depressed and screwed up

[suuzque]

I think I must have always been depressed. When I was younger I was extremely shy and had very low self-esteem. I always held everything in and I guess it went unnoticed especially since I was so quiet and well behaved. Now that I am older; 30 yrs old, married and I have 3 kids, I am learning more about who I really am. I never knew who I was before because my personality changed with every person I came in contact with because I didn't want them not to like me. Yea it was pretty pathetic. Now it seems as though I have another way to cope with my issues. They are all still there, but now I have learned that alcohol can make all of those problems go away. The bad thing is that it can also make things 10 times worse. I only drink on the days when I don't have to work the next day and I wait until the kids go to sleep, but I hate that I need to do this to relax. I also struggle with bulimia from time to time. AND I am on medication for ADHD.  I have no friends and me and my husband are always arguing. I just feel so lonely. And I hate who I am

[Mom2four85]

this all sounds very familiar and like others I've hidden my problems the majority of my life because I didn't want to get too personal with others and felt like if I told others they would think differently about me

I went to a psych dr who insulted me and made me feel bad because I am too afraid with my health problems to exercise to lose weight; I switched dr's and that one was a little better but not much and really didn't understand mental health issues; so I'm going to a new doctor to see if I can find one better suited to me.

it may be very helpful to you to find a better doctor or therapist who can help you and check your meds to see if that could be part of the problem also

[suuzque]

Thanks very much for all your comments. I did realize that I feel more depressed on the days I take the Ritalin so I began skipping days with that. I think I will make an appt with my doctor. I just hate talking to other people about my problems.

[looloo141]

Yes I agree with everyone else, you need to see a doctor about this..
ADHD is a complex disorder and many people with it have low self esteem, and feel they can't achieve in life as well as everyone else..
Are you taking stimulant medication for it i.e Ritalin? This med can cause mental health problems as a side effect, it can make you feel very down on yourself, it also can make you feel edgy, and the effects of alcohol aren't felt as much, so you need more than usual.
Alcohol is a depressant and you know it doesn't help in the long run, but I understand the need to self medicate yourself. It is good that you don't drink when you are working the next day, make sure you stick to that, don't start drinking on those days no matter how bad you feel..your liver needs those days off..
I think you should start tracking your moods and feelings, like bubulous said..and then take it with you to see a doctor, it's quite common to forget what you were going to say when you get there..
We are here for you, keep us posted!

[Bubulous]

Hello and welcome to the forum.  

I had very low self esteem almost all of my earlier years.  ADHD is bad enough but if you are not going to a therapist or keeping track of your well being it can easily worsen.  Alcohol is a good supressant but it is crippling to your health and your family.

Be prepared when you go to get help or see a therapist.  You often have little time with them so start journaling about your thoughts and feelings and be prepared to let someone know everything that is going on.  Good Luck.

[lilymoon]

Gosh Im so sorry to hear this! Do you have help,therapy? It might help you to find ways to feel better without drinking.

[kabs8]

From what you describe, sounds a lot like me.  I very shy when I was younger and had low self-esteem, which I still do a little.  I always held everything in.  But I'm older than you, I'm nearly 57.  I'd been to the doctor for minor things which now I've read could be signs of depression.  I always felt nervous and shaky.  Had my husband check my blood sugar as he has one of those machines at home and my blood sugar was always good.  Finally, I couldn't stand feeling that nervous, nothing really to be nervous about, went to my family doctor who surprised the heck outta me and sent me to a psychiatrist.  Once there with all the questions they ask, I admitted that I wished I would not wake up most days, but not suicidal.  They diagnosed major depression (which totally surprised me, I had no idea I could be depressed) and anxiety.  I've tried many meds and therapy, some helped, some didn't, and here we are 4 years later, anxiety is better, not completely though but depression is worse.  Like you, I do drink alcohol but only on nights I do not work, and I have two jobs, and you're right again, it can make things worse, but I don't care, if I'm not working, I have some drinks, but alcohol does not let me relax, it makes my emotions worse. I'm married, no children, very few friends, but no one including husband knows how I truly feel inside, except of course my doctor, and I have an appt. with therapist this week. My advice to you is to see your doctor and maybe they'll send you to a psychiatrist and/or therapist.  It may very well help you.  Sorry I went on so long about myself.  I wish you the best.