What is wrong with me?

[Apollo4x]

I am 27 years old and have been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember clearly, since middle school, but it wasn't that sever back then.  As the years have gone along I have slowly gotten worse till here recently when for some reason it hasn't been getting worse slowly it is like some one has pushed it into over drive and it has a mind of its own.  To top it all off looking back after the other symptoms getting worse I realize now that during the periods when the depression would stop I would be uncharicteristically happy for me, but at the time like my depression it was so slight I didn't pay it any attention.

Now however I have been finding my self for the past 2 or so years crying my eyes out frequently (here recently every time it hits I'm crying my eyes out all day).  Then during the days that I'm not depressed I find my self so hyper and so happy that I am practically bouncing off the wall and my mind is racing and I can't seem to keep my thoughts on one thing for very long, and this usually lasts almost all day and like my depression is getting more intense.

So I don't know what is wrong with me am I suffering from depression or what.  Right now the constant flipping from one emotional point to another is driving me mad and making me feel like I'm losing my mind.  Not to mention the strain that this is putting on my parents and my relationships with my friends.  I just don't know any more, all I know is I can't go on this way and it feels like one day I might do something to some one else when I'm in my hyper state or that I might enact one of my many suicide plans.  PLEASE for the love of GOD if some one out there has any suggestions or knows what this could be please let me know because I'm at my wits end and feel like my mind is just slipping away!!!!!!!

[tish29]

Hi, dont give up you have someone that understand you and ready to be there.First have you seen any doctor.

[Daybreaker82]

I found your post to Apollo4x last Dec very helpful, thank you.

I too, have been suffering from serious depression for years and have only now at 26 begun to get a grasp on this and start treatment. I am very good lately with no sugar, caffeiene etc. And exercise.. Also on Wellbutrin SR which has helped a lot . though I still get depressed sometimes ( only been on it a month ) but I don't feel hopeless. also my obsessive thoughts / worrying have majorly chilled out. I can actually relax for once. But you are so right there's not an overnight cure. I am thinking that though the chemistry in my brain is getting better - I was so used to this old thought pattern that it's going to take a while to heal and find new ways to see / think / live.

I too, completely broke down last year and felt like I lost everything. Including my mind, thankfully I  got through it without too much harm done to myself. Though I feel emotionally like I am still recovering. But I do feel like I am becoming more myself than I ever have before. However, it's a scary feeling to let go of ego and all the things you relied on for so long to "get by" with in life. Sometimes I think I was more popular and having more fun when I was the other way. But I was also more lost.

I just turned 26. I guess ... I am starting now to build my life up again this time from truth - it's not easy and people aren't always that encouraging but I guess these are the lessons we have to learn in our life time. Anyways, hope this makes sense to someone.

[Apollo4x]

Sorry I have been away for so long I was practically fighting to stay alive until I saw the doctor and she put me in the hospital.  In the end the doctor told me it wasn't depression that I was suffering from it was bipolar disorder.  Thank you for all your help though.

Now that I have been to the doctor/hospital and I am on treatment I feel normal for the first time in years.

[uberadtx]

Merry Christmas!  I am glad you posted. Severe depression is many things and its not always a constant state of sadness. Its something most people don't realize when you say the word depression.  Depression is anger, numbness, sadness, and racing thoughts.  Everyone who has it cycles through soo many different levels of depression.  You have no control over your emotions or thoughts or ideas.  You can certainly experience days of elation while depressed but there is no long term relief.  This is a very serious illness and you need to treat it that way.  As someone who has "been there, done that" I can tell you that what you are experiencing is classic depressive disorder.  You have reached the point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, thats a miracle.  I have no idea if you have been treated for this before or not so I will give you some suggestions.

First, its time to get yourself to the doctor and tell them, "I am severely depressed and I need help".  There is no reason that YOU or anyone should feel uncomfortable.  Like I said, depression is serious and this illness has already robbed you of relationships, a normal life and if left untreated your own.  But I tell you that its a tough road battling this illness.  Its just like cancer.  You can arrest it but you are forever changed.  Getting well requires more than medication and a weekly trip to a therapist.  It takes lifestyle changes, nutritional changes and support.  It also take perseverance on your part.  Patience and the knowledge that you will not be 'cured' in one day, one week or one month.  You have to attack what is going on aggressively, so put on your body armour!!  Its time to educate yourself about this illness so get busy.  You need to start changing your routine and write down small changes you need to make.  Whether its walking a block once a day or  once a week.  Its time to eliminate caffeine and sugar and increase your Vitamin B intake.  You also have to nuture yourself.  Make it a goal everyday to do something you enjoy.  Lastly, if something doesn't feel right or doesn't help change it immediately.  Its somewhat of a mystery as to what helps one person and not someone else.  With that being said, you have to seek out things that help you get better.  Of course, all of this sounds easy but its not.  Your depression doesn't want you well.  It will keep you sick at all costs so you have act upon that.  You have to do anything it takes to arrest this disease and part of it is changing the way you think about it.  You are not a victim, you are not powerless over this illness, it just makes you feel that way.  That is the true nature of depression.  I have suffered my whole life also until everything collapsed and it was like I was in a barren wasteland.  That wasteland being my existence.  It was humbling, terrifying and all at once completely freeing.  There is life out there though.  The journey is rough so pack only what you can carry.  Keep posting here and let me know your thoughts.