I want to die.

[MissMess]

I'm 15, and really, there is nothing ALL THAT WRONG with my life. My parents are ok, I have some friends. But I am so desperate. I can't sleep at night, I've stopped all the activities I used to like. I dropped out of school, I was failing anyways because I couldn't find the strength to open schoolbooks. I used to be good at school. I didn't cry and then start laughing out of nowhere everyday. For no reason. And yet I seem so happy to everyone, I am happy and jumpy and energetic and talk like a train around people. Then I come home and just want to die. I harm myself in any way I know. I used to cut myself but then my parents found out- I'm seeing a psychologist now. I bang my wrists against hard surfaces. I smoke just because I know it's bad for me. I drink every time I can and end up doing stupid things. I want to kill myself so bad, and yet I don't want to die. Death scares me. I don't believe in god. I dont believe in the existence of love. I don't believe in people. Some days I'm just crazy energetic and some others I lie in bed all the time, hugging my pillow and crying for all of it to go away. My moods are crazy. One second I'll just start crying with no reason, or get the urge to call my frineds to go out. It all hurts so bad.
Why should I want to live?
What is the REAL reason for suicide to be wrong?
What if there's nothing to live for?
I just want to drink and **** and do drugs and kill my brain and pretend I'm happy.

[MissMess]

Fact is that I know the people that love me would be better off without me.
I've started dragging my nails down my thighs. I hate the scars, and scratching, burning or banging don't leave any.
I don't really believe in god, never did. But I so wish I did.

[MissMess]

Can I ask you what you've been diagnosed with? You don't need to answer if it's too personal. My psychologist is just doing some talking right now, and he said we're gonna start some tests next time, but I don't think they are searching for mental disorders.

[LeftCoastChick]

You really need to get in to see your family doctor and get a referral, you don't need to feel the way you are. You have a disorder which is messing with your brain chemicals and you more then likely will need meds to control it, I've been there, even last summer, I went to my local hospital and got immediate help. The sooner you get help the better.
Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Talk to your folks, take down the happy happy gaurd and let them know what's going on. You can feel better. I've had those mood swings for years, and I finally got properly diagnosed in Aug. What you have is pretty serious, so do get help a.s.a.p.
Hang in there.

[startotheright]

In an odd way I know how you feel. When I'm around people I'm fine.When I'm around my parents or my friends I'm smiling and laughing, but if you get me alone I'm terrible. I used to be okay being by myself, but now I really don't trust myself anymore alone. I used to cut too, my parents found out but never did anything for it. They just kinda hoped it would go away and it got easier because I started writing as an outlet, but i still get those urges to do it. I also dig my nails into the palms of my hands just to stop the cutting urge.
I can't realy answer why you would want to live. Everyone's life is different hun, and people have different reasons for living; family, friends, kids, their dog haha.
I would say the reason why suicide is wrong is because you're taking yourself away from people that love you. Not because it may be "wrong in the eyes of god" but because of the relationships we make throughout our life.
I hope I helped and if you ever wanna talk just let me know :]