AT ROPES END AND NEEDING A FRIEND!!

[spitfire989]

I'm new to this forum, and decided to join as a "last ditch" effort.~~~I will try to give you an overview of what is going on.~~~At this point in my life, I am totally at the end of my rope and not sure what I'm going to do next. But whatever it is, I'm not gonna like it.~~~~From the time I was born til I was 7, I was placed in some aweful foster homes (memories I still carry), when I was 7 I was "adopted" by a family that was relatively well to do. I thought Oh wow, a family that "wanted me" and I could have the things I never did before, ie, a doll, clothes, etc....What I learned as I grew up was that this "family" was not one of the "close/ lovey-dovey" ones.  They tended to be one that RARELY showed emotions/feelings.  And in a sad sense NEVER bonded with me, as that was'nt allowed.----Well, I grew up, and have had TOTAL SADNESS ever since. ( I have ALWAYS felt as though I was the poster child for the school of hard knocks)----I had my children early, am divorced from my ex (because of things he did illegally) and EVERYDAY  of my life is filled with sadness, dis-connection, and anger.----No matter what I ever did, in my "families" eyes, I was never good enough.----PERIOD.~~~Well, over the years my "mother" has helped me out with bills, and what not. As I'm sure ANY parent would,--as I know I would/will and have with mine.--No questions asked.--Not because I had to--BUT BECAUSE I LOVE THEM!~~~Well, recently (actually on Christmas Eve) I lost my job because I did a very DUMB stupid thing, and that was take some money from an individual.--I was arrested and charged with Petty Larceny ( I don't go to court til February).--I know what I did was wrong, but I did it cuz I was DESPERATE.  I only bring home about 275/week, I was struggling to pay bills, preenting things from getting dis-connected, and whatnot,---and recently was diagnosed with MS, and having a HARD TIME paying the co-pays for the meds.--NOW, I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG.--I KNOW THAT.-----And if I could go back in time and change it --I would.-----Well, what is "killing me" is since my mother has found out, she has been totally mean/heartless. (In ways, you can't imagine)---BEFORE and AFTER getting my Dx of MS, my mother has been very cold about it all. (the damage it has and will do to my body), I moreless was told I'm an EMBARRASSMENT to her because I have MS. Telling me, "Well ya better figure something out, cuz I AIN'T taken care of ya!) WHAT A THING FOR A MOTHER TO SAY TO THEIR 'CHILD'!!!--- I would like to say, I NEVER  asked for MS, I NEVER asked for it to affect my legs, balance, mind, whatever.--- Well, after she found out about the "issue" at work, and since losing my job--she has REALLY BEEN COLD/ AND UNBELEIVABLYHEARTLESS.----She know I am on "suspension" until court, or I find another job, and that things at the house will go down and down fast.--Meaning because I was behind on bills before, cuz I barely made 275/week, that things are gonna start getting shut off here(heat, electric, cable, etc) not to mention I don't have money for groceries.---She has told me "in my hour/time of need", I'm tired of helping you out over and over, and I refuse to now.--She mentioned that she does not care whether the utilities get shut off, whether I have heat, electric, food, meds, whatever. And that she could careless if I end up on the streets.  Again, I can't beleive a mother would say that to a "daughter".--She told me the day after Xmas, that she REGRETS ever adopting me, cuz I've been such a "failure" and "disgrace" to her!!~~~Yesterday, she came over (I live next door) and "tossed" what Xmas gifts I "maanged" to get her, at me, and told me "She did'nt want them, take them back to the store"!~~And AGAIN told me, she does'nt care if I'm in this trailer with no heat, electric, food,cable, whatever,  That maybe I should just find a job and get out of here! That I've never amounted to anything and probably nevr will.-----She told me that again, basically I'm a loser/failure.----What bothers me the most, is her lack of love/care/ whatever.----Ok, yes, she's helped me out alot over the years with stuff (financially--as she was left with quite a bit after my father passed in 91),and whatever, has helped after our house burned to the ground 2 years ago, ( it was from an electric cord on the porch, and we (myself and my daughter) were not home.--She helped me get another trailer and put it next to her (as she has a SERIOUS issue of control, manipulation,(always has). I think/feel, she "helped" so that I would be next door, and she would look "Good" in the neighbors eyes,(as she ALWAYS) worries about that. She always tells me, What will the neighbors think?" You "look" like a failure to them!~~~I guess what's hurting me SO MUCH is how could a so called mother, tell a child, you wished you never adopted them,----tell them they are a failure/loser,---tell them they don't care if you have all of your utilities shut off and you have no food,---tell them your a disgrace----tell them they don't care if you have MS and it eats away at your body---that you can't get your meds,---that she does'nt care if I end up on the streets---just whatever,  WHY? WHY OR HOW COULD A MOTHER SAY AND DO THAT TO A CHILD. Even if I'm 43, I'm still "her child", ya know what I'm saying?------I guess, NEEDLESS, to say, I'm very hurt, sad, and scared. And don't know what to do or feel.  And that is why I joined this group, to see if I could talk to someone--so I don't feel so lonely, sad, hurt, just whatever.  I have signed up for Counciling, but NEED something now,----I know for a fact, I DON'T want to lose my utilities, would like to be able to get food, meds, DON'T want to end up on the streets.--And DON'T understand how------why----she's being so cold to me.---It really makes you wonder if living is worth it.---Everyday, I pray that God takes me, instead of taking someone from a family that loves them..(But, hell, probably even in death,I'd be a failure/loser/disgrace to her).---So, if ANYONE out there can help me out --talk to me about this, or whatever---I'd be so very greatful.---Sorry, for the long note.

[LeftCoastChick]

It sounds like you have immense resentment towards your family. I didn't have a great childhood either, my folks were distant and my mother emotionless and abusive. I was told constantly if I didn't behave they would send me back to the adoption agency.

I was like you in my 20's, expecting to have my family take care of me because I thought they "owed" me due to their treatment, I'm getting the impression that you feel the same way. I always thought they would help me in times of needs. My folks just eventually put their 2 feet down.  That was a real eye opener for me, and it was the best thing they could ever do. You have to take responsibility for your actions, many folks who've been really poor do not steal, trying to rationlize why you did it doesn't make it better. I've sold almost everything I've owned to make sure I've had a roof over my head and food. I've gone for 2-3 days at a stretch without food at one point. You should have no expectations because of your mother's never working that you should have the same benefit.  Being a parent is a full time job, and that doesn't come with a salary. My mother is the same as your's, esteemed by the community and I used to get terribly angry. You have to let that go though, or it will eat you up. You need to take responsibility for your own life and move on.

It took years for my mother and I to really talk about what went on, her admitting that she was a bad parent, I also took responsibility for my anger, expectations and erratic behaviour. We have since become fairly close. In the last few years I have not taken my family for granted, and I'm very thankful for that. I've got a couple of serious illnesses and on long term disability,my pay has been cut drastically and without my folks help, I wouldn't be able to eat. I have enough to cover my montly bills, meds and rent, but nothing left over for food. I am 40 and just because I am their child does not mean they have to help me, they've done their job. I'm thankful that I've had some hard lessons in life. It's made me a stronger and more independant person. My brother is the opposite and now he can't hold down a job, lives at home and has no life to speak of. He never got the tough love because he has a serious learning disability and minor brain damage from birth.

It sounds like you are finally figuring it out, you need to stand on your own two feet and in the end you will be very proud of yourself for doing it.

[ILADVOCATE]

That's terrible what you are going through but for some specific advice on how to get some support you need such as applying for SSI/SSDI if you need income support, supported housing for people with psychiatric disabilities as well as other supports and services speak to your local independent living center who can advocate for you. Here's a list of all of them. There's one in every county of every state:
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/newYork.html
and if you can't find immediate help and things continue to be this out of hand call Adult Protective Services on your own behalf and they can make sure you have the supports and services you need.

[spitfire989]

Thank you so much for getting back to me.~~~You are SO RIGHT!!!!  ~~~For starters, my mother and your, could be "twins" and they don't even know it!!!-------  And Yes, I STILL  have a shread of "fight" in me, which is why I am on this forum. And am trying to make an effort.-----As for the court thing---well needless to say, I hope I don't go to jail, I was told I will probably have to make restitution, pay a fine and maybe probation.---Which is fine by me.-----OH, I could only IMAGINE the embarrassment if I were to go to jail!!~~~~As for leaving my mother, I know that in order to have a shread of happiness (something I have'nt EVER had outside the births of my daughters) 19 and 23 years ago.----I was told almost the same thing you mentioned, that in order to be happy I NEED to leave.---And once I do, it'll be a slam to her, cuz then she will realize she's LOST control!   And Lord knows, she's been good at control over the years.---She has controlled me with her attitude, moeny, whatever.----She is REAL GOOD at sitting pretty in her White Mansion (that my father's hard work, built--gave her) and contolling and passing judgement,~~~She NEVER had to work a day in her life since marrying my father, and only started working PT about 8 yrs ago, as a Town Clerk and Court clerk.---She has never had to see what it's like to make 275/wk, and have things shut off, or go without.----To people in the community--she's GOLDEN!!  She's good about making herself look wonderful in the community---but what people don't see is what she is BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!~~~As I said, yes, she has helped me out alot over the years, and all, and now tells me she's " washing her hands of me".  But, why would she let me suffer like this!!???  WHAT WILL THAT GAIN HER????~~~~I am trying DESPERATELY to find a job, go to Social Services, and find a way OUT OF HERE!!!   iF i COULD LEAVE TODAY--I WOULD!!!~~~~If I could leave with my animals (dog, cat) that I love immensely (after all I have to have something to love) and have aplace to stay, be warm happy and have something to eat, find a job/apartment----I'D BE GONE NOW!-----But, I will do all I can to leave.---AND NOT LOOK BACK!!!!----iT'S HARD TO LOOK BACK ON SOMETHING THAT YOUR TRYING TO RUN FROM!!!~~~~Well, again thank you for your help and I hope we can stay in touch---since we have "mirrored" lifes!-----I think we both could be helpful to each other.---ok, well, get back if ya can/want.----Thanks LIZ

[AnneyMay54]

Hey girl, you're singing my song!!! Except that I was born illigetimately and my mother kept me so that she would have someone to kick around. I took it until I was 40 years old, then I went back to school and got around people that were going somewhere. It took time but being in a positive enviroment gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. You have MS...I have obesity, the result of molestation. I had my children when I was very young and never married their fathers which, as it turns out, was one of my better decisions. I hear your pain and confusion but, and don't take offense to this, I also hear your martyrdom. Probably learned from you mother. She sounds like a piece of work and should get together with my mother so they can cry on each others shoulders. What you need is to quite giving your own self-power away. You need to get ahold of it and use it for yourself before you crash which, at this moment, would seem to be the easier thing to do. Well, your right BUT the fact that you wrote to this forum shows that you are still willing to reach out to make it all work somehow. So that shows me that you are a woman that has some guts to her. For a quick fix regarding your mom and the MS. You can tell her that her embarrassment regarding your MS is not your concern. That is what is the deal with her, she is embarrassed that you are not "normal" which is absolutely insane on her part so you have to put that insanity back in her lap so that she has to deal with it....not you. As for your breaking the law, well, it will put you in a position of being taken care of even if it is behind bars wouldn't it. More power to you if you can do that. Personally, I like to walk out my door at home anytime I want so that I can find other avenues for help. You will still have to pay the consequenses of what you did but you might think about what you can do to stay outside of the jail cell since there are many, many avenues you can take to get help. It really is uncanny how our lives are so parallel. I lived next door to my mom for 10 years in a duplex until I figured out that my being there fed her maryterdom complex. Which as it turns out, just like you, was feeding mine to. I had to take resposibility for my part in that and I stopped telling her all my tales and woes and went for help where I could really get some and I could get up on my own two feet and get out...which I did. YOU CAN TOO!!
I found a job and left 9 years ago and have never looked back. I have never felt so free. I still see mom on occasion but it is on my terms. We had a couple go arounds about her respecting me in my own home and I did have to throw her out finally. That was the most quiet and wonderful year of my whole life. She finally did come around because her curiosity just couldn't stand it anymore and she did try her sharp comments to hurt me, but by then I was telling to not talk to me in that manner or to get out...her choice. She stayed and we actually had a nice visit. We do not see each other very much by my own choice. It is not that I don't love her, she's my mom, but I love me more now. Enough to protect myself like she never did or would. It really feels great. The thing is this, you have to take responsibility for what you have done to contribute to this mess of a relationship with your mother. It is a train wreck from what I can gather. Taking responsibility doesn't mean that you have to continue with the relationship as it is, or that you even have to have a relationship with her at all. So you see, this is all the power that you are giving away. Power that you need to pull yourself up and walk forward. Perhaps in the opposite direction of your mother, perhaps not. BUT you can choose. If you want to stay miserable you can make that choice and deal with everything that goes along with it, but it is your choice...not anyone else's not even your mom's. You can leave by your own choice and deal with everything that goes along with that choice. Which, for me, was the better. You will have to decide for yourself. There are organizations for MS that you can contact that will help you. My cousin has MS, lives in a small town and they even have people there to help her. So contact them and see what you can do. I am not saying that all of this is going to be easy, in fact it is dog gone scary at first but the payoff is wonderful and the freedom that making your own choices and taking responsibility for those choices, gives you is undescribably wonderful. Your choice dear...what ya gonna do?