or sometimes disappointing me (doesn't matter.. when it comes to your children "it's all good", though it may appear differently on the surface).. with some truly excellent motorcycles.. with friends, and you NEVER know what sort of friend or event is just around the corner. So please stay around to find out. I'm living proof that waiting it out is better than ending it.

I don't know your parents, and I sincerely hope that you don't either. If they are people who would laugh at your fears, then they are denying themselves a great deal of the real beauties of parenthood. Do you really have anything to lose by giving them a chance, though? In any case, assuming professional counseling is available to you, listen to these folks in here and avail yourself of it. God, how I've laughed at people who needed "counselling", but when I was forced to go I found that I've been foolish. But in any case and whatever, please do stay here to see what happens next. Doesn't matter if it's bad or good, it lacks the aspect of death that does surely make death the wrong choice.. permanence. Permanance? I don't know, you're the one in college.

I wish I knew more about the UAR and the things that shape a student's economic picture there, because someone here told me something so wise I still haven't been able to completely integrate it's impact. She said that looked at as a whole, 'situational' depression can seem overwhelming. So what you do is work on whatever individual causes of the depression you can identify, and little by little things will improve. Try to be patient. Can't be sure what the causes actually are? Well, that seems to be something those 'counselors' have a knack for helping with.

This one is just from me, and may be completely wrong: you may not want to jump on the drugs bandwagon until you've proved to yourself that nothing else works. But maybe that's just me. If you can, keep us posted, let us know when things improve. 'Cuz if you hang on, I really believe things will. Folks advise 'hope', but I do have 58 years of sometimes rather odd and sometimes terrible and sometimes wonderful experiences that lead me to tell you that more than hope, you can actually have confidence in things getting better. As long as you hang on. "In the clearing stands the boxer, and a fighter by his trade, he carries the reminders of every glove that's cut him  till he cried out in his anger and his shame, 'I am leaving, I am leaving!' but the fighter still remains". Take the boxer's cue, it's worth it.

Don't go away, okay? Keep us posted.

-El Dave

[AARTI87]

Hey,

Thank you so much for replying..

Sigh, talking to my parents I highly doubt it will help, My mom did not say a word the last time I told her I was feeling down/depressed... I have considered talking to a college counselor but apparently they need parents permission and such.. so I dropped that idea... I stay in the Middle East, U.A.E, I don't know if they have a community outreach center here - highly doubt it..

I do underestimate my parents a lot.. I'll definitely admit that... but its because of the way they act... sigh I don't know.. I would talk to my mom about my troubles but then I don't want her to worry more because shes already stressed out as it is...

The rest of my family i.e. cousins and relatives are all back in India... no one else is here..and they won't be of much help either... I find myself talking to my friends a lot, but like I mentioned before theres only so much that they can do... but yeah they don't know everything...

I'm one of those people who just wait for things to fall into place, and I should stop that... If only I wasn't so afraid of what people (whom I care about) will think of me.. sigh...

Take Care, and once again Thank you...

-Aarti

[AARTI87]

Hey,

Thanks so much for replying..

Sigh I know I should go see a counselor, I really want to talk to someone and tell them everything thats going on in my freaking head...  But... sigh I know my folks... I'm Indian and... well Indian folks are very.. sigh don't even know how to say it really...Don't get me wrong, compared to other Indian parents my folks are pretty cool, but.. sigh I don't know... I've told my mom before, that I'm feeling depressed but she just didn't say anything... and I don't know.. that just hurts so much more knowing that she knows and isn't doing anything about it.. I'm sure she thinks I'm over exaggerating or something like that and she probably thinks its a phase I'm going through....  sigh but I don't know...

How can one person go from being extremely happy in one second and then wish to die in the next.. This has happened to me so very often that right now I'm scared of being happy because I don't want to go back to feeling sad... did that make sense.. :S.. sigh...

Sometimes I wish these pills were just readily available without a doctors prescription, and being here in the Middle East makes is harder I suppose... But.. yeah I do get that people can misuse them ... I used to smoke my 'anger' and 'sadness' away before but now thats stopped..  I don't drink, well.. honestly I would if I could, but... my dad would notice if a couple of bottles of his whiskey disappeared... and yes I know that isn't the right way to deal with it but its the only way I know how....

When severely depressed I use to cut myself, and my friends found out and they got extremely pissed off... and so I don't do that anymore, but sometimes I just can't help it.. its instinct I just reach for the closest sharp object I have and... sigh.. I don't go near veins though.. doesn't make it any better yeah I know.... Sigh...

I feel I'm messing up my life so bad, and my studies are just.. blah... I was a 3.0 + gpa student and last semester after my dad lost his job i dropped to a 2.75 and my parents were pissed off... Recently my mum got mad at me and said that since last semester I dropped to a 2.75 this semester I would drop to a 2.00... and did that hurt.. Hell yeah... all I need is motivation and it seems I'm getting anything but that... sigh.. Tomorrow I have this major test for Video Production and I just studied 1 chapter out of 4... Plus! I have a presentation which is easy enough but.. sigh I just don't feel like going up there and standing in front of the class.. but I can't let my team down... k this is long enough.. thanks so much for listening.. or reading.. :s

-aarti

[Penelope14]

You really need to either talk to your parents, or go seek some medical attention. Im not sure where you live? But where I live they have comunity outreach, which is where young people can go & talk with someone who is in your situation. Stop underestimating your parents reactions towards your feelings, I think if you do go to them & tell them your feelings & issues with depression you will find them alot more supportive then you think? If this doesnt work, then is their another family member or a loved one who can help? Being that your in school, chances are theirs a counselor who you can go to? You have to talk with someone, talking about your problems really does help, I cant tell you how many times it has helped me, I,ve had my times with depression to & I know, its not easy but theirs hope.    Take Care of Yourself!! Penelope

[Rose703]

Sweetie I think you should see a counselor. Believe me they don't bite, LOL!! The truth is they can help you with this and maybe even give you an AD. So many addictes are depressed especially after coming clean because they realize all the hurtful things they did when they were using.
Please PM me when you can. I'm always here to help and sometimes that's just what the doctor ordered!!