Is this depression?

[cassie263]

Well oh this is a goodie Many months ago when I got on zoloft which I am now off of I started having serious doubts about whether I loved my boyfriend or not I mean they were reasonable doubts because he has treated me badly with his depression and we did have our problems but I have never questioned whether I loved him or not I always knew I did I just always questioned it for what seems no reason at all. I have done research on OCD but my thoughts have skyrocketed not just about my boyfriend but other things as well. I have had a variety of symptoms such as a fear of acting on an impulse to harm oneself,fears of acting on an impulse to harm others, fear of violent or horrific images in one’s mind, fear of blurting out obscenities or insults, Telling, asking, or confessing to get reassurance, feeling like I forget all the good times I had and all the memories and stuff, ▪ Feel like don’t love boyfriend for no reason at all and try to break up with him for no reason at all started out as doubts whether I loved him or not than became certain I didn’t things that used to make me happy before aren’t I’m constantly afraid I’m going to say insults to people or think mean thoughts about people that I never thought before in fact I rarely if ever saw the bad in others. I’m afraid I’m going to kill others not that I’d want to but when I’m having the thoughts I think I want to. I think I don’t love my rabbit anymore when I used to be crazy about him. I feel the constant need to tell my mom and boyfriend what I’m thinking harming him but he understands to a degree. I have anxiety symptoms too like a decreased sex drive that I never had before, dizziness, constant feelings of being overwhelmed, fear of dying, fear of losing control, fear of impending doom, think that I’m losing my mind and losing all my memories that I had before, Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings and a number of other worries like that I will kill my rabbit. At first these things seemed like fears but the longer I have them the more they feel real. So my question for you is simple should I break up with my boyfriend or not? Is this real or is this OCD? I'm starting CBT Wednesday but I just want to know if I should dump him or not? I'm not saying I want to but these feelings have turned to numbness and I'm scared even though I have moments of normalcy I truly don't love him. Also I almost ended ruining my relationship and ending it but a few months ago the doubts truly began as to whether I loved my boyfriend or not through a number of different questions such as am I forcing myself to love him? I love him but something inside of me is upset by loving him because not that I don’t love him my mind confuses my heart, mind, and body the thought of not being with him makes me sick but than I worry the thought of being with him makes me sick although there are no facts supporting the fact that being with him makes me sick but there is that I would feel sick and horrible and disgusting if I didn’t I want to stop having obsessive thoughts about this. My mind keeps thinking the only way to erase that is to be friends but every single time I try to be friends I stop myself or feel sick. The thoughts have been going on for a while and sort of warp the way I see him, my feelings, and everything making me hate myself. Sometimes I get thoughts of like hurting him, or saying mean things to him that I really don’t mean, or thinking that I wouldn’t want to do things with him that I know I do. It has also stopped me from enjoying our time together and from me being able to be the happy person I was before these anxious thoughts do you think this is anxiety or should I break up with him? because every time I hang out with him I'm tempted to say he's just a friend and seeing him as only a friend and forgetting him and the more I say he's just a friend the more upset he gets. I miss the things we used to do before this anxiety and I would like to know if it is anxiety or my brain telling me to leave him I cry a lot more than I ever did before to the point that I hate the idea of crying although I don't anymore which scares me and he and my family and friends are sick of hearing about it but these thoughts never die. Then when he does nice things I think I don't derserve them and that him and his mom are being too nice to me because I don't like the person I am currently. I need advice someone help me!! It's like I miss everything we were doing before this anxiety happened not that we had like things people my age do like sex but he's the sweetest most caring guy and I love him but now I'm feeling as if I don't and I don't like myself I think I'm scared to death I mean this man means EVERYTHING to me and yet I can't love him or act like I do and it makes me scared so scared because I think he deserves someone who doesn't have these problems he deserves someone who knows she loves him and it makes me cry because even though he's my first boyfriend and I'm only 19 he has done everything for me and yet I see him in a totally warped way and he's getting sick of it I mean it's horrible some days I forget the things we did and he seems like a stranger or a friend and it scares me because what if I'm not in love? I mean I keep thinking I'm not so it must mean I'm not I don't want a break from him because at this point taking a break will only make the problem worse I feel like I am a living nightmare the nicer he is to me the worse I feel because I don’t find myself deserving of it. I’ve also had thoughts about hurting myself or others even though this isn’t possible since I’m a pacifist and can’t hurt anyone especially myself. I have tried counseling I have tried everything I don’t want to lose him because even though I get thoughts I’m tricking or forcing myself to love him I feel sometimes the same way I did before. I need someone to tell me I’m not a freak and how to control this once and for all.Someone help me! Should I dump my boyfriend? he's amazing but perhaps he doesn't need a nut like me in his life maybe I don't love him maybe we should break up maybe I have no feelings for him anymore maybe I'm going insane nothing makes sense anymore I feel no love for him or anyone I feel nothing I'm living in a nightmare I have no reason not to love him I'm frantic I'm mad and my brain has convinced me I don't love him and keeps telling mean things about him I don't want to dump him I cry at the thought but it's been going on for months so maybe I have to and that makes my heart pace and neausea and I'm horrified I see like nothing in him and I used to see everything in him my life makes me sad and if I get rid of him my life may get worse but he deserves better than me It makes me feel horrible when he says I love you and when he kisses me it doesn't feel the same he seems like a stranger I'm upset and he deserves someone who isn't me and it doesn't help that him and his mom are so nice to me when I'm having these horrible thoughts and feelings I'm a nightmare Did I fall out of love with him randomly or is this anxiety I want to scream now it's not questioning it at all but there is no reason not to question it because I love him and he did nothing wrong I want to be like myself again

[darlyd]

Am sorry, find it hard to read your post in full.

Perhaps you need to go back to your Doc and explain what is going on.

[borci]

I then you need to go to your doctor soon.  I feel bad for you, I hope you can get some medication to help you.  Good luck

[Bubulous]

Hello and welcome to the forum,

It does sound like hints of OCD.  A lot of the symptoms sound like PTSD as well.  I am not a doctor and would be afraid to say but I will give you this advice.  The CBT definately helps.  Give it a chance.  Keep track of your moods every day in a journal or mood tracker.  This way you can relay the information to your doctor.  Be careful about diagnosing yourself but definately get checked out.  Catching symptoms early will benefit you greatly....Good luck