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Why should I go on?
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Why should I go on?


1. I believe in anti-depressants. But I have some sensitivity to all the medicines except benzo. anti-depressants and risperidon make my body produce extreme BO or my digestive system go wack. If I lose my dignity because of the medication, my depression would be more sever so what's the point taking the medicines?
So I gave up on medication. (I think many herbs give me same effects)

and the therapy is too expensive. I, truly, CAN'T AFFORD the f**king expensive psychiatrists. Why do they cost that much? Through months of therapy all I got was 'my mom and pa is responsible and forgive them blah blah.'
Yeah everything is 'because of childhood'. Duh. Think i didn't know that? Give my money back!


2. My physical state is terrible. Can't work straight more than 6 hours so I have to rest so many hours. Can't keep a job long even when I'm really talented at it.
I was born with poor health. When I was new-born baby, my parents thought I would die soon so they didn't report of my birth. (But I survived) And strange convulsions or digestive wreckage got worse(Doctors didn't know the reason), my mom went through so much pain taking care of me, because of that, she hated me, yelled at me, said unforgivable things to me all the time. She destroyed my childhood as I destroyed her peace with my poor health.

Now I'm adult, still my body is not well without reason. Doctors don't know why I'm sick. I don't have anymore money to get more test. I went through nearly every hospitals I can afford.

Recently I developed unreasonable body odor, so the last dignity I've got disappeared.

I've survived my cruel family, I survived school, I survived cruel world(people say I'm good-natured),
But since I developed incurable body odor, last thing supported me(the dignity that I'm at least a nice, good-looking person) is gone.
Now, nothing is left to make me want to live. (and my BO is really incurable. all the doctors and alternative doctors and psychiatrists gave up on me. and every supplements and medication and diet failed.)


3. My financial state is near wreck. I won't bother you with details.


4. Because of my weak health, empty pockets, or recently of BO, no boyfriend, no friend, and no hope of meeting new people left.


5. I go to work with hung head, never smile except fake ones, come back home, do house chores(My brother is degenerative psycho, he doesn't even make his own meal and act like elementary kid) financially going down, no hope or way out anymore, no one understands me, no medication works for me or I develop sensitivity.


I used to be kinda happy person even with my poor health and my cruel family. I used to play all day even when I was sick, I traveled several country with my weak body, I was optimistic, laughed a lot, people used to tell me I'm fun.
My heart couldn't bare roller-coaster but I jumped in it anyway for my friends,
I was strong-minded, always laughing, idiotically naive good person. I always hoped something good will come someday.

Now,
nothing matters.
nothing left.

no more strength to go on.
Wait, I have some strength yet, I think I am gifted with strong mind instead of poor health,
But what's the point of going on?
What's the reason to go on? For what?

No boyfriend, Not gonna marry, no friends left, no more career I can start, no financial hope, uncontrollable body odor and less than zero dignity left, my family annoys me, can't even leave them, can't live....anymore.

Suffocating....


Maybe it's time to die for me.

Really, what's the point of living, honestly, ask yourself, what's the point of living like this?

2 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi.....I am truly sorry for all you have and are enduring, but I wish you would read between the lines, as I have.  With all the problems in your life you have accomplished so much, you are obviously a very strong person.  But I know that life can be tough especially when it starts out tough when you're just a child.  It sounds like there are issues with your parents that need to be resolved and this is a big part of your problem.  I went through this same thing and I learned to forgive them.  This doesn't mean what they did was right or that you condone their actions, it means you are laying down the anger and walking away.  No longer a victim of your childhood and being held hostage by your anger.  We can't change the past, but we can decide how we will live the rest of our life.  You sound very bright and have overcome many obstacles and this is no different.  For now forget about everything but YOU!  It's time to only think of YOU and how to get yourself to a better place emotionally.  Take it one day at a time or you will feel overwhelmed by it all.  Use that gift you have to improve your life.  Try not to worry what others think, what YOU think is all that matters.  What I did is... I thought about an orphan and how they never had anyone and yet they moved on in life knowing they were given away as a baby.  Now you may be wishing you had been given away as I did at one time, but you know what......our childhood made us stronger and wiser!!  There are clinics in every city where you can get low cost or free mental health care, look into this.  Also, journal all your feelings, thoughts and emotions...it's a form of release for us and is very therapeutic...even if you just toss them away.  YOU were meant to be here and do something wonderful with all you've endured, think about what you are most passionate about and go for it.  I truly think you have to face this problem with your parents...obviously it affected your brother as well.  When we're in therapy and the therapist starts hitting a nerve (our problem) we tend to get very angry and not want to talk about it...but you must!  Your mother was wrong and you know this but don't allow her to hold you hostage now that you're an adult.  Instead say to yourself...she was wrong and mean in her treatment of me, but I will not allow her to define who and what I am today!!  You're a survivor, set yourself free from her words and know that you are a better person today due to all you've had to endure.  My heart goes out to you because I've been where you are, and know that you can get beyond this.  I hope I've helped in some small way, and we're always here for you to talk or for you to just vent.  Big hugs....
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Avatar_f_tn
thx for your hug, your every paragraph means a lot to me.
you give me a bit light to my situation, but it's just too hard to go on anymore.

About therapy... I might had to go on with the therapy anyway but i really don't have any money, and cheaper ones are for alcoholics.... my town is small, i can't find good therapist except alcoholic ward.

My parents,...forgiving them is one thing, but the other thing is financial wreckage. I wasted my twenties and got no money to live my own life, living with my parents, can't even leave them. (also my poor health imprisoned me in half-housebound)

Wait a minute, I'm starting another ranting,
I'll cut my rambling.

What I wanted to say is your words gave me warmth of heart and I appreciate it.

I still can't find way out to anywhere,
but Thank you again.
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