Tired of Fighting Depression for over 20 years

[4Maddie44]

My depression started many years ago, and I have been through it all, you name it, I've been there.

I have battled and battled this depression, but now, after all this time, I am getting tired of fighting.  I have good and bad days.  No different on or off anti depressants.  Took them for all those years, and only stopped 16 months ago.  I am old now, and getting weary, but I know I must go on fighting.  

I know there are many people who have  serious illnesses, and here I am complaining, but it is just that sometimes I feel sorry for myself.  I am always trying to give helpful advice on this site, and will do again.  Just on a down day.  Ups and downs.  Would be so nice to live life on an even keel.

[4Maddie44]

Thank you all for your very kind comments.  

No I will not go back onto anti depressants.  Over 20 years is long enough, and don't feel any different on meds or off.  Yes in the beginning they helped me a lot, and I would not be here today if I had not take anti depressants.  But now I just want to cope as best I can without.

We all have our ups and downs, I know.  You are all wonderful people, who, like me, have depression.  I will battle on.  Thank you for giving me the will to do so.

Bless you all you lovely people.  

[mandy876]

dont give up you have been through too much.  i look up to you even though i am 1 year older.  If you have to use the meds  maybe it want be so bad.  seems ike you have fewer bad  days.  ever since itook thse new pills i have not been the same.  the girls get smartmouth with me i dont take it any more.  i am not that person.  i used to be afraidof the mri machine but i just hop on the table and it does not bother me at all.  u dont what that does but gives me more courage.  some times too much.  but be ordered around in your owb house just does not seem proper to me. u know you all have told me i have a policepersons name that will help me when all his mess is over on my home. the youngest wants toet her on place but how will she do that she is 5 months pregnant with our little girl i hope she looks like her mom when she was little.  she was precious..  please lert me hear from you. mandy876

[Cricketk92]

Good morning Maddie!  Hope that you are feeling better today!  Im so sorry that it has been a difficult few days for you....  :(   Its OK to vent here and keep on doing it if you need to!  You have been so helpful and inspiring to me and hopefully I can at least help you feel a little better!!!  I will keep you in my prayers and hope that the sun shines for you today!!!  XOXO  Karen

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry again. i meant almost like re-learning or leaning how to ride a bicycle again.

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry, I didn't finish a sentence. When i find that I require more than just my mindfulness and CBT skills and I am concerned that I am just about to get into depression or started going there, I usually call someone like my doctor, a really good and helpful friend, or my therapist to shore me up. It's basically asking and getting a helpful nudge and  a moment to breathe and see things more clearly over the depression, Almost like a reality check, but a bit more. If I require it, I get more help or solutions from them. However, most of the time, I can think it through and recover. It helps me when I take a quiet walk when I am a little on edge about it. I also try not to think too much and just focus on my surroundings, when there are things. that are is easy and nice to look at, that is.

[persephonedemeter]

Hi 4Maddie44. Coincidentally, yesteday, when I was feeling the weather in my bones, I thought about when I used to wonder if I would ever achieve being even keeled like the way I used to feel and be. I had forgotten back then, because I had such a hard struggle and course with my bipolar disorder, which was sunk in depression 90 percent of the time (if not more), for probably about 2 decades. I lost count. I am pretty even now. I don't sink so low anymore where I feel overcome and swim in the bipolar disorder. Last year, I did have some depression, but it didn't last very long, just about a few days, and it was "light" compared to how severely to generally low before, I felt noticeably stable. I am definitely stable.

When I got off 5 of my 7 meds, like you I was weaned off, and it took about a year for that to happen, one by one. A couple of them nearly overlapping, My doctor was scrutinizing and meticulously careful. He was pretty expert and astute in medications, and uncannily, insightful about them, considering that he has never been mentally ill. However, he is very practiced and experienced. He also had the patience of a Buddha. I admired that quality, so I took him as a role model in that regard. I believe it helped me.

You would think 16 months would be enough time to get there, but when it comes to recovering out of something like depression, bipolar disorder, or any of the other mental illnesses or conditions, especially after going through it for decades, it actually takes a lot longer than one would expect to recover. There are people who seem to recover very brightly and quickly, but most people don't. It's almost like being the kid in the care saying, "Are we there yet?"

I have read your posts on occasion, and it seems you are mostly in a good place with your recovery, and as you said, very helpful. There are times when you "fall," that is normal. The falls will get easier to handle. That is the way for me. It's almost like riding a bicycle, but, of course, not quite so simple, but close enough,

I wonder if you feel you fell as badly into depression as you felt before. For myself, I could tell the difference that I don't fall off and feel far into my highs and lows as badly, and it doesn't even last that long. I can feel that I can catch myself in time, to keep myself from getting that low. When I am not sure my mindfulness and CBT skills that are like reflex and part of me now, like practiced breathing, and has changed my negative thoughts  to realistic positive thoughts and attitudes. I generally live in the spirit of positive, open view and possibilities. That's the best way I can describe it. My mind is like a quiet in a world peppered with storms. I don't react to things badly anymore. I can stay above it, although, like I said, I can feel myself tipping every now and then. I learned to be patient and just take things at the moment. I don't expand beyond that. Castastrophic or doomed thinking used to be easy for me to fall into. Depression just loved to nudge me in that way of thinking,

I liked what Ruby Wax had to say about using mindfulness techniques to get out of the negative things that depression just loves to get us into, I believe she said it was like attracting flies to flypaper. She is on your side of the pond, She has depression, but she is a mental health advocate and more, besides a person in the entertainment industry there, and worked in projects with the BBC. She has a book out, called "Sane New World: Taming the Mind," you may find helpful. It was a best seller in the UK for a while. It is presently making a presence here in the USA.

I do have a simple tea I like to indulge in on rainy or cloudy, cold days and when I feel low. I initially used it for stomach problems and digestion, but it also has a relaxing, positive calming effect in a gentle way. I have looked it up and found that it does have anti-depression effects. It's basically a concoction of manly turmeric with the added sweetness and other contributing health benefits of cinnamon,a little bit of  ginger and honey for sweetness. I have a sweet tooth:) It is just as soothing as petting a curled up lap cat.

[nursegirl6572]

You're allowed to have bad days!  And, you're allowed to vent about them!  That's what we're here for!  You're s tough cookie, this too shall pass!

XOXO