i feel like i dont exist

[consciousness]

i feel like i dont exist, i feel like nobody cares about me, ive never felt love. im a 16 year old boy and i feel like im just a ghost to other people, in school its like im just walking through people without them knowing or be in a group without even be there.
all i want is people to be there for me, to support me and love me nothing more.

But were it all begins is when i was while i lived with my real parents, we lived in a blockhouse on one of the many unknown streets, my mom and dad was alcoholics and drug addicts, my dad beat my mom and my mom hit me and my siblings. i got a real brother and three half siblings, my dad one child with another woman and my mom two with another man. but together they got two children and that was me and my brother. then after some time we moved to the downtown into a small apartment were we lived six people (my farthers son/my half sibling lived at his mom) but then after some time my two other half siblings moved over to my grandmother and grandfather so then we lived four persons in the house. me and my brother were only 5 and 4 years old, but then after some time they kind of got separated they weren't married. my mom moved out and found an apartment and she got her own two children back. then my father took me and my brother and we moved into a new blockhouse some miles away from my mom, but then my father hit me and my brother so we took care of each other and watched each others back. after some years my farther  wanted my mom back but she refused so he wanted revenge... so he took a knife and waited for her outside on the street we he said to her "come sit down next to me take a beer and lets talk" then she said "no i got some friends to drink with, now go away" then he quickly took the knife and cut her throat and ran away. she ended up on the hospital and she survived. then he went to prison for six month and it was his fourth time in prison, we were taken to a orphanage for two years then while we were there my father committed suicide by hanging himself. then we were moved to some foster parents and im still here with my brother.

my mom is still an alcoholic but the doctors says her liver is bad and if she drinks to much it could end up pretty bad for her, but i dont care because she didn't care about me so i dont care about her. but then again i love her because she is my mom.

my child hood was the worst thing in the world, the result of this is that im a silent person i dont speak much, im afraid of everything, drunk people im afraid of, im nervous and confused all the time, i strain and i sometimes cant say the word, and i got the feeling people hate me and whispers behind my back. when im in the school then im just a servant to the others because then i think they will like me.

i pretend im happy but inside im sad and when i get home pretend im happy but im sad and angry. then i go to my room i sit down in front of my PC all day long and i play games with alot of gore and blood by my self, i watch videos recorded by normal people were you see a man get beheaded or a guy burning to death, i search for women getting raped and CP and i know its nasty and wrong but somehow i like it and i dont know why, i have gone to a psychologist for seven years now and i cant feel a differences from then to now. its like im stuck in a cage, its like i was chosen to be a lunatic and a depressed guy. sometimes i just start crying and i wish i could just leave this place and hope for something better than this. i want someone to understand and i dont want fake comments like "dont kill your self" i want people to understand how i feel,

sometimes i just wanna go to my school and kill all of them with a gun and then kill my self, or i just wanna rape some woman... i cant, i just cant take this anymore. please understand me,

[TheLightSeeker]

Please read my 2 posts to runnerdavid (SOS for depression and anxiety) Feb 3 and today.
Some information there could be useful to you as well.

Do you have any Spiritual Psychotherapists in Denmark that deal with Archetypes?
( check Carl Jung's Archetypes). Can you find out?
This combination is rather rare here in Canada and in the U.S.A.
Traditional therapy will not be effective in your case.
I'm very confident - without intending to give you any false hopes- that your true Healing will start when the Archetypes in your life are dealt with, effectively.
You seem to have a level of maturity to understand concepts, that many adults cannot.
That is what holds strength for you. And it will be so instrumental in your healing process.

When I was 10, I went to a Cardiologist who was a Psychologist as well.
I went to see him by myself!  No adult to accompany me. He was in state of shock I think
for a moment or two!
This visit was the turning point in my life.
And for some reason, the Universe provided  me with the maturity and intelligence to follow through with what he asked me to do. Somehow till today I have no idea how I did it.
The papers to study, the exercises, the detailed instructions. He prescribed  no drugs though,and I'm eternally grateful for that.
I could have become the youngest junkie in town then.

I've managed eventually to climb out of the dark abyss of pain, suffering and desperation. (long story).
And now here I'm offering my advice to you and other people, I do Spiritual Psychotherapy, Energy healing and a bunch of various  holistic things.

So, hang in there, there are better parts for you in this plan .
Just have to take matters one day at a time, for now.
It's like the question: How do you eat an entire elephant?
Answer: One bite at a time!

Please post again. Let me know regarding what I asked you.
Meanwhile, I will send you some Healing Energy.

I really like the name you are using!

Blessings
Nikodicreta

  


  
  

[Mama129]

I want to understand you but it seems our lives are completely different. As a mother who has suffered depression, I can see how you think that sometimes it would be easier not to go on. I admire your honesty and the way you looked out for your brother. I think you are a very good person and that you would never hurt someone the way you suggest because you know it is wrong and that it would only make you feel worse. I try to live by the saying: "treat others as you would like to be treated". Please don't give in to these negative feelings. Life is too precious to waste. Keep working in school and you will be able to have a better life that your parents were not able to give you.

[nananeedsthis]

be strong young man...for you are much wiser than most your age. think about where you can be 20 years from now, and how good it would feel to go back and tell them "Thank you, you have made me strong, and for that I am better than you." This world needs the wisdom that you hold in your mind and heart. You have taken care of your brother as he has you. And that carries a bond that can never be broken, unless of course you do something rash, without giving it the proper complete thought. Hurting others because you've been hurt won't make your pain go away, it will actually make it worse. Think about the pain of guilt, that follows you for life!!!  I'm not going to make promises like ...things will get better, just wait and see...because no one can predict that, but at the very least...wait and see!!! I do understand, because I came from a troubled childhood very similar to yours. Some days were better, some not so.

This probably wasn't what you wanted to hear...but be strong...and SHOW THEM ALL.!!!