Making myself sick

[Mynx537]

I feel ashamed writing this but I've been making myself sick. Nothing like eating something and then vomiting it back up but I've been neglecting myself by refusing to take my medication for my illness.

The reason why is mostly because I'm currently out of work with my illness but in the times before I was diagnosed my family always asked me if I've found any jobs and how many I applied for and so on.

Since being on long-term sick I knew that when the time came for me to be fully better I would be looking for jobs and applying for them all over again. And the current job market at the moment is tough. I also know that when I would be fully better, my grandparents would be back to their old ways of asking me the usual questions: "got a job yet?" "got an interview yet?" "how many jobs have you applied for?" And so on.

I don't want to make myself sick as I already know right now I don't feel good at all but I just don't want my family to hassle me over the whole thing. I've already spoken to my counselor who has advised me to perhaps invite my grandparents to a counseling session so they could have some idea of just what I am going through but my grandfather in particular does not believe in mental health issues and stigmatised me when I had general anxiety. (he told me I need to be taken to a mental home).

So now I feel completely lost and I don't think I've got the strength to go to my doctors and tell them what I've been doing as they'll more than likely put me on anti-depressants.

I don't want to kill myself, that's not it. But I feel that I know that by making myself ill means that I won't need to be as worried about my family hassling me. It sounds a bit strange actually.

Just...why do I feel so bad? :(

[Mynx537]

Thanks for your reply.

I don't think my grandparents even know I go to counseling. My mum and stepdad do as they understand that someone with a long-term health condition like me needs some sort of emotional support but I think because my grandparents come from an older generation they tend to frown upon depression/mental health.

[Mynx537]

Thanks for your reply. :)

I've spoken to my grandfather on numerous occasions when I was first diagnosed with my illness and although he has asked me questions about what it is and what it does and so on - I even went as far as to create my own website to explain to him and everyone else who knows me about it, too.

He seems to be under the impression that as I was given the medication for it that I should be feeling better, but with what I've got that's not the case. It takes a l-o-n-g time for them to work and for me to feel better.

My mum and stepdad know the hassle my grandparents give me and have told me to my face that they do give me stick for it.

I was in my last job for eight years and for about half that time I had no idea how sick I was getting. I just kept going. My grandparents don't understand that as my grandfather worked as a top regional manager - someone who decides who to hire and who to fire. He was always happy in his jobs. I, however, was happy but my health was dragging me down. So that might be where he and I disagree.

[remar]

I think having your grandparents come to therapy with you is a great idea. Many people that don't have depression just can not understand what we go through. Your therapist can really help your grandparents understand what you're going through.

[qilal]

Remember your health always comes first before any job. Maybe your family don't understand about your sickness or don't really believe you that you are sick, i hope you get better soon n found good job that suits your needs good luck