WHAT TO DO ? HOW TO BE ?

[hazel2964]

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR TWENTY-THREE YEARS NOW AND LET ME TELL YOU THE FIRST NINE YEARS WERE HELL. THE FIRST TIME HE HIT ME WAS TWO DAYS AFTER WE GOT MARRIED, THEN OF COURSE CAME THE " I'M SORRY IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. BUT GUESS WHAT ? YUP IT DID AND IT CONTINUED FOR ALONG TIME UNTIL HE WENT TO THE HOOKY POKEY FOR TWO YEARS FOR A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASON . BEFORE THAT I HAD LEFT HIM I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES WITH OUR FOUR KIDS BUT I ALWAYS CAME BACK BECAUSE I REALLY HAD NO WHERE TO GO NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT MEMBERS OF MY OWN FAMILY WERE TELLING ME TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE !!. ( YEAH NICE WAY TO GIVE FAMILY SUPPORT HA? ) ANYWAYS I WENT THROUGH A LOT OF BAD THINGS AS A CHILD THINGS I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE AND AS A TEENAGER I TRIED TO TAKE MY LIFE ON TWO OCCASIONS AND AFTER I GOT MARRIED I TRIED ANOTHER FOUR TIMES. I WAS ON MEDS FOR AWHILE BUT I STOPPED TAKING THEM AND LEARNED TO MANAGE THINGS ON MY OWN OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT I DID. FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS I'VE BEEN HAUNTED DAILY BY ALL OF THESE MEMORIES, THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED DURING MY CHILDHOOD AND DURING MY MARRIAGE AND I AM SO PISSED EVERYDAY AND I THINK OF WAYS TO JUST END IT SO I CAN JUST QUIT PLAYING IT OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD BUT THEN I FEEL GUILTY AFTERWARDS BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IT WILL DO TO MY KIDS AND THEY DON’T DESERVE WHAT THIS WOULD DO TO THEM BUT I'M TIRED AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE IT'S LIKE THE DEMONS ARE OUT AND FOR SOME REASON THIS TIME I CAN'T FIND THE STRENGTH TO BURY THEM WHERE I'VE KEPT THEM FOR SO LONG, LIKE THEIR STRONGER THAN ME NOW.. I HATE THIS I HATE FEELING THIS WAY AND I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT THE HELL ALONE. AND I AM TIRED OF EVERYONE ASKING ME IF I'M OKAY AND GET THIS MY HUSBAND SAYS HE KNOWS WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH AND THAT HE IS THERE FOR ME. HE CLAIMS HE CAN'T REMEMBER EVER BEATING ME THE WAY I DO. I WISH I COULD JUST SLAP THE **** OUT OF HIM AND I HATE HIM AND I'M GOING TO START MY COUNSELING SOON BUT I'M SCARED THAT IT'S JUST GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE BECAUSE THESE ARE THINGS I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE. WHAT DO I DO? I'D LIKE TO JUST GO AND BE ON MY OWN FOR A DAY BUT I DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY OF THAT BECAUSE I'M NEVER ALONE NEVER. ONE OF THE KIDS ARE WITH ME OR HIM OR MY MOM I JUST FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE THESE PEOPLE AROUND ALL THE TIME AND I JUST WANT SOME PEACE AND I WANT TO BE HAPPY IS THAT ASKING TO MUCH?.... AM I JUST FEELING SORRY FOR MY SELF OR IS THIS NORMAL?? BECAUSE BELIEVE ME I HAVEN'T FELT NORMAL FOR THIRTY-FOUR YEARS

[Jlfg]

Thank you for your advice.  I also feel I've lost myself sometimes.  I don't know what my interests are or hobbies could be.  
We are finally back home from the hurricane.  We just now got power and cable back.  God luck with your daily life.  I pray for your happiness.

[hazel2964]

THANKS
I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER FOR YOU TO. ALL OF MY KIDS ARE ADULTS NOW THEY ARE 19,20,22 AND 23, BUT EVEN THOUGH THEIR OLDER THEY DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE REGRETS ONE HAS ONCE THEY ARE OLDER. LIKE THE WHAT IF'S AND I SHOULD HAVE COULD HAVE BUT NEVER DID'S. I UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILDREN ARE YOUNG AND THEY NEED YOU BEFORE ANYONE ELSE IN THEIR LIVES BUT JUST REMEMBER I'VE BEEN IN THIS MESS FOR 23 YEAR'S AND I HAVE STUCK IT OUT MY KIDS AND THEY ARE THE ONE AND ONLY THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT I DON'T REGRET. BUT IT SEEMS LIKE NO MATTER WHAT WE AS MOTHER'S GO THROUGH WE NEVER FIND THE TIME FOR OURSELVES, WHAT I'M WANTING TO TELL YOU IS THIS. IF YOU HAVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO ARE WILLING TO HELP YOU WITH THE KIDS GO TO A MOVIE OR FOR A DRIVE JUST GET AWAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I HAVE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO DO THAT AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THAT, THAT I NO LONGER KNOW WHO I REALLY AM. I'VE CHANGED SO MANY TIMES TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY THAT IN THE END I FOUND THAT MY IDENTITY WAS LOST IN THE PROCESS. YOU NEED FRIENDS AND YOU NEED DO THINGS WITH YOUR FRIENDS. AS SOON AS I GOT MARRIED EVERY FRIEND I HAD WAS A STRANGER TO ME BECAUSE I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS THE ONLY FRIEND I HAD THAT NEVER GAVE UP ON ME WAS MY BEST FRIEND FROM THE AGE OF NINE AND WHEN SHE GOT MARRIED I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO BE HER MAID OF HONOR JUST BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WAS NOT ASKED TO BE THE BEST MAN BUT HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT MY FRIENDS SOON TO BE HUSBAND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME AND MUCH LESS HIS DUMB ***, DON'T END UP LIKE ME. PLEASE !!!! ENJOY YOUR LIFE A LITTLE AND KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND NEVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT I WISH WITH ALL MY HEART THAT I COULD'VE PRACTICED WHAT I AM NOW PREACHING BUT I WAS AND AM STILL A REALLY WEAK PERSON. example -  I WENT WITH MY DAUGHTER TO GET SOME FOOD LAST NIGHT AND TO ME IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS TAKING FOREVER AND I FOUND THAT I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT COMING HOME A LITTLE LATE WONDERING WHAT HIS REACTION WOULD BE....EVEN THOUGH HE HAS NOT HIT ME IN A FEW YEARS .I HATE THAT I'M STILL AFRAID OF HIM. REMEMBER MORE THAN ANYTHING THAT OUR KIDS LEARN WHAT THEY SEE AND IT'S NOT SO MUCH WHAT WE SAY TO  THEM THAT MATTERS THEY WILL BE HAPPY AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY. SO BE STRONG AND BE A LITTLE FREE.....

[Jlfg]

Thank you for sharing your struggle.  I hope the forum will be a good resource for you.   I would say to let out all those bad memories, it will hurt for awhile remembering, but once you remember, say it outloud, talk about, then you can slowly release the negative thoughts, and you'll feel better.  I know how it is to never have alone time.  Sometimes its a blessing to have family always around, but sometimes I would like to at least go to the bathroom bymyself! Ha!  Now, I really try to take some time out for myself.  ANd I'm not talking about shopping sprees, hanging out with friends, or sitting outside and reading a book-I'm talking about at least giving myself the opportunity for a long shower, this computer time is mine (even though it's almost 3 am).  It took me this long for me time, but its worth it.  Or I go to the gas station by myself [the silence in the car is wonderful after a long day of cahos (spelling)].  But soon I'll, when the kids get older, I'll be able to break away for more fun stuff.  Now, it is really all about them, so the simple serenity I give myself will do for now.  Anyways, sorry, I meant to focus on you, not me.  No, you are not just feeling sorry for yourself.  What you are feeling is real and it's important.  Pay attention to your feelings and seek help in ways that are comfortable for you right now.  Like this forum, consuling, med, etc.
Take Care.  Ps-warning my spelling, grammer, and punctuation will always be horrible.
Sorry. It's like my brain and fingers are trying to race eachother, and then don't feel like going back to fix it.  Ha!