are you a horrible person for breaking up with your mother?

[littlenobody]

i had a horrible mother growing up and suffered depression all my life. she was verbally and emotionally abusive, used to tell me that nobody in the whole world cares for me, every time my father, aunts, grandparents, teachers, friends at school -anyone! were nice to me, she would tell me they were just faking, she never let me believe that ANYBODY loved me. And all my life i've been hearing that i was stupid, ugly, a burden and a pain.
now that i'm grown up and don't go home anymore she continues to harrass me by e-mail, rubbing my face on all the years she raised me etc. she still puts me down a lot, insults me, tells me i'm no good. So even with a career, postgraduate studies, buying my apartment, traveling the world, getting a steady relationship and starting my own business i feel like a total loser with a worthless life.
my therapist tells me to get away from her, not write anymore, not read her mails, because all she does is depress me, but i feel extremely guilty if i break up with my mother. somewhere inside i feel like if she's not happy i got no right to be either. would i be a horrible person if i get away from her?

[mammo]

It appears that there are a lot of us out here.  My siblings were also mental messes, druggies, and everyone did some time in prison.  I came to realize that the bad treatment I got fom my parents made me want a better life, and to be a better person.  My siblings chose one road, and I another, sometimes it's all for the better.  I feel bad for people who have had to grow up like this, as sometimes I felt like I was the only one.  But it does make us better people, and parents!

[janjam]

i just read your post and it was like reading a synopsis of my own life.  My father was a degrading weekend alcohlic although it did not take alcohol to make him mean.  My mother just withdrew into a chronicly sick mode to cope.  Nothing was wrong with her most of the time and she is 87 and still alive.  She complains all the time and I seeher as little as possible.  I have totally stopped seeing my father..My sibs are mental messes.  There are many people who think i should be visiting her ,more and just cannot understand why i do not.  I do and that's whats important.  You have done the correct thing and you have done the best thing possible by distancing yourself.  I hope you get this post

[mammo]

You need to get away from your mother!  She ruined your childhood, and is trying to ruin your adulthood!  You have nothing to feel guilty about!  I went thru the exact same thing, and had to cut off my entire family!  I have never regreted it, and have been a much happier person as a result.  I know because she's your mother, you feel an obligation to her, but she has not earned this!  It works both ways, and you're so worried about her pain, but she is still hell bent on causing you pain!  I viewed my parent's treatment of me as their own ignorance, and dealing with issues of their own, and put it all behind me.  This is a very toxic relationship for you, and it's ruining your life and health.   You sound like you've persevered in spite of all this, and have worked very hard to build a happy life.  You deserve to be happy.  As a child you had no choice but to endure this verbal degrading of you, now you have choices and must do what is best for you.  Please trust me on this.  I went on to raise 3 wonderful kids, being all that my mother wasn't.  I harbor no anger, or bitterness, and they are now decesed.  I felt I had to do what was best, and sometimes family can be the worst, sad but true.  It's time to take care of YOU, please do so.  If you ever need to talk, send me a note, I understand and will listen.  Take care......

[becky808]

I recommend the book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward.

No you're not a horrible person. You need to believe it within yourself though. You will be able to walk away when you're ready.