Aa
always have always will
I am 18 male
I have had depression since grade 1 and thoughts of suicide it is getting worse it will never end I can't even feel happyness all I have is pain and anger
I have had depression since grade 1 and thoughts of suicide it is getting worse it will never end I can't even feel happyness all I have is pain and anger
Hi,
Could I say first that with depression you are certainly not the Odd One Out. You are amongst many friends here, internet friends, yes, but people who will have the same issues as you and hopefully advice and support and so on too.
Given what you've said about your background I can only applaud your efforts to write some of your story here. It takes a lot of guts to say what you have to strangers, yes people you won't meet but still real people. A lot of guts mate.
To get through what you have so far also shows courage and tenacity. Suicide is not what you want Mate. The suicidal thoughts and feelings are simply our minds telling us we want to stop the pain of depression etc and we can't just turn it off so the brain throws up a ridiculous idea. It's an ancient pattern in man's makeup I'm afraid and we must learn that's what it is. Old, out of date.
Do you know exactly what the learning difficulty you have is and how do you cope with it? Will it affect your future or does it just mean some work areas will be far better for you than others. For example, maths based work places sound much more suited than English. You follow what I'm asking? Have you had professional advice on the problem and how to deal with it? Docs, specialists etc?
Your parents certainly gave you a big load to carry and seemingly have ignored your needs too. That's sort of understandable given your sister's condition but it isn't right. It's a lot for parents to deal with mate and as you are better placed than your sister they seem to think of you as coping but have not asked. Is that about right?
They give all their time to her? Yes? That too is understandable and quite normal as they are trying to compensate for her problems. And fogetting to look after you. Not forgiven.
So essentially you are describing a depression build up that occurred over many years already, compounded by a learning difficulty and the ignorant bullying of young kids who always target those they see as vulnerable. It's actually also an ancient way of man's mate. It's part of the survival of the fittest process but people left that behind many, many years ago. Young kids just do what comes natural and it's often very cruel. Teachers are to blame for not controlling it.
You've noticed people have become more tolerant and open to you as you grow and they do too. That's over riding that kid's need to bully and hurt. For most people it does anyway. Some still hang on to that stuff as they don't ever mature.
Finding a girl and then finding she has a boyfriend is such bad luck mate. So sorry about that. But it does show you are able to find someone doesn't it. Don't be in a rush as many who do rush make bad mistakes and get partners who are dreadful and ruin their lives. Much better to wait and find someone who is a friend first and then a partner.
Of course short term relationships are the way to go until you find the one you really want. No need to stay hidden away until then is there?
I understand the anger big time mate. I've had a burning rage in me since I was 10 and always had to squash it as I'd go right over the top if I let it go. I'm 58 now and still so angry I can't describe it. But I no longer feel it daily as I have settled my life so I am well protected from most things.
My best advice here is to not take out your anger on a human being, or an animal as you will be the one in jail and that is game over time isn't it?
No, you need treatment, mainly talk therapy as I see it. Which means you talking to a psychologist or counsellor to identify all the issues and learn how to deal with them. Meds I wouldn't suggest but if the anger is becoming unconrtollable then there are meds to stop that, for your safety and others too. I was on such a med for a year but I wasn't told what it was for. When I found out, guess what? I got so damned angry about it I wanted to destroy that doc and his office. He should have just told me.
So I understand the anger mate. It's what I'm most afraid of in my life. Afraid I will hurt someone so I don't go out much. At your age you have to.
So, doctor first to get a referral. Talking to your parents would be a good thing if they respond. Perhaps if you show you are wanting to do this yourself they may feel Ok about it rather than thinking they have to do it all for you. That doesn't work, by the way, them forcing you to do this and that. You have to want to do it.
Talk therapy is the ONLY way to cure a depression. Meds relieve symptoms so we can live etc but resolving the issues is the way to reduce the depression and move forward.
As I wrote earlier, you seem quite well placed in knowing when it started, and why. What you have detailed here is great and hugely valuable to a talk therapist, counsellor or similar. So you are at an advantage compared to most depression sufferers although you may not believe that.
Let me just say I'm supposedly intelligent but do you know how long it took for me to understand what was wrong and start dealing with it properly? 38 damned years mate. 38 years, down the drain really. So who's smart? Not me. That's how you are at a big advantage. You KNOW most of it already.
I do hope you can get treatment and find good docs etc as you deserve it.
Best of luck
Could I say first that with depression you are certainly not the Odd One Out. You are amongst many friends here, internet friends, yes, but people who will have the same issues as you and hopefully advice and support and so on too.
Given what you've said about your background I can only applaud your efforts to write some of your story here. It takes a lot of guts to say what you have to strangers, yes people you won't meet but still real people. A lot of guts mate.
To get through what you have so far also shows courage and tenacity. Suicide is not what you want Mate. The suicidal thoughts and feelings are simply our minds telling us we want to stop the pain of depression etc and we can't just turn it off so the brain throws up a ridiculous idea. It's an ancient pattern in man's makeup I'm afraid and we must learn that's what it is. Old, out of date.
Do you know exactly what the learning difficulty you have is and how do you cope with it? Will it affect your future or does it just mean some work areas will be far better for you than others. For example, maths based work places sound much more suited than English. You follow what I'm asking? Have you had professional advice on the problem and how to deal with it? Docs, specialists etc?
Your parents certainly gave you a big load to carry and seemingly have ignored your needs too. That's sort of understandable given your sister's condition but it isn't right. It's a lot for parents to deal with mate and as you are better placed than your sister they seem to think of you as coping but have not asked. Is that about right?
They give all their time to her? Yes? That too is understandable and quite normal as they are trying to compensate for her problems. And fogetting to look after you. Not forgiven.
So essentially you are describing a depression build up that occurred over many years already, compounded by a learning difficulty and the ignorant bullying of young kids who always target those they see as vulnerable. It's actually also an ancient way of man's mate. It's part of the survival of the fittest process but people left that behind many, many years ago. Young kids just do what comes natural and it's often very cruel. Teachers are to blame for not controlling it.
You've noticed people have become more tolerant and open to you as you grow and they do too. That's over riding that kid's need to bully and hurt. For most people it does anyway. Some still hang on to that stuff as they don't ever mature.
Finding a girl and then finding she has a boyfriend is such bad luck mate. So sorry about that. But it does show you are able to find someone doesn't it. Don't be in a rush as many who do rush make bad mistakes and get partners who are dreadful and ruin their lives. Much better to wait and find someone who is a friend first and then a partner.
Of course short term relationships are the way to go until you find the one you really want. No need to stay hidden away until then is there?
I understand the anger big time mate. I've had a burning rage in me since I was 10 and always had to squash it as I'd go right over the top if I let it go. I'm 58 now and still so angry I can't describe it. But I no longer feel it daily as I have settled my life so I am well protected from most things.
My best advice here is to not take out your anger on a human being, or an animal as you will be the one in jail and that is game over time isn't it?
No, you need treatment, mainly talk therapy as I see it. Which means you talking to a psychologist or counsellor to identify all the issues and learn how to deal with them. Meds I wouldn't suggest but if the anger is becoming unconrtollable then there are meds to stop that, for your safety and others too. I was on such a med for a year but I wasn't told what it was for. When I found out, guess what? I got so damned angry about it I wanted to destroy that doc and his office. He should have just told me.
So I understand the anger mate. It's what I'm most afraid of in my life. Afraid I will hurt someone so I don't go out much. At your age you have to.
So, doctor first to get a referral. Talking to your parents would be a good thing if they respond. Perhaps if you show you are wanting to do this yourself they may feel Ok about it rather than thinking they have to do it all for you. That doesn't work, by the way, them forcing you to do this and that. You have to want to do it.
Talk therapy is the ONLY way to cure a depression. Meds relieve symptoms so we can live etc but resolving the issues is the way to reduce the depression and move forward.
As I wrote earlier, you seem quite well placed in knowing when it started, and why. What you have detailed here is great and hugely valuable to a talk therapist, counsellor or similar. So you are at an advantage compared to most depression sufferers although you may not believe that.
Let me just say I'm supposedly intelligent but do you know how long it took for me to understand what was wrong and start dealing with it properly? 38 damned years mate. 38 years, down the drain really. So who's smart? Not me. That's how you are at a big advantage. You KNOW most of it already.
I do hope you can get treatment and find good docs etc as you deserve it.
Best of luck
ok I will try this agen (I hate redoing things like this)
I have an older sister but she has a mental disability and can't develop mentaly past 7 so I had to be the older brother even though she is 5 years older then me my parints favered her they focused on her blamed everything on me avoided punishing her. when I get to grade one I found I had a learning disability no one realy told me what it was even my classmates knew more about it then me. I had alot of trouble with writing anything and was slow I eventualy just gave up on spelling tests when they were handed back so we could mark out own work I just marked everything as wrong and put my pencil down. I got alot of extra help didn't do much and it turned everyone agenst me funny thing here everyone seems to thingk bullying is always just one kid picking on another for me it was the whole class agenst me teachers didn't seem to care my parints said I was being unresonable to expect everyone to like me.
all this caused paranoia and hatrid for everyone if I had a bomb I would have killed my entier class I thought about doing it often. this went on until I changed schools in grade 6 I became the quiet kid and people seemed to leave me alone. I had a few freinds I didn't like them much but they were people to hang out with during resses. I don't remember much about grades 6 through 8 it is a blur but I think there was a suicide atmempt in there
in grade 9 I was quiet still and I was afraid of people I barly said anything and never said it loud enough to be herd. I saw that people had changed but my fear was too deep to shake I had one person I called freind but I didn't like him much but agen he was someone to hang out with. I hated english class I have allways stuggled with writing and anything to do with art. I am good at math but being good at something most people arn't isn't very helpful if you can't do the things most people find easy.
in grade 10 I found out what depression is and that I had it. I spent hours resurching trying to find a way to help myself without telling anyone. my parints were better then they were before but the fear of saying anything to complane stuck. there was nothing about how to help yourself out of depression all the sites said was tell someone I was afraid to tell anyone. I eventualy found a teen help forum and I think it saved my life the people there convinced me not to kill myself a start. eventualy my parints found out and got me some help it was too late the pain was cemented into my brain
in grade 11 my one freind got me into a group of his freinds they were ok people but I could barly talk because I was afraid of looking stuped. it was my first real socal interaction I had ever had and I had no idea how to act or what to say, I didn't know how people seemed to be able to talk to people
by grade 12 I had learned to talk more and in grade 12 I met a girl who showed intrest in me and I fell in love but there was a catch (if there wasn't one it probibly won't hapen to me) she had a boyfreind. it was the most frustrating thing that had ever hapened to me it was the first thing I had ever been sure of and I couldn't act on it. I eventualy told her about my feelings and we are still freinds but it is still frustrating
now I am in grade 13 and optrional grade where I am
I can't see my freinds as much anymore because of diferint lunch periods. being lonley is 10 times worse when you know what you are missing
and something new has started recintly. I have never realy been able to get my anger out and now it seems to be boiling over anger not directed at anyone or anything just at life. I have an urge to break things tear my room apart I find I am wishing someone would pick a fight with me so I can take it out on them
that is all I can think of right now I think there might be a few detals left out
I have an older sister but she has a mental disability and can't develop mentaly past 7 so I had to be the older brother even though she is 5 years older then me my parints favered her they focused on her blamed everything on me avoided punishing her. when I get to grade one I found I had a learning disability no one realy told me what it was even my classmates knew more about it then me. I had alot of trouble with writing anything and was slow I eventualy just gave up on spelling tests when they were handed back so we could mark out own work I just marked everything as wrong and put my pencil down. I got alot of extra help didn't do much and it turned everyone agenst me funny thing here everyone seems to thingk bullying is always just one kid picking on another for me it was the whole class agenst me teachers didn't seem to care my parints said I was being unresonable to expect everyone to like me.
all this caused paranoia and hatrid for everyone if I had a bomb I would have killed my entier class I thought about doing it often. this went on until I changed schools in grade 6 I became the quiet kid and people seemed to leave me alone. I had a few freinds I didn't like them much but they were people to hang out with during resses. I don't remember much about grades 6 through 8 it is a blur but I think there was a suicide atmempt in there
in grade 9 I was quiet still and I was afraid of people I barly said anything and never said it loud enough to be herd. I saw that people had changed but my fear was too deep to shake I had one person I called freind but I didn't like him much but agen he was someone to hang out with. I hated english class I have allways stuggled with writing and anything to do with art. I am good at math but being good at something most people arn't isn't very helpful if you can't do the things most people find easy.
in grade 10 I found out what depression is and that I had it. I spent hours resurching trying to find a way to help myself without telling anyone. my parints were better then they were before but the fear of saying anything to complane stuck. there was nothing about how to help yourself out of depression all the sites said was tell someone I was afraid to tell anyone. I eventualy found a teen help forum and I think it saved my life the people there convinced me not to kill myself a start. eventualy my parints found out and got me some help it was too late the pain was cemented into my brain
in grade 11 my one freind got me into a group of his freinds they were ok people but I could barly talk because I was afraid of looking stuped. it was my first real socal interaction I had ever had and I had no idea how to act or what to say, I didn't know how people seemed to be able to talk to people
by grade 12 I had learned to talk more and in grade 12 I met a girl who showed intrest in me and I fell in love but there was a catch (if there wasn't one it probibly won't hapen to me) she had a boyfreind. it was the most frustrating thing that had ever hapened to me it was the first thing I had ever been sure of and I couldn't act on it. I eventualy told her about my feelings and we are still freinds but it is still frustrating
now I am in grade 13 and optrional grade where I am
I can't see my freinds as much anymore because of diferint lunch periods. being lonley is 10 times worse when you know what you are missing
and something new has started recintly. I have never realy been able to get my anger out and now it seems to be boiling over anger not directed at anyone or anything just at life. I have an urge to break things tear my room apart I find I am wishing someone would pick a fight with me so I can take it out on them
that is all I can think of right now I think there might be a few detals left out
**** I spent like 5 minits on writing my life story and I lost it because I forgot to login I'll wtir it agen later
OK Oddone, you've posted now. Perhaps you'd like to say some more so we may be able to offer support, advice and help?
I am so sorry you've had this for so long, and from so young. What happened at Grade 1 time to start this? Do you know? As you've pinpointed the time it is quite encouraging from a recovery point of view as you know when at least.
I am so sorry you've had this for so long, and from so young. What happened at Grade 1 time to start this? Do you know? As you've pinpointed the time it is quite encouraging from a recovery point of view as you know when at least.
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