I have a lot of problems I need to tell people, as if that other post wasn’t enough. If you’ve read that one, you must really think I’m a **** up after this. I don’t care what people have to say, or what they think, but I need to say it, and I need to say it now. This is more of venting than anything. If anything you get to read a story; sure it’s a lot but be nice and at least read it please, thankies.
So here’s the thing, I’m tired of the fact that everywhere I go I get treated like ****, whether ignored or laughed at and what not. Granted, everyone somewhere will have a bad day, but why everyday? Sure life can be worse, but does that make everything ok?
6th Grade is of course when I started becoming my own person, and not who my parents want me to be. I used to try to skip school as much as I could because I was so miserable, I would even make myself sick so I had to stay home. School has always been difficult for me, but middle school is when it got bad. When I tried to stay home my parents would either beat the **** out of me or call the cops and try to have me ******* arrested. I had to go to juvenile court because I missed so many days.
Well, this is why I did that. One day at school a friend thought it would be nice to play a joke on me saying that her and my other friend where no longer my friends, so I’m like what the ****. So we exchanged bitter arguments and such, but my one ‘friend’ started telling her **** that I didn’t even ******* say. So the friend walked up to me and said, what the **** did you say about my mom? I said what?! I didn’t say **** about her! Well, no one would believe me, and then the whole mother ******* school was against me over that, as if people weren’t mean enough. So that day was lovely. On top of that this fuckass was like, my friend thinks you’re a fat ***, and this kid yelled at me, I don’t even know why.
Next day, her sister was waiting for me at school. She was all, you ******* freak I’ll beat the ******* **** out of you ***** I hope you ******* die, and she did that for about a month. I didn’t say anything; I was pretty used to hearing that type of thing. So I got to my first hour class. This kid kept kicking my chair. So I said, please stop kicking my chair. He said **** no you ain’t my momma, which was kind of humorous but still. So I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. I was getting really pissed off. So I said what the **** stop kicking my ******* chair you ******* piece of ****. He was all Jesus you look like you’re gonna kill me. I said, if you shut the **** up I won’t. Then I got to third hour, second was ok-ish. I sat down, I was kind of looking at my desk and my teacher said if you aren’t going to pay attention get out of my class!!! I was paying attention. GET OUT OF MY CLASS! Where do I go? I DON’T CARE! Ugh that ******* ******* hated me, I swear. So I went to my science class, that teacher was nice to me. Kids were all oh he likes you and all that lovey-dovey **** blah-blah-blah. So I’m like whatever, **** you. Then I get out of there finally, and my next teacher was giving me an attitude and made me look like a moron, so everyone was laughing at me, how nice. Then there were ‘electives’ classes, which are ‘supposed’ to be fun; this one kid was with her friend and pulled her down, but I was there and the same teacher that sent me out was there, and thought I did it, which makes no sense at all. He was all I’m writing you a referral. At this point I wanted to strangle someone. No matter what I told them they wouldn’t believe me, I wanted to cry. I had to have ISS, or in school suspension, for some stupid **** I didn’t do. THEN I finally got in my elective when there was about 20 minutes left. This kid wouldn’t shut up or some **** so the teacher moved him, next to me of course. Well he was all ew I’m not sitting by her she’s against my religion, some ******* ****. Then THAT class was ******* laughing at me, let me tell you this, good damn thing I didn’t have possession of a gun, or I would have shot every mother ****** in my sight.
You know what, that is basically how every day was, and still is, endless ********. I would look around see people with there friends, and I wanted to shoot them just for smiling, it hurt so much. Why was I any different? I’d come home and cry myself to sleep as I’m being bitched at by my annoying parents. I love it when they would tell me to shut up. They had no idea about anything that was going on with me, no ******* clue.
Enough of school, it doesn’t matter as with most things involving me. I dropped out in 9th grade. So growing up as a kid, I had plans on becoming someone important; I wanted to be a part of history. Well the hell with that now. I’m not even in ******* school, so the best I’ll ever get is some ******* retail store!
I’ve been overweight since the age of two, this year I’m turning 17 and I weigh ******* 120 pounds more than I should, as in I’m about 260 lbs! You know how much that sucks! It’s such an overwhelming amount to have to lose, it seems merely impossible. My whole life, I don’t know what it’s like to actually live. That’s all I want, I want to live a normal life. I’ve tried to lose weight so many times, nothing will work. I don’t want to be stuck like this forever. I want to be happy, what if I die tomorrow, what a waist.
Yes, yes, I KNOW it can be worse, and I need to stop looking in the past.
Also, I don’t like my anatomy; I don’t want to be a girl, I don’t. You can laugh, or look down on me, go ahead. I cry about it almost every ******* day, because I know I can’t change this. I could, but I could never afford any form of surgery or hormones. It’s the most horrible feeling, I can’t even describe it. Think of yourself as the opposite gender; I feel embarrassed to live. I’ve always felt this way. My parents don’t accept this AT ALL, they tell me I’m pathetic, they tell me I’m a **** up, you know what, they’re right. I had to tell them in the worst way, I wasn’t even ready to tell them, they forced it out of me. They didn’t like it when they found out I was bisexual, but this was WAY worse. I feel so much emotional devastation, like you could never know. I don’t even look like a girl, I mean I’m one of those people where you can’t even tell. Hmm is that a girl or a guy? ********.
There’s even more. I have orthodontic issues, I have what you call an ‘under bite’, which is ******* ******** as well. Why me, WHY? He told me about 3% of the mother ******* population or something has this problem, I mean what the hell! What kind of ****** *** life is this!!! It’s not noticeable at all, I hope, but it’s really uncomfortable.
There are just days where I’ll lose it, I’ll beat the hell out of my door and scream manically, because I can’t deal with this. I broke my door frame a few months ago… but I don’t care, whatever right?
Yes, I have ‘friends’, but they only want me under their convenience.
I’m not looking for your sympathy, or your pity. I just need help, because I’m simply confused and haven’t a clue as to where to start, because something needs to change, and it needs to change soon, or I won’t be here much longer. I’m so stressed at night, thinking about all this **** and how my life is going absolutely nowhere, I feel like I’m having a ******* heart attack half the time.
I’m ******* devastated with guilt and hate, it literally is tearing me apart, I can’t take it any longer…