I'm Out

[creston1966]

I think its time to stop coming to this site.   It only brings out what I already know--I'm losing my mind.   I really hope this is the last year of my life.....last month really.  

I cannot ******* stand this world or myself.  I do not belong in this world.  I am saddened because I've never felt real closeness.  I realize now I can neither love or be loved trully.  

Good luck to you all.  Hopefully ******* Ryan will fix all your problems.

[Happy2girls]

Yes, I love Blue October.  

[Happy2girls]

I sent you a PM.  You really have to keep in mind that you are not weak, we all have weak moments.  Your strength is in your willingness to hang in there and fight.  You write so beautifully I sure hope you will continue to share your gift.  Take care.

[creston1966]

You know of Blue October?  Thanks how I'm feeling unfortunately.  I cannot seem to break out of this malaise.  I have no one to talk with here--my wife doesnt understand and only gets mad at me for "being so crabby".   I dont know what my future holds.  I do not think I have a mental illness.  I think I'm a weak person who has no character or soul and a defective view of life.  

I'm originally from PA myself.  Born/raised, but moved away at 18.  


Creston

[April2]

Hang in there Creston. You have a lot of people who care and are praying for you. You'll get through this. Have hope. It really is worth fighting for. God bless.

[Happy2girls]

Blue October??  How are you feeling?

[Venora Moonwind]

well thank goodnes you posted .I have been worrying and prayin g for you. we have all been extremly concerned about you. do you get my message? keep writting the poetry. It is quite good and it willhelp you get this out of your system. this time of year is hard on us all.Please keep writting and keeping in touch with us.
Love Venora

[creston1966]

I was just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just leaving this place
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove I knew how
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of the ones I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

[April2]

Hey Creston, I sent you a pm. I'm here if you ever need to talk. We all are here to support you. I hope you realize that. Take care & God bless.

[Happy2girls]

I wish you would check in and let us know how you are doing?  Please.  

[Jade59]

It's now the 3rd and I hope you were just having an especially bad day.  Many months ago now you said you could relate to Borderline Personality Disorder, remember?  We are EXTREMELY sensitive people and literally feel others pain, even in cyberspace and maybe getting away from the computer is a good idea for awhile.  I have to get away sometimes too because when I read so many people in so much emotional pain it becomes overwhelming.  I didn't think I could love or be loved either, but that wasn't true because the last few years have been like none I have ever experienced, it just took over 45 years is all, but it didn't happen until I started taking care of myself.  Are you taking care of yourself?  And please try to remember that people with BPD find life to be HARD and unbearable at times.  Believe me, you are not alone in your feelings, I have felt just exactly what you've posted so many many times.  

And listen to your friends here, Happy2girls is right, you have been there for others, let us be there for you.  

Please post back.....we all care very much and want to be here for you.  

  

[Happy2girls]

Creston....We've never met on this site but I have followed some of your posts.  You have such a soothing way about you and I have been comforted by your words to others.  It does matter that you are here and you are much needed.  You are a sensitive soul and you feel things very deeply and because of that your pain can be very intense, it comes across in the postings I have seen.  I know it's both a gift and burden to have the empathy that you possess.  You need to realize that you are incredibly important and Verona is correct that you need to accept help as easily as you have extended it.  Please stick around.  

[Venora Moonwind]

Oh honey dont give up. you are not loosing your mind . you just have a chemical inbalance that can be corrected with meds and therapy. you are loved Please talk to me and tell me what is going on withn you. we can help.
Love Venora