Idk what to do anymore lol

[Jayd1998]

Hi, my name is jordan and I'm 16 years old. I grew up with my dad till I was about 11 after that I grew up with knowing the feeling of him not wanting anything to do with my brothers or I. My dad was an alcoholic he never hurt me or anything but it hurt my mom. She moved us down to Indianapolis about 6 years ago, I was fine with it Idc to much except the fact she was with a women. Over the years I played softball and cross country, I quit all that at the end of freshman year for no reason other than I wanted to be more lazy i guess. Anyways I don't think I have anger problems but I feel like I have hard time expressing my feelings and emotions properly, for that I tend to be kind of quiet. I started smoking pot about 8 months ago, I liked the escape it gave me but I would get really sick, I think it was because of high anxiety I was super scared my mom would kill me. Over a course though I don't get sick anymore I just don't care. I feel like I have this I don't care anymore attitude, I'm just like whatever all the time. And my mind feels blank, not at night time though at night it goes like 50 mph on different thought my day etc.. I hate it because here I am trying to sleep and my mind doesn't shut up. Back to the blackness, I feel empty almost like something is missing I'm sad internally I think for some reason but I don't know what it is. I'm not shy though I promise I'm a tour talker and stuff for my school and I'm hangout with friends and I have an amazing boyfriend. I get into trouble with my mom a lot though she's never hurt me or anything though. I have aittle bit of Hdhd but not to much, and if I smoke and take 2 adderall before school I'll be a great person all day.  But she does get super mad at me because I don't talk to her I guess but I never know what to say my mind is empty, she says it's because I block the bad idk could you tell me a little bit of information on depression and anxiety or possible a way I could open up more I think I have trust issues to:/ it's complicated

[Jayd1998]

I cant diagnose myslef with the actual illness of deperesion because im not a doctor, thank you for the reply. I wish i could talk to my mother but its hard:/ i would most diffently talk to my doctor if i had one, i dont even have insurence

[4Maddie44]

Hello there.  I expect you know that clinical depression is a very serious illness with a lot of different symptoms.  Perhaps you could discuss how you feel with a school counsellor or a doctor.  You say it is complicated, but do you think you do have depression?  Not just feeling down and confused, but the actual illness?  

You sound a very with it young lady.  I think possibly you are going through as phase.  I don't want to belittle you in any way.  I am concerned.  Shame you cannot talk to your mum.