Is this normal??

[swabes]

Hello dear medhelp friends,

Relatively, everything is going okay for me lately. Just keeping on top of the parts of my life that i cant change quite yet. I would say that I have recovered from depression but lately something strange has been happening.

I suppose you could say that Ive been feeling a lot of shame over the way I behaved at the peak of my depression. Sometimes at work or at home when my mind is idle I think back to when I was in hospital for suicide attempts and I just get really sad and ashamed of myself. I think of the nurses who had to deal with me. I look back and it is like a big blur. Days melted into eachother but my hospital stays really get to me. I dont recognise the person I was back then. I was so out of character. Out of it really.
I feel so much shame that the hospital staff seen me like that. I dont like when my mind flickers back to those times and i dont understand why it happens.

Is this normal. Has anyone else experienced anything like this during recovery. Its something id like to leave in the past so why is my brain dredging it all back up again. Will it stop with time.

Again, im recovered now and this isnt a big concern its just bugging and i hope someone can shed some light on this or give me some advice.

Thank you all.

[swabes]

I understand ellen and what a great perspective. I get the idea you mean. I too spent a lot reflecting on past events in my life. At the beginning i would always feel  angry or sad, always an emotional response. I suppose it is a process i will have to go through and will develop and learn from instead of experiencing these negative feelings. In therapy i was shown how to dissect those thoughts and discard what was counter productive. In time i will get there. I feel a lot better now. I just need to put my therapy skills back into practice.

[Ellen038]

I do think its normal.  I do have those flashbacks too.  Sometimes I will spend days and days reflecting on past traumatic situations that I wish I could just completely forget but for some reason I end up finding some more closure in it.  I'm not sure if this makes any sense, its really hard to explain fully.  These are things that happened in my childhood that still bother me. Years will pass and I won't think of these things but something in my current life may somehow bring back some memories.  I always end up understanding a little more of what went on reflecting back.  I think this is a sign of growth.  I know first hand how much progress you've made Swabes.  It will get better and you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed.  You were not yourself....if you were you would of not felt like ending your life.  These nurses and doctors are trained to deal with crisis on a day to day basis.  If you think you might feel better by acknowledging what happened maybe write a letter.  If you shred up the letter or mail it to the nurses or even journal it maybe getting it out will help you close that chapter of your life.  I'm always here for you my friend.

[swabes]

Thank you so much manda for your reply. My symptoms were very much the same as yours. I suppose I will just have to keep telling myself positive and encouraging things when those thoughts occur to me.
Its silly really. A&E nurses tend to so many people a day they probably dont even remember me! But i just wish I could show them the person i am today as opposed to the nuisance i was then. I wish i could thank them, even though i will always be greatful anyways.

Thank you again, its a minor thing really but i just want to get grips on how to deal with it.

[mandaszoo]

oh yes it is normal to think back to those times. But I found the thoughts do diminish to an extent over time x

[mandaszoo]

Dear girl . When someone suffers from depression a little bit of it stays with you always. I know this through experience. I had cognitive therapy which helped but medication made me feel worse. I had massive panic attacks too that made it hard for me to leave the house.  the biggest help was myself.. I got a dog and went for long brisk walks because I found out it gets rid of horrible adrenalin that is damaging unless it is used up. Anyway like you said you are a lot better.  I don't allow myself to feel ashamed about how I was back then( suicidal, angry , selfish) I focus on all I have achieved despite depression . I pat myself on the back and try and be proud of how far I have come. You are bound to think back to that time especially when your mind is not very busy.
Think of that girl you were as a friend you care about. Realise that depression is a terrible disease and  makes it so hard to think rationally and be that person we think we should be.
You are obviously a very conscientious person . You want every thing in your life to be happy and Rosie but you should try to accept all the challenges and difficulties will shape you into a great person. Someone who is so caring and smart and has empathy.
I realised quite a long time ago that all the difficulties I have had in life(list too long and on lunch break) made me a better person.
You pat yourself on the back and focus on all you have and are still achieving. DO NOT be ashamed of how you behaved.
PM me any time
Hugs Manda xx