Ready to give up

[lonewolf07]

I'm really scared of committing suicide.  I see a therapist who does not hand out meds easily but she can't be there  all the time.  This weekend I nearly jumped in front of the subway.  There are times when I take over the counter meds intending to commit suicide.  I HATE IT!!!!  The reality is that I have had a number of losses that all came around the same time.  Now I am facing another loss over which I have no control and I'm scared of the helplessness and despair that make me want to commit suicide.  It's like hanging on by my fingernails.  My emotions and spirit hurt.  I want to make some changes but fear I'm too old to get a job, that I can't focus - there's more but don't want to write too much and bore everybody.  I don't think I really want to commit suicide or I wouldn't be afraid of doing it but am scared that an impluse might make me do it because hanging on is so difficult.

I'm hurting and in emotional and spiritual pain - like that Trent Reznor song sung by Johnny Cash "Hurt", that song really hits home.   I can't be any clearer.  I hurt and I'm scared I'll commit suicide.  Am afraid someone will say, "Do it and make the world a better place."

That's it.  Didn't mean to take up so much time.  After reading the posts on here I wonder if I have any right to inflict  my pain on others.   Fear of judgement or rejection.

lonewolf07

[lonewolf07]

Hi

Can't seem to find your private message.  But I'm no Einstein when it comes to computers or finding my way around these forums.

lonewolf

[lonewolf07]

Hi

I'll have to look for the private message; I'm still learning how to use this site.

Well, after the initial posting and the responses, it looks like I took their advice and stuck around = )

I know I will backslide and have setbacks but sometimes just knowing this helps a little bit.  When I feel suicidal I can't imagine anyone caring about me.  Often I try to focus on my cats and dogs - not ready for people yet.  Animals give unconditional caring and ask for very little in return.

You can't cook either?  Every time I go near the stove, the dog runs upstairs and hides  because the fire alarm always goes off.

Appreciate your message.

lonewolf

[Summer123]

I sent you a private message.  Hey, I'm 53 years old, don't work, can't cook, can't clean, can't do anything, have no friends or no family who give a damn about me and I'm still telling myself that I'll wait a little longer before I do myself in.  If I can wait, so can you.  Perhaps you will see that you at least have someone who cares about you and will want to live.  Stay around.

[el_dave]

Unfortunately, Pedro used parts from his Lear to spiff up his 'chair upgrades. Golly gee, I sure wish you weren't so far away, people like you are hard to find. Pedro is serious, and why not? We all enjoy the occasional race on our bikes, in our cars, on foot. Uncle P has to be confined to that chair, but he figures that's no reason to confine himself further, and he can't seem to find folks down there in Orlando who want to play.

That's okay, Sweetling's Mom has a powered wheelchair rusting out back. As soon as I have some time I'm going to talk her out of it, trick it up, take it down there and show him the futility of trying to outrun ol' Dave. Just because I'm not confined to one doesn't mean I can't get into one!

Gee, I was naturally refering to what type of polish you were using. I figured product endorsements were a no-no since otherwise the forum would be full of disguised product advertisements. Now, what on earth were you thinking?!  (Please describe in detail, we all need some spice for our tamales!)

I suppose that since those PhD types I was mentioning were all EE it makes a difference. Other than in the area they specialized in, they were just like everyone else. But get into their area of specialization, forget it..

Anyway, I must run. I've been talking about mowing the lawn all day, and no matter how much I talk about it the stuff just refuses to lay down and bag itself. Lawns are just SO uncooperative that way.

I shall return! (I heard that chorus of groans from over the horizon!)

[lonewolf07]

If I had a penny for every time I've pushed my glasses from sliding down my nose when I'm not even wearing them, I'd be rich.  I understand about the "polishing my cane" reference and since I am an elderly old prude, I'll pretend I don't understand what you are referring to .... hmmmmph .... the nerve  LOL

Your Uncle Pedro sounds like an interesting guy.  I'll race him but I should tell you, I put nitrogen in my fuel to make the wheelchair go faster AND I have added boosters to the turbocharger, designed by my dear, dear friend - the little old lady from Pasadena.  If Uncle P still wants to race, I'm willing.  Does he prefer New York, Orlando or can he  fly his private jet up here to Canada?  One of the things I've always wanted to do is learn to "drive" a motorcycle.  I've tried dog sledding a number of times and really enoy that - the power those dogs have.

When I got my PhD I was already "old".   Most of my colleagues, when they got their PhD's, thought they had all the answers.  All I realized was that I was still learning what questions to ask and that learning is a process that isn't finished by any degree.   Maybe the time I've spent in academics had changed my perspective but there are a lot of PhD's I don't respect since I've known quite a few who have gotten their degrees by politicking and butt-kissing (hope that phrase doesn't offend you).  On the other hand, there have been PhD types and elders with only a basic academic education for whom I've had a lot of respect.  I think that maybe the PhD types who were also skilled "with their hands" makes a difference.

Regarding the work thing - I spoke to a woman from the government who had been to a  seminar where the focus was on older workers and it turned out that data - stats, studies, etc. -  showed that when people in my age group (59) retired, they either began second careers or just did whatever they wanted.  However, there was/is a gap there in which older workers can fit in with their skills and experience, something a lot of the young 'uns don't quite have yet.  She was the person I spoke to about getting back into the workforce.  I know that during the six years I've been on disability a lot of things have changed and I'll have to fix up my resume, re-learn interview skills and even just adjust to the idea of working so I have requested a course of some kind that can help me with this.  I believe in being realistic but first I have to see what is "out there" and what I can do (without being cute) = )

I'll let you know what happens.   By the time the government gets moving, I could have been Captain of the Enterprise.

Really enjoy your messages and sense of humor.   Don't tell your mother she drives too fast or she'll slap you upside the head and make you stand in the corner.

En verité

lonewolf

[el_dave]

Aha, another one that can't be defined as 'depressed' for not brushing your teeth! Don't you just miss the heck out of toothaches and dentists? I've got you beat when it comes to looking for the glasses. I very often look around for them a while before realizing that I'm looking through them. I wish I was kidding. I had a comment about 'polishing your cane' that would get me thrown out of here for good, so lots of imagination will be necessary at this point. The turbochargers on your wheelchair, now we have to talk. Our Uncle Pedro does the same thing. He has Parkinson's disease, but being a New Yorker didn't want to let that slow him down. He customized his wheelchair for speed, and moved to Orlando, and tried so hard to get people to race him, and no one would. You and he really should meet, y'all could compare engineering notes, liven things up a bit. I thought it was pretty sorry that he couldn't find anyone interested in racing. The man is actually responsible for my acquisition of my first "real" (a/k/a BIG) motorcycle. A wonderful guy!

Gee, I used to work in a place where there were nothing but PhDs and me. About a dozen of them and one of me. They were all professors in an EE Dept. of a University, they had me there so students would graduate knowing how to solder as well as how to calculate. I gained VAST respect for the degree from those people. My brother in law is also Chairman of a University Department, of course has his PhD, and I find that he is just plain flat sharp as a tack.. and he can relate to and get along well with every level of person he meets. I suppose it matters what a Doctorate is in, but I've yet to find one that I didn't respect

Mom retired at 75 too, and is still driving around at 84. She drives too fast, I think. But then she always did. In this town we have thousands of college students competing for every job. People hire a wonderful, charming, bubbly, cute kid over a grizzled old biker every time, regardless of skills. A kid can be taught skills, a grizzled old codger can't be taught to be cute. Believe in the power of positive thinking, and let's be positive they'll recognize your abilities and no cute kids will be in line with you and you'll get a job. I know you said you'd take anything at all, but I'm going to believe you'll get a GOOD position that you really want and that will bring you happiness. Okay? So let's see what happens.

Abuelo El Dave

[lonewolf07]

If you jumped off the second floor of your school, I doubt it woud result in your demise unless there was something really dangerous on the ground.

Are you genuinely suicidal or depressed or do you fantisize and romanticize death?  Some of our Elders have "gone through the curtain" that separates the living and the dead but don't speak about what is on the other side.  Although I am suicidal, there are a lot of times when I really don't want to see what is on the other side of that curtain.  Maybe I sound like a real hypocrite here but even though I'm suicidal I really don't want to go through that experience again ....  it was awful.

lonewolf

[lonewolf07]

Hi

I enjoyed reading your messages.  I was too busy polishing my cane, cleaning my dentures, looking for my glasses (which were on top of my head) and putting turbo-chargers on my wheelchair to use the computer yesterday = )

Got a very, very brief message from xJededx and hope he will use the forum.   There are some really caring, supportive folks out here.

Tomorrow I have to talk to someone in the federal govt about going back to work, after six years of being on disability.  She made me feel like the best I could do was say, "d'uuuuuhhhhhhhh" without drooling.  Actually, five years ago, I got a PhD which I realize means nothing in itself except for the ability to enjoy thinking (I really AM old to say that, aren't I?) and a certain amount of flexibility.  I don't have the kind of skills you have.  That makes me wonder how employers can think you are too old to employ when you still have skills and are able to learn more.  My uncle retired at age 75, gave  up driving at 80 and was still active and mentally alert when he died in his 90s.

In any case, I guess I'll have to wait and see what the govt. has to say.  That's pretty much how I am beginning the job search - surfing to see if there are programs or seminars to help ease me into the workplace.

That's it for now.

granny lonewolf  - hehe

[el_dave]

How are you sure that when you die you'll be happy? This is very interesting, that you don't say "maybe I'll be happy" or "I will no longer be unhappy", but you say "when I die I'll be happy". I'm no great fan of life, either, but hey, for all I know those Nuns in the schools I went to as a baby were right, and death by my own hand would lead to eternal damnation in a pit of fire. I prefer to think God would say, "C'mere, Dave, siddown, have a brew, let me explain to you why all that was necessary" but have no way to know. There may be no God, such that death is only blankness. Blankness is a cessation of sorrow, but is not happiness. If you can still want to be happy, I'm thinking perhaps you might not want to take the chance. We will all be dead one day, maybe blank, maybe in a pit of fire, maybe riding with Jesus.. the only sure thing is that that will come to you eventually. Since we don't really know what's on the other side, death is taking a chance. So is life! Because I don't care if you're manacled in the deepest pit of some dictator's castle, you never know what tomorrow has in store for you. May be worse, may be better. The only way to find out is to stay alive. You absolutely will know, one day, what's on the other side of the veil, that knowledge is like money in the bank. Please elucidate, how do you know you'd be happy as a corpse?

P.S. If you look and see I'm a 58 year old toothless old coot, don't let that keep you from trusting me. I love house music (not just to pretend I'm young.. the stuff is GREAT), ride my bike same as when I was sixteen, and am a lifelong criminal, so if some of the GARBAGE values of our society are behind your sadness, I won't defend those values. Why is it you feel so sad, anyway?

[el_dave]

Oh one last thing..I know what you mean about being skilled so possibly having a better chance at our age. I'm a licensed broadcast engeneer, a competent electronics technician, and have been accused of having satisfactory computer skills, so I get a LOT of the old "they'll hire you at your age because of your skills". In fact, other than employers, it's difficult to find folks who don't feel I'm eminently employable. The degree that's true is area dependent, though, and hopefully your area is better. One thing's for sure, you should surf around for jobs and apply for them, anything you think you might want to do, no matter what your chances might be of getting it. The only way to ensure failure is to not try.

[Tomboykimi]

i understand... ifeel like that 90% of the time. there are days where im tempted to jump off of the 2 story building in my school... im not afraid to die anymore either... i accually encourage it. becuase when i die... i will be happy.

[el_dave]

Hmmn, I see by the post after your reply to me that you've got some work to do. I'll try to be quick. Mom is 84, and much more active than I. Despite this depression thing, I'm pretty active, no choice. Mom worked until she was 75, xecutive level, they pracically cried when she left. Mom's very intelligent. She was slightly under my age when she got the position she retired from, but found a way to successfully lie about her age. Mom's one of those 'good citizen' types who would NEVER lie or cheat.. but when lying about being under 50 is the ONLY way to get a job, even such as she has to reduce her standards. Our employers are subject to that same age discrimination law. "We have selected a candidate better qualified..." is extremely difficult to turn into age discrimination, and the TV lawyers who are interested in my problems are all busy making new episodes. Getting up in the morning: yah, I know what you mean. Unfortunately I've always been a fella that got up when my wife did, couldn't imagine laying in bed while she was off to work, have my own business in the back of the house, which is getting really bad 'cuz I can't find the will to be active in it. I've GOT to get out of here, xJadedx needs to get IN here. Writing only "I'm extremely suicidal, I have no help" is still asking for help, and when I came here I only wanted help finding a cleaner exit than a bullet. I lied about my intentions, about "just in case". Since then I've taken 15 mg of mirtapazine once, got a flashback for my effort, taken 10 mg of paroxetine twice, got angry and a headache for my efforts, and taken maybe two hours of counselling with a social worker and several hours of counselling right here in this depression forum, and gotten to where I actually have hills and valleys again, not just a flat plane below sea level for my efforts. So I'm LIVING proof that you guys might help xJadedx find a better place yet remain on this side of the great mystery. I mean, really, sometimes I think: "we're all going there someday, whether suffering or joyful I'm waiting to die.  Since we've no clue what's on the other side of death, and since there's no way to escape finding out, why hasten the discovery?" But yah, that's while at the crest of the hill. Did I say I'd be quick? I lied.

[lonewolf07]

There are a lot of folks out here who can give you support, caring, advice on where to find a therapist, meds, etc.   Since I have openly stated that I am suicidal I don't mind  communicating with you all; I just wanted to let you know that there are a lot of caring people in this community.

I didn't see your entire posting - still learning how to get around on this forum.  Why do
you feel suicidal?  Suicide is a choice - maybe not the right one but still a choice.   Would you prefer to do something less drastic that will kill the pain instead of yourself?  I can't speak for anyone but myself but I know the overwhelming pain, loneliness, helplessness that led me to feel suicidal and to make one suicide attempt.

There is nothing profound that I can say except that I will communicate with you, honestly and openly if you feel comfortable with that.  Also, there are many others out here who will give you caring and support without negative judgement.  Suicide is a scary topic.  I think you want to kill the pain in your spirit, not yourself or you would not have posted a message here.

Not trying to be funny or trivialize your pain here but PLEASE do not commit suicide until you have talked either to a therapist, someone on this forum or even me.  I'm not
an expert; I can only tell you what I know.

lonewolf

[xwtfx563]

I'm extremly suicidal. i have no help..

[lonewolf07]

I'm really sorry to hear that you lost a friend.  Grief is a process and we don't all grieve in the same way.  Please do bring your "tears" to the forum.  You're right about the boring part too, there is that little mouse.  I can't relate to every posting and wouldn't presume to message someone whose problems I don't understand.

It is sad that this society thinks of us "old folks" as being less employable than younger ones.  Piccasso, Bethoven, etc. were "old" when they did some of their best work.  I spoke to an elder and she said if somebody had a problem with her age, she wouldn't want to work for them.   She is a bit older than I am and has a number of jobs in the Native community, most of them at the executive level.

When my #1 son got married, there was a lot of stress put on me to dye my hair gray.  That's right dye my hair gray and look appropriate.  I didn't do it =  )

Another comment - one of our cats is nearly 23 yrs old and he can still outrun, outeat and manipulate me better than the younger ones.  But I won't turn this into a rant about  age.

There is a definite prejudice against hiring older folks but I've been doing some research and have found that it is now a Human Rights violation to deny a job to a qualified person based on age.  Besides, I'm looking for "nerdy",  academic or consulting work, not to play pro football.

I am glad you will be joining this forum although I am sorry about your loss.  And yes I do find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning but I have always been like that - not a morning person.   Yet sometimes when the dogs wake me up and I see the sunrise, I  find it quite beautiful and cleansing.  But I know what you mean.  Many, many times after the dogs have dragged me out of bed, I just go back.   It's a safe place but not always the best place.

Thank you so much for your message.

lonewolf

[el_dave]

Bore us. Please, write a whole lot. Anybody doesn't want to read it, they have that little mouse right there. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that there are some of us out here.. well, at least one, for sure, who understand that when you say "too old to get a job" you may not mean only that you don't feel too old and used up (that's my term for it, anyway), but also that employers in our area(s) don't hire people our age. Things like that are part of what makes it so depressing sometimes, doesn't it? We just lost a friend last night, my wife and I, so I'll probably be coming here boring everyone to tears about it until it wears off a little. I'm identifying so much with what you wrote (initially), and when I saw we're right there age wise I had to write and say howdy. Say, do you have major trouble getting out of bed in the morning? I mean where it sometimes takes literally hours to convince yourself that there's any reason to get up?

[lonewolf07]

I have taken anti-depressants in the past and have found they work best for me when used along with talk therapy and even group therapy.  A lot of anti-depressants give me an allergic reaction; however, Prozac and its "drug family" seems to help.

It sounds like you have a difficult time of it (to say the least).  Words aren't adequate to convey my reaction to what happened to you.  At least you learned from it and did not commit suicide and subject your family to what you had to endure.

I really hope you are right and that it really does get better.

You seem like an extremely courageous man; lots of integrity too =  )

Thank you so much for your comment.  Please communicate with me anytime you want.  I'm a bit "slow" when it comes to computers, especially this one which is so old it cannot be updated but I will respond.   Hugs to you ....

lonewolf

[Spooty]

I agree with the others change doctors and get help, I have recently being diagnosed with ADHD and for 10 years I was treated for depression, I remember feeling so worthless that I did not want to be here I wanted to hurt myself, the one thing that stoped me was my family and my children, I would never put them through the mess that is left behind from a suicide, my father was an alcholic who suffered depression and hung himself when I was 15, I found his body, this destroyed my family, my mother abonded us when I was 9 and I had two older brothers that were 16 and 18 at the time, we were left orphans with no one, because of his suicide I had a nervous break down at 28 and was a depressed emotional mess, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because even though he had been dead 10 years the memory was still as clear and painfull as the day it hppened, when my doctor first pressed me on this I was shaking and sweating and had a full on anxiety attack and ran out of his office, my body was reacting as though I had just found his body, I got help and councelling and now after 10 years of anti-depressants I am now not on any medication except for my ADHD, please take it from someone who has been there that it really does get better.

[lonewolf07]

Do you mean do I want to commit suicide?   When I am stuck in the pits of despair with overwhelming feelings of pain, loneliness, lack of purpose, etc.  I think suicide is what I want.  When I feel a bit more rational, I reaize I want to kill the pain.

I think I have been unclear about my shrink.  When I said something about her not being there,  I meant in the middle of the night when my feelings of lonliness and pain are the most  intense.  As a therapist, she is good - doesn't push meds or use a lot of jargon, she mostly listens and makes comments.

Right now I just have to go one step at a time.  My cats and dogs are a real comfort and talking to some of the folks on this forum can be comforting too.

Hope to hear from you again.

lonewolf

[lonewolf07]

Hi

Yes, I have heard of CAMH and have used their distress line many times.  I think I have been unclear about my shrink.  When I said something about her not being there,  I meant in the middle of the night when my feelings of lonliness and pain are the most  intense.  As a therapist, she is good - doesn't push meds or use a lot of jargon, she mostly listens and makes comments.

I will take a look at their website.  Can imagine that it is scary and finding an affordable, competent therapist in this city is incredibly difficult.

Thank you for your comments.

lonewolf

[lonewolf07]

Hi

You're not a stranger anymore = )

I do go to therapy and agree with you about the combination of meds and talk therapy
is preferable to just meds.  Group therapy helps too if there is a group around.

Since my background is Métis (half Native, half white), I tend to follow Native ways but
I still do read the Bible.  It is a sort of one step at a time to get by, just like you said.

Hope to hear from you again.   Hugs to you ....

lonewolf

[rachael0406]

I am really glad that you are reaching for help!! i have been in your position, take 2 to three really deep breaths, make sure you talk to someone you love, just talk about anything!  Talk with a psychiatrist, or your family doctor, because it is proven that meds and therapy work very good together.  i am currently in between my meds trying to get another type, but i know these are somethings that help.  if you are spiritual read the bible, it calms me down.  or maybe just read about something you enjoy or use to enjoy to take your mind off of things.  but it sounds like you dont like your current doctor, you need to find a doctor you really like, that is very helpful.  its all a day by day thing for me.  is it like that for you?  in that case i hope my suggestions help.  please you can leave me messages and i will talk to you whenever you need ok!  please have a good day and smile, even if it is for a stranger like me!!

rachael0406

[Kali909]

Hi LoneWolf

Have you ever checked out CamH?

http://www.camh.net/

You can go in & people will see you ASAP. There are a few interviews, and the first one's a bit scary, but it's the start of a process that's excellent.

...And if your current doctor's associated with CamH, try another. I had terrible luck with therapists until I went there.

[Jazzygirl_96]

Is that what you want? Think about people who love you. Would you want them to be sad, because of your actions. I reccomend getting a new doctor A.S.A.P. You could always call a friend or relative if she/he's unavailable. Please stop and think about every good thing and happy times. Theres hope. Would u want to give them up? There's a new life ahead of you, but you have to find it.

Keep in touch,
Jazzygirl_96