Lifelong Downward Spiral- Anxiety or Depression, or Both?

[Something23]

I want to get all of this off my chest. Writing this massive essay alone made me feel better.

I appreciate any feedback.

I feel as if I'm in a down-ward spiral that I can't control, and if not that, then I'm completely and utterly stagnant and rotting. The worst part is, is that I feel as if this is the end-result of problems that have been present my whole life.

I am a College student currently struggling with his academics, motivation, concentration, and what I now suspect is an anxiety-forced apathy and depression towards the world that has been present since grade-school. Probably the worst thing about this all is that I don't know if I'm just being dramatic and looking for excuses for laziness, or if I have a serious problem; this fear eats at me incessantly (which, may be a sign of another problem...).  

Anyway, background information; skip to the next line if you don't want to hear my life story------------------------------------

In first grade whenever faced with a difficult project that I just could-not get, I stopped. I threw my arms in the air and said no. Of course, this didn't suffice and eventually I was forced to work on the material through parental and teacher pressure, and support (I mentioned pressure first on purpose). This was not unique to me of course, but the problems continued.

In second grade I had a similar attitude, but I did do my work. More-so than anything else pushing me was the pressure to perform generated by my parents, but once again this was not unique to me.

But I did have unique quirks. For example, I literally fell asleep, compulsively, during in-class reading so frequently that my teacher just gave up and let me sleep.  

In elementary school I rarely did put extreme effort into my work. On difficult assignments I would procrastinate and ignore them until the last minute. Okay, perhaps I'm not being completely fair, for I was not a TERRIBLE student in elementary school. I did do my work, and I did well, but I looked for every way out of it, and on difficult subjects I tended to stress-out and ignore whatever I could. Usually it was the combined effort of teachers and my parents giving me the push to finish my assignments.

This trend of stress followed by me ignoring my problems has been a very reoccurring pattern in my life.

In middle school I did a 180˚. I became a very good student, and a very nervous one at that. I carried around with me literally every book I needed for every class. The extreme transition from a cozy protected elementary school to an open and "responsibility-focused" middle school was rough, for I became paranoid, and fearful of failure. In math and other classes (like foreign language) when faced with difficult questions and problems I would rip myself to pieces, I would bite my shirt, bite my nails (which has been a behavior that I still perform today to an extreme degree), bite my hands, cry, and express anger. In relaxing classes like art I would push over chairs just because the paint wouldn't obey my demands. I would frequently be sent to the guidance office, in a tear-covered mess.

After 6th grade I calmed down a bit. I still had extreme stress, but I was much more controlled in *most* situations. Despite my grades (which were good), I wasn't put into the school's advanced program due to the administration thinking that based on my previous outbursts it would be best for me to remain in the regular curriculum. I didn't care about this at the time, but it did begin to eat at me later, especially since the vast majority of my friends were in the program, making me feel alone and like a fool.

Middle school was over, and then came high school. Most of my close-knit group of friends went together to a separate private school, another close-friend and I went to another private school. In my freshman year I soon realized that I was completely alone. I had gone to schools with the same people for my entire life, and now I was in a foreign school with different people, and with no friends (my single close-knit friend was seperated for most of the time) and completely out of my comfort zone. All of this eventually accumulated into me being too afraid to even go to lunch, for I feared having to speak to foreign people and ask someone to sit down at "their" table. I ended up hiding in the bathroom every day. For 3 years.

Of course, that's pretty traumatizing, but eh... No one but me (and now you) knows that, so you should feel honored (and if you're still reading, you're quite the champion!).

In highschool I became extremely paranoid, over-compulsive, and nervous. I finally became proud of my own academics. I got great grades, and generally I did pretty well.

...But behind that, I had huge problems that were eating away at me. I couldn't take criticism well, I began to become paranoid of my friends (who formed their own clique' within our friend group, making me feel even more alone), and whenever faced with failure I took it violently. I began unleashing anger through self-harm and generally I felt horrible for performing less than I had wished. But hey, at least I had good grades right?

I may be making it out to sound worse than it was... But you know, when you're writing this stuff down, it starts to get at you...

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Anyway. I graduated with an A average, and went to college. I loved college, for now I could finally be introverted if I wanted to without making me feel like **** (or so I reasoned).

...But then the work started getting harder. I soon started taking harder and harder classes that give me extreme difficulty. Old problems have started to re-appear, for I find myself drowsy and sleepy in class even when I get a good night's of sleep. Anxiety and fear are at an all time high now that I have to decide what I'm going to do with my life.

...especially now that dearly loved relatives are passing away.

This current semester is horrible. It doesn't help that the courses are upper-level courses, but I genuinely
can't function.

I've felt like a complete zombie lately. Time flies by, INCREDIBLY fast, and I feel like I'm never 'with it.'

I don't pay attention in class, and instead my mind incessantly ponders random topics. I find that I'm now arguing with myself, telling myself to stop thinking, to shut up, to pay attention... I'm trying to give myself structure but it's not working because ultimately I undermine it completely.

I can't take tests anymore without exploding. All the information flies away, like dust in the wind and I'm left dumb-founded. It has gotten so bad that I at times I think I'm mentally retarded. Fortunately at least I can still write, so there's that.

My grades have fallen hard, but I don't seem to care. I initially thought it was due to depression, and since then have seen a psychiatrist who agreed (I didn't go into this much detail). I am now taking minor anti-depressants and adhd drugs, but I don't think they're helping as much as I had hoped.

I now suspect I may be suffering from extreme anxiety that may be the root behind everything. This anxiety and stress that has been a life-long issue that has undermined me at every turn...

But I don't know what to think, or do. I'll go see my psychiatrist soon, but I needed to get this off my chest now before I go more insane with finals right around the corner.

Anyway, there's my story. I don't know what is wrong. I don't even know if there is anything wrong and if it's all inside my head. I legitimately feel crazy, I'll go from periods of sadness, to anger, and then to self-anger, and then to apathy.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading, and even if you didn't this helped tremendously.  

[RsashaN]

I feel as though im a bit late here, but it seems like you have all the symptoms of manic depression (bipolar disorder). This disorder is commonly mistaken with ADHD or ADD, which explains why your doctor prescribed you medication for that. Manic depression creates ups and downs in your mood. For some period, you might feel extremely depressed and unwilling to complete simple tasks. While after a period of time (can be days, weeks, or months) you feel like you have all the energy in the world. You feel like your floating and can do anything, but you can have random outbursts of anger at simple things (such as paint). Manic depression can be controlled with the correct medication. Good luck to you!

[ggreg]

DEAR SOME,
I read it all, but then again I'm a writer (and reader) and enjoy stories.  My whole family likes to tell stories, we're a small mob of raconteurs.

I saw myself in you right off the bat, and feel I can lend a slight insight into your difficulty.  It's concentration.  You see, one time I had been very sick, and then they put me in a psych ward (a mistake...I was in a semi-coma state from adrenal insufficiency), and they gave me an IQ test, beginning about mid-morning.  I was led to believe it would be short.  NO, it most definitely was NOT.

Now, I would say I'm above average, but no genius or anything.  So, I did reasonably well to a point, and then reached my limit.  The test began with fairly easy questions, over and over, until I started getting hungry for lunch (missed it entirely), and I became tired of a too-long test.  So, that's precisely when the test lady started to ask me a series of questions to figure out some sort of ridiculously long question, you know the kind where Frank gets on an almost full train in Chicago, Elmer gets on in Los Angeles, George and Gina get off in New Orleans, so how many people are on the train?  HAHAHA.  Well, at that point, I drew a complete blank, and just threw up my hands and did not even try to answer.  Did this three times and finally told the lady I wanted to end all this testing.

You see, I thought this was going to be a short test, and my concentration lasted a very long time on a bunch of relatively nonsensical type stuff, and I tried very hard to score perfectly, but when the questions really were for the hopelessly brilliant, I suddenly reached a dead-end.  Now, I wasn't in the first grade like you were.  Nope.  I was about 60 years old, incorrectly put in a psych ward ("I'm not supposed to be here"...."Sure, Ms. Smith, just return to your room now" type thing).

And I was taken to the limit of my concentration and simply could do no more.  This is why I think you have a concentration glitch, which actually is your mind is wandering.  By the way, if you don't eat breakfast, there's an instant cure...eat three squares a day.  SMILE.  But to the point, you have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are a plenty smart young man, what with your history of As, but it's hell achieving that aptitude you have.

Let me tell you, when folks stand at the bottom of Mt. Everest, they of course wonder what in the world are they doing out there trying this insane thing!  But they have practiced mountain climbing for years and years, have climbed many high peaks in diff countries, and they decide to go in a group with a leader, and by golly they go up and most of them come back down.  But "most" doesn't figure into their equation.  They keep up with the pep talks, remembering all the mountaintops they've reached, and actually recall the joy in simply climbing up a mountain!  These are very much goal-oriented people, they absolutely love the challenge of climbing, it's like everything fits together perfectly when they're up in the clouds.  I'll bet you could pick at least three things that you like to do and that make you happy and are not particularly hard, all things considered.

Well, for you, these work assignments in school, if you lose your concentration, unless someone pressures you, you don't get anywhere.  You also need support, as all people do, especially in school, be it family, regular friends, and school friends.  If you want more friends, here is a perfect practice for you and is spiritually correct:  Be kind to everyone.  Yup, just go out tomorrow, and every single person you come in direct contact with, be nice to them, don't complain, don't be weary and dredged, just plain be good to people, and let me tell you, they will feel better when you're around.  At the same time, once you make a few friends, it's okay to whine about such-and-such teacher, and they'll probably say, "Oh, yeah, I HATE that teacher, too!  I had her last year."  And off you two can go sharing the awful awfuls.  But basically give yourself a break and be a pleasant soul.

Now, you have very adeptly managed to concentrate well enough thru nearly your whole schooling time to make good grades.  It was very hard on you, but you managed it.  But it was at the cost of your own self-esteem.  You think because you have to think harder than others do, it ain't fair and you're gonna throw a basketball at the principal.  Ummmm, I don't think so, bro.  

Think of people who have dyslexia, where letters are all turned around upside down and backwards.  If you want to know what that's like, if you see a sticker on a window and can stand on the wrong side, try to read it.  Takes a long time, and sometimes it's REALLY hard to figure some words out.  But get this:  Those people don't sit in an alley and rot.  They know they have a problem with seeing letters correctly, so they work at it and work at it, until one day they can get through a book not in six months but in one month, a couple hours a day, with a couple days off.

Well, consider yourself deficient in concentration.  For some reason, you have not accepted that you've got this problem, but you ARE able to overcome it with a lot of work.  You need to sleep well and eat well to overcome this difficulty you've got.  So, accept it and move forward as best you can.  But don't jump all over yourself for having to try harder.  Life is not easy for ANYONE, but in different ways.  Close your eyes in your room and try to walk around it, that's being blind.  Sit in a chair and realize that's how you're going to have to get around for the rest of your life, is in a chair.  That's being wheelchair-bound from paralysis.  The list goes on.

I hope my reflections catch you in the mirror and you'll see that sometimes learning or studying stuff is hard for you, so you have to be in tip-top shape most of the time, but give yourself a break too, don't expect too much.  Getting a bunch of B's will get you into a good state school, but not necessarily Harvard.  But if you are one of these folks who want to go Ivy League, read Michael Crichton's nonfiction book, "One L," about his first year in law school at Harvard.  Talk about tough work!

I might suggest, too, just cut back on how many classes you take each semester or quarter... you don't have to take a full load.  And I used to fool around with my schedule so I spread out my classes to two or three classes per day, with the two on Mon-Wed-Fri...and getting off early on those days.  Makes for a nicer weekend.  And as for studying, the key to good grades aside from your regular concentration work, is when your classes are done that day, get a snack at the Student Union, and then go to the library and do all your homework, unless you like regular reading assignments in your room.  You want to get all the hard work over with in as short a period of time as you can, and then you'll be DONE with it, you will have reached a little goal every day.  And if you run into trouble with some homework, save it for later in the day, maybe even get a tutor for some classes that are always a wreck.

Keep us posted.  Seeing a psychologist is a good idea, especially one who is good and who you trust and like.  I have no idea what to do with your concentration issues, other than the little bit I've offered here.  But I almost right away saw it was a concentration issue because it was like that IQ test I did at an age that NOBODY should take one of those.
GG