Is this depression?

[alex_internet]

Dear doctor,

Recently my wife of 13 years, partner of 17 (we started living together when she was 15 and I was 19, now I'm 35 and she is 32) recently came to me and told me she "fell out of love" with me.  At first I thought she was simply angry with me regarding an argument but as time passed she starting pulling away and cried allot and kept repeating these words.  

After some understanding and researching her feelings I began to understand how she felt.  During this time, I pleaded with her that I would change, and I did all the things she had asked for but in the end I was told I was "to late" and she could not bring the feelings back.  It's been a few months and I watched her grieve a lot, cry a lot and simply not act like herself.

To make a long story short, she finally came around to being herself again and said that she no longer loves me and wants a divorce.  This is where my problem begins.

We have two beautiful boys aged 10 and 5, we live in our third home which one would consider upper middle class in lifestyle.  I tried for about 2 months my best to somehow rekindle "the love", we took a vacation with the kids to Cancun, Mexico, I bought her flowers, spoiled her, bough her gifts, took care of the kids, surprised, took her out, marriage counseling etc. but nothing changed.

Now that I realize she is gone I suddenly find myself "hurting", I great pain that comes and goes in the center of my chest, I know it's not physical because I'm quite athletic and have no health issues of any kind.  But the pain comes and goes.  Most recently I also realized that though I'm not "career" oriented, I've worked hard my entire life to provide my family with a above average lifestyle with vacations,  a beautiful home; as mentioned and upper middle class lifestyle.

Last year I decided I needed to upgrade my skills because after changing many jobs in since I was 20 I found myself in a "dead end" job without much opportunity.  Last year my wife and her partner opened a business in which we lost quite a bid of money so I was constantly complaining and upset with her.  Her business partner was in the same position and finally her partner & husband (we were all good friends) decided to close the business (around the time she "fell out of love") though this had nothing to do with it.

In the past few months as we tried working on our marriage I reopened the same business for wife in which is quite successful today and as we discussed last year, she had mentioned as soon as she's able to support the house hold she would like me to further my skills.

Things unfortunately had not worked out that way and I find myself now lost, and worried about my own future.  I'm also still very hurt at the idea of loosing her, the idea of her being with another man which will happen sooner than later and the fact that I will be loosing my house, and a lot of my personal belongings which I simply can't take to an apartment with me.  I will be loosing my in laws, the ability to be with my kids everyday and so forth.

The part that bothers me most is that I feel hurt, alone and uncertain of how I will be able to work, see my kids, participate in sports, attend school and work at a job that I'm not happy with?

I find it now that unlike last year, everything requires a lot of effort... For example I don't enjoy working out, it's more of a choir now, I hate thinking about going into work because though I get paid well I don't like my job but based on my skills and the current job market I can't do any better.  

In the past I one good job but I was bored and didn't make enough money there so I left to purse a business that was successful until the recent recession wiped me out so I scrambled through about three unstable jobs that led me to this one.

I don't enjoy things like I used to, going out seems pointless because I want to be with my wife.  It's difficult to be even with my kids because I feel as if "I'm out of love" and can't give any back... In fact I don't really miss them at all like I would before.

My wife brought to my attention that over the years I was never really happy with what I had and I always wanted more but didn't really "stick" to one thing and therefore haven't really grown as an individual.  I keep thinking about the things she said I did wrong in our marriage and the fact that I didn't focus on myself at all, simply just on the family.

Now I feel lost, not sure how to secure myself in a career or business that I enjoy.  I am no longer happy and find that nothing I do changes my mood at all, I feel this "lost in life" sensation, "hurt" and "sadness" over loosing my family and don't feel that I want to live feeling like this forever - in the phrase "don't want to live" I'm simply implying that I never felt so sad and bad about life, I was a lot happier than this?

I'm not a "fan" of chemical drugs and avoid taking anything even when I'm sick with a flu or a simple head ache. There are things in my life that I have left out because it would be simply to much to read but would this be classified as some form of long term depression that has brought me to this point?  Any advice or help would be appreciated.

[mammo]

You need to get into therapy, where you can learn how to deal with all you've been through, and move on.  This doesn't mean you have to take medication that is always up to the individual, but it may help you get through this period while in therapy.  We all wish we could do this alone, but sometimes things are just too much for us, and we need help which may include medication along with the therapy.  You have all the symptoms of depression, and it can be debilitating.  Yes, you've lost a lot, and I am so sorry to hear this, but you can and must get your life back.  I don't know what happened with your marriage, but you will find love again, and you need to think about the kids.  They can have one unhappy home, or two happy ones.  Many of us have been thru a situation like this, and it's times like these that we must dig deep and find the strength to keep going.  What's done is done, you can't change it, but you can decide how you will live the rest of your life.  You are in control of your happiness, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.  You sound like a bright, successful man who can rebuild his life, step by step.  Don't allow this to define who and what you are, you've got two children who need their father, they will bring you much happiness.  Since your depression is situational, therapy alone may be all you need, and not medication.  Make an appt. to see a psychiatrist  and start taking your life back, and find your happiness.  Take care...

[Rucnfun]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I know that people 'fall out of love' many times and that's why we have such a high divorce rate. Love is not a feeling. It's a choice. Because believe me, there are going to be times when we don't love our partner! But we have to make a choice to love them each day. I guess that doesn't help you now. Anyways, I'm not a fan of medicine either, I hate taking meds for headaches, or if I have a cold etc. BUT I am a fan of anti depressants. i have been on them for 4 years, and I did try going off of them at one point and I found myself just irritable, moody, and just depressed so I went back on them and feel much better. I don't see anything wrong with them. But what you are feeling is totally normal after going through a divorce. It does take time to heal, so no medicine is going to take away the feeling of just being hurt ya know? But you can always start off on a low dose and see how that goes and as time goes by and you see yourself getting better you can wean yourself off of them. Just something to get up back up and moving again. good luck