What is wrong with me?

[ticked]

I grew up in a very strict household had no bond with my father is was very abusive in every way but sexually but he always creeped me out. My mother watched the abuse happened and stands by what he did to this day.

I have severe anger inside towards people but I have really tried to get past all of what happened to me.

I also had many abusive as well as sexually abusive relationships.

People seem to want to control me all the time and conform to who they are and their values.

Well I have been on Cymbalta for a while as well as seeing a pyschotherapist and was diagnosed with GAD, OCD, PTSD and depression. I also live with multiple Chronic illnesses which I have battled completely alone since I was 10 yrs old

There are times were I try so hard to feel happy inside I really do because I want to feel happy. I just feel like I have never felt what happy is. When I get at my lowest I have suicidal thoughts but would never act on them. I always think about why are we here what is the purpose of this all and why are there people out there that arent going through what I am. Why do I feel like this am I crazy? Well that is always what I am thinking.

I don't like to be touched, I don't like intimacy, I hate someone in my space, I have severe sensitivity to touch, smell, sound, taste etc,

I have no idea what triggers the depression all of the sudden it overwhelms me, I get really tired and don't want to do anything and I am almost unconsolable. I make people feel that they are not good enough and that I would rather be alone then to explain what is wrong and to be made feel like a crazy person, I get into such a dark state I think of death like if it would happen I would be okay with that. If my husband left me today I would have no emotion and we were just married and he is an amazing patient man but he doesn't get mental illness or abuse.  I start to feel guilty after because my husband doesn't deserve to be talked to like that and he does everything for me then I try my hardest to snap out of it.

I will be fine for around 2 months then again. However in the summer I am usually good that is why I think it hits me so much harder and most likely have SAD.

Am I bipolar? Do I have some detachment disorder, personality disorder?

I really dont feel like I have the love emotion or I block it so well that I wont allow to let anyone in ever and if I do and I start to feel vulnerable I almost go into fight flight mode. Could this be it? Could it be from years of abuse and not being able to trust people and form attachments?

[Sad_nana]

Omg, I fear we had the same upbringing and I know how you feel, I think.  My father was the same way.  He beat me, terrified me and my brothers.  He bragged that he never hit us in the face, yet he beat me with an extension cord and spit in my face.  I now suffer from severe depression and substance abuse.  Good luck to you and I'm so glad you, like myself, found this forum.

[Bubulous]

My story of self discovery:

When I first got to treatment I had no diagnoses for any mental problems.  Then I found out I had chemical dependency.   When I was diagnosed with chemical dependency I sit down and started journaling.  I had to get to the bottom of the reason I was susceptible to becoming chemically dependent.  I attached that to the Iraq.  Then I was told I had PTSD.  Again I sit down and started writing.  I had to tie in why I had PTSD and how it was related to the war.  I came to the conclusion that the things I saw in war were internalized and I had no coping skills to deal with that.  Then I went manic and they diagnosed me with bipolar.  Again I sit down and started working on why I was bipolar, when it first began, and how it related to the PTSD and CD.  I came to the conclusion that my childhood was tough and that was the reason that my bipolar became onset.  Iraq was the reason that I fell into manic depression, and the manic depression was the reason I was CD.
That was when I was released and that was good enough to keep me clean for a while and have closure.  Unfortunately that was not the end.  I met a girl and after she moved in with me I started to fall back into depression and when it got to the point where I got suicidal I find myself back in treatment 7 months ago.  I came in with all the knowledge that I had before.  I had the same psychiatrist that I had last year and he had the charts to bring him back up to speed.  We started where I left off last year.  The first thing he taught me was thought stopping.  I was told that feelings cause emotions and emotions cause behavior.  I started working on thought stopping but didn't get anywhere for a while because I stayed in manic depression for three weeks slicing my wrist on the 2nd week.  When I was better and out of the depression I started working again.  I noticed that my hand writing was better when I wasn't depressed and I could concentrate better.  That is how I realized that as I used over time when I tried to stop I couldn't because I was so depressed I couldn't concentrate and figure out why I started using again.
Once I realized this I linked my girlfriend to the depression, but wasn't sure why.  I called and told her to get out of my house and go back to home and she did.  If I know something is a problem I have no regrets in destroying it.  Once she left my doctor told me that I was super codependent.  I denied this for a while but eventually read the book and realized how that was true.  I saw that based on how much flattery I get I would become manic.  Based on how much criticism I took in I would get depressed.  So again I looked back at my life to see how my codependent behavior had caused everything that had happened to me.  I came up with the codependency fed the bipolar and the PTSD which both of caused the addiction.  This was the last thing I learned before I got out this time.  I met a new girl while I was in treatment and she came to pick me up when I got out.  She was the most beautiful girl I had ever met and she loved me dearly.  At a point I broke up with her twice.  As we started falling apart I got more and more unstable and I started cutting (which I realized was the same thing as using as it releases dopamin).  I started texting and calling like crazy crying every day.  I became depressed again and when I came out of it I started writing again.  I realized that every time I lost a woman that I cared about I fell into deep depression.  I had to look back and see how that effected everything else.  I realized that the childhood that I grew up in gave me a distorted view of what love is supposed to be like.  I realized that just like using I needed that instant gratification that she still loved me and it wasn't over.  I realized that after I got as much "high" as I could get from a relationship I got bored with it and started to pull away.  I realized that if I committed myself to the relationship even though I wasn't happy I would use again.  That is when I realized something that is not likely the end of this self discovery but is the foundation for all of this.  I realized I have obsessive compulsive behaviors.  Again I had to look back and see how that has affected my life.

Final synopsis (for now)
The childhood I had caused the PTSD to start.  The PTSD was the cause for the onset of my mental illness.  The onset of my mental illness made me super codependent.  The codependency started the obsessions as a way to escape.  The OCD fed the bipolar and so on, vicious cycle.  The PTSD from my childhood and the codependency made me susceptible to PTSD from Iraq.  The PTSD from Iraq fed the addiction.  Without any more excitement and that adrenalin rush that I got from Iraq I was bored back in America.  The addiction caused loneliness which caused me to get back into another relationship.  The codependency from the relationship and the addiction caused depression.  The depression made it impossible for me to leave the relationship.  Her cheating on me caused the mixed state of mania and manic depression.  The mixed state caused the obsessive tendencies to kick in.  The obsessive behaviors (calling, texting, crying) caused the addiction to climb to a new height and sent me into a very unstable form of psychosis.  The psychosis caused my first suicidal thoughts which lead me into treatment where I became manic.  After I got out of treatment the mania caused the OCD again which lead me to finding a new challenge (woman).  Like I said I like getting them but don't like keeping them around.   It is always a woman, no offense.  Finding this new girl  in treatment this time and falling in love with her caused the mania to come back.  Her ignoring my calls caused the OCD which could have led to relapse had I not realized that the obsessing over her was the same as obsessing over pain pills.  I needed my next fix of her.  I started practicing patience and not obsessing and I have gotten pretty good at it.  I may have thought I learned too much but it is quite the opposite.  During some very deep depression over the last couple of months I have coped by taking a pill but I didn't do that until my family started noticing the cuts on my arms.  I am clean today because although I did take a couple of pills to cope, I never stopped learning and I never gave up.  I bounced back quick and I am stronger today than ever.