how do i deal wth this?

I've been depressed for a couplle years now since i was 11 amd i started getting bullied about m body im 13 now and m mother tells me (aka yells) that the only reason i cant make friends is being (the answers switch betweeen these every time) im too mature, fat, ugly, ect. The only people who know about my depression are my best friend and a guy who i am really close to and who i guess im dating they are both suffering from depression as well but not as bad as i am. ive come to hate myself, i started self harming, and began thinking about how death might not be so bad after all. I feel like my family hates me because they really act like it and i cant manage to believe it when people compliment me. I need help but i can't go to a counselor...

[mammo]

You really need to talk to someone about all of this, you're way too young to be dealing with depression....but we do hear from a lot of teens.  Please DO NOT allow bullies to get to you!  I know it's hard but you have to realize that they are the ones with the problem like low self esteem.  They get attention and feel big by bullying others.  They usually grow up to be bullies and never amount to anything while the kids that were bullied have made a good life for themselves.  Shame on your mother for what she says to you...it sounds like she has her own issues like a lot of pent up anger.  She's lashing out at you and it has nothing to do with you!  You really need to talk to your school counselor, a teacher or your principal about your depression.  They will make sure your parents understand what you're dealing with and get you help, and there is a lot of help for you!  Don't allow anyone's words to strip you of your pride and self-esteem, let it go and take back your power!  I'm sure if you watch TV you are aware that your body shape has nothing to do with who and what you are...it's all about what's inside.  You can be anything you want and in a few years you will be able to call the shots in your life and choose to go after your dream whatever it may be.  But you need a little help right now so you need to get an adult involved.  Accept the compliments you get, they're genuine and you need to see yourself as they do.  You have so much to offer and a wonderful life to live. Please don't allow others who are insecure drag you down with them.  Try to smile at everyone, even if they don't smile back...you may make their day and you will be a better, happier person for it.  It shows your open to others and friendly.  Start a journal and write down all your thoughts and feelings every day, putting all of this down on paper is very therapeutic and is a form of release for us.  You need to get help, please talk to someone so you can get your life back!  Suicide is never the answer and you may just end up in a darker place.  I had the most horrendous childhood and have been where you are, so I know there is a wonderful life waiting for you!  One day you'll look back on all of this with amazement that you've come so far and are so happy!  YOU matter, you have a purpose on this earth and it's not to suffer.  Please talk to someone.  Big hugs, it will be okay.

[Bubulous]

I have a challenge for you.  My childhood was much like your but mine was likely worse.  I made it through 2 wars, child abuse (mentally and physically), sexual abuse, I am bipolar as well.  I have made it 33 years and yes I do harm myself but not as often as I used to.

The challenge is to try to make it as long as I have.  It is difficult but I have seen a lot of beauty in this world and you shall too.  Let that be your goal.  It does get better I promise.  The insecurities will leave you once you find out who you actually are.

Welcome to the forum.

Read my posts on this forum titled:

Fighting depression
Fighting depression part 2
Fighting depression part 3
Fighting depression part 4
Fighting impatience, stress, and fear

[mammo]

You really need to talk to someone about all of this, you're way too young to be dealing with depression....but we do hear from a lot of teens.  Please DO NOT allow bullies to get to you!  I know it's hard but you have to realize that they are the ones with the problem like low self esteem.  They get attention and feel big by bullying others.  They usually grow up to be bullies and never amount to anything while the kids that were bullied have made a good life for themselves.  Shame on your mother for what she says to you...it sounds like she has her own issues like a lot of pent up anger.  She's lashing out at you and it has nothing to do with you!  You really need to talk to your school counselor, a teacher or your principal about your depression.  They will make sure your parents understand what you're dealing with and get you help, and there is a lot of help for you!  Don't allow anyone's words to strip you of your pride and self-esteem, let it go and take back your power!  I'm sure if you watch TV you are aware that your body shape has nothing to do with who and what you are...it's all about what's inside.  You can be anything you want and in a few years you will be able to call the shots in your life and choose to go after your dream whatever it may be.  But you need a little help right now so you need to get an adult involved.  Accept the compliments you get, they're genuine and you need to see yourself as they do.  You have so much to offer and a wonderful life to live. Please don't allow others who are insecure drag you down with them.  Try to smile at everyone, even if they don't smile back...you may make their day and you will be a better, happier person for it.  It shows your open to others and friendly.  Start a journal and write down all your thoughts and feelings every day, putting all of this down on paper is very therapeutic and is a form of release for us.  You need to get help, please talk to someone so you can get your life back!  Suicide is never the answer and you may just end up in a darker place.  I had the most horrendous childhood and have been where you are, so I know there is a wonderful life waiting for you!  One day you'll look back on all of this with amazement that you've come so far and are so happy!  YOU matter, you have a purpose on this earth and it's not to suffer.  Please talk to someone.  Big hugs, it will be okay.