Aa
it depression or something worse
After reading up on depression, i explored into bipola/manic etc and i have a lot of those symptoms. I get urges to not pay bill and spend money like ive won the lottery and of course get myself into debt. When i get bad the voice in my head which is my voice tell me how to end things and ive really got to fight it so I dont do it. Im scared to admit most things to my doctor as I dont want to be sent to a mental hospital and then have social services involved with my kids. I have bad mood swings, have a very short temper, one minute im fine the next I want to kill anyone who stares at me and im not like this at all. I feel like there is two of me, the "normal" me and this mad possest me which is going to ruin my life and kill me. I know I need help and im on medication but I dont think its the right stuff. I want some advise on what to do. I want to sleep constantly and when I dont want to sleep by day and feel semi normal I cant sleep by night. I give up. I dont mind the sleeping by day as it stops me feeling like a mad person. I find it hard to explain, ive got so much going on but cant write it down or say it. HELP!!!!
The hypomanic state you discribed is what I call a good day, when I feel as high as a kite and wana do everything there and then, I feel like im superwoman and I can do anything, its the only time i feel motivation, its the only time I do major house work and I mean changing furniture around, but to much high causes then anger where i feel im still on cloud nine but as a violent person and I feel i have the confidence to go and sort out all the people who have treated me different or have walked away from me cause of this commen illness, "depression". Then the anger violent side of me goes into hurt feeling mode when I want to emotionally hurt the ones closest to me,(not the kids, I never seem to be able to go completely mad when they are around, I think they are my medication at times but they also can cause my upsets, ha ha). I also go into denial, ive just read this back now and debating whether to send it or not, but then admitting things to a complete stranger is easy, I dont know you, I dont know what you look like so I have nothing to fear. Some of the comments you and leftcoastchick put angered me but I know its all true, but my first though was to message you back telling you both you know nothing and to **** off, this is what im like, mood swings galour, I wake up everyday wondering who I will be today.
Im a good mum and I know no one has said any different, my children know what is wrong with me and they kow how to handle the panic attacks as well, although it can be a little frightening for them they know mummy is going to be ok. My kids are my rock, if they wernt here then nor would i be.
My partner doesnt understand me half the time, I know he loves me deerly but Im going to drive him away soon. One minute im all over him, the next im saying hurtfull things to him. Ive had a knife to his throat before and threw a hot cup of tea at him, it wasnt me doing it, i would never do something like that, its the evil side of me that comes out, the side i try to hide. God i must sound like a right looney, im so gona regret sending this, im gona be laughed at, but who gives a ****, i dont care really, im different, thats the way i look at it.
I have just read back through all of this and I can see that I didnt right all of it, the other side to me did, i start off all nice then get angry, well thats me. So am I mad or what? ha ha, im glad i can laugh about it but I shouldnt really should I, this is very serious, i know how serious it is, whether im depressed or on cloud nine I have suicidal thoughts, i know my meds are wrong and im going to do something about it.
I have had a call from the doctors this morning and I have my first councilling session friday week, should I tell her all ive told you???
Im a good mum and I know no one has said any different, my children know what is wrong with me and they kow how to handle the panic attacks as well, although it can be a little frightening for them they know mummy is going to be ok. My kids are my rock, if they wernt here then nor would i be.
My partner doesnt understand me half the time, I know he loves me deerly but Im going to drive him away soon. One minute im all over him, the next im saying hurtfull things to him. Ive had a knife to his throat before and threw a hot cup of tea at him, it wasnt me doing it, i would never do something like that, its the evil side of me that comes out, the side i try to hide. God i must sound like a right looney, im so gona regret sending this, im gona be laughed at, but who gives a ****, i dont care really, im different, thats the way i look at it.
I have just read back through all of this and I can see that I didnt right all of it, the other side to me did, i start off all nice then get angry, well thats me. So am I mad or what? ha ha, im glad i can laugh about it but I shouldnt really should I, this is very serious, i know how serious it is, whether im depressed or on cloud nine I have suicidal thoughts, i know my meds are wrong and im going to do something about it.
I have had a call from the doctors this morning and I have my first councilling session friday week, should I tell her all ive told you???
WCC is exactly right. You are looking at it backwards.
You are far more likely to have govt interference in your family if you do not seek appropriate treatment and make every effort to stay safe yourself.
You say you want to sleep constantly. That's a depression symptom and a med side effect too. We're always exhausted even when we do nothing so looking after kids on top is bound to make you feel even more tired and erratic.
You say you are on meds but probably not the right stuff. I'll go further. Definitely not the right stuff or at least not enough of what you are on.
The mood changes you describe are suggestive of bi polar but being very tired and under pressure can have similar effects. The key indicator to bipolar is experiencing a manic episode, or hypomanic episode which is a milder form.
If you have such an experience you will know it and you doc will know it when you describe it.
The signs are you feel absolutely fantastic. Physically strong and full of energy. You know everything. Nothing is hard, nothing is too much for you. You won't sleep. You will have ideas about everything including things you have never seen or heard of before. You become brilliant and have no doubts about your abilities in a flick of a switch.
OK? That's how I felt in a hypomanic state. I've had it 3 times in my life only. That's enough but you cannot escape knowing what it is as the change from misery to that big is so obvious to all.
Nothing you have described matches that stuff does it? You describe fleeting thoughts of not paying bills and spening. So does everyone, truly.
The bad moods can also be just a part of the depression and constant tiredness. And of course a hormonal cause is not out of the question is it?
Not being a doc I couldn't say yes or no to BP. But I have told you how a manic state feels like, just a mild one. That's the high. The lows are just the same as depression generally, they just seem worse because you drop from so high.
Certainly get to a doc quick and chanmge those meds. I took lithium well before I was diagnosed as bp. It's a mood stabiliser which simply evens out the fluctuations in mood. You don't need to be bp to take it. It would be my suggestion for you to discuss with your doce. Lithium or any other mood stabiliser. And they work almost overnight too, no weeks waiting on them.
Good luck and please don't delay. The "system" will care for you better if you are seen to be seeking help at all stages and it's the only way to get better too. Do not worry about losing your kids.
That will not happen unless you stay erratic and do nothing about it.
You are far more likely to have govt interference in your family if you do not seek appropriate treatment and make every effort to stay safe yourself.
You say you want to sleep constantly. That's a depression symptom and a med side effect too. We're always exhausted even when we do nothing so looking after kids on top is bound to make you feel even more tired and erratic.
You say you are on meds but probably not the right stuff. I'll go further. Definitely not the right stuff or at least not enough of what you are on.
The mood changes you describe are suggestive of bi polar but being very tired and under pressure can have similar effects. The key indicator to bipolar is experiencing a manic episode, or hypomanic episode which is a milder form.
If you have such an experience you will know it and you doc will know it when you describe it.
The signs are you feel absolutely fantastic. Physically strong and full of energy. You know everything. Nothing is hard, nothing is too much for you. You won't sleep. You will have ideas about everything including things you have never seen or heard of before. You become brilliant and have no doubts about your abilities in a flick of a switch.
OK? That's how I felt in a hypomanic state. I've had it 3 times in my life only. That's enough but you cannot escape knowing what it is as the change from misery to that big is so obvious to all.
Nothing you have described matches that stuff does it? You describe fleeting thoughts of not paying bills and spening. So does everyone, truly.
The bad moods can also be just a part of the depression and constant tiredness. And of course a hormonal cause is not out of the question is it?
Not being a doc I couldn't say yes or no to BP. But I have told you how a manic state feels like, just a mild one. That's the high. The lows are just the same as depression generally, they just seem worse because you drop from so high.
Certainly get to a doc quick and chanmge those meds. I took lithium well before I was diagnosed as bp. It's a mood stabiliser which simply evens out the fluctuations in mood. You don't need to be bp to take it. It would be my suggestion for you to discuss with your doce. Lithium or any other mood stabiliser. And they work almost overnight too, no weeks waiting on them.
Good luck and please don't delay. The "system" will care for you better if you are seen to be seeking help at all stages and it's the only way to get better too. Do not worry about losing your kids.
That will not happen unless you stay erratic and do nothing about it.
I'm going to play devil's advocate, you are having all of those things going on and your worried about a hospital visit affecting your kids? It's the other way around. Hearing voices and being irresponsible will impact your children tremendously. You need to get help today for the sake of your children, what you are going through is not normal nor healthy.
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