1. I believe in anti-depressants. But I have some sensitivity to all the medicines except benzo. anti-depressants and risperidon make my body produce extreme BO or my digestive system go wack. If I lose my dignity because of the medication, my depression would be more sever so what's the point taking the medicines?
So I gave up on medication. (I think many herbs give me same effects)
and the therapy is too expensive. I, truly, CAN'T AFFORD the f**king expensive psychiatrists. Why do they cost that much? Through months of therapy all I got was 'my mom and pa is responsible and forgive them blah blah.'
Yeah everything is 'because of childhood'. Duh. Think i didn't know that? Give my money back!
2. My physical state is terrible. Can't work straight more than 6 hours so I have to rest so many hours. Can't keep a job long even when I'm really talented at it.
I was born with poor health. When I was new-born baby, my parents thought I would die soon so they didn't report of my birth. (But I survived) And strange convulsions or digestive wreckage got worse(Doctors didn't know the reason), my mom went through so much pain taking care of me, because of that, she hated me, yelled at me, said unforgivable things to me all the time. She destroyed my childhood as I destroyed her peace with my poor health.
Now I'm adult, still my body is not well without reason. Doctors don't know why I'm sick. I don't have anymore money to get more test. I went through nearly every hospitals I can afford.
Recently I developed unreasonable body odor, so the last dignity I've got disappeared.
I've survived my cruel family, I survived school, I survived cruel world(people say I'm good-natured),
But since I developed incurable body odor, last thing supported me(the dignity that I'm at least a nice, good-looking person) is gone.
Now, nothing is left to make me want to live. (and my BO is really incurable. all the doctors and alternative doctors and psychiatrists gave up on me. and every supplements and medication and diet failed.)
3. My financial state is near wreck. I won't bother you with details.
4. Because of my weak health, empty pockets, or recently of BO, no boyfriend, no friend, and no hope of meeting new people left.
5. I go to work with hung head, never smile except fake ones, come back home, do house chores(My brother is degenerative psycho, he doesn't even make his own meal and act like elementary kid) financially going down, no hope or way out anymore, no one understands me, no medication works for me or I develop sensitivity.
I used to be kinda happy person even with my poor health and my cruel family. I used to play all day even when I was sick, I traveled several country with my weak body, I was optimistic, laughed a lot, people used to tell me I'm fun.
My heart couldn't bare roller-coaster but I jumped in it anyway for my friends,
I was strong-minded, always laughing, idiotically naive good person. I always hoped something good will come someday.
Now,
nothing matters.
nothing left.
no more strength to go on.
Wait, I have some strength yet, I think I am gifted with strong mind instead of poor health,
But what's the point of going on?
What's the reason to go on? For what?
No boyfriend, Not gonna marry, no friends left, no more career I can start, no financial hope, uncontrollable body odor and less than zero dignity left, my family annoys me, can't even leave them, can't live....anymore.
Suffocating....
Maybe it's time to die for me.
Really, what's the point of living, honestly, ask yourself, what's the point of living like this?