Suicide.

So this is embarrassing but I find myself in a situation in which I feel I cannot talk about to anyone about. I have found myself contemplating suicide quite often. I know its pathetic and selfish, that my situation may be a joke compared to what other people go through but i am emotionally and spiritually drained. I keep telling myself that what I have gone through and continue to go through is all part of GOD's master plan for me; that I have to go through this in order to become the person he wants me to be. I strongly believe that I was destined to help children and teens that are going through what I've been through but... how can i help others when I can't even help myself?..

I have an (emotionally) abusive mother, a (physically) abusive father, a sister who's goal in life is to make mine a living hell, and extended family that are waiting for me to fail. I know that my sn (mom's guardian angel) may state otherwise but really.. all i've ever really wanted is for my mother to nurture, comfort, and love me unconditionally; something that unfortunately just isn't in the cards for me. i've always done everything my parents have asked of me, i've lived up to this fictitious story that i am their "perfect child" but it has never been good enough for them.

I beg all the parents out there... please don't make your children live up to that expectation. It fosters sense of failure, low self esteem and worth within us when we do not live up to that, most often than not, too high expectation. Your children will do anything to make you as parents happy. After all that is all we really want.. to make you happy and proud, and we will do that at any cost, even if it means making ourselves unhappy.

I am 22 years old and I still find myself seeking for that approval from my parents (isn't it pathetic?). Apologizing when I haven't done anything wrong, believing that when I am humiliated in public that I deserve it for not being perfect. Seeking to one day get that hug and hear "I love you because you are my daughter and I don't care if you are not perfect, as long as you tried". But you know what I feel like instead?.. you know those cruel ppl that hit their dogs.. they kick em but as soon as they call them to come the dog goes to them with their head down and tail between their legs?.. that's me. That's always been me.

... and i'm tired.