Why am I so angry amnd sad?

[phyz]

i have struggled with anger for the majority of my life-
much of which has been exlplained away by problems rooted in my childhood- and yeh, theres plenty for me to be angry about.

but ever since i gave birth to my daughter a little over two years ago my anger and sadness have multiplied. i can't control it. the sadness i can deal with- i'm just sort of somber. somedays it gets bad enough to where i contemplate suicide- however briefly- but it's not serious.

my anger however is truly scary. i try everything i know to keep myself calm- breathing, counting, meditation. but i feel often like i lose control- i scream, i slam doors, i curse, i throw things- i am afraid i'm going to start getting physical with others.

then, with all of this combined, i begin to feel totally apathetic. i don't seem to care about anything or anyone- i want nothing to do with anything or anyone- i just want to disappear. i lose all interest in everything.

i am not quite sure what triggers my anger- but i just fly into a rage at the littlest thing. it's very hard for me to control- sometimes i don't even feel it coming on.

in my normal state i am the most calm, laid-back individual on the planet. i find it so weird- i really feel like jekyll and hyde- it's very scary and i don't feel like i know myself. i feel like a terrible mother. a truly terrible mother. and it makes me cry so hard, because i know when i yell at my daughter- i don't mean it- but i can never take it back. it makes me hate myself and it is so hard to calm down.

i have talk to doctors before- they all do the same thing and give me prozac, or zoloft or paxil or whatever- and all those drugs do is make my condition worse. i get angrier, i get sadder- sometimes i space out completely on those meds. i don't like it.

i can't afford a regular psychiatrist.

i don't know what to do.

help.

[LeftCoastChick]

You may have some anger disorder as well, it's a possiblity.

[ILADVOCATE]

Perhaps you have aspects of bipolar disorder. An "agitated mixed state" is when you have the speeded up quality of mania but the down feeling of depression and it appears like you are "angry at the world". As a person who has recovered from schizoaffective disorder when I was experiencing the bipolar aspect of it that's how it came out and in bipolar that's very common. I would think your doctor would know and you could speak to them about it but a psychiatrist would know more. If you have a problem with coverage you ask your local independent living center about coverage options. There's one in every county of every state. Here's a list:
http***www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html
And one thing to know about insurance that (assuming you live in the United States) that providing coverage for a doctor and not a psychiatrist will be illegal once the mental health parity law goes into effect in Jan. 2010, regardless of coverage, with a few exceptions but I could give you more information on that if you need. I would think there should be some available options now though.