Please don't judge....

[mandapanda928]

Sometimes when i get mad or upset or i feel like I've done something wrong i hit myself in the face or i pull my hair. I know it's stupid I'm a 21 year old woman and it's pathetic but I can't help it. I don't know what else to do when i get angry. I do have Borderline Personality Disorder so i know this is an impulse directed at myself. But it's beginning to make me really upset, is this something that i can tell my therapist? I never used to just get snapping anger outbursts at myself but it just happens when i get really upset, is there anything i can do about this? I am on medication, obviously it's not working too well. Also I have crying outbursts if i feel like I've hurt anyone's feelings in any kind of way , i feel like i should be punished. Or if I'm frustrated i just start crying and sobbing, for long periods of time. I don't eat a lot then sometimes I can't stop eating. I have the worst diet i don't eat healthy or i feel to sick to eat a lot of the time. I have major stomach problems, sometimes can't go to the bathroom, my stomach always hurts, is in knots. I have feelings a lot of being worthless, wish i was invisible, don't ever feel good enough. (this happens when I'm really depressed). I have the biggest fear of hospitals so if i feel really really sick i won't go. I most of the time feel like I'm in my own head , i think way too much and over analyze.
And if I'm feeling really really bad sometimes i throw up to punish myself.
Help? or opinions? Does anyone else ever feel these ways or am i a lone?

[mandapanda928]

Thank you Angela i'm going to my dr today and hopefully getting prescribed Risperdal to help with these irritable and hopeless mood swings. And that's funny that you say a punching bag me and my boyfriend were talking about it just like yesterday and i think that it is an awesome idea ! Probably going to look on craigslist and get one ASAP  . Thank you for your help xoxomanda

[Poo44clooner]

Many of the feelings that you are experiencing I have had and sometimes still do go through.  I can relate to the anger issue.  When I get overly angry about something I turn it to myself especially if I feel all alone in the situation like everyone is against me.  I used to take a hammer and beat my thighs with it and experimented with cutting for a very short while.  But clearly that is not the answer for you or me.  What I did was bought a punching bag at a local exercise store.....they run for about $60-70 for the 75 lb bag and the gloves.  I set it against a corner of the room and I just start punching and yelling and pretending that it is someone that has just recently hurt me.  I get everything out.  I say things to the bag and hit and kick the bag as if it were the person.  You might want to try that.
Also I have the same issues with food as you do.  Whenever I am distressed I run to food (the junkiest junk food I can get).  I am trying to stop using food as a destressor....it is really hard.  You have to separate yourself from the food and ask yourself what am I really mad or stressed about and deal with those issues in other ways like talking to someone who is a close friend or a family member or writing in a journal.  In other words, getting those feelings out instead of stuffing them down you with food and later paying the price with a sick stomach and extra weight.
Your stomach problems and being constipated sound like IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndome).  That is what I have.  You have to stop eating like that and start taking probiotics.  They have really helped me. Also my doc gave  me Lactulose which helps with my constipation, without it I bloat for days, have stomach pain, and am constipated for weeks.
You may want to discuss with your doctor your crying jags and feeling of worthlessness, etc., because it sounds like your depression is not being managed well.  I have major depression and it has taken years to find the right drug for me.  The newer drugs either didn't work or worked for a few months.  So he put me on Parnate which is an old drug and it has worked wonders for me.  I have never felt better.  That is not to say that I don't have my bad days like right now with the holidays.  I just don't like the holidays at all. I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe he needs to adjust your medications or try different medications on you.
Anyway I hope that I was of some help and I don't want you to feel alone.
Angela

[dunkey123]

I do the same i have bruises in my head now.........

[littlebit667]

I hope you do well,  your post showed you know you needed help, just not how to get it.  Do not be afraid to ask for help.  Take care and I am glad I could help in some small way!

[mandapanda928]

Thankyou so much for sending that i read it and it makes a lot of sense i like how it gives you things you can do instead of hurting yourself. Thanks so much it helped a lot ! xoxo

[littlebit667]

check this out.  I hope you can find help.  You sound like a good person who is too hard on yourself.  

http://view.fdu.edu/files/selfhurt.pdf