I really need some advice

I'm 15 nearly 16 years old and suffering from depresion. I've always been a bit of a loner, not many friends and real quiet all the time. I've always gotten teased and bullied ever since my first day of school and it really used to get me down. I started putting up an emotional mask that said "DANGEROUS" on the front. When I got to hight school that had developed into the full goth/emo/punk style, whatever you want to call it. Black nail polish, straightened hair, leather jacket, the whole lot. I was going out with a girl named Michaela, an old childhood friend, we pretty much grew up together, We'd been going out for about 3 years when it happened. She was killed in a car accident and I'v been struggling with depression ever since. A while back, about April last year I met a girl at a local youth group, Montana. She's the same age as me roughly(slightly older)and is very beautiful. Only problem is-she is in a relationship with her 26 year old boyfriend Blake. Me and Montana both felt an instant connection, it felt as if it was only her that was keeping my heart beating from then on. She felt the same way. We started hanging out a lot at school and were pressed into a relationship by a group of friends-neither of us really minded-and she ended up leaving Blake for me. At the time I was extatic, but was soon worried about her. One day I found her crying her eyes out, leaning against a wall, that scared the hell out of me. I tried to help her but I didnt know how, I'd only been in one relationship before and that only ended because some **** ran her over. She knew I was still suffering as well and that I was trying to cope with our combined depression, that's just the kind of guy I am. I alway put her first, before myself, even before my own family. She meant everything to me. One day at school about a week from the start of the Christmas holidays however, she just calls it off, says that she realises just how many guys she had been with in the past and that she needed to deal with her own problems for a bit. After she went home I lost it. I was screaming my lungs out, punching walls, and smashing windows, all the while crying my eyes out. I ended up asking my best friend, Rob, who's like an older brother to me, to kill me because i had promised Montana that I wouldnt do it myslelf. I had thought about suicide a fair bit when Michaela died but when Montana broke up with me, I was full ready to ust kill myself then and there. The only reason I didnt was because I didn't want to hurt her, I had promised myself that I would never hurt her. In the holidays I met another girl Kaitlin, who had gone through a fair bit of sh*t same as me. We were instant friends, hanging out at school all the time. I started to develope feelings for her and I told her straight up that I loved her. She replyed by telling me that she only saw me as an older brother. I wont lie by saying I wasn't upset. I started going off by myself at schol and in the middle of the night. I started drinking and smoking. I used to be getting A's And B's at school, now all i get is C's and D's. I really don't know what to do. I don' go out anywhere anymore, I've lost contact with most of my friends and I lash out at people really easily. Every night I cry myself to sleep. I've tried to commit suicide a couple of times. I just can't live with this pain. If someone could please give me some advice I'd be grateful. Please help.

[remar]

I'm so sorry to hear about everything your going through, and have been through with losing your girlfriend.
Can you talk to your parents about getting in to counseling? If not, see your school counselor.
I have to tell you that many girls can come and go in your life. Family will always be there, in most cases. Your education is very important. Try your best to get back in there and start making A's and B's again.
We're here to help you anyway we can.

[Nate666]

thanks for that, and no I can't talk to my parents, they don't know about any of it, except Montana leaving me.

[wandering_child]

I can't really give you any advice because I'm so bad at dealing with this depression thing myself, but I want you to know that your story really resonated with me and made me cry.

Realize that since you're so deep in your own habits and ways of doing things, that the healing process WILL be painful, weird, embarrassing, and uncomfortable.  Hang in there!!

[remar]

You can't talk to your parents, or you feel weird about doing so? I really think it might be a good idea to try. If you can't then see your school counselor tomorrow. Some of the things your going through is normal teen age behavior. But to me, it sounds like you have some anger and depression going on. A counselor could possibly really help with this.  

[Nate666]

I think I'll try to talk to someone. I know that it's normal teenage behaviour but that doesn't make it easier. And yes I do have anger issues but I've also got ADHD and ODD as well.

[remar]

That's great! I hope you can talk to someone soon. Some of what your going through is indeed normal teen age behavior. No, it does'nt make it any easier. Are you taking meds for the ADHD?

[Nate666]

Yeah I'm on concerta.

[remar]

Have you been able to talk to anyone yet about how your feeling?

[Nate666]

Not anyone professional, but I've talked to my friends about it

[remar]

I'm glad to hear you have friends you can talk to about all of this. I still think it might be a good idea to talk to your school counselor. You seem to be pretty depressed. Friends can be a great support and I'm glad you can talk to them but, they are not professionals and can only help you so much. I'm not putting your friends down at all. I relied on mine a lot when I was your age.

[Poo44clooner]

I am so sorry to hear all the pain that you are going through. Your girlfriend dying and then the other girlfriends. But listen I know you are going to be 16 soon, I have a daughter about your age who is going through depression and anxiety, so I know from the outside how much you must be hurting. But you must first finish grieving for your dead girlfriend instead of masking the pain and the loneliness with other girls. You are going from one girl to another. Stop and grieve for her. Get help from your school counselor and talk to someone or buy a book about teenagers grieving in your library or bookstore. You are on an emotional merry go round and must get off. Deal with the pain and when you have finished and when you eventually find someone for yourself then it will be right. Remember you are only barely 16. Give it time.
Much luck,
Angela

[Nate666]

Thanks for listening and trying to help a complete stranger

[tigercity]

I am very moved by your story. You sound like a wonderful person who has so much to give. And at your age you shouldn't have had to live through so much pain. I do not know if you are spiritual at all, but I will pray for you.
If you are close to your family at all, I suggest you look to them for support. If you aren't, maybe you have friends that can help you?
I have found, from personal experience, that platonic relationships with friends and family can be so much more fulfilling than romantic ones, simply because they come without baggage, promises or responsibility. And this is especially true of someone who has a lot to deal with already.
Once you truly love yourself, you will feel so much more empowered in any relationship you enter. I trust you will find happiness one day.

[nlk259949]

I am so sorry to hear about everything that you have been through...that's absolutely terrible, and you are a strong person for getting through it all. I noticed from your story though, one particular thing that I wanted to point out to you, that will be quite promising. Do you notice how after the first girl that you were with died, and you wanted to die, you found happiness again, and things got better? This is how life is =), except someday, it will stay better for a lot longer. These people are right though, you have to try to find happiness aside from girls. The problem with putting all of your happiness in girls, is at your age relationships don't usually last very long, therefore you may end up constantly heartbroken, wanting to commit suicide. I know how that is. High school sucked for me. I was so depressed, and towards the end of high school the main thing that got me through it was my boyfriend, but that was not a good way to be. Since then I have always depended on men to make me happy, and you don't want to live that kind of life. A life like that only leads to fear of being alone, because you know that you are so depressed and not ok when you are alone. I strongly urge you to find comfort in family and friends--they are the ones that will always be there for you--especially family. Just know, that it does get better. As I got older, I realized how my depression in high school was all due to hormones and being forced into a school of judgmental people everyday. It's not an easy thing to get through if you are not the most popular perfect person, which is so ridiculous to me now. I look at the world now, and realize how those popular perfect people in high school, really weren't perfect at all. Being perfect is really being imperfect. You will be ok, I promise you. Just always remember the times that you have been happy. Remember how amazing you felt with those people, and know, that if you felt that way once, you will feel that way again...and that is worth living for.

[stornerjoel]

chere up joels here u will get through it

[Poo44clooner]

That is one pet peeve of mine is when a person who has major depression is told to "cheer up" or "put a smile on your face' or " think positive thoughts."
It's brain chemistry, not an attitude. Words hurt.
Be careful next time,
Angela

[Nate666]

Dont have a go at Joel please, hes a pretty good friend of mine, one of the only people i can really talk to thanks

[remar]

I'm sure the above poster did not know that was your friend talking. It's just that we that have depression hear this so much. Cheer up, quit being a baby, just get over it. She was just defending you.
How are things going? I'm glad to see you still posting here.

[Poo44clooner]

Wasn't try to have a "go" with your friend, it is just that I have heard that all my life and unless you have depression and anxiety, it just seems no one understands.
Well anyway I hope you get the hope and happiness you deserve.
Angela

[lozzbra374]

Wow,
Well firstly I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss and everything that has happened to you, it can't be easy. I would have to say, though I don't know you I would say you would have to be one of the strongest people. To stay true to what you said, must of been hard as pain is not something that cant just go away easy. I am 15 nearly 16 also and I have depression. I just wanted to say that I know how hard it can be to tell family members and others about problems. That is something I have never found easy and I don't think I ever will. I prefer to talk to others around my own age about my problems and see that im not alone. I had the same type of thing happen to me with guys. My pop died when I was only 5 and he was like a bestfriend to me also my ex boyfriend cheated on me with 13 other girls and my other ex boyfriend was obbsesed with me and now tries to screw up my life by calling me terrible things and saying really mean things about me. One thing I figured out though is that, thats what life is. Bad things will happen and so will good things. Everytime he says bad things about me I think well in a few years when I have left school I wont know you, I will have a job and a lovely husband and children and I wont ever hear about or from you again. Bad things will happen and I can't even start to describe the amount of respect I have for you for sticking through it all but one day something/someone will come alone and everything will be better. I promise. If you ever want to talk im here for you :) Lauren

[Nate666]

Thank you so much for listening, a couple of weeks ago I totally lost control and started trashing stuff at school because I was so angry. Thanks for the offer, I'll return it. Depression is such a hard thing to go through, you feel as if it will never end, that you will go through it for the rest of your life. It makes you feel as if you cant talk to anyone, that nobody understands how you feel. But sometimes it's a lot better to have someone there to talk to, someone who listens, someone who understands what your going through. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you

[lozzbra374]

Yea, I get annoyed quite fast if I am in a depressed mood and if someone annoys me I blow, I get so angry.
I hate having depression, because I feel like no one cares and no one understands.
Yea, for me its having others like our age to talk to thats what makes me feel better.
Thanks, I am always here if you need to talk also :)