What is mentally wrong with me?

[laurajones999]

I constantly screw up at work - mostly by saying something stupid.  I get really nervous and always say something idiotic, as if I am an idiot, however, I am intelligent.  I think everyone at work dislikes me.

I constantly think of suicide by taking a bottle of Ambian & Xanax.  I think I have nothing to live for, and don't bother getting dressed up anymore. I think everything I do is a waste.  I am not interested in my job, although I do hold a full-time job.

If I am under the least bit of stress, I start uncontrollably crying and become speechless.  I have no energy what so ever.  It is a struggle for me to do chores and keep my house clean.  I am barely making it.  I have no energy at work, although I do the least bit that I have to do, to try not to get exhausted.  

Please HELP!

[el_dave]

It was that way for me, too. I couldn't sleep without a pretty strong "cocktail" of 2 oz. nyquil, 2 OTC sleep aids, .5 mg xanax and whatever sleeping pill (ambien, lunesta, etc.) I had access to at the time. Yet all I really wanted to do was sleep. That's because I didn't want to face the day. One day I decided to sleep forever, and I started mixing xanax and alcohol, got wasted enough to do it, and pured about 50 xanax down the hatch and kept drinking. Unfortunately, I had wanted to expire outside and a nosy neighbor saw me and called my wife who called my daughter, who baker acted me. After getting out of the hospital I had to go straight to the funny farm for observation. I passed with flying colors and they let me out, and here I am... crazy as ever, except now I have a mission. Perhaps that's what you need too.. a mission. My mission is to help my girlfriend become independent of everyone, including myself. She's okay emotionally (most of the time) and we're working on the financial part now. A "side effect" mission is to have my wife completely accept my girlfriend with no hurt feelings. That's going very well, too. With a mission, I wake up eager to face the world and work at it. Is there nothing at all that you would like to do? Have you got a "significant other"? Do you want one? Are you stuck in New York? I ask that because we used to live in Valley Stream and I found it quite depressing in the long run. If you can, you might consider a vacation. Puerto Rico is VERY nice if you go to the West Coast, and tickets can be had for a pittance from Orlando. Anyway, that's just one thing you might think of as a "mission". Next time we go up to NY to visit family the Icepick (my wife) and I will buy you a beer.. howzzat?

-El Dave

[laurajones999]

Thank you so much!  You have helped me a lot!  You are right about me having lack of confidence.  I do need to act more confident in myself - I suspect the people around me know that I have no confidence in myself.

I used to have hobbies, but I really am not interested in doing anything except for laying around and sleeping.   I am on anti-depressant (Effexor for 3 years, and now I am off that, and am trying Cymbalta for the past month), also Ambian for sleep.  I know that sounds weird cause I want to sleep all day, but I cannot sleep at night without the Ambian.  Now I am taking Xanax for anxiety, however, it is not strong enough - only .25 mg.  It does nothing - if I take 4 of them I feel something.

Thanks for listening and for the advice - it has helped more than you know.  

As far as what I would like to do --- I don't know anymore.  I feel like just sleeping.  

[el_dave]

I have a girlfriend who is wonderful. She is very intelligent, witty, fun to be around, very loving and caring. When I met her she was much as you describe yourself to be. She hasn't changed a bit, only her perception of herself has changed. People around her had sensed her lack of self confidence and self esteem and had been playing on those factors to get her to see and do things their way, and since they're not actually as bright nor as well intentioned as she, that led to disasters for which she'd accept blame, making things worse. Today she has two jobs, and despite still being under the same roof with her alcoholic mother and addict husband, has a bright future and plans that are working out. It helped to have someone truly love her (that was me, I'm very fortunate) but she could have done it at any time herself just by taking a good look at herself and seeing that "her" problems were actually the problems of people around her. Perhaps some of those same factors are operating in your sphere. Thing is, you might be surprised to find that a number of people admire you if you'd give them a chance to express it. Another thing is, you have as much right to be here as anyone else. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations except your own. If you're doing your best to be a decent person then to heck with what anyone else might think or expect. And if you're a misfit, keep in mind that most misfits aren't that because they're not good enough to fit in, they're that because the world doesn't meet their expectations.

Are you alone? Have you any hobbies? What do you like to do? Alternately, what would you like to do?

-El Dave

[April2]

I've heard that short term memory loss is actually very common in depression. It sounds like you are very hard on yourself. You need to relax and give yourself a break. We all say and do stupid things. The more you beat yourself up and the more hyper sensitive you are to what you are doing and saying, the more likely you will stumble and make mistakes. It can become a vicious circle. That's why I said force yourself to relax, take deep breaths and look yourself in the mirror every morning and say something nice to yourself. Sure, you will feel silly at first but who cares? No one will be able to see you. Make yourself think of at least one thing good about yourself every day and say it outloud to yourself. Like, I am very creative. I am a compassionate person who cares about people. I am a good person. I am smart and capable. Say it and believe it. When negative thoughts come immediately push them out and firmly tell yourself, "No, I will not listen to negative thoughts. I am a good person!" Practice it over and over.

Also, try acting self-confident even when you don't feel it. That's what attracts people. And smile at people. That shows them that you are a friendly person. If you act nervous, mad, sad, or upset it will push people away. So, try acting self-confident and self-assured even if you don't feel it right away. And if you suspect people are talking about you, etc., ignore them. Act like you don't even notice.

I think it would be a good idea to take a stress relief type class to help you manage stress. Exercise also helps. And consider talking to a therapist and see if maybe an anti-depressant or anxiety medication would be good for you short term.
I wish you the best. Hang in there and don't give up. I believe in you! :)

[laurajones999]

.... also forgot to mention.....  I have a very bad memory problem ---  I forget things constantly.  I think my co-workers think (or know) I have mental problems.