What do I do?

[Shartzy]

I found out about a week ago that my husband has been having an emotional affair online with a women in america, we live in australia. I was deverstated when I found out as we have only been married for  less than 2yrs. I thought that maybe something was going on like depression but I never thought that things were this bad with him. He's very distant, always tired, doesn't eat much, only sleeps about 4-5hrs every night, always acheing like his back, shoulders, stomach, he can't concerntrate, he's very dull in his expression and looks. I'v tried to talk to him about the situation and he says that he feels fine and that there is nothing wrong with him. There is a very strong mental health problem on his mothers side of the family and that makes me think he has depression. I want to stay with him because I know that the emotional affair is not the real problem. We have been togethre for a total of 5yrs and he was never like this. What do you suggest I do to help him realise that he has depression?

[nursegirl6572]

Hello there!!

Sorry you're going through this, I'm sure it's sp upsetting.

I wouldn't worry so much about this affair coming to fruition, not unless one of them decides to relocate to another country, which is doubtable.  I personally would be more worried about him straying in other ways.  God forbid he finds someone locally that he tries to connect with, THEN that may really be a bigger, more realistic threat to the marriage.

I agree with you that it sounds like he may be dealing with depression.  Unfortunately, you cannot force him to want to seek help, he has to want to do that for himself.

As for your leaving, tread very carefully there.  If you're planning on leaving, counting on him being scared, and wanting to work harder to fix things, you have to be prepared for that backfiring.  Often times, a partner will leave, kind of as a scare tactic, to make their loved one "come to their senses", when in fact the exact opposite ends up happening.  The partner may isolate and alienate themselves even more, with less motivation to work on themselves and the relationship.  A trial separation, to have you both work on yourselves (which I agree is VERY important) is one thing...but don't make the decision to leave solely as a way to strong-arm him into making changes because he's afraid of losing you.  That's not a good reason for a seperation IMO.

Have you tried an honest talk with him?  Not a fight, not finger pointing oer guilt trips, but an honest to goodness, heart to heart?  I would recommend that first, before you take any drastic measures.  I would tell him plain and simple that you are worried about him, and think he is displaying symptoms of either being depressed, or being unhappy in the relationship.  

Tell him that you're committed to making it work, and that the marriage means a lot to you....but you both need to seek help for that to happen.  Reassure him that you are going to work on YOURSELF too.  Relationships take two to work, and they take two to fail.  While he had no business seeking out a woman to have an emotional affair with, there are certainly aspects you need to work on as well, as you seem to be readily willing to admit and face, which is great.  Ask him straight out if he WANTS to fix the marriage (sometimes a person really doesn't, but they just don't have the courage to say so, and as painful as that would be to hear...it's better if you know where you stand)?  I would also tell him that in order for your marriage to have a chance, he needs to cut ALL ties with this woman.  A person cannot work on a relationship with the distraction of another one.  Just can't happen.  If he is unwilling to do that, then you have some tough choices to make.

Definitely stick with the professional help for yourself.  You do need to work on your own issues, and you need to sort through the fall out of this affair.  It's something that cuts to the core.  You have a lot of emotions to work through, and therapy will help you do that.

I would recommend you also posting this question on our "Relationships" community also:

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Relationships/show/78?controller=forums&action=show&id=78&camp=msc

There are some amazing people who post on that forum,  with super insight and advice.  If you do, you can indicate that you've posted the question here, too, so that they can look at this thread as a reference.  You can even copy/paste a link to this thread in your thread there, for easy reference.

Very best to you hon...I'm so sorry you're going through this.  While its so hard, TRY to make decisions based on facts and reason versus emotion.  Emotional knee jerk reactions can often make a bad situation even worse.  As hard as it is, try to really think this through, and make reasonable decisions.  Think with your HEAD not your heart.  Please let us know how it's going okay?  I sincerely hope you guys are able to repair your marriage, and get through this.

[MYoungAtHeart]

Dear Shartzy,
I am sorry to hear of your family problems....I think it is so highly proactive of you to move on this with the doctors and psychologists help.  It shows a real motivation for the health of yourself, your husband and your marriage.

The internet is a wonderful web, and one that we can all get caught up in.  The people who do not feel good can find good feelings on the web, enjoy themselves for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, but the depression/ or sadness always comes back, most times with a vengence because the bandaid is not a fix, it is just temporary.

You are correct that this web relationship is not about you, but it does affect you in your self esteem where you now feel, " Less then....." you felt before you found out about the affair.  I applaud you seeing a medical pro for yourself, you have real gumption and that is to be admired.

Please also know, and I am not trying to be a bearer of doom, but it takes a lot of work to start, continue and work on a depression issue.  The thing about depression is that it takes prisoners...It is a strong mental health issue and will cast a pall over little corners of happiness that are in your house now with only shadows that take over without you even being aware of them....

If your husband is truly suffering from depression, and I hope he gets in to see that doctor, just know that none of his behavior is done to purposely hurt you or make you feel bad.  He is trying to grab ahold of some kind of lifeline that has a bag of happiness tied on the end of it, and for the depressed, that is a full time job....

I do hope to hear more from you...You sound like a wonderful woman and friend.  Good luck to you and your husband...

M

[Shartzy]

Sorry, I'm preparing myself if the relationship does work out with the women on line.

Can I ask what everyone else thinks about the odds of it working? The women online is a 32yr old recently divorced single foster mum. My husband is a 27yr old man who was afraid of his ability to be a father and husband.

[Shartzy]

I went to the doctors today and also saw a psychologist. She said I need to start doing something for myself to get my confidence back and give him space. We've booked into relationship councilling on Thursday so hopefully he decides to come along. I think after Thursday il leave and let him sort out what he wants. I also think that me leaving will make him realize what's happening and hopefully he'll get himself some help. I'll leave him for a few months to see what happens. The psychologist said the odds of the relationship working out with the women online is very slim so that gives me a little hope but I'm also preparing myself it is doesnt. At least I can say I know iv done all I can.

[Nighthawk61]

Well, you almost always have to give a person a consequence for them to get over their denial I'm afraid. Is there any way that the doctor can be booked really early or really late in the day? Maybe he can take a long lunch? If you need to, maybe talk to his family, and get them involved, like an intervention of sorts? Let us know how it goes, you're both in my prayers.

[Dolphinleiker]

He needs to do for himself sorry my bad typing

[Dolphinleiker]

I hope it works out for I truly do. And he do to do for himself not just you, you know. But good luck :)

[Shartzy]

Iv booked us into the doctors today but he says he can't afford to take time off work. I feel like he's pushing me away but doesn't want me to leave at the same time. I will try and get him to go to the doctors with me as I said that this will make me feel better if he can do it for me and see how we go.

[Dolphinleiker]

I would suggest that you contact a doctor so they can better review or  examine him and see if it depression. Then go from there. Good luck!