Confused in many ways

[joe173]

I am afraid of people. I wanted to be true to people but my behaviour is always false in front of them. that is my actions, expressions in front of them. if i want to meet my project guide, i prepare myself with some questions and answer, ie, if she ask about this assighnment i should say this, the next question this answer it goes on. without this i cannot speak in front of her. Even to my parents i do so. I never exprress my thoughts properly to other. I avoid arguments any kind of arguments. Even my body language, facial expression, everything is false.

I medidate upon the mistakes i have done. I am also afraid to do mistakes...always cautious. I talk to myself all the time. I like to be alone. Think more about my future. I plan a lot but never implement it in real. Also i dislike my apperance - short, dark, small eyes, big nose etc- whatever is mine i hate it simply.

Sometimes i think i am mad.. i am not a blessed child.. some times beleive in god, doubt god, hate myself, worry about my parents - they spend lots of money in my studies, but my mind is always wandering.... TOTALLY CONFUSED. WHAT TO DO?   (sorry for my bad english.... I am badly in need of counselling)

[whodunnit]

Hey Joe,

I was much like you describe for many years. It was extreme shyness, embarrassment and a fear that people were looking at em etc. A form of paranoia really.

Where did it come from? Basically from parental training. I too was trained to avoid any risks, always be safe, never do anything outside the norm.

As a result I found, in retrospect, that I was afraid to talk, inititate anything with others. Once I became friends with them it was different but people I didn't know? Silent.

I also felt I was a chameleon in many ways, always adapting to what the others did and so on. It had limits, I usually ended up leading the little groups etc somehow. In later years I found out that those people generally felt I was "deep" and had some sort of power they couldn't fathom.

It was my depression. Extreme sadness of which I was unaware plumbed my depths and projected this image of a strong, silent type who opened up when known.

Weird but it worked somehow. When I finally told them, not long after I actually knew what had happened to me they rejected me totally. As if I had acted that stuff out deliberately.

Joe, I think that's when I finally learnt I lived for only me. If others didn't like what and who I was, then they could go jump. They do, usually jump and that's OK with me.

I agree counselling is the right path but it isn't easy when you have this restriction. I couldn't get past mine for so long. You can though as you know what's going on. I didn't.

[opus88]

yes Joe your last comment is correct you are badly in need of counselling....its not right you should feel this way abt yourself, you have to learn to love yourself and feel comfortable in the world....you sound like a perfectionist...there is no perfection in anyone of us Joe we all have problems too.
You sound like you also have anxiety issues and some depression going on also.?
I would strongly suggest you find someone you can feel comfortable talking too....seek out a doctor and ask for a referral to a good therapist, that would be a good place to start...there is nothing to be ashamed of son, lots of us out here have had or do have these same insecurities..
keep posting its a start to opening up to people
best to you...