When is it better to cry?

[Lizzytish1313]

The last time I reached out was disappointing, but I have another question. Perhaps somebody in the community will answer with a little more compassion than my last question generated. Okay, so when we're brokenhearted, does crying serve any therapeutic purpose? I'm wondering if I don't feel less depressed when I don't yield to tears. Then I wonder what happens if I stuff these feelings?

I work that gratitude list like you wouldn't believe. The gratitude list is what's kept me from absolute despair. That technique is simply about working a word or two like "gratitude," "peace," "love," even "beauty" and there are others, but "gratitude" is best... the technique works, these words are powerful (I call them "depression suppressants," lol) but I'm wondering about the need to cry. Does that dam of tears just behind my eyes have to break ... be given voice and space ... to go away? Or will it ever go away? I would really like it to go away.

[persephonedemeter]

Well, I should  probably let it go, but I'll respond; then I will let it go.

When people go through rough times, they get "off track." It can bring  a lot of other stuff up. I read her other posts like you did, and I often do that. I don't know what your experience is, but When people make comments about someone on aside and refer to people as OP's or patients in front of them, it's not very kind. She said she is right there. If you read her other post, you would know that was an issue. You said you couldn't see it. So, I'm pointing it out to you, There is also tone of an answer, Lizzytish talked about about a dam of tears in back of her eyes, and that sounds like she is really hurting. The last thing I think she would need is straight up information. The first thing I do when I see someone hurting like that and who said she was disappointed in responses is sit down and ask what is making her feel like that instead of assuming things and be sensitive about it. There were some loaded responses from others. She isn't being defensive. Someone is, but it isn't Lizzytish. If anything, she needed acknowledgement first, and information last. I get what she said about the middle school playground. People who feel like they are being treated like they are not there or are at a low point when they feel like they are just ready to break into tears usually are asking for more than information.

She didn't need boundaries set. A lot of angry people posted here, and there is such a thing as people getting angry when they feel they are treated badly by others. If you or I can't tolerate it, then like you said, walk away. If she doesn't want to post here because she doesn't feel it is helping her much or she doesn't feel like it's a good fit; then, I would think it is just the same as going to a different doctor, company, or therapist who isn't a good fit.

I am just glad that Singingbeauty really sung out to her beautifully, and she heard every word Lizzytish said and responded. I really resonated with how she said things, and everyone, including yourself said nearly exactly the same thing. Not everyone is going to gel or respond the way you like or want them to respond, and from ourselves, we all respond off note from time to time and not be able to see how we say things. Answering on forums lacks a lot of the whole picture or get a perfect sense of who you are addressing or even sound like the way you want your own answers to sound. It's not always cut and dry. I often read answers that are loaded with other stuff going on, and the only difference between reading what is said and when I hear it in person from someone's mouth, I don't have the luxury or capability to say, "Come again? I'm picking up more here than a simple answer. What's going on when you said this? etc. etc." The 2 way street is stilted. I wouldn't even try to negotiate a tense stand off on a forum like this. It's too risky on so many levels.No one's that talented in human behavior or intelligence of any kind across the board. If there is someone like that on the forum, send that person to the the diplomatic hotspots in the world.

I really liked what Lizztish had to say and I admired her for standing up for herself, spoke her mind and say what bothers her. She also sounds like she is working, is workng, knows when something worksand questioning how things are going because she hasn't given up on herself, hopes, and wants things to be better. I am not going to shoot her down for that, because I do the same thing, because I want the situations in myself and my life better that I can see needs improvement. You do it too. When you stand up, not everyone is going to pony up to seeing it your way. From what I see, she's just pointing out and hoping something sinks in, and not expecting a whole lot of change.A lot of people don't bother to do that. So, just as you support Paxiled, I'm supporting Lizzytish, because I see what she is saying and I hear what she is saying and I got it. It's not a matter of being right or wrong in this situation. I think she is entitled to be in tune with how she feels, and I don't think she was "off course" in her own post. I also used to be so low and so agitated that things prickled me. I liked what a really great nurse said who was good at listening and said this to me when I was in great despair, couldn't see the end of my depression, and allowed her to see my vulnerability. She said, "Pain  is pain. No matter where it comes. Whether it is emotional or physical." She didn't say much more, but I could see in her face and in her eyes that she got me and connected with me. She just stayed with me until I had to shift gears and soldier on. At that time, it was enough for me, and I recall that moment every now and then, when I have to go through that kind of pain again, because it is just what I need to remember.

[Lizzytish1313]

What's an OP, nursegirl? I bet the P is "patient." Still trying to figure out the O. Let's see ... nope, I got nothin'.

[Lizzytish1313]

I didn't mean you, persephonedemeter, you don't seem inclined towards being teachy, preachy or judgy. Thanks for that.

[Lizzytish1313]

Thank you. I'm glad I came back to read your post.

I'm particularly vulnerable today since my granddaughter and her step mother are coming for a short visit beginning tomorrow. My granddaughter is nine, and she's absolutely adorable and the apple of my eye. They're flying in from back East. What's incredibly weird to me is that I am struggling to hold back tears even as this happy event unfolds. I'm a creature who responds to sadness with tears and to happiness with tears. People are cruel, so I cry; people are loving, so I cry. My whole story is just too long and horrible to recite here, but the sad result is, my own children have abused me (sorry, that's the fact, hard as it is to hear) my daughter through her junkie/addict behavior and my son through his unwillingness to forgive me my faults despite my abject apologies (And you need to know that I humbly apologized for my part in our problems DESPITE the physical and mental abuse and humiliation they caused me.) But my grandchild and her adopted parents are my #1 fans, and this is extremely happy stuff. I want to be able to enjoy this rather than be a weepy puddle while they're here. So ... please don't anybody say anything mean at least until Monday afternoon. K?

[nursegirl6572]

Great detailed answer about the crying issue.  

When I said lashing out, I was referring to the turn the thread took, I sincerely think that the OP is reading things into the posts that just aren't there (my opinion).  And the last comment about "mean girls in 6th grade" kind of to me is lashing out..

Everyone needs compassion, you're right, but when someone posts on a forum like this, usually they're also expecting some kind of informative answer.  That's how I took her question anyway.  And I don't see anything but caring, straight forward replies, and it saddens me that somehow it went off track where the OP feels as though we're somehow not being kind, or helpful.

I apologize, Lizzy if anything I said made you feel as though I wasn't being compassionate.  I couldn't care more about the people who reach out on this site (and these forums).  I've been posting here for years, and it's important to me.  The last thing I would want to do is to make someone feel worse.  My comments to you (and Paxiled) after you got upset I stand by.  I had nothing but positive intentions, to hopefully get you to change your mind about the site, and also to hopefully gain some insight about the fact that perhaps some of your defensiveness could be YOUR perception (we've all been there!  That's not meant as an insult!).....and also to give you the advice that there will always be some very helpful responses, and ones you don't find as useful...hence why I said take what you need and leave the rest.  That motto has helped me on these kinds of forums a LOT.

If you just want compassion and reassurance, we can do that..but I also feel that on both of your threads, it looks like you were asking for input as well, which is what we were all trying to give you.  Sometimes honest answers aren't always easy to digest, but we don't ever grow unless we're willing to try to keep an open mind and look at ourselves and our own issues and motivations.

Anyways, I truly DO hope you stick around, and give us a chance. It's hard to read tone online, and it's easy to read intentions into posts that aren't there.  We're here to help, and we would certainly never treat you meanly on purpose.  That's just not our style.  All of us who post here do so because we like helping people, and most importantly because we can relate.  We've all been in similar situations.

[persephonedemeter]

i meant you were having it rough, You asked for compassion, and that is what Singinbequty gave you. Feeling and relating  are totally different from thinking things through. Sometimes, we don't need thinking through. We just need feeling it through, which is equally important, and that is what is missing here.