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How do I help my depressed girlfriend?
I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a girl who suffers from depression. Things have been well for the past two months since we started going out, but two nights ago she completely shut down after I made a really bad joke and has ignored all of my attempts to communicate. Her sister told me she was going through one of her episodes again, and I'm pretty sure that little argument triggered it. I really want to be there for her, and I was just wondering if I should give her space, or keep trying to contact her? How should I handle this when I can't even physically be with her for another month?
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Thank you guys so much! I managed to get her on Skype yesterday, where I apologized for the argument the other night, and tried to let her know that I was here for her. She wasn't in a very forgiving mood, and told me I was better off leaving her. She began crying and hung up on me, and it really pained me to see her so distressed. Anyways, the radio silence continues. She hasn't responded at all, even when I asked her if she needed space.
Her sister just texted me, saying that my relationship has been making her feel very insecure, and that it would be best if I leave her alone for the next month. I've always been aware of her depression and have always tried to support her and be understanding, and I just don't get why I have made her feel so insecure. Her sister also told me she has been cutting herself lately, and I'm really worried.
I have been trying not to send too many texts and emails, because I don't want her to feel any more pressure than she already is. I can only imagine what she is going through, and I feel so helpless not being able to be there for her.
I know she takes meds, and that she does have professional help. But other than that, she hasn't really opened up to me about her depression so I wouldn't know.
While its impossible for me to know what she's going through right now, it's the lack of communication that has really bothered me. I want to do everything I can to make this time easier for her, but how can I if she doesn't talk?
Her sister just texted me, saying that my relationship has been making her feel very insecure, and that it would be best if I leave her alone for the next month. I've always been aware of her depression and have always tried to support her and be understanding, and I just don't get why I have made her feel so insecure. Her sister also told me she has been cutting herself lately, and I'm really worried.
I have been trying not to send too many texts and emails, because I don't want her to feel any more pressure than she already is. I can only imagine what she is going through, and I feel so helpless not being able to be there for her.
I know she takes meds, and that she does have professional help. But other than that, she hasn't really opened up to me about her depression so I wouldn't know.
While its impossible for me to know what she's going through right now, it's the lack of communication that has really bothered me. I want to do everything I can to make this time easier for her, but how can I if she doesn't talk?
Wonderful reply above by zoefletcher (welcome to MH, btw zoe!) She covered everything!
I agree with all of her advice. Just try to be patient, let her know that you're there for her, however she needs you to be, whether it be to continue contacting her (even if she isn't always up for reciprocating), or if she would prefer a little distance.
Is your GF currently seeing a professional for her depression? What do you know about how she is managing it? When the time is right, maybe you could gently ask her about that, and encourage her to seek help if she hasn't already?
Zoe said something very important...depression is usually always a chronic condition, with ups and downs. You're SO very early into this relationship, just keep in mind that there WILL be challenges having a partner with depression. You could ask my poor husband. It hasn't been easy for him at ALL at certain times. It's a tough thing to take on. I just want you to be realistic and prepared. Don't go into this thinking (or hoping) that she'll get past this and it will be a done deal.
Very best to you, hope she is feeling better soon. Keep us updated, ok?
I agree with all of her advice. Just try to be patient, let her know that you're there for her, however she needs you to be, whether it be to continue contacting her (even if she isn't always up for reciprocating), or if she would prefer a little distance.
Is your GF currently seeing a professional for her depression? What do you know about how she is managing it? When the time is right, maybe you could gently ask her about that, and encourage her to seek help if she hasn't already?
Zoe said something very important...depression is usually always a chronic condition, with ups and downs. You're SO very early into this relationship, just keep in mind that there WILL be challenges having a partner with depression. You could ask my poor husband. It hasn't been easy for him at ALL at certain times. It's a tough thing to take on. I just want you to be realistic and prepared. Don't go into this thinking (or hoping) that she'll get past this and it will be a done deal.
Very best to you, hope she is feeling better soon. Keep us updated, ok?
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Personally though, I would suggest that you do try and communicate with her, but be very gentle in your approach and try to be as understanding as possible. The reason why I think you should contact her is if you suddenly back off, she may think you are mad at her for retreating or something like that, and this may make her feel a lot worse, and make it harder for her to contact you again. Instead I recommend that you specifically ask her gently if she needs some space, and if she says she does then comply with her needs, and tell her to contact you when she feels she is ready. It may be difficult to stay away when you know she is distressed, but sometimes people really do just need a bit of quiet time to be by ourselves, and I strongly suggest that if she does say she needs some time to herself, that you don't intrude on that unless the time period extends, say, a week and a half of her still not having contacted you back, in which case you could ask for an update on how she is and see how that goes.
I think your contact with the sister could be really useful, too. If you feel confident enough to ask, you could ask her what she thinks you should do (in terms of trying to contact her or giving her some space) as she'll know how her sister is doing and also know her sister very well, and what she thinks will be best, likely is the best move. If you do end up giving your girlfriend some space, you could stay in contact with her sister and ask her every so often how your girlfriend is. This way you get updates on how she is, which helps with the anxiety of not knowing how things are with her and may set your mind more at ease.
One last suggestion I will make is you could contact her, but make it specifically clear to her that there is no pressure for her to respond. For example, you could send her a text/email/whatever saying something along the lines of "Good morning beautiful. You don't have to reply to this, but I just wanted to say hi and that everything will be okay. Lots of love xx"
That way she still knows that you care and that you're not giving up on her, and may give her something to feel a little bit better about. It also gives her an opening to text you back if she feels like it, but because you're not pressuring her to, it takes off that stress of feeling bad because she's not replying.
I know this because I, as a girl who faces depression, often have times where I just need to pull back and be alone for a little while, and this includes not talking to people who may try to contact me. For example my boyfriend was in much the same position you are, and got quite worried when I wouldn't reply to his texts or messages. He didn't know it, but when he was sending me more texts and such, it sometimes made me feel even worse, as now I felt really bad about not replying to him. Sometimes it's not that I don't want to reply to him, I just really can't make myself do it; I just really need to be alone. Now we have a system where if I fall into another similar episode and need to have some space for a while, I'll send him a quick text saying that I'm not up to talking to people at the moment, and that I'll let him know when I'm feeling up to it. It works for us, so maybe it could work for you too?
You have to know and accept that this may not be the only occurrence of this happening in your relationship. Depression is a long-lasting thing, and no matter how happy you make her, there will be times when she will feel terribly depressed. By the sounds of it, you sound like a very considerate partner who is really trying to do the best by your girlfriend, and for this I commend you. Best wishes to you and your girlfriend, and I hope I may have helped slightly!
(Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be so long.)