Depression Community
The Venting Thread - What's on Your Mind?
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The Venting Thread - What's on Your Mind?

This is a thread for you to just plain vent your frustrations about your illness. How it's effected you, if you're tired of treatment/medication, or if you feel people around you just don't understand. The only 'requirements' are that we keep the language clean, and we don't bash our fellow members as those will result in having the offending post deleted.

My goal with this thread is to lift each other up and offer positive support. If it becomes popular, we can do one a week.

Who wants to be first?
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Avatar_f_tn
hello
i am 41.i am suffering from depression,anxiety and obsessive thoughts.i can't work.i have a fatigue.
i am taking low dose of fluvoxamine and clonazepam.i know that i need to high dose of psychotropic medication.but i can't tolerate high dose of drugs.my family can't support me.they have never experienced any mental illness.i am living with my mother.my mother is sensitive about me.if i am sick,my mother become worried.she scares me.my life is full of fear.
thanks.
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok, here's my vent - First a bit about me; I have BPII with depression being the major part of it.

I am sick sorry and tired of people not understanding why I am unable to work at the moment.  Why can't people understand that no 2 days are the same for me.  That my moods and my energy are just not consistent enough to make me a reliable employee.  They assume that because I have good days that I must be exaggerating the bad ones.  They assume that I am avoiding work.

My other vent - the fact that others don't understand that anxiety levels fluctuate.  Some days i have less anxiety than others, there are days where nothing phases me, eg, I can get in my car and drive at night, then another night the mere thought of driving in the dark can send me into a panic.  They (friends) don't get this, they think I just can't be bothered and that I'm making excuses.

I'm tired of having to justify myself, tired of trying to explain, tired of trying to be how others think I should be.  Thing is if I removed the people from my life that have this lack of understanding I would be totally alone!  So its a case of "damned if I do and damned if I don't!"

Ok, vent over and thanks for listening.

Bulldozer
CL Bipolar Community

PS.  May start one of these on te BP forum!
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365714_tn?1292202708
For me one vent I have about myself is how unpredictable I feel. I can feel great, then next moment suddenly have a thought, any thought, then feel completely different.  Sometimes I feel down or under the weather with no reason at all. I feel physically drained, can't sleep at night.  I sleep longer during the day.  

I can't predict my moods. I seem to be up-down even within a day.  At least I haven't had very many hysterical outbursts lately. 2007 I could get to a point I felt like I was losing my mind and panic or get so angry that I would cause self harm.

I haven't had that lately, but I still don't like how I can go from being happy and positive to suddenly feeling lonely and depressed in no time.

I wouldn't be surprised if some of this stretches into the bi-polar spectrum. The only reason I haven't joined those communities because I haven't been diagnosed with it. I haqve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression on top of my autism, but not bi-polar.  I've narrowly missed being diagnosed ADHD.
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285927_tn?1349738033
I am going on 57, am bi-polar or manic depressive, whichever term you prefer. I have had all treatments from antidepressants, ect, hospitalized, in therepy, even went to a full gospel church, prayed for healing and even had my demons cast out.  I have done it all. I still have bouts but have learned to recognize the warning symptoms and for the most part have taught myself to remember that this too shall pass and hang on for dear life. I have to work even when I feel like I cannot or I will not eat or have a place to live. I absolutely hate it when people accuse me of being in denial because I believe you get to a point where you just make a decision to not allow it to run your life anymore. That is what I did and others tell me I am in denial and not facing reality. Geeze, I have lived the reality for over 75 percent of my life, what do they know? I simply got tired of being sick and tired and miserable, period.
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Avatar_n_tn
I'm mostly miserable all the time with bits of feeling better.  Imagine looking forward to ativan cause I know I'll lighten up.  I really need to get on something that will work and not make me sick.  People bother me, society bothers me, family and friends.  I'm actually not a happy camper right now, and lately not in the mood for acting either.  Acting, or being polite is how I've been taught and how I am.  I'm going to always be pollite and just stay away from the ones that are fake in this world.  I've been learning the bible on a podcast by vernon McGee.  He's to the point, but his accent is too thick.  It helps.  I hope God will understand my interest in getting to know Him better and in turn put me to some good use other than being miserable all the time.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am 23 years old. My depression and anxiety have brought on so much that I just can't handle. No one understands. They think that I can snap out of it. I can't. They feel saddness when bad things happen. I feel it all the time....and react differently towards things that upset me. My anger is out of control. I am always on the verge of crying,and I hate that about myself. Stress breaks me down and literally makes me sick. I cannot sleep at night without taking some sort of medication. I used to take prescribed sleeping aides. . . but the "high" feeling, just wasn't for me. So, now I just take 4 unisoms a night.

I hate explaining myself....telling people that I am tired. I really think that that is an understatement. I get so tired sometimes,that I am unable to talk or move. My body really breaks down on me. I have a job that keeps me on the phone 100% of the day... and I have to have a "peppy" attitude. That just isn't me. . . but it pays the bills. If I miss one more day of work, I will be fired. I am so afraid. I cannot predict when my body will begin to shut down. I cannot predict when I will be unable to say a word without crying.  I'm afraid of what this illness will do to me. My family doesn't understand...my best friend does, but I know that she gets sick and tired of hearing about it.

I feel so alone. all the time. I'm so sad, all of the time. I always feel like I am two seconds away from the breaking point. I'm tired of acting happy. I'm not. I don't remember the last time I felt extreme happiness.
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Avatar_f_tn
I know what you mean...everyone bothers me. . . and I just don't feel like acting like they don't. In a few weeks, I will be with my mother's side of the family....for a week and a half. I will not have any alone time. I will not be able to escape..because my home will be thousands of miles away. I love my family and really want to see them, but I just don't feel that I am ready for all of that.

When I become closer to God again, I want to minister to people and let them know..that depression is real. There are so many cultures that do not accept the idea of depression or any other mood disorders. . . this leads to people not understanding what to do when they know that they have it, or if they know someone close to them has it.
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585414_tn?1288944902
Well its difficult having two competing sets of medications. The Clonidine is helpful on my physical disability and moodswings and used officially in both regards and frankly I should have stayed on it. The Zofran as it turns out was worsening (temporarily) some aspects of my physical disability and worse yet was causing depression and frankly psychosis. I had no idea but I'm off it now and my neurologist will replace it as he finds something. So if I seemed a little burnt out or ticked off for a while there, I can't deny it but that's where it was coming from but the whole use of it is in study so they learn as they go along. The Clonidine however, not only helps on my physical disability but its a decent mood stabilizer and with the patch form it only has to applied once a week which is convienant so other than a weekly reminder I don't have to remember to take it everyday so at least that's one good thing. I wish there were more medications available in extended release forms of this nature.
  But I'm glad overall. Chances are I'll get out and about more. Its good to have a positive attitude and have the moodswings more under control and something that isn't pushing them in the other direction. Life goes on...
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Avatar_f_tn
I get frustrated that I'm not as supported with my new shrink. I had an intern for 6 months and I can't start to tell you how great she was. I'm now seeing her superior, and he's so cold. I've been trying to get my meds right, and I've had bad reactions to the last mood stabilizers, the first which worked started to shut down my kidneys. Depakote swung me into rages and depression badly. I finally last weekend weaned myself off it, I was on a low dose, but I knew I was going to end up in the hospital again if I continued.
I went into his office, thanked him for getting me in so quickly. I told him what was going on, he changed my doses of my other meds, then just said, "anything else?', and shooed my out of his office after 15 minutes. He told me not to come back until my meds ran out, I'm bipolar, it's not a broken foot! Have a little tact buddy. He's been so "matter of fact", it makes me uncomfortable seeing him. I don't have much of a choice here of whom I go see, because there are very few shrinks here, and waiting list can be up to a year long!

My moods are better, though I still have a short fuse, I have lost my temper with the person I share my dogs with, she yells at them a lot. I have tried to remain calm - but I put my foot down when it comes to animals.  I don't get why I get more mood swings then I did before my diagnosis. My original shrink said a massive depression can trigger all of it, it's just weird though. I'm trying not to take ativan every day. I also deal with pain issues, but because of medical issues I can't take most pain meds. So I'm stuck taking a really mild one, to have my shrink say it's all in my head, I challenged him and said that my CT scans must be lying. Since then, I've been pretty angry at him.

So that's my vent/rant :)
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Avatar_f_tn
I feel dizzy all the time.  I don't want to do anything.  I can't go out without anyone thinking that I'm drunk because I stagger all the time.  I can't really hold a thought without rambling in my mind.  I am tired of this.  I had a good psydoc and he had to move to talke care of his elderly parents.  My doctor now tries, but I can't really relate to her.  Thanks for listening!
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Avatar_f_tn
Get a new doc if you can, that's a side effect of a med --( unless you are mixing meds that your doctor doesn't know about. ) Get to a doctor period, there are other drugs out there!
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't know how to handle stress anymore. Instead of dealing with things the way normal people should, I would much rather just go to sleep and forget about everything. Everytime I get extremely upset, I take some sleeping pills to fall asleep as soon as possible. I forgot that I tend to do this,until tonight when I became extremely upset,and just took some pills so I wouldn't cry....so I wouldn't get upset...or say anything else that I would regret...and just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow, when I was over it.

This never works ...long term. But it helps "right now". I don't like to get upset...it really scares me...and I know that I need to deal with it....but, sometimes I just don't want to. . . sometimes I am afraid of how upset I will become.
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460185_tn?1326081372
What I don't like about being depressed and anxious is not only that it prevents me from doing things I want to do, people who don't suffer from this disorder tend to think being depressed is being lazy and being anxious is being weak.  Try telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon and when he can't, call him a lazy weakling.  We can see a broken leg but we can't "see" depression and anxiety.  For some people, if they can't see it, it doesn't exist.




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Avatar_f_tn
I totally agree with you lonewolf, I couldn't have said it better!
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693583_tn?1366769531
I totally understand what you're saying wolf! I guess my frustration is that now that I am sober, my inability to deal much with my dad, the raging alcoholic, breaks my heart and bums him out which in turn makes him drink more I think. How screwed up is that? He can't understand that dealing with him when he's drinking and I am HAPPILY sober stresses me out and drives my mom up a freaking wall! On top of that the isolation of getting sober after 19 years of being wasted can be frustrating at times. But I am a solitary person by nature so I deal with it. The people from my partying days seem to act like I am a social pariah now that I don't party and I get the feeling that people think I have an attitude that I am better than them because I'm trying to do something different with my life. Having lifelong depression and anxiety and trying to reinvent myself while people (like my boyfriends family and old 'friends' if you can call them that) second guess me can get me upset from time to time but screw them, they just don't know me that well and they haven't walked in my shoes. I just have to have thick skin and because I am not the norm (31 and thrilled to not have kids AND be sober) I feel like I am looked at like I am some kind of weirdo, like that's a bad thing! I am weird! That's why I love this site. We've all got our quirks, that's what makes us interesting!
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614508_tn?1265285322
I'm tired of the SHOULDS...I SHOULD be exercising, I SHOULD be working, I SHOULD be more assertive, I SHOULD try and control my moods, I SHOULD a better daughter, mother, wife, friend, sister, volunteer, advocate, housekeeper. I SHOULD be less/more organized, worried, anxious, stressed, rested, vulnerable, protective of myself, assertive, quiet, reflective, outspoken, let it out, keep it in, stay in the boat, rock the boat, thinner, fatter, my hair straighter, shorter. I SHOULDN'T let it get to me, listen to what they say, think about it, ruminate about it, get tangled in the family web, over do it, take on too much, take on too little, say yes all the time, put my feelings first or last, try for perfection because it is elusive, make any expectations of myself or anyone else. I SHOULDN'T make any plans because you and I will feel less of me when I bail.
So instead I sit in relative paralysis not knowing anymore what I SHOULD want.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am also sick and tired of the shoulds.... everyone has their two cents about what I should do....alllll the time!
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Avatar_f_tn
I need to get a job.... I need to do something else rather than sit down all day... but... I have no energy to, and this makes me more depressed and the more depressed I am, the less energy I have to seek a job in the first place...
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460185_tn?1326081372
As difficult as it might be to accept, your father is the only one responsible for his drinking.  You managed to find the strength to get clean and stay clean and he will do the same thing.  Why do I think he'll stop drinking?  Because he married your mother, a wonderful woman and had you, a wonderful daughter.  He has every reason in the world to get sober and live a long, happy and prosperous life.  You have to look after you.

BTW, I agree with the "should" issue but how can the word "should" be deleted from the dictionary without saying it "should" be?


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767953_tn?1235398631
i am so frustrated of my negative thinking in my head every single day going through my depression and i am trying my best to stop beating myself up for past mistakes i have made. i mean i got test for hiv last month but the thought of having it is still in my head. i cannot function in daily life without my mind telling me this day in and day out. it hurtful and frustrating and i cannot deal with it at times. i just cry and cry. i am trying so many different ways of being positive and talking myself into knowing in my heart and soul that i am fine and there is nothing wrong with me but i feel that my spirit is not as strong as it used to be and my positivity is not as strong as it used to be. my depression and anxiety has me so worried and anxious and scared. i truly want to get over this and i feel sometimes that God is not listening to me and i feel so alone and i just want this to go away. i have never been in such a state in my life. i have always been a positive person who was able to bounce back from any situation but this one i cannot bounce back. i believe God is trying to teach me something about myself and for me to take better care of me. i used to take care of everyone else and leave myself out and now that i am trying to take care of myself it is the hardest thing in the world to do. i have to give myself pep talks to convince myself how special and loving and beautiful i am and how much i have to love myself more in this life and when people tell me these things i am not too convinced either. i have alot more growing up to do within myself and it is scarey and frustrating and i am trying so hard to be positive. it is by far a struggle and a journey all in itself to get to know me better. i feel like i have buried my old self and i need to start over.
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724811_tn?1291434386
Sorry, my vent was about Octomom, and not about depression.  My whole life is a vent about depression!  I do want to vent that I am tired of people telling me I am depressed and that makes me tired.  I think it is the other way around, I am tired and that makes me depressed.  Chronic illness and fatigue is causing me to be down about life and lost opportunities.   I am sick of being called lazy and depressed.  

PS:  Agree with the SHOULD post and many others.
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365714_tn?1292202708
I hate the constant feeling I don't fit in. It's been hitting me this last week and hitting me hard. I hate the evil whispers of feeling like I don't matter, that no one cares etc... I wish I can get out of the emotional crisis I feel.
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Avatar_n_tn
I'm 31...I'm sick and tired of being tired! I'm sick and tired of having to face people and explain myself!...Like...what's wrong,why are you not happy,why are you having a sleep,why are you depressed/anxious???why..why...why??!!!...If I knew I'd fix it!! I'm sick of being angry and detatched from reality. I started taking lexapro and was on it for three months and then stopped because I felt great, and due to family history of mental illnesses and addictive personalities...didn't want the same thing to happen to me. I guess that's what took me so long to visit the doc in the first place...I couldn't take it anymore and had no choice. The last six months I have been slowly falling back into the anxiety/depression trap....and everything that goes with it. My husband says maybe I should start taking my pills again......but I rekon if I get rid of everything in my life thatp#!##s me off...maybe I wouldn't need the damn pills!!!!
Any ideas and thoughts????
Thanks for letting me vent
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Avatar_f_tn
today isn't a good day. im so tired. emotionally drained. my stomach has been upset. i dont want to shed a tear. my eyes have been watery but i wont let myself cry. im so sad. so down. i just want to sleep until i feel better. but i cant. i work nonstop until next friday. i will have no time to rest the way i need to right now. im so sad.i cant take much right now. i cant talk to my best friend about my problems. she has so much going on in her life and i know she is sick and tired of hearing about my emotions. i have nothing good to say about anything right now.   and now im crying..heh...way to ruin my strength.  im not okay and im afraid. i dont know what to do. im just going to go to sleep. yeah. thats all i can do.i thought writing or venting about it would help me. it usually does. not now
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Avatar_m_tn
I can't stand the thoughts so far beyond reality that my OCD creates. I will defeat it.
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Avatar_f_tn
The only SHOULD I would suggest, is where those folks "should" go if they don't stop their expectations of you - and it included a handbasket.
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Avatar_f_tn
My day has started....I feel so alone. I feel so sad. And I don't want to cry. Who wants to wake up to tears? I'm just not doing well...and im tired of this constant battle.
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649598_tn?1239120815
Every night I cry myself to sleep, every day I get yelled at at work for not being "perky" enough.  Meds are not working on my depression.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I have no friends left in the area (they don't understand mood swings due to medical disorders and suicidal tendencies).  My boyfriend believes that my mental problems are "all in my head" that I can stop them any time I want.  I'm so lonely all the time.  When I'm out or even with family, I'm by myself.  All I want to do is sit around my house and sleep, but I'm afraid to be alone at my house because I might do something to myself (though I thought I was past the cutting phase).  I make myself go out so I don't indulge in self-destructive behavior, yet the only place to go in my town after 7 is, literally, the bar.  Then I end up drinking enough to make myself fall asleep when I get home.  I hate myself when I do it, but it always happens, and I'm right back to where I started with my venting...
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681888_tn?1272925909
has anyone ever had or seen an exorcist been done on anyone before ?
if so i would like to hear all about it .....
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365714_tn?1292202708
I'm still here...
Anyone ever play those arcade games where one has a mallet and bangs on little plastic heads that pop up?

I feel like I'm playing "Whack a thought".  The negative thoughts, feelings, and self lies come up faster than I can whack them down....
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681888_tn?1272925909
ya mj my granddaughter has one of those lol.we bash the hell out of it ,..
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Avatar_f_tn
everyday i am so tired no matter how i sleep some days i am real happy some i am not.  feel like i cannot accomplish anything and have so much to go for.  wish i had a better relatioship with my mom but she is sooo annoying and cant deal with her. hate my job school ***** but I love it.  sometimes i joke around that i want a drink i dont drink it but sometimes i jsut want the buzz of tipsyness.  maybe i dont i dont knw.  i wanna be happy and be normal but what is normal.  i wanna have my own place hate livign with the stepmom and dad.  i love my boyfriend and i am scared that my crazyness and my mind with super spinning wheels wil push him away.  he just told me he joind army and will be a military doctor and i dont know how to deal with it. have to drop a class becausse i cannot do it. and the teacher made me feel dumb.  eveyrday is a drag and i think other poeple are worse so why i feel like this? i dont want tooo i feel sooo sad for no reason angry and moody alll the time.  i am not pregnant lol. i dont know i just wish that i could be a bit lighter in my chest have mroe hope and determination and more faith.  i lack those things.
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763297_tn?1281383025
I have depression and have been taking Paxil for about a year which I am now strongly trying to quit because of the weight gain and having absolutely no energy at all. I went to the hospital last night because of the side effects that im experiencing. I cut my pill in half from 30 to 15 mgs... too much to do in one week, I have to wean myself off slowly. Anyway,  I went to the hospital because I was getting ready for work, I havent been in almost 2 weeks because I have no energy, and I started having trouble breathing. My chest hurt, I was extremely dizzy, nauseous, I couldn't see straight, and I was sweating uncontrollably. The doctor at the ER told me there was nothing he could do and that I would just have to deal with these sidee effects of coming off of Paxil, He said to go slower in stopping the pill. I wish they could just flush my body and get me off of it but I guess it doesn't work like that. I would rather be depressed than have to feel like this. I wish my doctor would've been more clear about the side effects and problems I would face when I did decide to stop. I feel depressed now and I have absolutely no energy to do ANYTHING. I need to go to work because Im a month behind on my car payment but I cant drag myself there. I drink and pass out all the time. Alcohol used to help me but now I can't even handle it anymore. Im prescribed Xanax for anxiety but they won't give me any more than 2.5 mg. and that does almost nothing for me. Thanks for starting this page, it's nice to be able to read other people's stories and know im not alone.
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Avatar_n_tn
I know how ya feel bout ya mum....I've never had a relationship with my mum for the same reasons...How can i deal with myself if shes always needin sompthin..??? and that is annoyin...bythe way...I'm 31..and shes hasnt changed all  my life ...Ive..chang ed though..i told her to bak off...had to, to make room for myself.....if im gonna get better..I dont need other ppl bringin me down, or makin things worse. Its like a big weight on my shoulders. My own **** is enuf to carry around...sik of the need...need...need...i have a child..she needs me...not an adult suppose to set an example and makin out nuthins wrong......hope this helps..    :)
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Avatar_f_tn
It is funny.... my best friend told me we didn't have a real friendship. This all came from me feeling like I had no one to turn to....and I just wanted a hug...she wouldn't give that to me. Instead she shot those text messages at me, while we were at work.... We live together. . .

I have always been there for her.... she has always been there for me...and now...I have no one. My depression was inconvenient for her...because she was going through her own things. I hadn't even expressed how I had been feeling to her, lately, because I knew she was dealing with her own things... and now, my friend has gone.

As if the depression alone wasn't enough to knock me down to nothing. I am extremely hurt.... and was before she did this Thursday afternoon.  I don't really know what to do... my anger is out of this world, and I no longer know how to control it. I am so tired of everything..and don't want to live there, I don't want to work there.... I am with my family right now, and have yet to see her .... I am afraid of how I will feel when I see her.

I needed some help this week, I didn't need more to put onto my plate.... I was put on prozac.... today was my first day taking it...  I saw someone yesterday....a new person. She was nice...and I see myself seeing her for a long time. She is a nice therapist. Hopefully I won't stop myself from going to see her.

I don't know what to feel right now. I am hurting. . . so much. I feel alone. And it literally hurts to cry. I feel like my heart and mind are in shambles. I have no energy...I am sooo angry. I am afraid. I know I have to face reality soon, and return home..but I don't want to. . . there is no telling how things will go. Just keep me in your thoughts, if you can. Pray if you believe....  

i no longer want to feel this way.
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603543_tn?1255298050
Im frustrated with feeling so depressed and physically sick and tired all the time....Tired of getting by life by just doing the minimum, tired of not being able to do the things I want, tired of feeling so badly, tired of noone understanding me, tire dof seeing others living and being ahppy and doing things I cannot, tired of not being able to support myself, tired of living in my moms basement..Im 28 Im suppose to be having the time of my life and im miserable and thinking what i might have done to deserve this, why am i being punished...why the drs dont know what to do with me and not listening to me and just giving me diff meds to try....im not suppose to be struggling to just get out of bed, its so hard.....tire dof my bf not understanding why i eat junk and dont go to the gym, but complain about my weight, he doesnt know what its like....i cant take it anymore...
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Avatar_f_tn
today will be my first day back at work since thursday. im not ready .  crazy that i wasnt even supposed to get any time off until this upcoming friday. . . but i guess getting help helps you for a few days.... i just dont feel it being a good day at all. im going to explode. i feel it
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Avatar_f_tn
i want to know why do we still get depressed when we're taking an anti-depressant. i've been on lexapro for 5 years. my father passd away and i have fallen into the worse depression. why
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Avatar_f_tn
Sometimes, meds alone aren't the answer, there are other things that are important like; self-care, talk -therapy, diet n' excercise. Sometimes folks can be on the wrong meds. Sometimes folks are misdiagnosed, like myself, the meds never fully worked. Why? Anti-depressants don't work that well on other mood disorders, they just don't OR there needs to be a mood stabilzer on top of the AD.  
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468830_tn?1246112822
I can relate to most of the above comments, that's for sure.  I'm 57, and have been on disability since 05/07, and unemployed since 06/06.  I finally had to temporarily admit that I just couldn't work right now, which was a hard pill to swallow, as I've worked since I was 14, a lot of times 2 jobs after my kids were grown as I would get so bored if I wasn't doing something all the time.  I went from being irritatingly perky and happy, to this current "thing" that I've become.  I am causing my youngest son, age 31, so much sorrow, because he doesn't know how to get his old, fun mom back.  I don't do anything with my friends, very little with my family, and spend most of my time lying to people about how I have a headache, the flu, whatever, as no one can seem to understand that I can't just "suck it up" and get out and do things.  I probably wouldn't understand it either if I wasn't living it. I was diagnosed w/agorophobia 31 yrs. ago, and was put on valium, then xanax and imipramine, then got about a 5 yr. break and took nothing, then the panic attacks came back and I've been on klonopin/clonazapem since.  The clonazapem worked up until about 3 yrs. ago, when the panic attacks came back, along with this mind-blowing depression.  I checked myself into the local mental health hospital in 6/06 after I'd been "let go" because of my inability to make it to work most of the time.  I've yet to find a good Dr. all of these years that will try anything other than shoving more meds at me, so I don't see them anymore.  I've been weaning myself .25/mg monthly from the clonazapem, and am currently down from 3.5 mg/daily to .5 mg/daily.  My panic attacks aren't any worse, but my mind doesn't work, the depression is so bad, I have no desire to do anything, and I'm no longer optimistic that it will ever change.  I've tried so many anti-depressants over the years, but they all make me extremely agitated, so I need to try to beat this w/o meds.  My body can't take it anymore, nor my mind.  I've given up nearly 3 years of my life to this awful depression, and I'm struggling to figure out how to find the old, fun "me" again.  I exercise all the time, eat healthy, try to read and watch positive things........I don't know.  Anyway, sorry this was so long.  Please know that I pray that all of you, and me, someday get this under control and are able to lead the happy, full lives that we deserve.  
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468830_tn?1246112822
Oh, and I'm tired of everyone telling me what I "should" be doing, too, "because it would make me feel better".   GRRRRR!!!!  I know they say it lovingly, I really do, but yes, I would feel better if I'd do this or that or the other thing, but that's the problem......no matter how hard I try, most days I can't muster up the energy to even get out of my pajamas!  I don't know how those of you who are married, or have kids at home, can do it, I really don't.I feel like I'm constantly "letting everyone down" just by not being the person I was 3 years ago, and can't imagine feeling like this and having people depending on me on a daily basis.  Sick and tired of being sick and tired!
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Avatar_n_tn
I hate how people who don't have depression always make light of it. I hate people not believing me and making jokes about my illnesses. It's so hard because I can't fight back, I don't have the energy, or the ability to make clear statements most of the time. I just wish they would back off.
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591295_tn?1293848852
I have chronic pain of the post-operative variety, from an operation nearly 11 years ago. It started for the first time ever within hours of waking up after the operation so gee it would be fairly logical to think that the two are connected. I had T5 pain, a weird gagging/retching behaviour as well, but the first was explained to me as referred pain by the surgeon, and the second was a temporary condition often accompanying a Nissen fundoplication. Apart from the rather slow recovery typical of Nissen's back then, the gagging feeling and the spearing pain in T5 never went away. Except with the use of doloxene or tramadol pain medication, or large amounts of panadeine forte (yuk!). My knowledge today is much greater than it was back then, so my guess is that a combination of anti-tussive properties of opioids and the inhibiting effects they have on some neural pathways is what stops the gagging feeling. I would have been pushing up daisies by now if that hadn't been the case.

My vent is that I had a great doctor who helped me manage the pain to a level that I kept fully employed (although at great sacrifice to my non-existent non-work life) until I copped depression from being overstressed on a long project for a client. Then the wheels fell off (early 2006), and I am on my third year of leave without pay, no other income but interest on my post-GFC savings. Interest rates are not exactly high. I had to move interstate to live with my parents in order to survive. So depression plus chronic pain has proven to be a deadly combination.

My new set of doctors just cannot seem to get their collective heads around the fact that a) chronic pain was under some control for at least 7 years *before* I became depressed), b) antidepressants interfere with the pain meds I used to use, c) I am allowed to know a lot of detail about my condition and the drugs they give me. The worst part of all is that recently I have discovered that several specialists, including from a pain clinic, have written case notes (which are normally confidential to the patient, but other doctors may see) in which they have made outright factual errors or presumed things instead of asking. Recently I have also been informed that if I don't like the side-effects of lyrica, which I take for pain, then I will be on nothing else for pain relief. This is from my GP who I like and believe is being concientious, but I am now seriously wondering why opiates have never properly been trialled on me. Some kind of clinic policy or personal morality in play here? Don't know. How do I recover from depression when I'm either suffering from "lyrica lobotomy", "lyrica libido", and narcolepsy, or I'm in too much pain to concentrate anyway?

I rarely drink, I never smoke, and up to my lyrica weight gain experience have been physically in good shape and generally fit - hard to do when in chronic pain (and apparently another black mark against how much pain I must really be in). Even harder to do when the depths of depression hit me, a truly horrible place to be, that's for sure.

While I'm at it, the pain clinic gave me a physical exam, about a year ago now, while I was on 8 panadeine forte a day. They told me before the exam to take my pain meds like usual, and then reported confidentially "no pain behaviour" - which wouldn't bother me if they had also put "but has taken panadeine forte during the hours prior to the exam, as advised to do". Anyone with chronic pain knows that you can't go through life groaning and moaning and clutching at the painful areas - that is what happens for acute pain but over time the body adapts and the pain behaviour subsides. Throw in a bucket of panadeine forte (yuk) and the physical exam was a sham, IMHO.

I'm not normally a combative person and this sometimes serves me poorly. Now and then, I wish I had used FOI to see my original hospital surgery notes. They have since been destroyed, so I am told. I am left wondering whether I should put pressure on the specialists to correct their errors in my recent record or whether even that will come back to haunt me.

On the upside, I have some excellent friends whose friendship has never waivered.

Boy, that vent sure felt good!
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591295_tn?1293848852
I'll be greedy and steal a second venting.

Since this depression (clinical depression or melancholia, they call it here) hit and turned my already fragile existence upside down, I have slowly come to realise that most doctors are only too willing to treat drug side-effects as unimportant. With lyrica (which helps with pain and anxiety I've noticed too), it occurred to me that maybe our doctors need to take some of these medications themselves, say for a couple of weeks. Then they would know firsthand just how bad the side-effects can be. Perhaps then they wouldn't be so complacent about it.

Wow, this is *really* therapeutic :-)
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424549_tn?1308519102
I've had a depression that persistently returns every winter. Last winter, I did for the first time do counseling and the SAD didn't need to be medicated. Just now, coming around with my birthday this year, I am considering medications vs. doing something more productive about it - such as admitting myself to a psychiatric unit. I'm just too emotionally drained to see that AD's could help me change this time around. My mental problems have changed - they used to come from the complicated grief of the loss of my mother. This time around, my problems are about the marriage (I really doubt that my husband can change if I take antidepressants, because that is where my most serious problem is)... I'm wondering how my life would be if he and I were just friends, if his echonomy and my echonomy didn't collide this way...

So here I stand today, going to consult my GP about AD's vs. closer mental follow-up, knowing that a retreat at a unit could actually be used against me in a divorce. We have a 6-year old daughter. I want to do what is best for her - all the way. Not just today but for her future too. Why is this such a difficult choice???! I can't turn to my family because earlier, I would turn to them to vent about the marriage. I don't want to do that again because I know they agree too much about me divorcing him. I know that if he and I stay together the problems will persist. ..... ..... Bad corner to be pressed up in....

Florena
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750172_tn?1256150676
I'm so tired of being angry.  I'm angry all the time.  Somedays I step back and look at this person I've become and wonder what happened.  Then again I remember I never was who I was meant to be.  One day I'm going to be able to overcome all the past and finally get motivated.  Some days I feel so close, then the next I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be working towards.  I just don't want to be angry.  I never lash out at my girls but, I know if I don't get this under control when they get older they will know mommy isn't happy.  Kids have a way of reading your moods even if there's no outward give-a-ways and you think you're pretending really well.  My dh deserves better than this, and quite frankly I deserve better than this!!  Will my past ever leave me alone??
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429432_tn?1343597790
I'm sorry you haven't had a chance to have kids. Octomom infuriates me, too. I wanted more than one child, but thats all we had because we knew we wouldnt be able to afford a quality life for more children after my husband had his accident. I think those kids should be taken away from her. She doesn't see babies, all she sees are dollar bills! The American welfare system is so screwed up. Sorry, I just don't feel a bit sorry for her OR her kids.
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm glad i found this forum, for the past few months I think i've been falling deeper and deeper into this pit of depression and for the first time i thought about ending my life.

This may not be relevant to the thread or everyone else's comments but i feel like i just need to vent out some of the ******** in my life anonymously.  

i hate my life.
around two weeks ago i was sitting in my car at about 11pm parked in the driveway.  I had just got of work and had a few beers with some friends.  I dont know why but i cant enjoy myself anymore.  It doesnt matter what im doing or who im doing it with, i ll hide my sadness.. and i ll smile and laugh too.. but it doesnt feel good anymore.. nothing really feels good anymore.  but anyways, so i was sitting in the car and had just hung up after an argument on the phone with my fiance about some stupid stuff that we shouldnt even be fighting about, and on top of that i was in that depress mood.  For the first time ever i had the idea of shooting myself in the head.  I had my pistol that i had bought with my dad in my hand and i just stared at it.  i started imagining my funeral and tears came to my eyes.  i know i wasnt really going to do it at that moment but the idea ran though my mind.  I was trying of think of reasons not to do it.. like how it would crush some of the people that love me and all that stuff.. and also i didnt want the kids in the neighborhood to go outside in the morning and see my brains splattered all over the street.  It wasnt that serious i think, but next time who knows.. i may not think of enough reasons not to do it.

It's so funny and ironic, I always felt like people who go through depression and have suicidal thoughts were weak minded saps and suckers, but i really know now how it feels like to not want to live anymore.  I don't even know why i live anymore, every single day of my life is a repeat of itself.. and every day something will happen that makes me feel so much hatred inside that i have to start hitting or breaking something around me when i'm alone.  I wake up at 5:30 every morning to go to work, and then I usually don't get home until 8-9pm.  Just about enough time for me to eat dinner, shower and get ready for bed so i can wake up at 5 ******* 30 again.  
This isnt all too bad, at least it didnt used to be... before when i had something to look forward to at the end of the day, or the weekend.  Even when life's ****** its still bearable if you have some source of happiness. i have no source of happiness.

i feel like i dont connect with anybody anymore; Not my family, my closest friends, not even my fiancee... is that not the most ridiculous ****.  I used to have a great relationship with my father.. although when i was a child i was beat pretty badly, andcertain things about his income and the people he was with are questionable, we were always close because i was very much into that sort of stuff.  Then lately i started to realize something about him.. he uses me to make him feel better about himself.  In a way he kind of lives his dreams through me... some of the things that i do for him and his friends... i could go to jail for it.. but i wonder... why does he let me do it?  what kind of father knowingly puts his son in danger? I dont know but ever since this one pretty big incident i havent spoken with him much... maybe once every two weeks or so.

Then theres my mother.. i havent felt close to her ever since she cheated on my father... they've divorced, then got back together, and separated again when i was younger.

my little brother and i have our good moments together, but because my mom never taught him right he can be a real punk *** most of the times.  hes so disrespectful that sometimes things get physical and he threatens to call the police on me.  

Then theres my two closest friends; the ones that i considered to be blood and would do anything for.  Now i've got alot of friends, well actually acquaintances because  i always felt it was better to have a few close friends, and alot of people to know. one of my 'brothers' is an alcoholic, and the biggest failure you've ever seen... hes either high or drunk whenever you talk to him.. and he has no job, a long list of felonies and misdemeanors, and hes just a straight bum.  He continues to get into trouble no matter how much i try to help him straighten out his life.. i honestly think he doesnt give a **** about anything.. so i've given up trying.  My other 'brother ' is quite the opposite.  This guys got his head on straight.. we see everything eye to eye.. practically the same person... and i thought we were always gonna be there to help each other out... that is until i started working with him.  this motherfucker is too ambitious... he acts like a team player, but hes looking out for himself. after i started working at the same company but gained a better position he started acting different, and before he was always the one that was doing better.  I began to notice our friendship growing more distant and we mainly communicate only when at work together or if its about work.  When we go to the bar afterwards or whatever, i can see it in his face.. i dont feel like we're brothers no more.    

and i guess lastly is my fiance.  i dont know what else to say besides that i'm starting to question the relationship, and im almost 100% sure she feels the same way.  I know this is a common thing for couples,  but its just so hard to decide what to do about it because we've been together for more than 4 years.  She was my highschool sweetheart.  We've had alot of ups and downs, but you can only have certain problems over again so many times before you realize that things aren't going to change.  I still love her and want to try to do whatever i can to stay together, but i have a strong feeling she doesn't want to be with me anymore even though she denies it.   whenever i see her she doesnt look like shes very happy with me anymore, and whenever we talk on the phone she sounds so uninterested in the conversation that it either makes me feel more depressed or pisses me off that i throw my phone.  

I guess thats pretty much all i can think of right now, or all that i want to.  I left alot of things out but it doesnt matter because i doubt anybody read it half way haha... that did make me feel a little better though.. for some reason, it doesnt seem that bad.. i may sleep better tonight.
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Avatar_m_tn
my ears are ringing.  it's been like this for weeks now.  
i'm having brain zaps
i feel ill.

*sad face*
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Avatar_m_tn
So many sad people around. One more sad person here. I wonder who is happy on this planet now.
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762420_tn?1246292212
Hello, hope all is well with you and everybody else! Here is my vent to let out of my system! For years I have been dealing with depression many up's and down's more down's than I would like to admit to which is sad. Was put on 2 medications to help me with this problem and for a while it worked and now i'm back to square one with all of it.Weaning me off one medication and putting me on another one as been hell don't wish it on anybody at all. So my problem is I never had a weight problem and now I do so you go to the doctor and try to get one problem fixed and end up with more than you came there with. Granted side effects are different for everybody but man do they want to keep you depressed or make you better? It just bothers me cause now I will shut my self off to my husband cause of my weight and granted he doesn't understand my depression and he says he doesn't care about my weight he still loves me than why is our relationship so different now than it was before. Not even married 3 years ye how sad and I agree so many sad people in this world is it all worth it anymore....just feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle! Life just isn't fair! Theresa
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242912_tn?1334036646
All I would really like to do is stay in bed and never get up.  Just sleep and sleep.  I have been an insomniac since teen yrs and never get more than 4-5 hrs of broken sleep a night, even with the help of 1mg Xanax.  I'm in constant pain, constant horrendous anxiety and never feel truly happy.  I stopped taking AD's 5yrs ago and miraculously feel much better without them, but still that constant feeling of not minding if I died tomorrow.  The AD's kept me feeling numb so without them I feel emotional all the time and cry alot.  I am not suicidal, just can't wait for all this to be over with.  I just want to "go home."

Breast cancer runs strongly on my mothers side, but I will not get a mammagram.  If something were wrong I would not want to save myself because what for?  To continue to drag myself out of bed each day, force myself to eat well and excercise, force myself to keep the house and finances straight and force myself to be relatively "up" so my husband doesn't have to live with a zombie.  

I have felt this way my whole life.  It never ever stops and I am just so weary of it all....
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242912_tn?1334036646
Also, what I find the most exhausting is having to get ready, leave the house and then act in public like I'm not going to collapse from standing on my feet or have an anxiety attack at any moment.  

Okay, all done.
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Avatar_f_tn
My vent...or story of my life so far

I am 24 and have been depressed for quite a few years now, i self harm (most people dont understand this but my veiw on it is i dont like hurting anyone else so i take it out on myself and once that is done i feel a little better for it) I have been given the option of therapy and been perscribed anti d's but i chose not to take them as i know a mate who got really hooked on them.

My opinion on therapy is that no matter how much you talk about your problems in life it wont change anything as the moment you leave that door your back into reality and im not able to deal with it.

I have lots of trouble making decisions for myself, I dont know what would make me "happy" anymore...it all boils down to complicated realtionships, feelings of worthlessness, and a low self esteem and money!!! im constantly tired my sex drive with my current partner is non existant and i just dont know what to do...does anyone know if CBT is any different from therapy???

thanks flinty x
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395787_tn?1298432387
im so desperate,my daughter has a rare genetic syndrome and my eldest daughter died 12 years ago through complications of the same syndrome,its so rare no doctors can give me answers.iv searched day and night and i cant go through seein my gorgeous girl suffer..im so lost and ive no fight anymore.she has muscle and nerve diseases,she has so many problems,all rare and it kills me i cant help her or anyone can,its breaking my heart and my mind and my soul.
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Avatar_f_tn
my vent...i'm mad that i'm so aggitated lately. maybe a s/e of meds? i don't know, i wish i could help it but i can't. i want to break things. i'm supposed to wait until thursday to go see the pdoc to talk about meds, 2 more days, then i have someone to talk to again. i have no support, everyone i know likes to ask me whats wrong. i don't know whats wrong, i don't feel good. i'm sad, i'm mad. rapid cycling i think might be what its called? idont know, its new for me, should i call the doc. i think i might. anyway, i'm sick of the ones i trust the most not supporting me. maybe they wouldn't have to constantly ask whats wrong and if i'm ok, if they would just stop denying i'm BP and depressed.
and LeftCoastChick, I think putting this in the Bipolar forum is a great idea. thanks for listening.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have no idea whats wrong with me but I feel extremely bad at the moment. I've no interest with anything and feel lost. I'venever experieced this before can anyone give me any tips as how to get rid of this feeling?
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603015_tn?1329866573
I feel so lonely, I cant stand the silence of the world around me, I have been diagnosed at 37 with BP, I wish they had left me. Everything has changed since the diagnosis, maybe if I had had there so called help I would have come right on my own as I have always done in the passed maybe then I wouldnt be taking 7 pills a day that have only softened the situation, perhaps the more intense episode would have ended at a peak and I would have inner peace. Hate everything this afternoon, was ok this morning now feel like Ive been emptied of any happiness, feel something brewing inside, whats the point.
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804223_tn?1304716456
How are we supposed to be happy, in such an unhappy world?

My vent.. is almost in support of all of our feelings.. Why wouldn't we feel this way with the world in the state it's in? I feel like some old church lady when I think of the things that are freaking me out about the world, I am a very liberal lady, but it is true... It's getting crazy...and we're all so desensitized to it all.

The more 'in touch' I remain, the more messed up I am about the world around me. The more 'real' I am, the more sensitive I am to the imbalance of this planet and the people who inhabit this Earth. The more I see the Potential for Good in humans, the more I realize how far we are straying from it... and it makes me depressed!

I don't even watch TV now because it's such garbage, and so much of it makes me feel worse: Bad News telling you of all the horrors in the world you are powerless to do anything about. Advertisers that are paid to make you feel inadequate, so you can go and consume more **** to keep up with the "Jones's" and all that **** you bought was made by some child in China, (and is supporting some hidden company that makes weapons of course), and will go into a landfill and pollute the already taxed environment.

Then a "comedy' will come on where everyone is beautiful and successful, somehow living in a loft in New York on a coffee baristas wage, and all their problems are really minor, but you all get caught up in them because you don't want to face your own problems. You know more about the cast on the show, than your own friends - who are of course all on Facebook, showing off all the pictures of them smiling and waving to cameras in superficially postured situations, so the whole world will know they are having a swell time online. The new 'community' has gone electric and no one actually connects to the point we'll be envious of third world countries who have no access to computers and fast food and malls and bars because those people actually get together and make meals and music and stories and share their trials and tribulations among each other in 'real time'.

It's a world where out food is no longer 'grown' and 'harvested' but 'manufactured'. Factory farms don't raise cattle and chickens, they manufacture meat for processing. Animals are no longer sentient beings that deserve thanks and respect for feeding us, they are stocks and market shares that are plugged full of hormones, abused and neglected then shipped and then slaughtered on conveyor belts, some still living while they're being severed and split into segments for pot roasts and hamburgers.

Young girls are exposed to cheap role models in the media like the ***** Cat Dolls and other stripper wannabe's, gyrating their 12 year old hips without even knowing why. They don't get to learn about the 'power' they possess as intelligent, beautiful, creative girls when they can get what they want by being sexy and cute instead!

Younger boys get to learn how to shoot and maim in violent video games. They are encouraged to be aggressive, and make money for status, and not have feelings or emotions even in this day and age. They don't get to learn how they have the capabilities to be compassionate, kind and thoughtful... even the old standards are messed up.

It just seems that only thing that is truly beautiful in our world (nature) is the one thing humans seem intent on destroying. I can't even get to it anymore, since I live in the city and don't drive a car.. From being a country girl, now stuck in the concrete jungle.. it seem so unfair. Again... some people living in huts in some poor country, really have it better off than we do.

Anyway.. Today I feel hopeless about the world in general and don't want to contribute to it's madness.. I know this will pass, I am sure.. and I will remember all the beauty in the world (not usually created by humans anymore mind you..)
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Avatar_f_tn
I dont' know if anyone will reply, but it will feel good just to vent.  I've lived with a mentally unstable mother all of my life, and I just want it to be over.  I don't remember when I first started hearing "your father treated me like a queen until he found out I was pregnant with you", but while plundering through a desk drawer I found papers from the third grade where I had been going to the school counselor and told her that I didn't feel like my mom loved me.  In my teens she humiliated me in front of my friends, and the arguments between us grew so bad that I would often leave for school crying and would go straight to the counselor for sessions before my classes.  During my first marriage, she manipulated me to the point that one Thanksgiving my husband and I spent the day apart (if he doesn't go see his mom, she still has four other kids, but if you don't come over, I have noone-I am an only child).  In my 30's, she gave me a sob story about how bad someone was treating her, and I called them to confront them about this and they began to tell me just what all my mom had been telling them about me-to which she denied-but it was things that only she and I knew about.  I am now in my 40's and remarried 7years ago and moved over 1,000 miles away--only to have my mom and step-father move FOUR DOORS away--and the mental games still go on.  I am so torn--I am a christian and want to do the right thing, but I wish I never had to see or speak to her again.  You cannot image the things she will say to me to try and hurt me, or belittle me, and of course I don't let her run over me anymore so I will stand up for myself and then she cries.  It is almost hilarious when we argue over the phone, because she will play the "drama queen" routine, even if things aren't heated, and you can hear my step-father in the background telling her to hang up on me.  Yesterday we had an argument and she told me that I didn't know what hard work was-that I've never had to work as hard as she has.  I started working when I was 16, and have worked ever since until now.  I only remember her working when she wanted to, as my Dad had a very nice job and she didn't have to work.  I on the other hand, have been a 911 dispatcher, and then (to please my husband, but after the divorce, out of necessity) a truck driver--I drove solo for five years and I dare challenge her to that job!!! Now I am no longer working, but a full-time college student, and mentally I can't take her anymore with all that I have going on with school.  My mom is the kind of person that blames others for everything that has ever happened in her life--if you attempt to tell her something that she doesn't like, she will turn it right around with "what about you"--well, we weren't talking about me!  Thanks for letting me vent- I am to the point where I don't know what else to do.  Mother's day is coming up and once again I will look for the card that just says "Happy Mother's Day"- all of that about what a good mom you've been and how you took care of the family, etc. makes me want to puke and I will not buy it.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am very concerned...I have just started taking Anafranil 25 mgs about a mnth ago. Im also taking Effexor 75mgs for the past 8 yrs. I have noticed while sleeping that I feel like my tongue is rolling back in my mouth and my teeth grinding, almost as if Im having a seizure. While this is happening Im also dreaming. Not sure if this is my dreams or if Im having a seizure. I am 29 yrs old and otherwise healthy. I suffer from OCD and severe Depression. I took Anafranil when I was 16 and got a (chicken pox) like rash, so my doctor stopped the meds. I only started up on it again because it was extremely helpful to me back then. Now Im finding that it is extremely helpful again, the only problem is my concern for the effects Im having at night. I have told my doctor, he doesn't seem at all concerned. I have also been experiencing ringing in the ears. I have read all the info on Anafranil and it says Seizures and Ringing in the Ears are serious side effects to notify your Dr right away???? Im really upset...Can someone please give me some information and is this something I should be concerned about??? Help Me?!
Chris
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709671_tn?1252929332
m on tenterhooks right now

i am doing third year engineering(b.e)
wanted to be a doc
we have vivas [oral exams] from Saturday,25th and we have just finished getting our journals corrected[certified] from our professors...all other batches and branches finished a week ago...,just because or dept. likes to torment us and is lazy!

how do they expect me to study an entire subject in just two days!
orals finish on 13th. finals from 19th with just 3-4 days gap as compared to the usual 7+.
if that wasn't enough, i had flunked in a subject my previous semester owing to my depression and migraine...and i have just a day to prepare for that toughest subject!

sorry for the bad language..but just as we engineers call it....." i am screwed" for my life!
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Avatar_f_tn
it's almost 1am here in o-town fla.

these flipping meds either knock  you out or have you up all night.

i feel drugged, took an ambiem but still can't fall asleep

i should go to wal-mart and buy things i don't even need, but i like target better but there not open.

my dogs are ansy cause they want to go to bed. their looking at me like their trying to figure out how to crash this computer.

cvs is open but their always getting robbed.

i could take a walk around the block but the home owener watchdogs patrol and they may think i'm a robber.

i could read but i broke one of the lens in my glasses.

what i should do is call all the psyc docs in the phonebook and wake them up and keep them up till i fall asleep so they can see what it feels like when i can't sleep from these drugs
i would like to go in the back yard and work in my garden but all the neighborhood dogs will start barking and i might be mistaken for a prowler and get shot.

so the only thing i can do is vent. but i'm still wide awake.

good thing i don't work. i'd be a babbleing idiot from lack of sleep and they would all be talking about what new drug i'm on.

well sweet dreams all

coleen
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OK, I'm sick of being sick! Of being made fun of by my college age daughter.  I feel like I'm her trick dog that she has to show her friends, look at my Mom, isn't she crazy! Hey, Mom say that thing you said last night when you took your meds"! I wish I had respect from my family.  Instead I feel like a joke to them. They have no idea how hard I work at putting on a "happy face" to everyone when I really want to scream! I'm so sick of having these high's and low's.  My head just spins.  When I try to have a conversation I always get off track, jumping all over the place.  It's so embarrassing.  My daughter doesn't even wait for me to try to get my thoughts together, instead she will finish my sentence for me.  Sometimes I feel like I will end up all alone.
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i hate my life right now. Im 23 years old and ive had moderate acne for what seems like 10 years now. It's just progressively gotten worse after high school when everyone else's faces seemed to clear up. It's made me really depressed and is making me focus on every negative aspect of me.  Ive been on every freaking medication and I feel like no one knows what i really look like, people just see this face covered in bumps and cars.  Ive become a hermit and have lost what used to be a great social life with a girlfriend and great friends.  I'm convinced as soon as my acne subsides i will be bald.  I dont think ill ever have a period where i am confident and have self esteem and actually enjoy waking up in the morning. I dread getting out of bed because i have to look at myself in the mirror. I used to enjoy looking at myself now i avoid mirrors like the plague.  I dont even know who i am anymore im rediculously sad and resent everyone for it.  It's so hard going through these things in a society that places so much importance on physical appearance, especially in your college years. I would never commit suicide just because of what it would do to my family and loved ones so instead i just lock myself away from the world hoping this will go away eventually. I feel like ill be depressed until that happens.
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and then diagnosis of depression soon followed.  I felt everything was due to hormone but found that wasn't true.  I'm having a hard time accepting the diagnosis of depression.  In therapy and my therapist believes the depression has been a problem since childhood, according to what I've said to her.  I really wish my life was over, I've lived long enough as I an 54 years old, I just can't end it myself.  I wish every night I wouldn't wake up the next morning, but dammit I always do.
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755829_tn?1246922825
I am 25 year old male, I suffer from Anxiety and have been depressed lately, I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I must admit I wasn't the best partner but she wasn't perfect either, what pisses me off is that I am hurt, afraid of being single and so very down, I have to face this all head, not 2 weeks after we broke I find my girlfriend has hooked up with one of her friends and they are an item, so she gets to experience new things and have a great time, while I sit around alone and upset, it's not fair! It's also a big hit to my already low self esteem and very humilating, beacuse it's all evident on facebook so people will know.
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Avatar_m_tn
im tired of living like this.
to start off ive been feeling on and off depressed since i was a kid. i went through alot as a kid, i had my dad run out on me and my brother, i went through alot of emotional abuse, i witnessed my cousin being sexual abused by my uncle,i had a drunk step father who used to beat my mother and tell me women were good for nothing,i had the only person in my life that truley matter(my mother) who just treated me like dirt. i even had social services come by and check up on me and my brother and at one point they had planned to take us away. i used to have my principal take me out of class and ask me if my mother abused me and if i was happy at home. although ive always played it off like everything was fine, everything really wasnt and i wish they had taken us away and put me somewhere i could be happy. because of my rough family/childhood ive never really had anyone to talk to, never really had anyone to really tell how i feel. now although i struggled with these problems i over came alot when i came to high school were i made friends and forgot my troubled past. i was a popular kid in school and never really had a problem meeting people and expressing myself, but around the time i graduated i started loosing my friends. although ive been smoking weed since i was about 15 it wasnt intill i started loosing my friends when my habit really got bad. i started staying at home and getting high all the time, i wouldnt pick up my phone i wouldnt talk to anyone and the people i did talk to i became very bitter towards. i ran off and worked on drill rigs for a couple months trying to better myself and meet new people, but the people i met just singled me out and made me feel so much worse about myself. when i think back it was my attitude towards everything that made people just not want to know me, and as far as i can see it still is. 3-4 years have gone by since i graduated, and ive spent the majority of them sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. ive lost all my friends except two who i can tell really dont care for me, i lost my g/f of 3 years a couple months ago along with my job and my apartment. im currently living with my mother and two brother all who i can tell are really starting to pity me and not only that really dislike me. i can hear my mother talking **** about me and to my face says nothing, my brothers who once looked up to me, think something is seriously wrong with me and i hate myself for it. im at the point i dont know what to do, ive never told anyone i feel depressed and deny it when someone asks me. im at the end of my line and i dont know what to do, im on the verge of buying a plane ticket to mexico, leaving all this behind and starting over. i need help, i cant turn to my family, i have no friends, and i ******* hate my life and myself.
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  i suffer from chronic pain, depression, and now BPD which Ii think i had all along. Have not worked since 2002 and i actually feel guilty like i do not contribute to society. i am always anxious and really can not stand social settings or friends or even family anymore.i am so sick of being sick.i'm so tired of waking up every am. sleep seems to be the only time that im not in pain or depressed or anxious or angry.
It is a hard road for sure.i read (the Secret) over and over it is my bible. But trying to think good thoughts can be so hard when one min. you're sad and the next angry or in pain. I just started a mood stabilizer and hope it will help. i just get so tired of life.
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I am the same. My man will leave in the morning, and Im happy and then Il have a thought and my whole day turns and when he comes home at lunch Im numb, bitter and depressed. Usually its like that for the whole night, he knows it too. he says are you going to be like this for the rest of the night now? I feel bad, he deserves more, my family deserves more. It ***** cuz the rest of my family is really happy and funny and then there is me, and I put on the face and try so hard but im so far from happy. Im so depressed that I havnt eatten today and puked up the milk I drank. I just want to be happy. I tried to tell my fiance I didnt want to be with him cuz Im not happy but didnt know how to say its not him its that I dont want to bring him down with me.
Thanks for listening, This is a great forum.
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Avatar_f_tn
i hate feeling sick all the time and fear oh the fear i wish i could be like all the smiling people i havent work off an on for a month or more my boyfriend is getting tired of it iam sure WHY WHY WHY god ki hate this i just want to be normal
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Avatar_m_tn
i'm 15 and i've been depressed for years. i feel like i cant tell anyone. i cut myself and i just want to die. why is this happening to me? i have a good life. no one seems to understand. they think im the nerd in the corner with no problems.
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GREAT SUBJECT!!!
my vent is simple the lingering STIGMA of mental illness
and consequently the need to wear a public MASK in order not to be labeled as unfit!
I agree totally with the perception that all the SHOULDS will actually make everything all better for us all that suffer with depression!!!
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I'm tired of feeling quilty about the pain of my depression because my problems may not be as bad as others.  I feel I am constantly grieving over the people I have lost and constantly thinking of how many more there are to lose. I am always counting how many more years they may have to live. Now that my older daughter said she may move away and my younger one has moved out, I feel I am just left to wait to bury the rest. I just want to enjoy some of my life now that I am done taking care of everyone. I am only 54 and can't bear the thought of life without these people in it. I just feel I want to go now so the pain will go away. I am so tired of crying and the constant heartache. Thanks for listening, it does help.
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I feel I have nobody else to talk to. I feel like my friends are tired of hearing me ***** and complain about feeling sad and depressed and frusterated and dont understand that I CANT snap out of this as if it were just a bad day. I hate how I dont even know what I have. I hate that I am a 21 year old guy with so many hopes and dreams and how I have been going through mental health issues for the past 3 goddamn years. I feel like such a worthless piece of ****. I DO absolutely nothign every frikin day! I hate all the uncertainty that clouds what I am going through. I hate my life. I hate people . I hate GOD. I hate how this had to be me. I hate how I dont even have the courage to kill myself. I hate how I cant even do that... I feel like sucha  ****** failure. I hate how every day I wake up and feel like I never totally wake up. How I feel like I am in a dream world ALL the time, and the feeling never subsides and never leaves. IT is a permanent new reality! it has replaced the old way, the normal way, I saw life. I feel like a zombie. I feel numbed out. I feel like I failed myself, my family, and my friends. I feel like just being alive right now is simply prolonging the inevitable which is death. I hate how I have given up on the idea of me getting better. I hate how much of a jellyfish I am now. I hate how much I cry all the time every ****** day. I ****** hate doctors and psychiatrists who were soo ****** confident that I would get better with all their pills and drugs. well screw the drugs, cause I tried so many of them and nothing helped to soothe or treat this feeling that I have ALL the time. I feel like I am not even here. Like my mind isnt connected to the rest of my body. Like I dont really "see" what I am looking at, and dont really register it. Like I have dissociated from reality. I hate how now I am questioning whether its a mixture of depression as well. I hate how I feel so damn lonely and I have to resort to a this forum. I am so angry and sad and frusterated and cant take it anymore. I am so resigned from all of this ********. I havent been working for almost 8 months now. I hate how I didnt address this whole issue earlier when it wasnt as intense. I am livid about my dad and mom getting a divorce and just separating. I am so jealous of all my friends and brothers because they just go on living their normal lives while I sit here and suffer in silence. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS ****!?? i could write a book so i will just end it now
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I feel like many posters on this thread also.

I've found that most people that have never had depression don't understand, therefore, I just try to hide it most of the time. Seems to work, though, because most outsiders think I'm a fairly normal person , even fun to be around. But actually, it's all very forced.

Amazingly enough, I have a good number of friends. You'd think a depressed person like me would have zero friends , but it's not the case.

HOW?....because I'm a great actress. I've never had any social problems, so that's one thing that's probably saved my life.

I'm a great listener, and I get dumped on all the time. I get tired of being everybody's dumping friend..... Listening to everybody's problems, while I'm dying inside,saying nothing about my own problems. Sometimes I get a headache from listeing to all my friends and relatives talk about their life problems. I just want to crawl in a hole.


OR...if I'm around people that are super-duper happy, they begin to irritate me after a while & I have to run and hide. Super-duper happy people appear to be "plastic" to me,especially if they brag about how happy they are or about how rich they are, or about how PERFECT their perfect children are, or about how great their trip to Cancun was, stuff like that.

I'm not a braggart, so braggarts make me more depressed. I try to stay clear of braggarts because since they just bring me down. BUT sometimes at work, for example, I'll come across a bragging boss , and I have to listen to them, while inside my stomach I just want to throw up. I have to tune them out. Still, the brag and brag about how wonderful they are doing financially, etc.

Working around braggarts is the worst for me.
At work, I cannot show my depression for fear of a bad review. By the time I get home at night, my head is ready to explode because I've had to listen to bosses and co-workers talk about their perfection,their raises, their mega-mansions,their Ivy leage kids. Blah!

Instead, I really like people that are "real" . Those are my best friends whom I truly enjoy,and  for fear of losing them,I try to act like a great listener,fun to be around.

My psychiatrist is the worst listener. Zero help. I can't even talk to him.
Since I belong to an HMO, I can't switch Doctors , so I'm stuck with my ineffective psychiatrist. Still, he's the only one that can give me my prescriptions. My HMO requires me to see my psych every 6 months in order for me to qualify for my medications.


Anyhow, by hiding my depression, I try to act happy,because I'm afraid that if people see my sadness ,they will walk away. I understand, they not wanting to be around a depressed person, so I put on an act of appearing "normal".

Acting happy (when a person is really not) is like a forced reaction. VERY DRAINING!

When I try to appear "happy" on the outside, it zaps me of all my emotional energy. ZAP!
And when I feel zapped, I resort to not answering the phone, or just canceling out of outings on the week-ends, to avoid the entire issue.

I've become excellent at using excuses to cancel out of "outings"  whenever I get depressed. I'm a master of this! ....  It's because I don't want anybody to notice my depression, for fear they will leave me.
I've found most outsiders don't "get" depression at all. They think that depression is a slight case of sadness that goes away after a day. (I only wish...)

Being depressed is a very lonely experience and one that we have to face almost all alone in this World. That's how I've felt for years.

I feel that there is still a stigma out there on depression and us, depressive people.  Because of this, I say nothing and try to act "happy" or "normal".

Forcing happiness is extremely  draining on a person.

I feel that about the only person that really understands my depression is...me. Just me. The "normal" outside World just doesn't get it.

That's just how I feel.

When I am not on my medications, my depression gets 100 times worse, though.

Without my medications,I would lock myself in a room and sleep, sleep and sleep, avoiding the entire world.

That's why I stay on my meds.They at least make me feel half-way normal (half way "happy").

Without my meds, I'd sleep my entire life completely away, and probably become a bag lady.

I wish I didn't have to take my meds.
We tried that a few times, and my depression came back 100 time-fold.  Scary.

Looks like I'll be on some kind of med for the rest of my life, which is fine w/ me. I just wish there was another way.

Counseling is beneficial but not enough for people like me that are severely depressed. People like me need to be on medications, or we will just fade away and sleep our lives away.

So....3 cheers for good medications, I guess, ---for people like me.  




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I don't kno where to start when I was very young I was molested by my grandfather for years, never told anyone bout kuz I didn't kno how plus I was super shy my parents split up when I was very young also because my dad became a meth junkie so my mom being a single parent to 4, was gone all the time trying to make ends meet and my 2 older bros didn't live with us, one in and out of prison or Juvie since age 13, now 29,and the other doing his own thing, which left me and my younger bro to take care of ourselves. my mom remarried when I was 10 to a truck driver that was gone for weeks at a time, n had another kid with him when I was 11, and all the responsibilities of the new baby got put on me including walking a baby to and from daycare before and after school, missing school to care for the baby if he was, not being able to hangout with friends bekuz I was raising a baby. I did that for 6 years til I turned 18 n I couldn't handle it anymore n left home stayed at my cousins house started drinking a lot n then eventually ran away to the other side of the country witout tellin anyone. I eventually came back but things between me n my ma were never the same I only talked to her ocationally n always felt very uncomfortable wit it. I then started hanging out wit this guy, which is now my husband, that none of my family liked, n for the first few years of our relationship he was on meth n we fought a lot. He was verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive, but that's all behind us now, he is and has been clean for quite a few years and we are very happily married. When we got married I didn't invite any of my family, which I feel so guilty about but wouldn't change it n I haunt talked to my ma in over a year n in that year she's had a stroke n has had a few major surgeries.  I feel so guilty for not having anything to do wit her but I don't want to and don't kno wat else to do its better if I jus stay away... But the thing I have the most trouble with is me and my husband have been trying to have a baby for almost 6 years wit absolutely no luck wat so ever n it is so emotionally exhausting I'm at a breaking point and dont kno wat to do. I feel so useless and lost like something is wrong wit me, everyone I kno has been able to kids except me n I'm jus so tired of gettin my heart broke month after month year after year while all my friends and family get to enjoy parenthood n I'm jus there empty handed I don't really kno wat else to say but if I could get any advise or anyone that would let me open up bout all this, there's way way more I need to get off my chest and listen to some advise, I really need someone to talk to that can understand even a lil bit I wild be forever grateful
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Avatar_m_tn
i just lost everything i loved. i came home to find someone in my bed. i lost my home the love of my life everything i owner. i have nothing left. nothing to live for. i do not think i am going to make it. i am to old to start again
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3217886_tn?1345951747
I honestly never see the point in stuff like talking to others about feelings. It's like no one listens. No one has time to listen. No one wants to listen to unhappy stuff.

I'll try it anyway though. K well, I'm 15, and I am having the worst year of my life!

5 days after the start of the year, I got run over by my dad's car....and I think I have PTSD but I don't wanna tell my parents, cause they r dealing with their own problems, and my dad, I believe, has changed too after the accident.

Secondly, I got a lot worse in math after mid-terms which put me in a very care-free mood for the rest of the school year. I'm scared to do badly at math again this year in the 10th grade :$

To end this all off, my dad wants to file a divorce with my mom. He keeps getting me involved too. I'm just a kid for crying out loud! I don't know how to solve that problem! I would if I could.

Well, if anyone has any advice, plz let me know. I could really use someone to talk to who actually cares--or at least acts like they do.

And for everyone else on this forrum, I really hope everything will get better for you :) xx
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm  16 I was diagnosed with mood disorder physcotic depression and post traumatic stress disorder i've been on seroquel, Prozac, for two years now i'm pregnant so they took me off my meds.

Sometimes people don't understand how much their words really hurt me and now i'm off the meds the voices and urges are back I don't know what i'm gonna do
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Avatar_f_tn
Very depressed shaky even,I cry all the time for almost a month now. My good friend died Oct 12 I was the last person to see him 5mins before he died I seen him pull out on the rd where he got hit. My husband jst says better him thn me. He makes everything worse if I come to him. 2days later my 18yr old cousin died. Everytime I go to work I thnk of my friend BC thts where we met n came n seen me everyday. My chest hurts so bad n I can't breathe. Its hard to even move right now but I have a 2yr and a 7yr old so I'm making myself. Now my husband talking bout divorce I told him I was depressed my head n heart is all messed up. But he thnks I'm cheating on him and accuses me of deleting my Facebook messages which I have none and texts.. I can't take anymore if it wasn't for my kids I would of tooken my life already. I have no money to talk to a therapist I have noone but my kids
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