Someone please help!! Can anyone relate??

[anxiouslysad_meli]

Hello everyone, I've been suffering from depression pretty much all my life, as with intrusive thoughts.. I had my first panic attack about 4 years ago due to intrusive thoughts.. What I later found out were symptoms of "Pure OCD".. I am constantly anxious also.. Sorry if I am confusing. The point is that I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD & I don't know what else. All of these, bring terrible and constant worry, fear, rumination, over thinking, sadness, feeling of impending doom, feeling like I will lose control.  I was on some pills, I don't know what it was, about 4 years ago but all they made me do was sleep and I didn't feel like they were helping so after a few days I stopped taking it. Ever since then, never again have I taken any medication. I have always been too afraid to speak with a therapist or psychiatrist until recently. I only went once and didn't feel like she was very understanding or knew what I was talking about so I stopped going. Anyways, it's a lot to talk about and write so thank you to anyone who will actually take the time to read this and respond to me.
I am suffering so much and it's horrible horrible HORRIBLE. I am tired of suffering in silence. I just don't know what to do anymore. There's days where I just feel like dying because I feel so alone and different. I feel like, no matter how much or how hard I try, no one will ever understand how I feel or what I go through. I am currently 7 months pregnant and pretty much the whole pregnancy I have been having these terrible disgusting thoughts about my baby girl. I have pretty much gone through every theme in OCD, the last episode I had was concerning my sexuality where I was scared to death that I was a lesbian. I couldn't even see girls in bikinis on T.V because i would instanly think I like them or was turned on. I gradually kind of got over it, but I still think about it a little sometimes, it's just easier to ignore now. Anyways, when I found out I was having a girl I was so excited and happy because I already have a boy but then the intrusive thoughts started coming, & I kept thinking that since I thought I was a lesbian, I would want to molest my baby girl. These thoughts make me feel like the most horrible vile person in this world. I don't think I deserve to be a mother. I should be happy and I do feel blessed, but I am not looking forward to giving birth or meeting my baby :( all because of this horrible fear that I will lose control or do something to my baby in impulse. I cannot stop worrying about this. Apart from this, I am going through a time of what I think is depression.. But it is very hard and strange to describe. It seems as if everything depresses me or makes me feel weird.. Some people depress me, certain places depress me, old school movies, dull places, dull colors, certain songs, things, idk!! It's just soo complicated to explain, to put in perspective.. I just want to know if there are others who feel this way? What's wrong with me?? Am I crazy?? My depression is on and off but if I am going through a depressive state of mind, whatever I do, wherever I go during that depressed state, is a reminder of my depression when I no longer feel depressed and becomes a trigger so I try to avoid anything that can serve as a reminder of that time.. I don't know if this makes sense? I hope it does to someone.. It's just hard to explain for me. The more memories, places and things get collected in my mind that my brain classifies as depression tiggers or reminders, the harder it is getting. It seems as more time passee, the list just keeps getting longer. I feel like I'm running out of good memories, and am afraid one day I will run out reasons to keep living for. The bad is just out weighing the good.. It sounds selfish but that's the last thing I want to be. If you suffer from these conditions, you understand how hard it is. I'm just scared one day I will be completely hopeless and just kill myself. Everything scares me. I hate the news and seeing how mothers molest their newborns or murder their children, those are OCD triggers for me and just add on to the intrusive thoughts and worry that I will be one of those moms. That is my biggest fear. I love my children, why can't I be a normal mother :,( That's all I wish for. To have a life where intrusive thoughts, anxiety and these depressive times don't rule my days, hours, weeks, months, years, life :(( My anxiety seems to have gotten worse during this pregnancy. Now I get bothered by how it sounds when people talk sometimes. I have an extremely difficult time trying to explain this, all I know is that sometimes when people speak abruptly or all of a sudden, like fast, my brain translates it as like fast motion and it comes off sounding like a desperate suprised tone.. Something like that. And sometimes I imagine things sounding like slow motion and I get completely devastated from this, it scares me so much. I think I will go completely insane one of these days. I don't know what it is.. Is it anxiety, over thinking, craziness or what??? I wish I knew :(( It bothers me so much. I don't know if it is real or all in my head.. Sorry for over writing, I have a tendency to do this and I just needed to get this off of my chest. My family doesn't understand or seem the least interested or concerned, they say because I look normal and don't seem bothered. I honestly don't know how I do it, to hide all of this that is going on inside me :( Thanks to whoever takes their time to read this. I really hope there is some feedback and someone can relate with me.

[RKMona777]

Reading your post made me remember when I was your age and was so depressed I thought I would never feel normal again.  I had been depressed and anxious all my life, off and on, as far back as I can remember.  I just didn't know what it was.  I thought I was going crazy.  Everything affected me and my mood.  I would avoid situations because they would bring on feelings that I had no idea how to deal with.  Long, long story short....there is hope and there is help out there.  There are caring therapists you can trust.  There is medication that can help!  There is a God who loves you and wants good things for you and your children.  Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts.  Through therapy and medication I found the cure.  Please find out all you can about anxiety and how closely linked it can be with depression.  Find out what anxiety is and how it can affect your thoughts and your perception.  Find out how it affects your body.  Anxiety produces feelings and as much as those feelings can bring panic and fear, please remember that in runaway anxiety, those thoughts are not rational.  You can learn to filter your thoughts and you can find peace.  It will require courage my dear.  It will be worth it.  With professional, caring help, you can find out what is going on in your present that is a result of your past.  You can find the right medication that will not harm you, preferably an anti-depressant rather than Anti-anxiety meds like Xanax and Ativan.  Those can be helpful but finding the right anti-depressant is very important.  They take about a month to start working (anti-depressants).  When people start taking them, sometimes they think the anti-depressant is making them worse but I think that in a lot of cases, it just hasn't started working yet and the depression is still running rampant.  Give the meds a chance to work.  Find a good talk therapist.  Find a support group!  Work through your personal issues.  Trust in God.  May you be blessed and healed!    

[Cricketk92]

Hi!  WOW  I could feel your pain and frustration reading this!  Depression and anxiety can be so overwhelming and the thought process that goes along with it can wreak havoc in our lives!  You have a lot going on right now!  It sounds like you really need someone to talk to! You said that you went to see someone once but they didnt understand.  Try looking for someone else, sometimes it takes a few before we find a good fit for us!  Try looking for someone else to talk to!  And being on the meds for a few days really isnt long enough for them to take effect!  It can takes weeks for them to start working in our system!  It might be something for you to look into again.  Its important for you and your children that you start to feel better and have some help with all of these feelings!  Its too much to handle alone!!!  Please try to find someone new to talk to and maybe get on new meds if the Dr thinks you need them!  I have found that meds have saved me when I was at the lowest point in my life!  I dont think I would still be here without them!  Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing!