Thoughts about hurting myself..

[evergreen19]

Hi,
Lately I've been going through a really hard time. I've never felt more alone in my life and that's because I am alone. I've barely been able to stop crying long enough to go to class,and it's taking all my strength not to hurt myself. When I cross the street without looking I think about how great it would be if a car hit me. Because I'm a coward and I can't do it myself. Last night when I blew out my candle, I thought about dripping hot wax on myself. I haven't done anything yet but I keep thinking about how much everything hurts and how much easier it would be if I could be the one controlling the pain. I can't talk to anyone about it and I don't know what to do anymore, I feel exhausted from trying to control myself but I don't know how much more I can take.

I don't know what I expect to get out of writing this but I don't know what else to do.

[j17c27]

I know words can be hardly comforting sometimes, and it is so hard to convince yourself that hurting yourself isnt the way to go.  I see it as having different mindsets.  Like theres the mindset when you are feeling ok and good with yourself and life in general, and then the mindset when anger and sadness get the best of you, and you cant think straight. WHen you are in the wrong mindset, its so hard to think straight and logically.  So just remember, that it will soon pass, and you will be able to think straight and know that hurting yourself is not good.  Those scars dont do anything but remind you of the bad in your life.  So when you are better, you will wish they werent there.
Thats great that you are seeking help in cousiling.  I think that will help a lot.  Talking to people is really helpful, especially a therapist who is non-judgemental.  Ive found that reaching out to people in general is what helps me the most.  

I understand what you mean by saying its hard to stay strong when you hate yourself.  I struggle with that everyday.  But just know that you are struggling right now, but you will become a stronger person because of it.  And I hope you dont hurt yourself becuase you dont deserve that.  You can and will be happy one day.  And once you get through this slum in your life you will appriciate happiness so much more

[evergreen19]

Thank you for saying that to me.. I know that you're right but it's hard to convince myself of that, and I can't go to anybody about it. I'm not on any meds or in therapy, but I contacted my university's counseling services and will be going in tomorrow for my first meeting there so I'm really hoping that helps.

I know how much I would regret doing anything to myself but sometimes I feel so angry and alone that no amount of throwing the closest object to me really hard against the wall or pulling my hair will help me feel better. I try to be a good person but at the end of the day I can't stand being in my own skin. I'm always exhausted because I don't want to go to sleep knowing that I have to wake up in the morning and go through another day of being me. How do you stay strong when you hate yourself?

[j17c27]

Dont do it.  Right now it sounds good, but you will regret it.  The scars you put on yourself are perminant.  These scars that depression are giving your mind can heal.  Are you in therapy or taking any meds? If not, I would seek help.  I cut myself.  THe scars embarass me and trust me it makes you feel worse in the long run.  I feel like i hide this huge burden benieth my sleeves and its just not worth it.  
The great thing about this site is that your not alone on here.  Everyone can connect, and i understand a lot about what your going through. Keep strong, you can find help and become the happy person you deserve to be